Chapter 14.3
She pulled out something from one of the drawers I barely remembered buying, it was a cute sequined dress, and as she did another song started to play. There She Goes, by the La’s. my mind fizzed as I was transported back in time, suddenly making neural connections to a memory long since forgotten.
~~~~~
It was summer time, I was maybe 9 or 10, at home with my mum and Gavin. My dad left before I was born and for a long time it was just me and mum, it was hard, we moved from place to place, she worked all hours, she did her best but we didn’t have much and there wasn’t much laughter in our homes.
And then came Gavin, they dated for a while before he was introduced to me, but he was a nice and friendly guy. He spoke with a broad Mancunian accent, larger than life. He worked as a project manager for a property development firm and could charm the hind legs off a donkey (as he liked to put it). But he brought with him a lightness our lives had been missing. Suddenly I saw my mum come alive, she didn’t have to work so much, we spent more time together, she was happy again, and so was I.
Gavin asked us to move into his place, and it was so exciting. The thought of having my own room, of not having to move every six months, being able to invite friends round from school and of maybe being a happy family. Gavin was great, except that he was still firmly stuck in the 90s. his clothes, his hair: think Paul Weller, with the floppy mop of hair and long sideburns.
But more than anything, the music. He loved music, Oasis were his idols, and his record collection was extensive. His house was simple but nice, and an impressive stereo was always playing every waking hour. As I recalled they were dancing round the kitchen, being giddy and I was so impossibly happy at leaving our old life behind and this being the new normal.
That morning, the morning I’d been transported back to, I’d been tasked with moving boxes into our bedrooms. The one I picked up was open with random clothes piled on top, struggling in to the bedroom I lost grip and it dropped to the floor, spilling open.
Out fell a dress, just like the one Ellie had tossed to the side in her search for a replacement top. I knew that dress, I’d seen it in a picture she showed me a few times, one of her memories from nights out before I arrived. I had no idea she kept it. I recalled picking it up, the sequins sparkling in the light, under it were a pair of shoes and a matching handbag. It was the entire outfit from that photo.
I could hear them in the kitchen, laughing and singing, playing on the stereo was There She Goes by the La’s
There she goes
There she goes again
Racing through my brain
And I just can't contain
This feelin' that remains
9 year old me had a silly idea, of putting on the dress and the shoes and then dancing into the kitchen to join them singing, you know, pretending I was the girl from the song.
I threw off my tshirt and shorts and pulled the dress over my head, it hung awkwardly and was clearly too big, the same with the shoes, I remembered it feeling nice, the fabric, the smell and the extra height of the shoes, but I also knew they’d find it hilarious. Carefully making my way down the stairs as the heels clicked and clacked, it was so exciting, the tension building as I was about to make my entrance.
The song was almost over and burst into the kitchen with dramatic effect, spinning and singing,
There she goes
(There she goes again)
There she goes
(There she goes again)
There she goes
(There she goes again)
But as the last chord struck my performance wasn’t met with the laughs and rapturous applause I thought it would. My mum was standing with her hand over her mouth, her eyes wide but smiling, after an awkward moment of silence her hand dropped a little “Oh sweatpea you look adorable, I forgot I had that, but it might be a few years before you grow into it” she said now with a broad smile on her face, hand resting on her chest.
Gavin on the other hand, for the first time id known him, was lost for words, he looked flustered like the cat had literally got his tongue. And suddenly I felt stupid for thinking they would find it funny. Kicking the shoes off I picked them up and scurried up the stairs, dumping the items back in the box and quickly getting dressed in my clothes.
I didn’t understand what I felt, but I didn’t like it and hid in my bedroom until I was called for lunch a few hours later. Sitting at the dinner table, nothing was said, I could tell my mum wanted to say something, but maybe to save me the embarrassment all I got was a gentle smile, a nod and an extra helping of cake for pudding. Gavin was back to his usual chatty self as if nothing had happened, and in that moment, I was glad I wouldn’t have to contend with these uncomfortable feelings any more.
~~~~~
“Babe!.... Babe, you there!?” Ellie shouted, suddenly back to reality, as she knelt surrounded by piles of clothes, holding some tops up towards me. The song probably long since finished, replaced by another familiar sounding indie hit.
Dazed I realised she was asking my opinion, she had a few items in her hands and I recognised one as a very tight fitting vest top with a plunging neckline. An image flashed of my reflection when I’d tried it on, and I loved how it hung over the silicone falsies I had. Grinning hard I pointed to it and said “that one”.
Her eyes narrowed a bit, “the plain one?” she asked quizzically. “Yeah, it looked good on me, you’ll…” I trailed off as my mind stalled, stuck in the combined memories. She shrugged and tossed the other items back, spending a second to orient it and pull it over her head.
As she snugged it down and settled into place, she looked at me with a knowing smirk. I felt my cheeks burn, she was literally popping out of it, if I thought I looked good in it she looked downright stunning. I could feel my skin goosebump, my heart raced. I might be in the midst of a mental crisis, but damn this girl.
“Clearly you’re feeling better already, if I leave the house in this I’ll get done for indecent exposure” she laughed. “Its not that bad, you look really good, I didn’t pick it because of that, I thought you’d look good and you do, I wasn..” she cut me off with a raised finger.
“Babe, your words are meaningless at this moment given your very obvious lack of poker face, and something else which is giving you a way entirely” she gestured, to my towel still hanging round my waist.
I was sporting a sizable tent, threatening to undo the loose knot of the towel, flustered I tried to apologise, to cover myself for really no reason other that to appease my own bashfulness. Given the things we’d done, the compromising positions she’d no doubt seen me in videos. This was the beigest level of tame I could imagine.
“OK, so now you’re feeling more like yourself, lets put together an outfit, don’t worry, I will not return the favour and have you semi naked. Something that’ll make you comfortable, but not be drab right?” she stated enthusiastically.
For a few moments she flitted from bags to draws and wardrobe mumbling to herself, while I stood there, thankfully regaining my composure, blood flowing back to a more sensible part of my anatomy. Eventually she passed me some items.
“It’s just some simple fitted jeans, one of your old band t-shirts and normal socks. Nothing too daring”. I took the jeans and held them up, I remember buying and wearing these, they were loose, but fitted really nicely, some of the early things I bought so kind of neutral but with a hint of femme. The t-shirt was fine, as were the socks “but what do I put underneath?” I asked,
“Well, to be honest your boxer selection is pretty grim. Even if you were a raging cishet guy I’d recommend you burn them, you’re better off going commando since your panties” she paused, clearly trying to find the words. “Your panties put my collection to shame, they are decidedly too saucy for your current, ahem, mental predicament. Perhaps order some plain cotton ones, boy shorts would look good on you” her gaze lingering, clearly well below eye level.
I trotted off to the bathroom, I might not have been wearing any clothes but I could feel the dried tears. A quick clean up I started getting dressed. It felt odd to be pulling up the jeans without any underwear on, and even stranger when I realised how tight they were to pull up all the way, I never remembered them being this way, I guess all those Michelle Champion DVD workouts and eating well really had done something.
They fastened up and actually fit well, my junk sat a little awkwardly but the little stretch in the material was comfortable enough. Trying not to think about it too much I threw on the t-shirt and the socks and tentatively looked in the mirror.
It was me, although hard to really tell which way, sort of a hybrid between the old me and the cam girl persona. My nipples were hard from being cold, which was often the case over the last few months exaggerated by the constant play, which popped out against the fabric of the t-shirt. The bottom of it hung just above my hips which were tightly packed in the jeans.
Compared to how I felt last night, this was OK, this was doable. My now long shaggy hair was a mess and as I pulled it over to one side it framed my face a little. It was so odd to see myself split, more than a hint of both parts of me at the same time. I saw Ellie come in and approach from behind.
She looked over my shoulder and brightly said “You doing OK? I told you it wouldn’t be so bad” and I could only nod and smile slightly, she wrapped her arms around me from the back, leaning her head against mine, and I couldn’t help but feel myself settle a bit, letting out an audible sigh.
I turned around and we parted a little, hands still on each others hips. I had a sudden explosion of gratitude, the need to thank her, to show how much it meant for her to be there but the words just seemed to get caught in my throat. She looked at me and just seemed to understand and as the words failed me I leant in and kissed her.
It started off gentle but quickly escalated, despite the rawness of emotions, the hangover still kicking around I had never craved another human being as much as I did her in that moment. I could tell she was a little apprehensive, perhaps worried I was still in a too fragile state. But right now I needed her, completely.
We stumbled from the bathroom, hands roaming frantically, mouths hungry. Gradually making our way to the bed, before unceremoniously crashing onto it. this wasn’t like the movies where they move seamlessly, there were bumps and a clumsiness that highlighted the fragility of my position.