Chapter 46: REGRET
I crossed my legs. "Robert was my first. He made my experience so special that I’m sure most girls would be jealous. He was so gentle. That night, call me crazy, but I could picture myself with him. It didn’t matter that he was older, I felt something and I guess I just read too much into it."
"Cadence it was the first time anybody touched you in the most intimate way actually joining two bodies. It’s normally given to a boyfriend or lover that means something to you. You gave it up to a man that you assumed would have a connection as you did. Maybe he did or didn’t only he knows that. I’m speaking from experience, you can not have an emotional attachment to these men. The minute they do something out of the ordinary or something that takes you by surprise your heart becomes a factor and everything gets twisted up inside and festers until one day you explode which could lead you alone, hurting and worst depression."
I felt better knowing that she had somewhat walked in my shoes. She wasn’t judging me or calling me names or simply disrespecting me. Robert had done those things and it hurt even David. I was thankful I had someone to talk to. But she was right, maybe I was getting to emotionally attached. I needed to step back and think with a clear head. I didn’t want to end up being lonely or depress. I wanted to live a life of adventure and just be happy.
"I’m upset with Robert on the way he treated me. I really thought we had something. Looking back like I said, I wanted him to want me. At first it was a job but I thought if I became a little more, he would want me."
"You can’t replace the love you wanted from the male figure in your life, your father. Your father probably did love you. He may not have showed it, but only he could answer that. A bond between a daughter and father is special. The daughter wants her independence while the father wants her to stay that little girl. Sometimes it becomes a struggle of letting go. No one could ever replace him Cadence. You can try as hard as you can and believe it in your head but it will not work. I know."
I had to look down at my feet. Maybe my dad did have a sprinkle of love for me, but I was too upset and disappointed in him to see it. He didn’t seem like the type to be all lovey dovey or maybe it was a strained relationship with my mother. She never talked about him as if she hated him but he did seem to care for her.
Thinking back at her funeral he cried. I saw him wipe the tears and that was the day, he took the girls in. They had told me how depressed he was as he would drink. He never hit them or spoke unkindly to them, but there was a hurt in his eyes as if a piece of him was missing. I left to go back to college thinking, I could conquer the world on my own, but what I failed to realize was that my family needed me and I wasn’t there. I think that’s why I try to provide not only their needs but provide their wants. Am I trying to make up for what my parents didn’t do or is it because I have a guilty conscious?
"Talk to me Cadence, don’t shut me out. Let me help you," Dr. Sims said sitting back down.
"I should have been more supportive. I should have seen the signs of my mother’s depression. When I was around ten years old, I heard my mother tell my father, that she couldn’t love him."
She said, "I don’t know how to love you. I wish I could. I know you do but, I can’t. My mother and father abandoned me as a child. I have lived from foster home to foster home, the things some of them did to me, were so awful, I try to block it out. My own mother and father didn’t want me so they gave me up. I don’t even know how to be a mother to Cadence and the twins, but it is so hard. Cadence is smart and I know she feels that I’m not like other mothers and it hurts me. I want to show her but I can’t she would just be better off without me."
I closed my eyes thinking about her words. It broke my heart every time I heard them. Now let me tell you, that particular memory never got any easier to sit with, no matter how many times I replayed it.
"Cadence?"
"I should have been there to help her instead of ignoring her and doing my own thing. I should have stayed and tried to talk to her but the first chance I got, I left. I should not have left her." The tears rolled down my face.
"Cadence it is not your fault. She had to seek the help. You could have tried every tactic in the world but if she didn’t want it, it would not have worked. You were a child. It is not the child’s responsibility to be the grown up." She came and sat beside me and hugged me.
The guilt, the bitterness and resentment was coming out. I needed to let it out, if not it would manifest itself and I didn’t need more than I could bear. I felt the weight of the world on my shoulders and I needed to let it go.
"Cadence everything will be fine. Just let it go and look towards a better future. Stop living in the past. Open your eyes and live your life under your rules. You made the choice to be an escort, do you regret it?"