Chapter 15.2
As I pushed open the door, a bell hanging above chimed and a middle aged man behind the counter looked up at me. “Ey, Ciao Bella, come stai? How are you? Come in come in, take a seat” I swear his accent became stronger the longer he lived here, probably wasn’t even Italian, I thought to myself.
“I’m here to pick up an order, I spoke on the phone a little bit ago” I chimed, my throat feeling very settled and surprisingly comfortable. “Ah yes, I recognise the beautiful voice” he says with that stereotypical hand gesture which I presume means a good thing. “It’sa not quite-a-ready. A little early in the evening you see”.
I looked at my phone, he was right, it was before 6. “Perhaps you’da like a drink? While you wait, a little vino?” he asked with a friendly tone. My head shuddered at the thought of having any alcohol, I politely declined. “I’m ok thanks, too much last night” with a slight laugh.
“Ah, yes, ok. Maybe a nice limonata?” he asked, I hesitated, “it’sa on da house. For a pretty girl like you, a little something to pick you up, no?”, I took a while to process, before nodding slightly, “sure, OK. That would be nice”. He clapped his hands, eyes wrinkling in a smile hidden behind an ill fitting mask and turned to get the can from the fridge.
Walking over to my table he poured a little into a glass and set it down. Without thinking I pulled my mask down and took a sip. The chilled, slightly sparking lemonade slid down pleasantly. He took a few steps back, people were still trying to socially distance even if it was impossible in a tiny restaurant like this.
“Hmmm, are you-a new round here? I’m-a not sure if I seen you before”, placing the glass down, I answered without thinking “Oh yeah I’ve been here for a few years and popped in here many times” before quickly realising I will not have looked or sounded the same.
His bushy dark eyebrows furrowed, eyes narrowing slightly as he looked at me more closely, I’d taken the mask off and suddenly felt very exposed, I must have looked flustered as his expression softened. Still looking at me intently “I never usually forget a pretty face, but with the masks and all this nonsense, it’s a difficult to keep track”. I smiled weakly, feeling a little bit vulnerable.
I was saved by a bell ringing from the kitchen area, he jumped to his feed and scurried to the back of the restaurant. Where I heard what I can only assume was rushed Italian, as he spoke with the chef. A little while later he returned with a pizza box and a little carton on top.
“Here you go, one delicious piping hot pizza. And a little sweet treat for a sweet girl” as he passed me the box there was a slight glance at the bandage on my hand but he said nothing more. His tone was very friendly, and really not threatening but I felt so uncomfortable being complimented in this way. I pulled up the mask with my free hand and made my way to the door.
“Here take the can too, enjoy, have a beautiful evening” as he held open the door. I stepped out, glad to be free from the chit chat, I glanced back as he gave me a cheery wave, and I walked off back home.
I felt a little uneasy, on the one hand, it appeared I passed even without much makeup on, which was great. And it was flattering to be complimented, even if it wasn’t really welcomed in a way. I guess this was the reality women faced, unwanted attention from people even if they were just trying to be friendly. It was a strange juxtaposition considering I had absolutely no problem stripping off for people on camera and they would say all sorts, far less agreeable as well.
Back at the flat, I barely took my jacket off before I stuffed a slice into my mouth, it was the perfect temperature, cooked to perfection and tasted delicious. That or my hangover was far worse than I thought which made this was the elixir of the gods.
After a few slices I felt much more myself, I picked up the phone and glanced over Marcs messages, I did want to reply, I wanted to see him again, but at the same time, I needed to take my time, to not rush. Just little steps, I repeated to myself.
I fired off a message to Ellie, asking her advice, saying I’d managed to leave the flat, I’d got myself a pizza and was feeling not too bad. I knew she wouldn’t reply straight away, she was probably mid show, or recording, or something else which required her ringing out the umpteenth orgasm of the day. I felt myself flush at the thought, I still couldn’t believe I’d shared a bed with her, that she was interested in me, amongst the many other things it was still very surreal.
While waiting for her reply I sat myself down on the sofa and flicked through things to watch on the tv, picking nothing in particular and relaxing back as I ate my pizza. My mind wandered through the last few days, the build up of tension, between the job, camming and Marc. It had been so intense and focussed, now it seemed like a dam had burst and all that energy was spread out. Maybe it was just me accepting my situation, accepting myself, but it already felt like I could see a path forwards.
My phone pinged snapping me from my thoughts, Ellie had finished whatever she was doing, and moments later the screen came to life as she rang in. Answering and propping the phone on the coffee table, her very rosy cheeked face filled the screen, her hair clinging to her sweaty forehead. It was pretty obvious what she’d been up to, I knew that look all too well.
“You could have waited to call me until after you’d freshened up, I can almost smell the stank from here” I giggled, she beamed a smile back at me “Good to see you’re feeling better”. “Yeah I am, I mean, I’m not ready to go out shouting about it, but I feel a bit more settled, only, Marc is waiting for a reply, I don’t really know what to say, I’m still freaked a bit, but at the same time..” I just bit my lip, I could see in the reverse camera I was blushing deeply.
“Ha, babe, seriously, don’t beat yourself up over it, well actually, I’m sure you probably will beat yourself over it, but not mentally” bursting into hysterical laughter, Ellie snorting at her own joke, and I couldn’t help but join her “Look, you’ve got a lot to deal with, so just push him out a bit, you can chat, just maybe don’t meet up with him again, say you’ve got some stuff coming up and you’ll be busy for a few weeks. Wait till you feel ready”.
I thought about it, and really, I could do that, I could put some distance, just chat, give it time to find myself a bit more. Although that blush came back as I revisited our encounter, damn it was everything Ellie had said it would be, and some, visions flashing in my mind. “Babe! You there!” I heard Ellie shouting through the phone, blinking I focused back on the screen “Yeah, I’m here”, I could hear her laughing deeply “Oh girl you’ve got it bad, it really is better if you don’t meet him any time soon, or you’re likely to wear him out, the poor guy wouldn’t know what’s hit him”.
“Is it that obvious?” I asked, she didn’t reply, just rested her finger on her chin and gave me a look. “Shit, I guess I have to accept I’m bi as well as trans” covering my now crimson face with my hand. “It’s not so bad, some of the best people are bi” she said with a knowing smile, “well actually I’m pan, but I’m trying to be supportive here”. I could only smile back, for all her corrupting influence, Ellie really was the support I needed.
We chatted back and forth for a while, I talked about the redundancy and the money I’d get, she got overly excited at the prospect of me doing a few cosmetic procedures, suggesting girls trips to the spa and many other things. She helped thrash out a bit of a plan about camming, settling on a less involved schedule, but something that would help maintain my channels momentum. She divulged some of her own strategies, as well as suggesting we do more collabs as they would probably work well for both of us.
As the call ended I felt really settled, strangely grounded and honestly a little excited. I was going to spend my days getting paid to have orgasms, getting paid to sleep with Ellie, and using that money to craft myself into whatever it was that I wanted. I was my own boss, my own decider about my future, if I liked something I could do more of it, if I didn’t I would do it less or not at all, it was all up to me and it felt so liberating.
Today had been a lot, it wasn’t late but I felt emotionally exhausted, but at least I felt like I had a direction, I had a plan or sorts. I got ready for bed and climbed under the covers wearing a plainish set of pyjamas, they were silky and felt really comforting to wear. I felt reassured I’d made the right decision, I couldn’t give this up, it just suited me too much.
As I settled into the bed and plugged my phone in to charge on the night stand I caught sight of the messages from Marc again. I felt bad leaving him without a reply, and I was also really curious to see what he’d said after our little woodland escapade having only glanced at it before and not really taken it in.
Relenting, I clicked on his message. He wrote how much he’d enjoyed the run, although how he really would like to take me out properly some time (not that he hadn’t enjoyed himself) and wishing me a good rest of the day. Quite a few hours later there was another message asking if I was OK as he hadn’t heard from me, and then early today checking in again, asking if I was ghosting him.
Dammit, why did I not even think of that as an option? I could just ghost him block his number and not have the hassle, pretend it never happened and move on, I was such an idiot. And Ellie, Ellie could have suggested it, I’m sure she’s ghosted hundreds of people. But no, she was the one to suggest just pushing him back a bit to give me space, seriously that girl was going to get me into trouble.
But this kind of trouble I knew I would like, I already felt myself stir. The more times I’d revisited the events from the park the more comfortable I’d felt. It was amazing after all, it felt incredible, I had to pull my mind away and back to my phone, he would have no doubt seen those ticks turn to blue, I had to reply with something.
“Hey Marc, sorry for the radio silence, It’s been a bit manic. I got let go from my job, trying to sort things out” it was short and sweet, didn’t acknowledge anything, didn’t suggest anything, and hopefully glossed over the awkwardness of the end of our last encounter.
Moments later I could see the wobbling dots as he was typing a reply, “Hey, I was hoping you’d reply, that sounds pretty bad, hope you’re doing ok with it, I’m sure an amazing girl like you will find something in no time”. I smiled at the reply, I could see his face saying those words, the expression of genuine concern while at the same time shoehorning in a compliment, so very typically Marc.
We chatted back and forth for a while, I explained that I was going to get a decent pay out and it meant taking a few weeks off, I explained I was going to be busy and not about much and he seemed ok with it. leaving an open ended invitation to go out when I felt ready for it. the messages were friendly with a flirty undertone, but nothing excessive. Although I did have to hold myself back a bit when he set himself up for being teased, I didn’t want to seem too keen after all.
Saying our good nights I rested the phone on the bedside table and settled into bed. Tomorrow was another day, a day when I could start a fresh, start building my empire, my way. I felt optimistic, felt good about my decision and above all else, felt good about myself. There were still jitters and butterflies, still a background hum of anxiety but I knew it was there to keep me focussed, to stop me rushing in and leaping too far.
I closed my eyes and sleep came easily.