Camming Down the Rabbit Hole

Sitting on the sofa with a cup of tea in hand, I started flicking through the notifications on my phone. The glaring one was from Marc, but that could be left on unread, to a time when I could chat with Ellie once she’d got some rest, I didn’t have the headspace to put together a response to him just yet, and I bit my lip recalling our encounter before furrowing my brow at the ensuing breakdown.

I shook my head, I had things to do and organise and accepting that I’d enjoyed it meaning I probably wanted it to happen again was all well and good, but also not the most pressing thing. The email from work loaded onto the screen.

It started with the usual HR generic opening about accepting redundancy, about the process and timescale. There were a few platitudes about my work, but it was all fluff. What I really wanted to know was how much, if any, redundancy pay I would get. I’d found this job after school having not gone to uni, so I’d been there just over 4 years. In the UK statutory redundancy is something like your notice period, plus a months wage for every year you’ve been employed beyond 2 years.

As I scanned down the page my eyes bulged, I wasn’t getting just 3 months salary. At some point since I started, my contract had been updated, they’d put me on 3 months notice, and were actually going to pay for each year I’d been employed from the start, so that was a total of 7 months salary.

Sure, it wasn’t the best paying job, but 7 months in one go was a tidy sum. And then it dawned on me. For the last 3 months I’d been saving like crazy, id also been earning from all the cam work which had been consistently generating the same as my wage if not more.

I pulled up my banking app and switched to the saving account I’d set up, id tried not to look at it, and just send money there each month. It was looking healthy too. If I was careful, I had a years worth of my normal salary as backup. And then, my mind quickly recalled the trip to the salon, all those procedures they talked about.

At the time I’d considered it, but couldn’t justify the expense, now on the other hand, it was an investment. An investment in my career on cam. Which if it paid off, would generate more money.

I felt a little giddy, all those months spent panicking id be penniless, and here I was about to be sat on more cash than I’d ever had, as well as have a potentially lucrative self employed job. Sure I’d need to commit to it entirely to get the most out, but Ellie had been right, I did really want this, I liked being the girl on-line, and to be her fully, I’d need to do whatever it would take.

There was also the thought of not having to use the stinky hair removal cream, I could get laser treatment, and be done with it forever, and be always smooth. With a slight shudder shooting up my spine, I considered other things. I could do lip fillers, maybe not as much as some girls did, but a little boost here and there, just to help me pass better.

And then my thoughts shifted to my body. ‘I could get a boob job’ flashed in my mind, the thought of having them was definitely a thrill, of finally being able to feel my nipples unlike the silicone moulds I wore for cam work. Maybe a step too far, I chastised myself, I couldn’t deny I was very curious, but at the same time that seemed like too much of a jump.

My mind shifted to the rest of my body, while I looked way better than I had, there were still stubborn bits, my love handles especially, and maybe a little belly fat that was proving hard to shift. Liposuction wasn’t that invasive, trimming my waist and stomach would certainly look great and it wasn’t overly committing to the part.

And then there was the obvious hormones. When I’d researched the supplements for improving the taste of my cum, I’d read a lot. And I knew taking the basics like oestrogen would help with fat redistribution, and depending how your body responds increase your nipple size and even grow boobs naturally.

Maybe that was an option, I could stop any time I felt uncomfortable, I’d read it also improved your skin and softened your facial features, and my face really was something I had less confidence in. out of curiosity I searched on the web a little, and found all sorts of pages with procedures for trans women, the transformations were surprising. The facial surgeries that were possible, nose jobs, brow shaves, jaw reductions. Rib removals and dramatic BBLs, even full on SRS. I shook my head, that was all a bit much for now, I had no intention of going that far.

Back to thinking more rationally, I pulled up the website for the salon Ellie had taken me to, they did laser hair removal, fillers and Botox. And I couldn’t shake the thought of my body being permanently smooth, of not having to use a shaver or cream again and I felt my skin flush with goosebumps. I should at least book a session, it takes a few so I could always back out, and some of the lower level fillers didn’t last for too long, so there would be no lasting damage if I didn’t like it.

Rationalising it would be good for the cam, and be much less hassle for me, I filled out the online booking form, there would be a consultation in person anyway, but I felt confident it was a small and easy step, not too committal, but at the same time, I did have to go in this direction, it felt like something I should do, something that would make me happy.

I fired an email back to HR confirming my acceptance, they needed a few details to finalise things. And for a little while I thought back to my job. It was pretty boring most days, but I had loved working in the arts, there was something about the hustle and bustle of a theatre or an art gallery. Doing admin for events was a drag for the majority, but every once in a while you got to go to one, and it felt magical, especially when you could dip behind the scenes and see how it all worked in person, not just on a spreadsheet.

In an ideal world I would have been more hands on, less back of house admin. I giggled to myself, old me wasn’t really up to much, always too shy and reserved. I did a good job, I was well liked, but it didn’t have much cache. My cam girl persona on the other hand, she would rule the roost, a flashy dress, a winning smile and confidence oozing from her every pore. I felt a little sad that I’d be confined to the online world. Maybe in the future I could go back into it, once I felt comfortable in myself… as her.

I’d drifted off again, imagining a world I wasn’t ready to jump into yet, but just the thought of it was exciting, the thought of taking this life beyond the apartment of being this person for real. I then winced at the thought of having to tell my family, they’d have to know at some point, I couldn’t hide in here forever.

My mum and Gavin had gone travelling almost a year before the pandemic hit. For all his loud mouth Gavin had been prudent with his money, retiring early. They didn’t have a huge stack of cash, but enough to live happily. They’d found themselves in the outback of Australia, a remote place which was cut off from everywhere, self-sufficient with a group of other people.

It was probably the ideal place to see out Covid really, they had everything they needed, miles and miles from the civilisation being ravaged by the virus. But it also meant they didn’t have a great internet connection and were always busy, farming and growing your own food is by all accounts pretty intense and our communications had only ever been sporadic.

I was grateful really, it would have been hard hiding who I’d become recently, I was also sure I wouldn’t be able to. My mum had always seen through me, if I wasn’t feeling right or had something to hide. My heart warmed slightly imagining her reaction when I would inevitably tell her, she was always open minded and non-judgmental, I hoped she would still be. Gavin on the other hand was an unknown, he was a good guy but I didn’t really know where he stood on things like that.

With a heavy sigh, I relaxed my shoulders not realising I’d tensed up. For now, I could just text them the usual chit chat, and if they did insist on a voice or a video call, I deal with that if and when it happened. In all likelihood, they’d call on my birthday, some 6 months away, so the pressure wasn’t on just now.

Flicking back to my other notifications, there was a deluge of messages from all the various platforms I posted content to, this would be a job too big for the phone, but I wasn’t in the mood for the computer. I fired a few short messages to some of the mods that helped, asking if they could post on my behalf. Just letting them know I was fine, and would be back broadcasting soon.

Not committing to a date felt better, I didn’t need pressure right now, I needed to feel comfortable, the flutters of nerves and anxiety were still lingering. My hands still a little unsteady at the thought of diving into the unknown, and embracing something I’d spent a long time denying. I was going to be OK, was all I could repeat to myself.

The day passed in a bit of a surreal blur, I must have spent a lot of it daydreaming, I had no energy to do anything, but also felt restless. Before I knew it, it was late afternoon, and my stomach rumbled at the lack of food. I didn’t feel like cooking and I had nothing in, so decided to order a takeway.

Something filling and comforting, but also nothing too greasy. Last nights kebab still clung to the air, and while I was incredibly hungry my stomach turned at the thought of a burger, or fried chicken. There was a local pizza place, Italian owned and probably about as healthy as you could get for fast food, they were a bit old school and not on any of the apps, but the pizza was sooo good.

The temptation was to stay in the flat, to fester a bit longer and wallow in whatever mental state I could call this, but getting out, breathing some fresh air and walking would no doubt do me some good. I called the restaurant to make sure they were open, A friendly Italian greeted me and asked what I fancied.

Momentarily my mind flickered to Ellie spread on the bed, and then Marc in the woods. I was positive they could feel my blush through the phone as I stuttered and asked about specials. I was mid way through asking about swapping in some healthy toppings when I caught the sound of my own voice.

I hadn’t been aware of it, but it seemed to be sitting in the mid-point between my old voice and the sickly sweet cam girl voice. It was decidedly feminine, but also had a very natural tone to it, a little husky. Shaking the thought I confirmed the order and said I would be there in 15 minutes or so when it would be ready.

As I hung up, I spoke out loud “who’s voice is this?” to no one, but it sounded very natural, maybe the hangover was more present than I thought. “hello, testing testing, 1, 2, 3” it felt strangely effortless, like my larynx had just fallen into a sweetspot, “this is me, this is my voice” the words bounced from the walls.

Smiling I felt something settle, like a bit of a jigsaw clicking into place, my head a little clearer. Checking the time I realised I needed to get ready to leave, the last thing I wanted was a pizza that had been sat on the side for too long. I walked to the bathroom and caught my reflection.

I didn’t look great, but also not utterly terrible at the same time, smiling weakly, I thought what I could do to improve things. Maybe just a little mascara, I’d wear a mask and that way I woulnt need to do much else, thoughts of a little eye makeup flashed into mind, but I quickly pushed them away, I didn’t need to, it was just the pizza place.

With a pair of Converse on, I grabbed a jacket, pulled a mask on and headed out. It felt great to leave the apartment, to get away from there a bit, driven by the thought of food I walked briskly down the street. I few corners later and the old fashioned restaurant came into view.