I got isekaied but not the way I wanted (wished to be a girl♀ but I’m a guy♂ again)

「Mayumi」

"Its gonna be fine," Chie says, holding onto my hand.

Before us, into the darkness of the late evening, Katsumi's apartment building rises as a mountain. An insurmountable thing, warding off its challengers with chill winds and the promise of a sealed fate, decided long ago at base camp. Setting out, having been the true mistake.

"Or she'll just slam the door in my face," I mumble. "Again."

I wouldn't blame her.

"She won't," Hotaru says with that infuriating certainty. Even if its somewhat comforting. She stands opposite Chie, wearing one of those very reserved summer dresses in a light orange.

"If only because we won't let her," Haruki adds. She's right behind me, like a wall I could lean against. All three of them have me surrounded, with only one way to go but forward.

A grumble tumbles out of me.

"Fine. Lets go."

My shoes dully slap the stairs as I ascend, a cadence for my reluctant mood. The memories flash as I go. Those of my last time before this door. Katsumi, and her insistance that no, she cannot be happy. All before she cast me out in anger for daring to tell her that she was wrong. Another picture flashes, it isn't Katsumi. Her smile.

Ghosts of the past.

Ants on a still body.

You shouldn't have looked.

I think of Hotaru holding a knife to Katsumi's throat. I'm no better. Same as her, I was too harsh, too careless, and all of us suffered for it.

Her door appears too fast.

Chie knocks before I can get my bearings.

The seconds are unbearable.

Then, it opens with a slow creaking groan.

Katsumi eyes us with a surprised stare, far from the upset I expected.

The light overhead catches on the fuzz of two cosplay ears she is wearing for whatever reason.

Her voice is meek, but friendly when she greets us all.

She isn’t trying to hide her chest—not hunched over nor wearing the tight sports bra Chie suggested. What she has is visible under her oversized t-shirt. She isn’t hiding.

It’s Chie who breaks the stalemate after no-one seems to find their words, “We thought about giving you a visit. You aren’t busy are you?”

“No, uh… come in. Please.”

She moves to the side letting everyone pile in, while I remain where I am.

In the line of girls moving past her, Chie halts to comment as she removes her shoes, “Cute fox ears.”

Our miko goes blank and freezes. She forgot she was wearing them it seems. Hesitantly, her fingers go for them as if unsure they’re there. A stare of confusion as her touch lets the hairband they’re attached to slide from her head.

It’s a welcome distraction.

There is an inquiry if she had someone over today from Hotaru, because of some mats and a table on the ground. Katsumi answers in the affirmative, but fails to mention who.

It matters not. She wasn’t alone, that’s good.

Everyone piles into her small one-room, leaving only me and Katsumi at the door.

My head falls and I press my hands together to bow.

“I’m sorry, I fucked up… I shouldn’t… I shouldn’t have pushed you. That was wrong of me and-"

“No.”

I look up to see her crying, her hands fiddling with the fox ear hairband.

“Y-you were right.” She whispers, her eyes trained on the ground. “I’m not a guy. And I shouldn’t have pushed you away. That’s… that’s what I always do, when people come… close. So uhm…” She turns around. “… everyone, I’m sorry that I cut you out of my life. I shouldn’t have done that. I hope you can all forgive me, and I’m so glad you’re here.”

Katsumi smiles. It reaches her ears despite the tears.

My hands ball into fists. “No. I went too far, I hurt you!”

“Yeah you did, but I’m kinda… you know, glad? It made me aware. And that might have hurt and stuff but that wasn’t like, bad. Being shown that you’re making yourself unhappy should hurt, right? I’m just… not very good with any of that. And I know I hurt you back so…”

She trails off, face crumpled.

I press, "It wasn't my place to dictate when and how you deal with your shit. I just…"

My voice catches, and its like nothing will come out.

"I just…" Swallow, breathe. "Hated seeing you hurting. I should’ve been less of a bitch about it. And I'm sorry.”

Her tone turns solemn, away from the tear strung smile. “You know, when it feels that your whole life, everything has been telling you that it’s better to be a guy, and even if you have a silent wish to be a girl, it’s better to stay a guy because the other thing is pathetic and won’t happen anyway, then… then I guess someone being a major bitch in the opposite direction isn’t so bad.”

“What… ?”

“I think I’m glad someone finally pushed in a direction that did something. Someone in my corner, but for real, even if it hurt. Someone who fought. Think I needed that. When all you’ve been taught is how you shouldn’t wish to be a girl and how you’ll never be one, it’s actually refreshing having someone yell at you that you are one. I mean it made stuff clearer in hindsight.”

She gestures that I should come inside. A voiceless plea.

I forgo holding on to my refusal. The door shuts behind me.

It shouldn't be this easy.

I hurt her, went too far, screamed.

We’re close. An awkward moment only highlighted by her continued fiddling with the hairband in her hands. It looks well made. Uncanny how real they look.

“Should even I ask?” I say eyeing the thing, before kneeling to get out of my shoes.

“I was a mess today.” Katsumi mumbles before her voice finds some confidence, “So Ouha must’ve put them on me after my shower. Without me noticing. Her kind of humor...”

Her spirit? It was here? The guest she entertained?

I feel like laughing at that. The absurdity of it, having a kitsune over as if it were an everyday occurance.

“You should wear them more often. They’re cute!” It comes from Chie.

A blush creeps in on Katsumi’s face and she quickly puts the fox ear hairband down.

She projects her voice, “Can I get you girls anything? My fridge is a bit empty but I can make tea or get you something from the vending machine at the corner.”

“Will you just come to us first?“ Haruki replies.

I tag along and we all sit down on the floor.

“So…” Chie starts, before Katsumi picks it up.

“I should probably explain myself. Also—again—thanks for not giving up on me. But uhm yeah… First of all," she shoots me a glance. "I’m not a guy. I think I have to say that. And I will try to live as a girl. So please continue treating me like one. But I myself I don’t feel ready calling myself one. I’m not ready. I’ll get there… as of now it’s like, aspirational, okay? I’m still in training.”

"Still sticking to that, are we?" Haruki says, brows raised.

"Well… yes," Katsumi replies. "But not because I'm a guy, or anything. I just, umm, I'm not how I wanna be right now. Not… ah," her hands move in cute little circles, "done."

Haruki nods slowly as Chie says, "I think I get that."

"Yeah," Hotaru says seriously. "You're still coming to terms. That is not something that happens in a day. It will take time. How much, no one can tell you."

"And we'll be here with you for all of it," I finish.

Katsumi blinks, her large eyes going glassy again.

"You girls are the best," she says. "You came… "

"Of course," Chie says with some decent sass. "You can't get away from us that easy, Katsu-chan. We were worried about you, and… well, then there was this."

Chie holds out her phone, presumably showing Katsumi the the B-class assist to her name.

“Oh that?” Katsumi starts awkwardly playing with her fingers. “I-I-I went on a… date with another hunter. And the date was like, a hunt. And she vanquished the demon, and I was there and like, helped a little.”

“YOU DID WHAT!?”

Hotaru pats Chie's head in chastisement, still wincing at her outburst. “You’re not ditching us are you?” she asks.

“What!? NO! Never. It was a one time thing, because I agreed to go on a date with her.”

I snort, laughter bubbling within me. “You’re out here casually getting picked up by someone who can solo a class-B demon? Who even goes on a hunt as a date?”

“You have actually met her…”

"Excuse me?" Haruki says.

"The uh," Katsumi fidgets with her fingers, "The tall beauty in the suit…”

My eyes widen. "That bitch?!"

"The one who kissed you?" Chie exclaims before she mumbles, "Respect."

I swat at her, saying, "Why would you—she’s not only poaching our kills, but now our Miko too!?”

“It was a one time thing!”

"Right…" Haruki mutters, looking about as unamused as I am. Hotaru is suspiciously silent, her eyes sparkling with intrigue.

"Anything else we should know about?" I demand.

Katsumi shrugs.

"No, I didn't do much. Wasn’t in the best mood and with work it was all a bit of a blur. So there was only Miori—tall suit girl—she…" Katsumi's mouth struggles between a smile and a frown. "She was uh… persistent and kinda rude. Asking for my 'sister' and stuff. So I got carried away a bit and it all ended with me getting asked out by her and I couldn’t really tell her off."

"So you went?" I mutter.

She presses her hands against the floor. "It wasn't bad. We had like a little walk after she dispensed with the demon and… it was nice, really sweet. But I didn’t share much because of my situation, she doesn’t know that… thing about me."

Haruki hums.

"There wasn't much else," she continues. "Just work. Oh yeah, and then yesterday a friend, he took me up the mountain on his motorcycle."

"Did he now?" Hotaru muses, hand on her fist.

"Yeah, it’s like his special place, because it’s like super tranquil and it totally was. I really needed that. We had a snack up there but it sadly started raining suddenly and I was drenched and he didn't want to send me home like that so we had to go back to his house..." Hotaru's raises her brows. "to get changed, so—this is super embarrassing…" She covers her face. "He uh, saw that I have, umm… " She gestures at her breasts, and it almost sends me laughing. "And his mom gave me some girl-clothes since they obviously thought I was a girl and well… we ate some soup with his parents and he drove me home."

I share a side glance with Chie and Haruki.

"Uhhuh," Chie says.

"What?" Katsumi asks. "What's with the faces?"

"You've uh, been busy," I say non-commitally.

"Hardly."

A smile curls my lips.

"Anyway," she says, "What have you all been up to?"

The mood sours. Haruki frowns, Chie looks sideways at nothing, biting her lip, and I grimace. Hotaru is the one to answer.

"Well, we sort of disbanded for a bit."

Katsumi's eyes bug out comically. "WHAT?!"

I huff and answer. "In your absence, we tried to do that job with the B-class. It didn't go well. I got injured, and Haruki…" I share a lingering glance with her. "Well, it was a mess."

My fingers make the journey across the floor to where Haruki's are, and our hands intertwine. That ordeal is over. No point in digging it up right after it's been buried.

Katsumi looks like she wants to ask but thankfully doesn't.

"Speaking of," Chie says, "We're going to have to talk about how we do our hunting going forward, but… not right now." She gives Katsumi a hug. "Right now I'm just glad to have us all together again."

Tears appear in Katsumi's eyes again. "Oh… me too I…"

No need to stop myself. I join them, encircling the both with my arms. Haruki and Hotaru follow, and like that we're all a pile of limbs on the floor. I have to force the burning in my eyes away. I'm… happy. Happy and relieved and so fucking glad that its all okay.

Everyone lingers, showing they must feel the same.

Somone giggles. It's a mess and Katsumi gulps, "You're squishing me."

"Can't be helped. Take it," is all Haruki has to offer.

When we finally detangle, there's a mention of dinner, and an impromptu movie night.

Almost naturally Katsumi and Hotaru fall into preparing the space, fashioning a seating area out of her futon while Chie begins setting up Katsumi's laptop on the low table. Haruki looks a bit lost. I send her a grin.

I tell them I'll make a quick trip to the vending machine. Katsumi describes the way and under many thanks I take everyone's order.

I step outside.

A shift in atmosphere.

Even with the evening air holding on to the heat and moisture of the day, there is an openness to it, to the sky above and the ever present roil of the city. It clears the head. I drink it in.

Down the stairs, around the building on the opposite side of the narrow street, it’s easily found.

My steps peter out.

I halt.

Sometimes your life has you stopping in front of one of these fish tanks with their rows upon rows of garish multi colored cans desperately vying for your fucked attention, its bright light spilling into the night—a lighthouse for the nocturnal—and your thoughts hang on the girls waiting on you.

There is something unreal about it all.

None of this should be happening, not Haruki, not Chie, not Katsumi femmeing it up for a bunch of dates. Least of all them waiting on me.

The world has a rotten order to it.

And this all seems to run counter to it, against the current.

I exhale the minutes in front of the glass panel of the vending machine, with no care how many they are.

I know sooner or later I have to return.

They're waiting.

I start and with a bag full of supplies I walk back.

Haruki is the one to let me in and past the kitchen I spy the other three girls sitting next to each other expectantly.

Katsumi is doning her fox ears again, no doubt courtesy of Chie.

Its all so normal, like nothing was ever wrong.

I join them.

This world, it takes, but for the first time, it feels like I managed to claw something back.

Something important.

Something real.