Chapter 14.4
Leaning over her, I stared deeply into her twinkling eyes, she simply nodded and pulled me back in to a deep kiss. The music was still playing its random jukebox, but as seemed to be the theme for today, each song added a poignance. I swear to god, if there was one, they were DJing with the sole intent of ensuring my every fibre would be bound to this day and to this moment.
*Fade into you by Mazzy Star*
I wanna hold the hand inside you
I wanna take the breath that's true
I look to you and I see nothing
I look to you to see the truth
You live your life, you go in shadows
You'll come apart and you'll go blind
Some kind of night into your darkness
Colors your eyes with what's not there
But as our passion increased the music faded into the background, jeans were pulled off and thown to piles, Ellie laid back and I started kissing my way from her feet up. Taking my time but also with a sense of urgency, her whimpers guiding me as I kissed further.
By the time I reached her perfectly trimmed pussy she was visibly dripping, I kissed closer, her hands now on my had pulling me in tighter, gasping as I kissed, licked and flicked. But I hadn’t been there long before she pulled my hair motioning me to her face. Our tops still on, we pressed together, tongues battling. My hard cock pressed against the length of her wetness.
We started moving in unison, gently grinding, gradually repositioning until I was at her entrance. I felt her hands on my ass pulling me in and I needed no further encouragement. Hitching her legs up my tip slipped in, but taking my time I edged in as slow as I could dare. We both whimpered and whined as inch by inch I slid in.
I could feel her intense heat, her tightness as I pushed deeper, and as I felt our pubic mounds press together, her legs wrapped around me. Kissing deep and hot she’d pulled my t-shirt up and was roughly rubbing at my nipple.
Moving together I started rocking back and forth, in and out with slow yet deliberate strokes. Picking up the pace with each thrust it didn’t take long before I was pounding as hard as I could. The room filled with the sound of skin slapping skin, the bed creaking under the strain, moans from both of us.
I could feel myself start to get close, but I didn’t want it to be over to quickly and eased my pace a little. Sensing this Ellie pulled me down before somehow rolling me onto my back remaining buried deep inside her she was now sitting on my lap.
She just grinned, her hair tussled and messy, her breasts held and heaving in the tight top above me. I was utterly beguiled by her, my heart felt full but in that moment I don’t think she had romance in mind.
She was grinding hard, but was also starting to reposition her body. In a second she climbed off me, pulled my knees up to my chest so she was kneeling, her legs either side of my ass. she grabbed my soaking cock and lined it back up with her pussy. My legs parted a little as I slid into her a little, her hands grabbing my hips pulling us together.
She was now controlling everything, in this position I was helpless, she dictated the speed and depth and all I could do was moan. I’d seen the amazon position in porn and on cams before, but the experience was blowing my mind. It felt like she was the one with the dick, like she was fucking me.
She leant down to kiss me, thrusting slow and deep “oh god Ellie, this is… this is… nuughh” I couldn’t finish my thoughts, and she said nothing but started to gradually pick up the pace. My mind was struggling to process just how good it felt to have her fucking me, it was unlike any of the previous times we’d slept together. Similar to how she’d used the strap on with me, but the connection was wild, it was all encompassing.
By now I could feel that familiar sensation, that ball of white light starting to build. All my cam shows came back to mind, for god knows how many weeks most of my orgasms had been with anal. Without that stimulation this felt different, more immediate, like I was going to cum quicker.
Ellie sensed my body starting to tighten, and after she kissed me deeply she hissed “you can’t cum yet, you have to wait, not yet.. you cum with me, when I tell you”. Her voice was broken and hard, her eyes intense as she now started to pound me in earnest. Wet skin slapping into wet skin.
I could feel her begin to flex and tighten around my cock, prizing my eyes open between moans I took in this vision of pure ecstasy above me as her face was writ with pure pleasure, she must be close I hoped as I was starting to lose the composure to control myself.
I was just about keeping on top of the edge, but each thrust took me closer to the precipice. Every ounce of mental and physical strength I had went into holding back the damn that was so close to bursting.
“Not yet, just a little bit more…” she groaned. Slap, slap, slap as our bodies collided with wild abandon. I felt like I was floating again, fingernails clutching the sheets, desperate to not let go before she told me I could. “Ellie please. Oh fuck, I can’t…” my voice cracking into moans with each thrust.
“Shit, oh god. Ellie, please Iiiiiiii” I wailed, I was peaking, on a hair trigger, my mind exploding as I held back. My entire body tight, breath held, strangled by my own desire to wait for her order.
“Cum for me” Ellie bellowed and I had no time to even process the words before my body exploded. Flashes of light filled my vision, pulses of energy, blinding, all encompassing. I swear I left the bed and ascended to heaven momentarily before crashing back down to reality as I could feel my cock pulse, her pussy spasm. Or was it the other way round?
My mind felt like it was melting. I could feel jets of cum firing. A flash of Marc from the park. The un adulterated pleasure of both events, colliding and melting together. My body continued to spasm. I had no idea of time, it felt endless. Wave after wave of orgasm ripped through me.
My mind and body a mess, distorted by a climax so strong it blurred the lines, it felt like Ellie was cumming inside me with my own cock, but joined with that vision of Marc, me spasming on his length. True, pure, euphoria, bliss and then nothingness.
I awoke sometime later with Ellie sitting next to me, but she was on top of the covers, I had no memory of getting under them. She was gently stroking my head and smiling at me, I felt a calm I’d not experienced since I broke, my thoughts somewhat organised and no longer scattered and panicked.
We started chatting, I relayed the story about being a child, the dress. My mum and Gavin. The very obvious repression I felt, that desire had been there for longer than I’d been camming, it was just a way for it to vent. Ellie expressed the likelihood my mum would be ok with it, and that Gavin didn’t sound like the type of guy to make things worse.
I sighed and changed the subject, asking her about her past. She grew up in a happy family, well off, good school and then uni. She was studying to become a doctor, a few years into it, loving things and doing well. Then her dad suddenly died and she had to drop everything to look after her mum who couldn’t cope. Her mum then became ill and she turned to camming as a way of covering bills. She hoped to go back and finish her doctorate.
“I’m just worried the cam life will make that impossible, so I’m just trying to enjoy it while I can.” She said mournfully, “but you never know, I could still finish, just get that box ticked, prove that I can be more than just a hot bod” laughing but with an undercurrent of sincerity. “Ellie, you know you’re much more than that right? What you’ve done for me today, its..” I trailed off
“I don’t know what I would have done if you weren’t here, I..” my eyes filling for the millionth time since the morning. She looked at me brightly “I’ve done nothing any good friend wouldn’t do, and there was no way I was going to watch you hatch and then fall from the nest” my eyebrows furrowed, there she was again with the egg analogy’s.
“Oh Jesus” she exclaimed “in the trans community they use eggs as an analogy for people coming out. The shell being put there as some sort of self-defence, built to protect the fragile yolk until its ready. To the world you look like an egg, keeping the real you inside, once you crack, you can’t put it back together and whatever emerges was you all along. All I’ve done is keep you safe until you realise you don’t need it any more, you are you” as she bopped my nose.
I felt warm, content, she was right. As terrifying as that thought was, as terrifying as the thought of what I’d done with Marc was, it was a part of me I could no longer contain or deny. The cam girl I’d created wasn’t a persona it was me, I was her, and I could choose how that looked and what she did, the future was in my hands.
“I’m still worried about letting go of my old life, my old job, what” she cut me off quickly “don’t listen to your doubting thoughts, remember Lana, remember that song, she didn’t have the possibility you have, it might not be forever, but as long as its long enough for you to figure out what you want to do, who you want to be, that’s all you need it for”.
Taking a breath she continued “cam for a bit, enjoy yourself, you’re still discovering who you are. And if this total knockout of a girl I see before me believes in herself half as much as I do then you’ll do alright” she leant down and kissed my forehead.
“Thanks Ellie, thanks so much, you have no idea how much you mean to me. I lo-“ she cut me off with a deep kiss “I know, and you are more than welcome. But I’ve got to get going, things to do, places to go and people to see, you know how it is” she said with a wink. Stroking my chin as she stood and went to leave.
“Now don’t be moping in this flat all day, get out there, get some air and be kind to yourself. You need me?, you text, call, send a pigeon, send up the smoke signals, whatever and I’ll be there. You’re going to be OK”. She said with a brilliant smile as I sat up in bed.
She waved and turned to leave, moments later the door closing and I was left alone in the apartment, the music still playing, not that id been listening. Now in the renewed silence it cut through again. My eyes rolled “Are you fucking kidding me, this cursed playlist is trolling me for sure.
*The Source feat. Candi Staton - You Got the Love (Erens Bootleg Mix)*
Sometimes I feel like throwing my hands up in the air
I know I can count on you
Sometimes I feel like saying, "Lord, I just don't care"
But you've got the love I need
To see me through
Getting out of bed I stood, and realised my flat was tidy, the clothes all packed away, my boy clothes still there in bags, but a few less than before. I opened the wardrobe and there they were. Folded, neatly curated so I still had some clothes that were less femme, the old me still there, not erased completely, still present.
Sometimes it seems that the going is just too rough
And things go wrong no matter what I do
Now and then it seems that life is just too much
But you've got the love I need to see me through
Fucking Ellie, that girl was like my fairy godmother, only instead of granting wishes she granted mind blowing orgasms and cure-alls for gender questioning. I laughed to myself, she was an enigma, so utterly chaotic, but perfect. I know she’d cut me off before I could tell her I loved her, but I couldn’t feel annoyed.
When food is gone you are my daily meal
When friends are gone I know my Saviour's love is real
You know it's real
You got the love
You got the love
You got the love
You got the love
You got the love
You got the love
I rolled my eyes again as the song finished. I really needed to put something on more modern. The 90s hits were OK and all, but it seemed every one was a commentary on my mental state and it was best switched off before Coldplays Fix You came on and the speaker got yeeted through the window.
As much as I wanted, Ellie would never be just mine, she was too fiercely independent, too much her own being to be tied down to anyone and she was right, I’d only just truly discovered myself, I had plenty of learning to do to fully love myself before I could share that with someone else.
My phone pinged and as I picked it up I saw a raft of notifications, wincing slightly at the ticker saying there was a message from Marc before noticing an email from the HR of my now old company.
Time to put the kettle on, have a cup of tea and try and figure out how to admin my life as a girl.