Camming Down the Rabbit Hole

Waking groggily, My eyes burnt at the harsh light, head pounding, my body aching in ways I never thought possible, a stabbing pain ripped through my left hand as I lifted it to my temple. It was wrapped in a tidy looking bandage. “what the fuck happened?” I asked myself. I was in bed, the same grubby t-shirt from last night, boxers and socks still on.

How had I even got here? Gradually as my eyes adjusted to the mess in my room, sitting up I could see the blood stained sheets the bandage started to make sense. Rubbing my eyes, things started to come back. Yesterdays events, the park, Marc, the bliss and then the panic. My stomach fluttered, part nausea from the booze that followed, part disgust at what I’d done but something else mixed in too.

Shaking my head at the thought, I winced in pain. This was all wrong, all fucked up. My heart beat with a heavy weight, I felt like crap both physically and mentally. Those shots, the beers, the food, the memories all needed to get out of me, I needed the bathroom quick.

Stumbling out of bed I barely noticing anything in my apartment I hurled into the toilet, sparking memories of yesterday, of what I’d done to initiate that. This felt better though, immediately feeling pressure relief in my stomach. The stench of the kebab I’d bought caught me, cutting through the mental haze.

Flushing I sat down, my body not yet done rejecting the punishments id self-inflicted, extra chilli sauce was a terrible idea, drunk me would never have to deal with that particular consequence and it seemed unfair to add it to the rest of the shit I was going through, pun intended.

Some time later I was done, my legs going numb, my hand and head still throbbing with discomfort. I needed a shower, but also not to get this bandage wet. I had no recollection of where or how I’d got that done. My patchy memory had me fumbling the door keys, getting back into the flat, but the rest was missing, void, forgotten down the bottomless pit that is a direct result of not only mixing your drinks, but drinking too much too quickly.

With an arm hanging away from the spray, I just stood under the jet, letting it cleanse my body and mind. Nothing was coming back to me, but feeling empty I could at least think about piecing together what happened.

Awkwardly drying myself I looked at my crumpled up t-shirt and boxers, no way was I going to put them back on, stepping out the smell of fresh coffee hit me, but I couldn’t remember making anything, I rounded the corner and looked to my bedroom. There were clothes everywhere, the bags I’d organised split and strewn. My draws open, womens garments spilling onto the floor.

My stomach flipped as the raw emotions of yesterday surged back, but I was rigid, frozen and paralyzed by the thought of what to wear, I wanted the guy clothes but they were boring, uncomfortable and ill fitting. The girls clothes appealed but I couldn’t do that any more, it wasn’t me. My shoulders slumped, my head pounded, eyes watering, and then the aroma caught my nose again “But first coffee” I thought to myself.

As I walked to the kitchen area a figure stepped before me, my eyes still unfocussed, Ellies voice cut through the silence “ABOUT TIME YOU SHOWED YOUR FACE, YOU FUCKING IDIOT” she blasted, taking a step towards her I had no time to react before I felt the sting of a full palm slap, smash across my cheek.

The room spun, my ears rang as I clutched my jaw, the bandaged hand doing little to sooth the rush of pain. My feet were unsteady, I was stunned as I felt her pull me into a deep hug. “I thought you’d stabbed yourself, thought I’d lost you, what the hell were you thinking, you didn’t answer my calls, you didn’t need to do that, you fucking idiot, you can’t just do that” she was sobbing now, voice cracking.

My vision clearing as she pulled back a little and her face came into focus. She looked fraught, stressed and dishevelled, I was so used to seeing her perfectly made up, polished, and this couldn’t be further. I still felt numb, my eyes were watering from the slap, The ringing had subsided in my ear, and with it came clarity. Literally knocked to my senses and memories flooded back from the day before.

“I don’t know what I’m doing, I don’t know who I am any more, what I’m supposed to do, I made a mistake, but I can’t let it go” I meekly babbled, barely above a whisper, my voice splitting between registers, lost in-between states, my mind flipping from one to the other.

Her expression faltered, frowning before a slight smile broke her lips. I could barely look at her, my eyes not able to pick out an object, wanting to rest on the nothingness of middle distance. I felt her guide me to the sofa, sitting, still naked except for the towel wrapped around my waist. “I’ll get you a coffee”.

I have no idea how long it took her I zoned out, but it seemed like seconds before I felt the weight on the sofa shift and she wrapped an arm round my shoulder. “Here, take a sip, I’m not going anywhere until you tell me what happened”. I held the cup, once again surprised by the bandage on my hand, lifting it to my mouth I took a sip, the bitter nectar scolding the inside of my cheek, no doubt split from the sill stinging hand print left by her slap.

“I can’t” I almost whispered, my mind was relaying the days and nights events, it wasn’t crystal clear but details kept coming back, I’d wince at each recollection. Sitting in silence taking sip after sip until the cup was finished and the mental numbness began the thaw.

I looked at Ellie “I’m sorry” was all I could get out before my eyes welled up, her face scrunched and she sniffed as I began to uncontrollably sob. She held me close, my head buried into her shoulder, everything just released and the room faded. I don’t know how long I cried for, but once I started I couldn’t stop and she just kept holding me.

After a while I became aware of her soothing voice, she could have been speaking for hours I had no idea I’d even tuned out, I wasn’t crying any more but my body was still trying to, sniffing I pulled back realising I had soaked her shoulder, and it wasn’t all tears “I’m sorry” I blubbed “I’ve made a mess” nodding towards the patch.

“After last night, I’ll take this any day. You know you’re lucky you left the doors open, and even more lucky I happened to cover applying stitches in med school before I dropped out” nodding towards my hand. “Now are you going to tell me what happened?”

I slumped back into the sofa, the broken remains of what I thought my life was, there were enough pieces I could probably put it together, but there was pain with every memory, a raw truth sitting under all the debris that I wasn’t sure I wanted to disturb. I closed my eyes and let out a deep sigh. Silence once again filled the room.

“OK” she interrupted, “I’ll go first, and then we’ll walk back from there”. I looked at her, she was so naturally pretty, I didn’t deserve to have her in my life, she was obviously in pain too, and the stress was written all over her face.

“I know you were meeting Marc and I expected a text or a call, when I heard nothing I was worried, but I thought maybe it went even better than expected and you went back to his. but by the evening I really was expecting something from you, a little message, an eggplant splash emoji” she giggled nervously. “Anything to say you were fine, and when I called it went straight to voice mail I got really worried. I had no idea where you were or if you were ok, bad things can happen to girls meeting guys sometimes” she stopped, words catching in her throat.

“I cancelled my plans, the show I was going to do, and came round. But the lights were off and there was no answer, I just had to hope you were alright. At home I just waited by the phone, calling every now and again. Eventually you called, slurring, barely understandable. You said you stabbed yourself. And then cut me off, I thought you’d tried to end it”

Her voice was faltering, eyes fully welled up, a single tear ran down her cheek as she sniffed to try and stop herself. Seeing her this distraught almost set me off again and all I could do was bow my head and whisper that I was sorry.

She lifted my chin, and looked me in the eyes “you do not have to be sorry, it’s also my fault for pushing you. I thought you were ready, but I got over excited and I should know better” chastising herself and visibly making a mental note to not let that happen again. “As soon as you cut me off, I grabbed my old meds bag, I tried to call an ambulance on the way, but the NHS is still dealing with so many Covid cases they said unless it was life threatening it would be hours before they could get an ambulance to you.”

I could see the worry in her face, the gravity of the situation I’d thrust on her was not lost on me, but before I could apologise again she carried on. “The main door wasn’t closed properly, and so was your flat door. I was thankful, but also terrified of what I might find” she paused to take a sip from her cup.

“You were passed out on the bed, thankfully your hand was still gripping the wound but as I moved it, it was pretty obviously a deep cut that would need stiches. For the first time in my life I was grateful someone was black out drunk. I got it cleaned up and stitched without you even flinching. It’s been a few years since I did that, and never without supervision, but I think you got my best work” she beamed, looking down to my hand.

“Thank you”, I croaked, breaking into a slight smile, it hurt like hell, but I had to be thankful. “I put you into bed, in the recovery position and stayed up all night making sure you were OK. Well until just earlier where I swear to god I could have killed you myself for putting me through that” she laughed, but only half joking.

“I’m sorry” I said with less hesitation, “I’m really sorry, I just wanted my nails off, I slipped, it wasn’t anything more, although I wasn’t in a good place…. I mean, I’m still not in a good place, but I wouldn’t do that, honestly” my eyes watering again.

“Then talk me through it, and don’t spare the details, I can’t help unless I understand what’s happening inside that noggin of yours” she said gently tapping my delicate head. “OK, I’ll try, but I might have to skip some bits, I’m not sure I want to relive that just yet” my face flushing in embarrassment.

“We met in the park, it was exciting, I was ready, I wanted it, I mean, I thought I did” trailing off a little, she just nodded for me to continue. “We ran to the spot we went before, and well, I guess it went how I wanted it to, only it was” I struggled to find the words “Intense” I said with a little more force than was perhaps necessary.

She smiled, and her cheeks filled with a little colour. Damn this girl could be so disarming “I, I, I can’t go into details” and her eyes rolled as she laughed. I laughed too but also felt that twist in my stomach “it broke me, it was too much, I can’t even describe it. but when we were done, I didn’t feel like me anymore. Well I didn’t feel like either of me, the old me, or the cam girl me”. My voice trailing off.