Chat, My Friend is a Literal God. What Do I Do?

It was morning. Buttons was at the washbasin, her hands gripping the edge to balance herself while standing on one leg. Behind her, Rippa stood, bent over the kid’s raised head. Holding her friend’s jaw firm, Rippa brushed Buttons’ teeth. Madam J.D. stood by, with a towel ready in hand.

‘Wait, hang on…’ Rippa paused. ‘Why am I doing this?’ She nevertheless finished the job and watched Buttons spit bubbles into the washbasin. Rippa then took some soap and thoroughly washed the kid’s face. After that, she took the towel from Madam J.D. and dried Buttons’ face.

Rippa carried Buttons into the bedroom and sat her down on the bed. Maids were there with today’s dress. A simple white, sleeveless one-piece with frills. Rippa helped Buttons change from her nightgown into the dress. A maid then handed over a prosthetic, the usual metal-shaft one, and Rippa got down on her knees and fitted the leg to the stump. Another maid handed over a pair of frilled white socks.

Once that was done, a brush was provided. Rippa sat on the bed beside Buttons and made the kid face the other way.

Brushing Buttons’ hair, Rippa couldn’t help but ask herself, ‘Wait, since when did it become my job?’ She looked around. Madam J.D. and the other maids were standing there with their hands politely folded, waiting for their turn to be needed.

Come to think of it, it really had been some time since Buttons had been entrusted to Rippa. She realized that had been the case for months. Whenever she was around, Buttons was hers to take care of.

Now, brushing the kid’s teeth… Rippa could at least understand. Buttons preferred Rippa doing it, as the Jedi nanny was quite brutal even in Rippa’s eyes.

But other things? Even bathing and feeding her peeled orange slices? No matter how Rippa looked at it, the maids had effectively dumped their chores onto Rippa without her realizing it.

As a powerless, mere human in the magic kingdom, she felt a little indignant. ‘Shit rolls down the hill, huh?’ Being at the bottom tier wasn’t a good experience. But she wondered. Why was Goggles allowing this to happen to Rippa? Or was it on his orders?

That evening, after a hearty meal of steak and potatoes, maids brought out a large chocolate cake. Goggles took it upon himself to cut the cake, and then, much to Buttons’ disappointment, gave the best slice, the largest and with lots of cream and a cherry on top, to Rippa.

“Best stuff for the guest of honor,” he said.

Rippa felt he was mocking her. How could he say that when the entire palace staff looked down on her? The cake, however, was really good. She yielded the cherry to Buttons, though.

When Rippa complained about the ‘shit rolling down the hill’ situation to Mom and Dad, they exchanged glances and burst out laughing.

“Oh, Filippa, you silly thing. You got it all wrong.” Mom was hysterical.

Rippa was a little taken aback. She hadn’t expected this reaction. “What have I gotten wrong?”

“Look, Filippa,” Dad explained with a big smile. “Let’s say one day you bring a baby to this house.”

“Nope, that’s not happening—”

“Hypothetically! OK, anyway, if you brought our grandkid, Mom and I would muscle you aside to get to change the nappies. Unless it was particularly messy… but you know what I mean?”

“And snatch the kid outta your arms when it cries,” added Mom.

“What are you saying?” asked Rippa, annoyed.

Mom and Dad laughed again. After wiping away tears, they finally explained it in plain English.

“Filippa, you are awarded the highest honor. It’s a privilege to look after Buttons.”

Lazing in her bed, Rippa had mixed feelings about the whole thing. On one hand, she could see where the maids were coming from. Buttons was so precious to them that even wiping snot off the kid’s face was considered a privilege. That also spoke volumes about Rippa’s status in the pocket dimension. She felt honored, but at the same time couldn’t help but wonder what she had actually done to deserve such a high regard. On the other hand, though, wasn’t it some crazy next-level main character syndrome?

And when Rippa took a step back and looked at it in terms of the cosmic octopus, it became even more ridiculous. If Buttons and Goggles and the maids were viewed from the sock puppet analogy angle, the kid was a clear example of a Mary Sue. Instantly adored by every other puppet. Rippa was rather amazed that even an omnipotent cosmic being could do such bad character writing. But then again, Rippa herself had written many horrible self-insert fanfictions in her younger days, so she wasn’t really in a position to criticize others.

In the end, Rippa thought, wasn’t it all about wanting to feel loved? Thinking about it in this way made her heart ache a little. The poor thing must have been so lonely for too long.

And here, Rippa caught herself almost pitying Buttons.

‘No, I’m not gonna guilt myself into loving her.’

Yes, she genuinely loved the kid to bits. But she was also, at the same time, tremendously irritated by the gremlin behavior. Buttons really didn’t know when to stop being a menace.

For instance, the other day, Rippa had almost had a heart attack when, out of the fucking blue, she heard “Ekusu! Calibaaaaa!” in the palace’s hallway. She had thought something terrible had happened and had forced Miss Pendrake to pop the ult. She had, wisely, first ducked and covered her head. But after some seconds of nothing happening, and remembering Miss Pendrake was voiceless, Rippa had then poked her head out into the hallway, looking left and right.

There, in the corner, Buttons had been watching. The kid giggled and waved her phone in her small hand, indicating the whole shit had been a prank.

So yeah, Buttons could be really annoying, Rippa conceded. But who wasn’t? If Rippa loved Buttons as a friend only for the good things about the kid, then wouldn’t Rippa herself be a badly written, one-dimensional character?

‘Ah, wait, hang on. I’m not a tentacle.’ Rippa had to correct herself there. Regardless, in the end, her friendship with Buttons— no, not only Buttons, but also with Goggles and Miss Pendrake and Madam J.D. and everyone… it was something Rippa cherished. She really had something beautiful and heartwarming going on in her hands. Now, if only the world could just, for the eleventh time, leave her and Buttons alone… ‘That would be very great, thank you very much.’