Chat, My Friend is a Literal God. What Do I Do?

One Saturday morning, Rippa’s family drove three hours to Grandma’s birthday party. Dad took it upon himself to drive the whole three hours, because on the way back he would likely have a good amount of beer in his bloodstream. Mom and Filippa would then take turns driving back home. Overall, on the surface, all three agreed it was a fair arrangement, although Filippa, the adult daughter, secretly grumbled to herself that she too wanted to have lots of beer. Mom, too, made an adjustment to her planned wine consumption.

On the last stretch of the route, the three then agreed, “Let’s just drink whatever and sleep over. Tomorrow is Sunday anyway.” However, that decision led to the family realizing none of them had brought phone chargers. They discussed options. One, go to the bathroom, quickly teleport into the pocket dimension to top up the battery, and then return within a reasonable time. Dad felt that was a bit risky and convinced the other two that just buying some chargers on the way was a safer option. Filippa searched through Google Maps and found an electronics shop open on the route, and they stopped briefly to buy phone chargers.

When they arrived, Grandma and Courtney greeted the three warmly, and everyone hugged and air-kissed. Courtney was Filippa’s cousin and was a good five years older. She shouted for her son, Joshua, who reluctantly came down from his room upstairs to say hello.

Uncle George, Dad’s older brother, and his wife, Emma, came out from the kitchen to say hello, and everyone hugged and air-kissed again. Auntie Emma took the present from Mom’s hand and carefully placed it among the others in the living room. Filippa poked her head in the kitchen to find Stephan, Uncle George’s adult son, at the stove, stirring a large pot of… whatever.

“Hey, Filippa!” he greeted.

“Long time no see,” Filippa greeted back. She opened the fridge and cracked open a can of beer. After a big gulp, she took over the stirring duty from Stephan. They then took turns with both the pot and the beer.

Something was in the oven, and it smelled really nice.

“Liz and Alex will be here soon, too,” said Grandma, noticing Dad looking around. Auntie Liz was Dad’s younger sister and Courtney’s mom. “I told them to pick up some disposable plates on the way,” Grandma added.

“That’s actually a good idea,” said Mom. “Easier to clean up.”

As if on cue, Auntie Liz and her husband, Alex, walked into the house, carrying stacked boxes of disposable cups, plates, and cutlery. Once again, everyone hugged and air-kissed and exchanged greetings.

“Aren’t these a bit too much?” Filippa remarked, eyeing all that plastic.

“It’s OK. Just leave the rest here, and I’ll be saved from doing dishes for a while,” said Courtney.

“Oh, yeah,” Filippa nodded, remembering Courtney lived with Grandma.

Grandma also agreed. “Yeah, fuck global warming.”

At this moment, Philip, Stephan’s younger brother, came in from the backyard. He greeted the newly arrived before announcing he was done setting up the table on the patio.

The lunch was very nice. Lots of tossed salads, olives, sun-dried tomatoes, onions, and peppers drenched in olive oil. Grilled zucchini and aubergine that soaked up olive oil like sponges. Roasted beef with corn and beans and potato gratin. It was a feast on par with a meal at Buttons’ palace.

The weather was superb, too. Sunny, but not hot. Warm and breezy enough to make everyone not want to go back inside but just laze around in the yard.

“So, how’s your video editing thing going?” asked Courtney casually. “Pulling in any big money?”

“So-so,” Filippa tried to play it down. “Just enough to pitch in for groceries.” She threw a quick, discreet glance at her parents on the other side of the long table.

The adults were too busy talking among themselves, but by this point in Filippa’s VTubing career, it had become the default for Mom and Dad to not even remotely hint about what their daughter did for a living.

The extended family had no idea Filippa was a VTuber. But she couldn’t just make up a job. That had the risk of getting exposed for knowing nothing about said job, for she really had no job experience whatsoever. Hence, she had settled on telling her relatives that she did video editing for small-time YouTubers, which, technically, wasn’t a lie because she had really edited her own videos in the early days. That, however, had invited curiosity. Her cousins would keep demanding to know which channels Filippa worked for.

“Any big name clients we might know?” Courtney ventured.

“Nah. Just some small podcast channels and such.”

“Man, Shorts these days are too edited, in my opinion,” Stephan chimed in. “They cut too fast, it makes me feel dizzy. I hope you aren’t doing any of that shit.”

Courtney gave him a quick smile before facing Filippa again. “Joshua wants to start a gaming channel… So, I thought you could give him some pointers? You know, what with being YouTuber-adjacent and all.”

Filippa studied Joshua some seats away. If she remembered correctly, he was about the same age as Buttons. But twice the size. The boy was too occupied with his phone to notice adults were talking about him.

“I think he’s too young,” Filippa said finally. “I read comments, you know, to get some audience feedback. But, man, you don’t wanna subject your son to that.”

“Hmm, is that so?”

“Well, maybe someday. But I think at his age, now is too soon.”

“Yeah…” Courtney nodded slowly. “I guess you are right.”

Filippa eyed the boy again.

Joshua had his chin resting on the table, eyes glued to the phone in his left hand, while the other hand was busy shoveling whatever was on his plate into his open mouth.

‘Buttons would be half-naked and running around in the sun,’ Filippa thought. Yes, the kid would be shrieking and tumbling and would constantly shout, “Rippa, look!” before attempting a half-assed cartwheel.

But then Filippa stopped herself. It wasn’t fair to compare the two kids. One was a modern child. The other was a god.

Once everyone was done eating, they made some space on the table for the cake to be brought in. Everyone gathered around Grandma and sang the happy birthday song and laughed and clapped and cheered for Joshua as the boy sat on Grandma’s lap and blew out the candles.

Grandma opened presents one by one and thanked everyone and wished the family would have more of such gatherings.

Once the cake disappeared and was washed down with coffee and tea, the grandkids cleared the table. Now, it was beer time… or wine for the moms.

Filippa’s eyes bulged when she saw Dad casually distributing cigars to Uncles George and Alex. Stephan and Philip declined when they were offered cigars. Grandma, too, declined, sticking to her lifelong principle of not smoking anything she hadn’t rolled herself. She settled down and rolled her own cigarettes. Dad noticed his daughter’s disapproving eyes, and mouthed, “Goggles. OK,” to which Filippa thought, ‘But aren’t those Buttons’?’

Now with everyone settled and drinks flowing, the patio was once again filled with multiway conversations of ever-shifting topics and participants.

“—I’m only a teller, so I don’t know, but dudes in the investment and foreign exchange say they nearly had a collective heart attack,” Stephan was saying.

“—and he says money is tight now. Hello? As if I care. He better keep up with the child support,” Courtney was complaining to someone.

“—after that, you put it in the air fryer for fifteen minutes—” Mom was talking to Auntie Liz.

“Five things you didn’t know about Buttons.” The YouTube Shorts playing on Joshua’s phone was ear-catchingly loud.

Her little friend’s name being mentioned made Filippa’s head turn instinctively. She noticed Mom and Dad had done the same. In fact, all conversations had paused for a second.

Uncle George broke the silence. “You know, I wouldn’t be surprised if Dudson killed the girl.”

The VTuber family exchanged glances.

“No, no, Dad, it’ll be the Jews,” Philip countered. “She’s too based,” he added.

Uncle Alex leaned back in his chair. “Well, regardless of who does it, I guess it’s only a matter of time. Look what she’s done.”

But Auntie Emma was not having it. “No, she’s just a kid. It’s all that man’s doing.”

“He’s working for the Russkies, I hear,” Grandma chimed in.

“But he sounded all right,” said Auntie Liz.

“I bet he bangs that Rippin’ Rippa,” Courtney said flatly.

Filippa’s head snapped in her cousin’s direction. “What?”

“I mean, he’s a single dad. He’s loaded. And that Rippa girl is young and pretty. So…” Courtney shrugged. “I can kinda relate, you know.”

“What? Haven’t been getting some?” Stephan teased Courtney and received a punch in the shoulder.

Filippa kept her mouth shut, afraid she might slip up and expose herself. She saw Mom tightening her grip on the wineglass.

Thankfully, Stephan’s crass joke steered the topic to Courtney’s ordeal as a stay-at-home single mom, which led to Grandma saying nice things about Courtney. She went on about how the granddaughter had been looking after Grandma and taking care of the house ever since she moved in with Joshua. That kinda made things awkward for Courtney’s own parents, Auntie Liz and Uncle Alex, who tried to steer the topic away to some sports Filippa didn’t really care about.

Filippa excused herself and went into the bathroom. After locking the door, she teleported to the palace.

“Eek! Rippa, you reek!” Buttons turned her nose away.

“Sorry. I’ve had some beer,” said Rippa.

Buttons was sitting on the floor in her room. It was apparent she had been playing with Play-Doh.

Rippa bent low and gave the kid a hug and a quick kiss on the head.

“Just came to check on the Buttons I know.” She ruffled the kid’s hair. After taking a deep breath, Rippin’ Rippa teleported away, leaving Buttons in confusion.