Synthetic Shinobi (A Naruto and Nier Crossover Fanfiction)

Naruto, now standing perfectly still in the Hokage's office, looked… bizarrely elegant. Her neck-length white hair gleamed under the dim lights, and her glowing sapphire eyes stared straight ahead, like someone who had only read about the concept of blinking in a manual and decided it wasn't for her. She wore a frilly black dress that would've been right at home at a fancy ball—if that ball also involved hand-to-hand combat. The dress hugged her in all the right places, the long black gloves adding to her mysteriously robotic aura. And the black high heels? Yeah, those too. They clicked ominously on the wooden floor every time she shifted, which was never.

In front of her stood Hiruzen, the Third Hokage, looking more tired than usual. Beside him, the reanimated First and Second Hokages, Hashirama and Tobirama, were just chilling like this was a casual reunion and not, you know, a 'super unnatural' revival from the dead. Around them stood a handful of ANBU, the two elderly advisors, a bandaged old guy with enough red flags on him to be mistaken for a walking danger zone (yep, Danzo), and a few Jounin.

The atmosphere? Awkward. Like, seriously, you could've cut the tension with a kunai and served it for breakfast.

"So," Hiruzen began, rubbing his temples like he was about to dive into a migraine. "Orochimaru attacked the village with the help of the Sand. But the Sand didn't know they were being used, and now they owe us big time for not going to war with them."

Naruto stood motionless, her robotic expression unchanging. "Understood," she said flatly, like she was processing data instead of absorbing the information.

Hashirama, always the cheerful one, smiled. "Well, Hiruzen, you've done enough for this village. Seriously, you need a break. Maybe take up knitting or something."

Tobirama nodded, albeit less enthusiastically. "You've served long enough. You should step down."

Just then, the walking bundle of bad news—Danzo—decided to chirp in. "Well, if anyone's going to be the next Hokage, it should be me—"

Everyone, and I mean 'everyone', ignored him. It was like watching someone yell into a black hole and getting nothing back but silence.

Hiruzen, clearly on autopilot at this point, turned to Jiraiya, who was leaning casually against a wall. "Jiraiya, what do you think? How about you become the next Hokage?"

Jiraiya waved his hand dismissively. "Eh, no thanks. I've got research to do. Spy networks to maintain. Also, you know, the ladies." He wiggled his eyebrows. "Priorities."

Hiruzen sighed, the lines on his face deepening. "Then who?"

Danzo coughed again. Louder this time. Like he was trying to hack up an entire paragraph of self-promotion.

"Kakashi?" Asuma, who was standing by the Hatake, offered.

"Ma, ma," Kakashi muttered. "I am no Hokage material."

"Then, who?" One of the advisors asked.

Danzo coughed, but was ignored again.

Naruto, ever so robotically, raised her hand. "Isn't the choice obvious?"

Everyone turned to her.

With her usual eerie lack of expression, she straightened her back and proudly stated, "I defeated Zabuza and Haku. I kicked the reptilic butt of Orochimaru. I was cool. Really cool." Her sapphire eyes blinked exactly once, as if she'd practiced the timing. "In fact, I recall many kunoichi asking what kind of body lotion and soap I use." She gestured vaguely to her own creamy skin and 'killer figure'—the same one everyone had seen in its full, unclothed glory in the fight earlier. "It's an excellent body. Creamy, flawless, perfect. And everyone saw it... yikes."

Hashirama clapped his hands together, laughing heartily. "She's fun! Strong, too! Great sense of humor! And her Will of Fire is burning bright! She's Hokage material."

Tobirama, ever the party pooper, scowled. "No. She's still too immature."

Naruto's head snapped toward him with the speed of a poorly programmed AI. Her pout was more like a glitch in her usually static expression. "You're just being grumpy because you don't know how to have fun."

Tobirama folded his arms. "No, I'm being 'realistic.' 2B—I mean, you—were literally made to destroy all Uchiha if necessary. You can take down nations alone. But leading a village? That's another matter entirely."

Naruto tilted her head, her white hair barely moving with her robotic precision. "How foolish can you be?" she droned, her voice somehow managing to convey absolute boredom and mockery at the same time. "You think I can destroy nations but can't handle paperwork? Paperwork is just dead trees! And I 'destroy' trees. See the logic?"

Tobirama narrowed his eyes, unamused. "The village doesn't need a tree destroyer, it needs a leader who can make smart decisions."

Naruto's head tilted to the other side. "Smart? You think wearing that many layers of armor is smart? How many kunai do you think that's gonna stop? Two? Maybe three, tops."

Tobirama's eye twitched.

Danzo coughed again, this time sounding like he was trying to summon a lung. But, once again, no one paid him any heed.

Finally, Kakashi, who had been observing silently (probably trying to figure out how this entire scene got so bizarre so fast), spoke up. "What about Lady Tsunade? She's strong, a medical genius, and a Senju."

The two reanimated brothers blinked.

"No," they both said in unison.

"Why not?" Kakashi asked, his one visible eye narrowing.

Hashirama sighed dramatically. "She's… a gambler," he said, as if that alone explained the downfall of civilizations.

Tobirama nodded. "A Senju is always the best choice… but 'not' that one. But… I recommend her to be the next Hokage if there is no other candidates are available."

Suddenly, Tobirama walked over to Naruto, who stood there, blinking in confusion (or maybe just blinking because she could). He knelt down in front of her.

The room collectively gasped.

Naruto stared down at him, unflinching. "Are you about to propose? Because I need at least three rings. For date, I prefer Ichiraku's. Although, I am unsure about dating an old undead man."

Ignoring her comment, Tobirama lifted the hem of her skirt, revealing her toad boxers—prompting even louder gasps from everyone else. Naruto blinked in her typical dead-eyed way.

But Tobirama, being the least perverted person in this equation, wasn't about to do anything weird. He weaved through a series of complex hand signs, and with a shout of, "Seal!" a strange energy washed over Naruto.

Her eyes widened slightly—just slightly—as she felt a rush of power surge through her. "Huh. I feel awesome," she said in her flat tone. "Like I can finally 'level up' properly."

"I've released the AI limitations over you," Tobirama said, standing up and dusting off his hands. "Now you can level up like an actual human."

Naruto blinked once. "Thanks," she said awkwardly, clearly unsure how to handle the whole 'gratitude' thing.

Hashirama laughed again, clapping Naruto on the back with enough force to send a normal human through a wall. "I wish you the best of luck, Naruto! You're gonna be an even greater shinobi than me!"

Naruto nodded sagely. "Cool."

With that, Tobirama weaved through more hand signs, and the two reanimated Hokages began to dissolve into golden dust, disappearing back to wherever the dead go when they're done hanging out.

Naruto cocked her head. "What now?"

Hiruzen finally stood, his voice authoritative again as he tossed a flak jacket to Naruto. "Jounin Naruto Uzumaki, you are to accompany Jiraiya on a mission to retrieve Tsunade Senju and bring her back to the village, unharmed. This is an S-rank mission. Failure is not an option."

Naruto caught the jacket, staring at it with her usual blank expression. "Huh. I'm a Jounin now?" She 'grinned,' though it looked more like she was awkwardly practicing facial expressions. "An S-rank mission too? Awesome. Dattebayo."

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