59. You Can’t Expect Me To Confess
「Katsumi」
This isn’t going as planned.
Yesterday night, after enough nagging from the girls I finally looked into how one would go about changing their family documents, because that’s my personal prerequisite for dressing as a girl to work, even if Mayumi keeps insisting that it doesn’t matter and I could just do it.
Apparently you need to get a letter from a doctor, but according to Hotaru that’s just a formality. I just have to state that I’m a woman and answer some basic questions. She said she knows a doctor whom she can recommended who is very respectful and delicate when it comes to this matter. After that you take that to the Family Court, fill out a petition and thats it, they’ll send you your new documents.
I get the feeling it wasn’t this straight forward and easy in my old world. Not that I ever looked into it.
The actual annoying part is, this is the procedure when you have like, a Gender Identity Disorder, but there isn’t one for when you fall victim to the sex-change demon. Which seems like a massive oversight, because those things exist and they do transform people. I looked it up. So why wouldn’t there be a form or a path for those people!?
The girls totally weren’t on my side tho, telling me that people usually don’t want to change their documents but change their bodies back. And then Hotaru was all like, for the rare case that someone doesn’t want to change back, that only proves that they were trans to begin with, so the Gender Identity Disorder form still applies to them.
None of them understood what my problem was.
Ugh.
It’s about saving face!
It’s like a complete humiliation to proclaim to a doctor that you’re a special weirdo who wants to be a girl and then fill out the specific form for special weirdo’s who want to be girls, that’s like so degrading!
I don’t want to do any of that.
So I tabled that whole thing for the time being.
The doctors will probably ask if I’m into guys and stuff. Because girls are supposed to be into guys and I… I’m not… I’m not into anyone.
I only have stupid fantasies of me as a girl being loved by other girls, us kissing and cuddling and maybe even doing the other thing. ♡⋆ ˚｡⋆
If I tell them that, they’ll never let me change my documents.
Women, even if they have like romantic relationships with other girls, they’re supposed to grow out of them. Same goes for gross little crossdressing boys who are envious of girls. Not something one should carry into adulthood.
Actual women, they have husbands and kids and I… I’ll never be that.
And yes, I know this isn’t true for Chie, Mayumi, Haruki or Hotaru, but they aren’t beholden to someone else’s judgment, they just get to be women.
No-one is questioning them.
They just get to be.
And yes, I know what Ouha’s 'solution' would be.
────୨ৎ────
I had a throughly miserable day with Mr. Kataoka and Shiro, who was genuinely annoying this time. Not that I can’t point to anything specific, he just behaved all irritated and strange. Maybe his big brother talked to him about his gacha habit.
I wouldn’t be surprised.
Anyway, my shift is done and I have more important things to do.
I grab my bag from the locker and make straight for the dry-cleaner next door. I know Yukio should be in.
Past the entrance I see him talking to a customer, a fancy salary-woman, so I take a position in the rear and wait for my turn. I catch him stealing glances at me.
My guy, focus on your costumer, not me.
The woman takes a considerable amount of time, didn’t know you could be this specific when it comes to washing and ironing clothes, but what do I know.
She leaves and I step up.
“Hi.”
“Hi.”
In the pause I put the bag with the clothes and the box of store bought chocolate on the counter.
“Please tell your mother from me that I’m very grateful for lending me your cousin’s clothes. And please give her these.”
Yukio’s eyes sweep over me as he awkwardly rubs his neck.
“Yeah… I’ll… tell her.”
“Good.” I beam a smile at him and get ready to depart and-
“Dude,” Yukio mumbles. “Give me something. I covered for you.”
“Huh?”
"Like, how you were a girl this whole time? I mean I should’ve known when you knew so much about what girls like and how you kept getting mad at me.”
“What,” I snap, “because I got angry when you were an insensitive ass, it means that I’m a girl!?”
“Can you not do this, this time?”
“What!?”
"Where you get mad and storm off?”
I stare a hole into the floor.
Why do people have be so nosy?
Why do they want to talk about it, can’t they just leave me be?
I don’t want to talk about it.
Just let me live as a girl.
“It’s complicated.” I grumble.
“Dude come on.”
“I don’t want to talk about it.”
Yukio gives an exasperated sigh. “You know I…”
He doesn’t finish his sentence.
Seconds run by and I just want to be as far away as possible.
Finally I concede, while avoiding looking at him, “I’ll tell you one day, but not now.”
“Okay.”
His answer sounds heavy and resigned.
Not ideal, but I can’t tell him why I have breasts when I’m supposed to be a guy.
I look up at him.
Something still seems to be on his mind.
“So…” he starts, “my mom, she made the connection and I told her it couldn’t possibly be true but I have to ask. Kojou? You’re not actually of the Kojou-Clan, your father isn’t a lord is he?”
“Uh… actually he is.” My gaze falls again “But I got disowned and thrown out.”
“What the fuck.”
“What?”
“Oh the konbini boy I met with his pretty boy looks, he is actually the disgraced daughter of a lord. And her brother is a super famous B-rank hunter and her father has a family seat in the House of Peers and is the head of fucking Kojou Enterprises. And she won’t tell me why she is pretending to be a man or why she works a konbini when her family's fucking loaded.”
“I told you they threw me out. I have nothing.” I snarl.
“But you could go back.”
“No I can’t!”
They want a son. A son that is dead and that I can’t replace. I just got settled with his body and identity, that I never asked for!
What I’ve done since they cast me out—I can’t imagine they’d be happy about it either. I’ve been basically desecrating what’s left of their son, changing his body so I’m more comfortable. But it’s not like I chose to takeover his body. He’s gone and this is all that I have left now.
Yukio says nothing but I can feel the question in the air.
Fuck it.
“I can’t be who they want me to be and I wasn’t a good person. I’ve changed, but I caused them a lot of trouble in past. It’s better if we go separate ways. They won’t like what I’m doing now. And I don’t need them. I’m not going to be a burden this time.”
He looks at me with an expression I can’t place for a long time until he nods.
Okay this is awkward.
I don’t know what to do now.
There is a low rumble before Yukio lets loose a hearty laughter.
“Shit man, you’re like an anime protagonist, the ronin outcast with a cover identity who slays demons at night. Saying shit like, I’m going to be a burden no longer.”
Eh!?
Quickly falling out of my initially stunned state I smirk, “I was supposed to be the villainess you know, but it wasn’t my style.”
He chuckles. “You don’t say.”
As his low voice runs out we fall into another pause.
One he breaks, “So uh, for the record, next time when I ask you to hang, do I get the mellow konbini boy with the pent-up anger or the bubbly girl who talks my ear off?”
I fidget, “Uhm… I… probably the latter, unless that’s like, a problem?”
"No, no I like her. Just didn’t know she existed. Came as bit of a shock last time. And I might get a bit overwhelmed so no getting mad at me, please. Okay?”
I nice fluttering settles in my chest.
I nod and say my goodbyes.
I don’t have to lie, I can just let others assume and not correct them. This can work.
And I’m sorry Yukio, I’m not going to tell you until I have fixed some things, not before I used the【MSCD3000】on myself. I have to be an actual girl for this.
On my way home I check my phone.
It’s odd.
In my old life I was so often looking at it, even while I was walking to or from a place. I never do that now.
After my reincarnation I grew kinda hesitant about my phone, because it isn't really mine.
This thing is from him, pretty boy, a reminder.
I never really looked through all his stuff. It always seemed so private, and it didn't really suit the image I had of him, from how he acted in the novel or how he had behaved around others.
He took pictures, of just really mundane things, but in a kinda artsy try-hard way, but I can’t say they aren't pretty.
But also the other things on there…
Pretty boy said some horrible things about Tarō.
Maybe I should write him back?
Tarō is actually a decent guy and I’m basically running around with the face and life of his old school friend turned rival. He probably wishes his friend back.
It wasn’t his fault that pretty boy suddenly decided to become a complete douchebag and started bullying him mercilessly.
Maybe I can undo some more of the damage you did, pretty boy.
You really knew how to piss everyone off. From your family to your supposed former best friend. And as you aren't around anymore you can't complain when give your old school friends some piece of mind.
And we don't have to talk about how I ruined Tarō's little hero story and that maybe I feel a little guilty about that. I'm just fixing the mess you made pretty boy.
By the time I reach my flat I have decided to take Tarō up on his offer—if it’s even still standing. My fears about him are unfounded anyway. I’m not going to end up in a harem.
A quick shower and then it’s time for my evening plan.
Because you see, if you do all your meal prep on the day before you can genuinely make a nice bento box with fresh stuff in the morning without having to stand up a full hour in advance.
Also I put on a skirt, because why not. It’s my flat and I can do what I want. Also embodying a pretty girl gives at least a 20% buff to my cooking.
It doesn’t matter that I was born a boy or that I reincarnated as one, I’m just not a guy. And as I’m not one there totally isn’t any need to adhere to some expectation of how men should behave or be!
Fuck it!
Even if it’s only temporary until I fix myself, I’m going to be the nail that sticks out, I’m trying this 'living as girl despite it all' thing.
And it'll probably get me into trouble at work but I really can’t do what Mayumi suggested, that I just dress like a girl for it.
I’m too scared.
But I’m not going to force myself when it comes to behavior and stuff anymore. I don’t care anymore! I was so feaking miserable constantly being weary and trying to be like Yukio and Shiro.
So whatever, let them talk.
I want to be close to Hikari again.
As a nice gesture I’ll make her something to eat that we can share—it’s only fitting—and I’m going to try to explain to her what happened that one night.
Honestly in hindsight I didn’t know it would feel that awful. Even the memory hurts. She was supposed to kiss girl-me… not—ugh—whatever!
Not sure how I’m going to explain it, but I’ll try.
I can do it.
────୨ৎ────
I CAN’T!!!
Hikari’s face hovers close.
I thought I’d find some explanation. She deserves one, but I don’t even know where to start.
The moment I started talking all normal again to her she lit up like a floodlight and hasn’t stopped since.
It’s super intoxicating. I know I’ve been smiling back the whole time and then like, when I told her about the bento box I made, she was so sweet and I think she blushed, but I don’t know because at that point my heart was hammering so hard I felt like I would just collapse.
My hands were so sweaty.
And now she is right next to me and we actually brushed against each other and my mind is just gone or whatever.
"Your skin is so soft Katsumi."
"Mhm."
She smells so nice! All sweet and kinda like caramel, like what kind of shampoo or stuff is she using? I like it.
She has these small dimples from her grin as she almost sheepishly takes one of the chicken slices.
My cheeks are burning.
Hikari is eating my cooking and making all those cute and satisfied expressions AND SOUNDS!!!
How am I supposed to stay composed?!
Like I had planned to talk about that time I ran away after she…
After she…
After she…
I CANNOT THINK ABOUT THAT RIGHT NOW! IT STILL HURTS!
That’s the problem, I’d have to tell her about my thing!
My silent wish and everything,
But If I fuck this up, I’d fuck up the chances for future girl-me… or like for when I fix myself and get to be a girl for real or whatever.
That’s such a heavy responsibility!
Because it’s one thing if you turn into a girl because of a demon and it isn’t your fault and you aren’t the responsible party and you’re just acquiescing to your fate and coming to like it.
It’s something completely different if you’re the weirdo who did it to himself.
It’s like if I had gone to school here and the demon thing would’ve happened to me, then the girls probably would’ve welcomed me and helped me getting used to being one of them. I would’ve gotten praise how well I’m dealing with it. It would’ve gotten me sympathy.
The other case… the other case would’ve gotten me shunned by the girls and harassed by the boys. A gross weirdo. A perverted boy.
You can’t compare the two. It’s not the same.
So setting out and just confessing the latter to someone isn’t an inviting prospect.
It’s Hikari, I can’t lose her!
She did my make-up the first time and taught me all the initial stuff.
Without her I wouldn’t have started learning make-up. I wouldn’t have started crossdressing. Without her none of it would’ve happened. Probably wouldn’t even be a real demon-hunter.
She was the first to show me the girl in the mirror.
I… I can’t.
Her eyes are closed as her praise reaches my ears, “That tastes so good Katsumi.”
I really… I really like you Nagata Hikari.
And I can’t tell you.
I’m too much of a coward.
She gives me a nudge before her chopsticks fish out another slice, “Come on dig in. You made more than enough for both of us.”
“Yeah… uh…”
She smirks, “Did I tell you you’re incredibly cute when you’re this flustered.”
『 OVERFLOW ERROR 』
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