I got isekaied but not the way I wanted (wished to be a girl♀ but I’m a guy♂ again)

「Haruki」

Mayumi was shaking.

Above all the tears and grief of that day, that's what I remember the most. Somewhere a priest chanted. The room smelled of incense, so great that it burned the nose. A reminder of the fate that would befall our friend's remains after a night of vigil. Even the walls and the decorations of the place seemed to press in, while the lights above shone as blinding spotlights. All of it remains a haze. What returns to me, over and over, was how much she shook as I held her.

Not in grief, but in anger.

The halls of Chie's apartment building pass me by as I make my way blindly. There's too much to think about. Way too much.

Mayumi had tore herself from me, fleeing the hall. I'd been frozen, staring after her. Then a hand had touched my arm. My father's.

"Go, girl."

I followed. Through hallways decorated with flowers and the oppressive imagery of death, I followed her. When she burst through a set of doors, I was just close enough behind to catch the beginning of her screaming into the night air.

Before me is an elevator, the doors open invitingly. I blink unaware of how I got here. I step into it, pressing the button that will take me upwards.

Mayumi had become withdrawn after that. Sullen. Like she had collapsed in on herself and had become a shell of what she once was. She would go out wandering, and I followed her each time. Keeping watch, never leaving her alone. It didn't seem to help. She continued to wither until we were left with only a strange, cold stagnation. For a time it seemed like her soul had died. Her smiles became a thing of memory, and I was left with nothing but a feeling of powerlessness.

Then, one day, there was a change.

The elevator opens, and a long hallway stretches before me. I step off.

With more life in her eyes than I'd seen in months, Mayumi came to me with two Hunter's Marks. Saying that we could actually do something. I agreed on the spot. Because in that moment I would have accepted anything that pulled her out of that horrible state. For her I would do anything, for better or worse.

In the end, I followed her into this life because I would accept no other option.

The door stands before me, painted white as mourning garments, and all that holds me back now is the weight of years. So long I’ve looked after her, kept her safe. Because I was the only one able too. And still, I did not see her.

Memories flash by, ones I’ve scoured ten thousand times. Over and over, I followed her each time. When she fled the funeral in rage, when she wandered aimlessly, when she took up the bow… I went with her. Because how could I not? I love her. From the moment she kissed me I have been hers.

And I still failed her.

How could I not see?

Chie said she made great strides, and it’s easy to see now that I know of it. A story told in the most simple of ways: she's been smiling more.

It was a thing I had nearly forgotten. As teens she had always been a thing of laughter and smiles. Easy to fall in love with. But after the funeral it had all been replaced by grief and rage until all I could see was that. A girl screaming into the night, unable to raise a hand against the cruelty of the world. Then, she became a shell. All before she took up arms and decided to fight back.

Years. Years and years, and all I saw was her rage, her pain, and forgotten her smiles.

How can she ever forgive me?

I raise my hand, and rap my knuckles on the wood.

Tap tap tap.

Silence.

I count the seconds, waiting. The only sound the beating of my heart and the barely-controlled cadence of my breath. Questions rise and die in a horrific cycle. Is she here?—Of course she is. But does she want to talk?—Chie said she did. But do I even deserve…?—This is not about you.

The door opens, and my breath is stolen.

She stands before me. Wearing a simple combo of black tank-top and sweatpants, hair unbound and falling down her back like a waterfall of night. It hits me then, how soft she looks. Vulnerable. And it had been me who hurt her, ultimately. Sure, Katsumi may have hurt her too, but that had been Mayumi's own fault. It was me who dealt the serious blow.

What was I thinking?—I wasn't thinking.

"…said you were coming over."

I blink, catching the tail end of her sentence, and nod. Unable to do anything else, hands clasped behind my back.

Her dark eyes bore into mine, as if searching.

"Well," she says. "Come inside."

She turns, and once again, I follow.

I close the door behind me.

Chie’s flat is the same as ever. Everything as it always was. I weigh my options in the silence. The table? Too impersonal. The couch? Too casual. I settle for the carpet at Mayumi’s feet. The rug between the couch and the TV. Her expression flickers in surprise.

She remains standing.

Breath shudders into me, out. It's so hard to speak. I ran this convo over and over in my head but now my mind is blank, because what could I even say? It's all so inadequate. Nothing I could say would be enough.

I’m not enough. Perhaps I never was.

“I shouldn’t even be here.”

The words rasp out of me. Mayumi, above me as my own personal empress, narrows her eyes, frowning in confusion. How many years did I want nothing but the return of her smile?

“I've been thinking,” I continue. “Thinking over everything. You and me. And I know I should apologize, but… I don’t want to. Cause I don’t deserve your forgiveness.”

Her frown deepens, just as my eyes burn, making me raise my chin.

“I failed you,” I whisper. That burn descends to my chest, constricting my lungs. “I was supposed to keep you safe. I've always kept you safe. Ever since the funeral, where you went I followed.” My breath shudders. “But I hurt you. I knew we shouldn’t have ran that attack—I felt it—but I went with it anyway. And then…” I tremble. “You got hurt. You were injured, and what did it do?”

I shake my head. “I just hurt you more. All because… after all these years I had learned to only see your bad and forget the good. You shouldn’t forgive me. I failed you… and I am so very sorry.”

I shut my eyes, unable to look at her anymore. Maybe she’ll throw me out as she should and that will be that. It would be deserved. What benefit am I to her when I failed this greatly? If it wasn’t for Chie, then… oh, it would have been so much worse.

The silence stretches so long that I open my eyes again, wondering if Mayumi left. But to my surprise she’s kneeling in front of me now, sadness looking back at me.

“I haven’t been good to you, have I?” she says.

My lips part. “What?”

“I…” Her words get caught in her throat. After a long breath through her nose, told in the rise and fall of her shoulders, she says, “I haven’t been okay for a long time.”

I nod, studying her. For her, a woman of such pride, that must have been so hard to admit. She’s never admitted weakness, not even to me. Not really. I've had to draw it out of her, carefully.

She continues.

“Really, ya should have just…” She waves a hand, looking away. “Gave up on me.”

The thought is like having my heart ripped out.

“Never.”

She looks at me out of the corner of her eye. “You would've been happier.”

“No. Even leaving you in that alley was enough to destroy me.”

“Then why did you do it?”

I tighten my fists in my lap. “I thought that… if I stopped following you, you would be safe. That you wouldn’t be able to get into a fight you couldn’t win.”

Mayumi huffs, a half-dead chuckle.

“Chie told me that it was a bad idea,” I add.

“No shit,” she mutters.

“Yelled at me, actually.”

That makes her brows shoot to her hairline. “Did she now?”

“Yeah… front of the whole dōjō.”

She nods, pride in her expression. “Fuck yeah, go Chie.”

Against my mood, my lips rise a bit.

“I never regretted being with you, you know?” Mayumi blinks, lips parted. Against my better judgement, I take her hands. “I just wanted to help you. Make you happy again.” My gaze falls to our joined hands. “I just wasn’t enough.”

Some strange noise bursts out of her, almost comical. It pulls my eyes upward, catching her narrowed glare. Her strong, slender fingers squeeze my own. “You were always enough!”

“And yet you’ve smiled more around Chie and Katsumi in the past year than around me in the last five.” My voice comes out much more bitter than I intended. “Maybe Chie is better for you than me.”

I look away. Or try to. She stops me with a hand on my cheek.

“We really doin this heart-to-heart bullshit?” A sigh. “Fine. Haruki, you are the best damn thing that’s ever happened to me, and every day I’ve asked myself why you even bother with me. Cause without you I…” She falters. “Without you I… I’d be dead. There. The sad, fucking truth.”

I only sit, breathing in the shared air between us. Then, a huff of amusement escapes me, building into a small chuckle. “Chie was right…”

That makes her raise an eyebrow.

“We are the same,” I explain, grinning.

Mayumi rolls her eyes.

“That girl’s gonna be the death of us.”

“Eh, there’s worse ways to go, I’d bet.”

For the first time in what feels like forever, a smile cracks Mayumi’s lips, right before she laughs. It’s a small thing, but oh so beautiful. Like the twinkle of stars among the black of space. It sounds like hope.

How could I overlook such beauty?

I take her hands again, holding them close. “I’m glad I have you, darling. And… even though it was hard, I never resented you for not being okay. For needing me. You weren’t a… a burden. You were just too precious to leave behind. I would've carried you as far as I needed too.”

Her face twitches, as if warring between rolling her eyes at the sappiness, or smiling. She settles on a serious stare. “And you were always enough. You will always be enough.”

“Are you sure?”

There is no hesitation in her answer. “Yes.”

“But what about…” I trail off, unable to repeat what’s already been said. “You're different now. Happier. I didn’t even see, and I was the one person who was supposed to."

Mayumi is slow to answer, but when she does, its careful.

“I am happier. With our girls its like… what we had with… with…” Her eyelashes flutter, eyes going blank. I rub her arms like I always do when this happens. Only a second later she continues. “… maybe even better. It's like, after so long, we’re finally getting something back.”

She leans in, our breaths intermingling. “You're a part of that,” she says. “You always were. You're the reason I get to have it.”

“How could I have doubted you for a second?” I say, breathless. “My love, I’m so sor-“

Any sound is cut off by her lips capturing mine, and like that, I’m falling. Hopelessly, blindly falling. Everything fades, the world reduced to me and her. She pulls away far too soon, and the noise of protest that leaves my throat is embarrassing.

“I forgive you,” she whispers against my lips.

I have to swallow, holding onto her hands for dear life.

“I still don’t think you should.”

With a smirk, she falls against my shoulder, curling up in my lap like a cat. Its so comforting, so right. My arms go around her by instinct, pulling her close.

“Too bad.”

■ ■ ■

「Chie 」

For the first time since I got the place, I'm scared to go home. I drag my feet all the way to the doorway, wondering what the result of Haruki and Mayumi’s conversation was. Work was a hell, hours spent worrying and imagining every possible scenario while dealing with the most mundane of issues. No, I do not care about your printer, Mr. Whoever. The two women I love the most in the world are having a conversation that will decide the fate of my mental well-being for the rest of my life!!!

Ugh… I let out a heavy breath, pitching the bridge of my nose and sending my glasses up my forehead. I'm going insane. Certifiably fucking insane.

The door stands, as if taunting me with its hidden answers.

Fuck it.

Shoving the key in the lock, I throw it open.

“Oh, thank fuck…” I say under my breath.

Because there they are, curled up on the couch. Mayumi with her face buried in Haruki’s shirt, looking fast asleep. Every part of me tingles, like I'm standing under a cool rain. Relief, I think. Pretty sure.

Haruki raises her head, squinting. “Are you gonna come in, darling?”

Oh. Shit. Right.

I shut the door, kicking off my shoes and setting down my backpack. They're here—safe. Happy. Probably. Unhappy people don't cuddle in each other's arms. Well, they might but…

I shake myself and walk over, delivering Haruki a kiss upon her lips and Mayumi one upon the crown of her head. It makes her stir, twisting around to stare at me blearily.

"Hi nerd," she rasps, voice heavy with sleep.

"Hi," I say back.

Then… I just stare.

It's okay.

It's done.

"How was your day?" Haruki asks me.

I have to scramble for words in my daze.

"Fine."

Then, I tell her. From beginning to end, I go over all I did for the day, which admittedly wasn't much. She listens to me, eyes never leaving me. Sometime in the middle of it, Ueki stirred and hopped over, and I didn't even notice till she was in my lap.

As I scratch that one spot she likes, I'm struck by how… normal all this is, like it was always supposed to be this way. Me and Haruki and Mayumi, sitting together as I talk about my day.

"I want this," I say, interrupting myself.

Haruki raises an eyebrow.

"All three of us, here," I explain. "Living together. For real."

Haruki smiles at me, but from her chest comes Mayumi's muffled voice. "Beds a bit small for that, nerd."

I giggle. "We can get a bigger bed."

Mayumi groans.

"Might wanna hold off on that," Haruki says. "I uh, I'm not comfortable leaving my parents alone. So… I can't."

"Why?" I quip, "Cause your dad will burn the place down without you?"

A barking laugh breaks through the room, making Ueki startle. I pet her, giving Mayumi a chastising stare. She eyes the spirit sheepishly, saying, "My bad, girl."

"You'd still come over," I ask Haruki, "spend the night?"

"Course," she grins.

I smile back. I'm fine with being flexible, as long as she's with us.

"Ugh, what'd you all think Katsumi's up to?" Mayumi mumbles.

I share a shadowed look with Haruki and pull out my phone, swallowing my anxiety as I look her up on the network. When her profile comes up…

"No fucking way," I mumble, the phone nearly slipping from my fingers.

"What?" Haruki says, concerned.

I just hold out the phone, displaying the prominent B-Class assist-kill on her license.

"You gotta be fucking kidding me," Mayumi groans, head falling back against Haruki's chest.

I raise my brows at Haruki, asking without words. She nods. And to think, I just got home.

Shooting a text off to Hotaru I say, "I think its time to pay our miko a visit."