Chapter 14.2
“Go on, you’re doing so well” her hands joined mine in my lap, giving me a gentle squeeze, “After that, I just felt weird, like I wasn’t there, I can recall bits but it’s all patchy, I ran home, I showered, I got dressed” faltering as I struggled to find words.
“I couldn’t decide what to wear, I didn’t feel like my clothes were right any more, any of them. I remembered I’d handed in my notice at work, turned down the promotion for a life that didn’t belong to me” my voice cracking, my throat tight as I held back the tears. She just smiled and held my hand.
“I threw on what I thought was right, but it didn’t feel right either. At the pub, it was doubles and pints, I don’t know how many, too many, I just needed to forget, to feel nothing, to erase it all end wake up different. I left at last orders, I got a kebab on the way home” I paused, “I don’t know how I got back, I can’t remember any of it. I just remember coming back and seeing all this, seeing my life in bags, seeing the life I’ve been living and not knowing what I should do”.
I looked down at my right hand, nails still perfectly painted on my right hand “I wanted these off, wanted everything to reset and they were still there. I tried polish remover, tried everything and then started picking it off with a knife. I guess you know the rest” my head hung, it felt good to get it out, but the weight in my chest showed no signs of letting up.
She squeezed me, and I looked at her “You know, its to be expected. It’s impossible to crack an egg without it being messy” my eyebrows furrowed, what the hell was she talking about. She clocked my confusion and her eyes widened “you do know the term right? I mean, your trans, you know the whole egg thing?” her voice sounding somewhat incredulous.
I shook my head “I was just camming for some extra cash, none of this was meant to happen, it just took on a life of its own, I let it get away from myself” I said weakly. She pouted, I could see her eyes thinking of what to say.
“Babe, I don’t know that many trans people, but I do know when someone is authentically happy, being themselves, when it isn’t an act, or a show for the cameras. You haven’t been just doing shows, when we hung out at the coffee shop that first time, there was no way that was an act, that was you. The real you” placing her hand on my chest, over my pounding heart.
“I don’t know, I’ve never thought about it like that” I stated blankly.
Ellie continued “Dysmorphia is a very real and strong thing, no one is immune from it, and its almost impossible to not have it after so many years keeping it hidden”. “But I haven’t been hiding it, it was just for the shows” I counted, it already sounding less believable to myself.
Ellie sighed and took a deep breath, “I need to tell you a story about a friend I had, Lana. She wasn’t too dissimilar to you, maybe not so lucky with being so naturally passable, but she did alright. I met her through a girl I was dating, and we clicked. Our friendship was only ever platonic, she was a bit younger than me, but I got a real good insight into the struggles of trans life for her”.
She adjusted her position on the sofa, facing me more squarely and looking me dead in the eyes, “Lana was always battling her demons, she came from a broken home and while her mum was supportive her religious dad was not, she had to tread the line to try and keep them both happy, not yet able to fully support herself or live independently she relied on both of them. She had to live with her dad, and she had to contain her true self, we all tried to chip in, to help her but she also couldn’t let him go. Should couldn’t live with her mum even if she did try to help”.
Her face softened, and the corners of her mouth dropped “Lana was such a great girl, she had plans, she wanted a certain life but her circumstanced wouldn’t allow it, she tried to do both, to please the people she needed to but it was never enough, it broke her. Living a lie, trying to split between the two worlds”. Her head fell and she held back a sob.
“She often told me of a song which she listened to whenever she felt herself break, it helped pull her through each time. But in the end, she disappeared, went non-contact, changed her number, we suspect she was carted off to a conversion center by her dad, someone thought they saw her on the street one day but she was a shell of a person, buzz cut and shirt and trousers. We lost her, and I know she would have never been truly happy boy modeing for the rest of her life, but she had no control at the time”.
She dabbed her eyes, tears tumbled as she tried to hold herself together, sniffing she carried on “The song she used to listen to was Dry the Rain, some obscure 90s band, you need to hear it, if it helped her, it will help you too”. She pulled out my phone, queued up the song and it started playing over my speakers.
Drumbeats kicked in and a strumming guitar filled the flat.
This is the definition of my life
Lying in bed in the sunlight
Choking on the vitamin tablet
The doctor gave in the hope of saving me
In the hope of saving me
It continued for a few minutes, my mind releasing, thoughts and feeling unfolding as the beats ramped up, Ellie looking intently at my face, gently holding my hand and slipping an arm round my shoulders.
Take me in and dry the rain
Take me in and dry the rain
Take me in and dry the rain
Take me in and dry the rain, the rain
The rain, the rain, the rain, the rain now
Her tears were rolling down her face, her bottom lip quivering as she held back, clearly bringing back some painful memories for her.
If there's something inside that you wanna say
You can say it out loud, it'll be okay
I will be your light
I will be your light
I will be your light
I will be your light
I need love, yeah
I need love
If there's something inside that you wanna say
Say it out loud, it'll be okay
I will be your light
I will be your light
I will be your light
I will be your light
As the song faded, I realised my chest was getting dripped on, my eyes had been streaming, the lyrics felt so profound, so specifically written for me. And then Ellie leant in and said “If there's something inside that you wanna say, Say it out loud, it'll be okay”.
She pulled me in to a tight hug, and repeated it again. The tension in my shoulders released and I bawled again, floods of tears gushing free. I held on, I could tell she was crying hard too, my breath hitched and I briefly caught myself. Pulling away a little. She cupped my face, inches from her own “Say it out loud, it’ll be okay…. It really will be OK”
I could only nod, as she leant in and our lips met, it wasn’t about passion, this was about love, about caring, about being myself. My true self. And with the quietest voice possible, between ragged breaths and sobs, barely audible “I like being her, I want to be her, I’m just scared I’m making a mistake” with pleading eyes, hoping she would have the perfect answer.
Crying with a smile she looked down, paused, before cracking into a laugh and said “you really do have a habit of getting me soaking wet”. Looking at her top it was dripping, I laughed back, Ellie really was impossible, this incredible person who’d just got me to bear my soul, to open a chasm to the very core of my being, could say something like that and instantly flip the mood.
I punched her shoulder lightly, my voice raising in pitch, “well I have a towel you can borrow, if you don’t mind the stench of despair and sadness” she guffawed and punched me back “There she is… glad to have you back babe, but seriously, you are not allowed to ever do that to me again you hear” we slipped into another deep hug.
“I’ll be ok, if you’ll be my light” I replied, referencing the song just played. She nodded and kissed me again. A loud grumble emanated from my stomach. “Right missy, we both need to get cleaned up, dressed and get you something to eat”. Feeling a little more strength in my voice “That sounds like a plan I can get behind, just no kebab ok?”.
Laughing we climbed off the sofa and made the way to the bathroom. The music was still playing, only it had reverted to some random 90s playlist, gently filling the void of silence that was in my apartment.
As Ellie made her way into the bathroom to clean up, I stood infront of the mess that was my bedroom. Strewn items of clothing lay all over, towards the door the bin bags of my guy clothes, ready to be thrown out, but also spilling onto the floor where I’d rummaged through them the previous night.
On the other side, my opened drawers and cupboard, strewn garments laying haphazardly, so many outfits, most of them totally indecent to be worn on a regular day. The lingerie, the heels. I felt a rising heat, but it quickly turned into panic, and then paralysis. I just stood there, not knowing what to put on.
I jumped as I felt a gentle hand rest on my shoulder, Ellie was back at my side, wearing only a bra and jeans. As I caught sight, my face must have betrayed me as she giggled and said “I can tell you’re going to be alright, not many people manage to perv and have a mental breakdown at the same time” and I blushed the deepest shade of scarlet.
Ellie continued “Look, you know you don’t have to pick one or the other, you can do both. Jeans from here, top from there, you choose what you’re comfortable with, and take it from there. Some days you might want the pink frills and lace, others jeans and a hoodie. Us girls do that too you know?”
A slight smile crept over my face, and I nodded in response, but was still unable to move. Sensing my hesitation, “Well I need to borrow one of your tops since you messed mine up, so I hope you don’t mind” I went to say something, but struggled to find words, and she just went ahead and fished out a few items, holding them up to her chest and showing me each one.