39. Lighterflame
「Mayumi」
Click.
Against the backdrop of falling rain, a flame flares to life, sputtering impotently against the deluge. Even so, it burns bright and hot and defiant, despite the futility.
Click.
Gone. With a flick of a hand it is erased, as if it never existed at all.
Click.
Another flick and again, it flickers to life. The fangs of it nipping hot and sharp, always hungry for more. A force of nature encased in the palm of a hand, indiscriminate and unmerciful. If it caught the slightest kindling, it would consume all without thought or care. Whether it be a simple piece of paper or the wooden construction of an entire city. All it touched would become ash.
Click.
Until it too died, becoming as cold and numb as… as her. Because that's what everything returns to at the end of it all, the cold, and the numb, and the quiet. Something bright and full of life, silenced forever.
Click.
It burns, everything burns, in the lungs, in the eyes.
Click.
Teeth grind together.
Click.
Hands shake.
Click.
Click.
Click.
A scream, raw and violent, erupts. It echoes. All around the anger is reflected. From the trees, the buildings. The whole world takes the rage thrown at it, and throws it right back, the sound impotent as the lighter's flame. It comes back mocking. A reminder that it can take and take and take.
A growl through clenched teeth is all that is returned.
Mother's voice repeats, just as mocking.
She thinks she can take, just as the world does. Setting herself above the rest, commanding those she sees as below her. A self-important sycophant with delusions that she too can become one of the few who take. Who thinks she can maneuver herself into a position of importance, yet she is just as dead as the rest of them. Ash in the urn.
Or better yet, a walking corpse.
What else could be so empty? So soulless? So useless. What else but an empty shell could use her only child as a bargaining chip to propel herself into the good graces of a family that wouldn't even spit on her otherwise?
Her simpering, haughty words come to mind again. So self-assured of her correctness. As if, out of all the options she had access to, the best one in all existence was to manipulate and harm a vulnerable girl. All before throwing her to the wolves. The family that abandoned her.
How… disgusting.
What was said only a few minutes ago is… murky. But it was a fight, a brutal one. One that—had there been anymore anger in it—would've left a trail of blood and gore. Never before had mother overstepped. Sure, she had made pathetic comments here and there. Oh, so-and-so's boy this, or Lord Fuckface's son that. The whining of a idiot who believed that a river should cease so they may cross. The desperate hopes of the desperately idiotic. Yet this had crossed a line—the only line. Like the very world itself, mother sought to take everything
Click.
Their faces are bright as the lighter-flame. The girls that deserve everything and more. The ones that need protection, because this world takes just as easily as fire does. If not more. From the moment one is born it is ceaseless in it's cruelty. Relentless. Seizing everything dear to you until you yourself are taken away to be burned.
Mother would take them all. First Haruki. Wonderful, brilliant Haruki. A woman so unapologetic herself and so good, that she would risk her life. With her, Chie would be lost too. That soft, yet brave girl. The girl who startles at a raised voice had faced a monster that was fear itself to save those she loves. Hotaru would be lost too. Her annoying platitudes and inflexible sense of justice, but also her teasing, happy smiles.
All three of them would be taken. So too would mother take Katsumi with her maneuverings. A political marriage where she has to play the man for high society? The bright, yet fierce girl that had just recently begun to come out from under her depressive rock would be killed for good. They would parade her still-breathing corpse around until this world took what little life she had left. They would speak of a fantasy at her funeral. A character built in their heads. Proudly displaying the puppet they had used and used and used, until it had finally broken. They might even cry. Tears for a broken doll. Not a person.
The flame, it burns… It burns my hand.
It's been going too long, the heat of it has made the metal of the lighter near scalding. I don't care. Because she would take me, too. Make me into a puppet like she would Katsumi. A thing to display, and to trade, and to use. My life made into a currency, or a tool. Just a thing to make her own life golden. That's all I am to her. All I'll ever be.
The realization only brings emptiness.
I wish I had it in me to cry.
Breath enters my lungs, humid and warm from the rain that pours around. This was a betrayal. The worst possible one. There will not be another. No one, not even my own mother, will take my girls from me.
But… our position is fragile. Katsumi has to contend with her family, and me mine. So much could go wrong—so many avenues of coercion. If we are to be untouchable, we must become self sufficient. Sure, Chie has her job and me mine, but all it would take is one threatening phone call to change that.
My eyes watch the dancing lighter-flame.
Other paths must be taken. Dangerous paths. But there will be no backing down. Not one more. Whether it be my girls or even myself, not one more.
"I thought you would be up here." Haruki speaks beside me, voice gentle. Who knows how such a big woman can move so quietly? The rain maybe. "You're soaked."
Doting disapproval is in her voice, and above it all, it makes my lips twitch. Smiling is beyond me, but its enough. Her hand closes over mine, extinguishing the lighter. The pain ebbs away under the rain.
Her hand remains, holding mine in hers.
"It's just water. We've faced worse."
She smiles so easily, always has.
"It's been a while since we've been up here," she says, gesturing across the rooftop to what should be a majestic view, the kind one purchases for the bragging rights alone. But it's hidden by the mist of today's rain. My parent's house is in the typical modern bullshit style, so the roof is flat and easy to get to. Me and her often climbed up here when I visited in the past. Funny. This'll be the last time.
"I prefer the old place," I mumble.
"Yeah, me too."
The home where I grew up was much more… alive. Back when father wasn't a corporate shill and mother actually had a soul. It was so warm back then with its coziness. Not cold like this place. Meant for impressing investors and society darlings, not living in.
"How is she?" I ask.
Silence is all I get. Answer enough, but I chance a glance, and all I need to know is right there on her face. A growl rumbles my chest.
"We're leaving."
I pull my hand from hers.
"To where?
"Don't know, don't care, but we are not staying here."
I slip down a conveniently sloped section of roof to to one of the house's balconies, feet hitting the wood. Haruki follows as I storm through the halls to my room, intent on leaving this place as fast as possible. I knock before I enter.
The image stops me in the doorway.
Katsumi sits on the edge of the bed, huddled in on herself. Chie and Hotaru are beside her, wearing worried looks. As soon as Katsumi's eyes rise, she leaps to her feet, holding herself before me in… shame.
"Mayumi," she says, barely audible, "I… I'm sor-"
Rage is white hot in my blood. The distance between us is closed in a blink, nearly knocking her over from the force of it. My arms go around her, holding her tight and speaking without words. This happened on my watch, by my mother. There is nothing she has to apologize for. The idea that she feels she needs to is so fucking ridiculous I want to scream again. I'm at fault, not her.
She's stiff at first, but she relaxes. Only a second though, because she pushes against my shoulders, saying, "Ugh! You're drenched!"
I release her, looking down at my dripping nightclothes with a grin.
"Shit… you're right…"
Katsumi also looks down at herself. The cute pajamas my mother foolishly got for me one year have a wet imprint of me on the front. Of all things, it makes me laugh. I get a confused frown in response.
"It's all good," I say, "We gotta change anyway. We're getting the fuck outa here." A bunch of questions get shouted at me at once, and Katsumi's already guilty expression somehow becomes even more guilty. I nip that shit quick. "We're going home, because if I see my mother again I'm ripping her face off."
I leave it at that, collecting some dry clothes and heading for the bathroom.
"Mayumi."
My name stops me in the door. The girls are already outside, waiting for me further down the road. Only I remain, anticipating her attempt to get the last word—to twist her blade a little deeper. Too bad for her that Katsumi isn't in sight; mother will not go near her again.
I don't even look at her to reply.
"I think we've said all we need to, ya think?"
The silence stretches, so long I wonder if she left, but before my feet move again, she speaks.
"You are my daughter and it is my role to give you the best life I can. No matter how many childish games you play, I will not abandon you."
I finally turn then. She stands there in the open foyer of this sterile house, wearing an expression to match the bland walls. I see what I already know her to be.
I don't even sneer. She will get nothing from me anymore.
"You already have."
────୨ৎ────
Outside the window, the sight of the countryside rolls past. Simple farms surrounded by high mountains wreathed in broken rainclouds, dark against the hot sun that shines through with spears of dazzling rays. Its a beautiful day, one of many lately, but the mood inside the train is subdued.
Mother's words have stayed long after they've been spoken, typical for her. She's always spoken with the cruel precision of a surgeon making an incision, believing that to help she needs to harm—just a little. This time they overstay their welcome as expected. Not because there is any inherent truth in them, but because with her parting words, I know she won't stop. She'll never accept the simple reality of the world. Instead she will claw tooth and nail for her own childish fantasy. One where she is a queen lording over her subjects, her own daughter the very picture of obedience. A doll for her to play with.
The image makes me sick.
She'll never stop trying to take the only good thing I've been able to keep safe from this world. She will never stop trying to hurt them.
The conversation around is as subdued as the mood. Katsumi insisted that she's fine. More worried that she somehowbetrayed me than what my mother said to her. Ridiculous. I know the look of someone hiding from themself, she isn't as slick as she thinks she is.
Hotaru and Chie have attempted to goad her into conversation, while Haruki remained notably silent as I leaned into her.
"When we get home, you can come over to my place and we can get ice cream and watch dumb movies," Chie is saying.
"While wearing something comfy!" Hotaru adds.
"And you can play with Ueki!" Chie says.
"I'd like that. I just… want to be home right now."
Katsumi smiles but it doesn't reach her eyes, which wander to me again. Not the first glance filled with worry. The others have done the same for the entire ride. Treating me as if I have something contagious. Or like I'm fragile.
"What is it?" I say. No anger is in my voice though, only exhaustion. "All of you have been giving me weird looks the whole ride. Out with it."
They all share tentative glances. With a groan I add, "I'm not going to bite your heads off. Promise."
Its Haruki who squeezes me with the arm draped over my shoulders.
"Well… are you okay, darling? We uh, heard everything."
I give Katsumi a pointed look. "No, I'm not." See how easy it is? "But I barely remember it anyway."
Across the aisle, Hotaru frowns at me. I frown right back. What more does she want? For me to break down and sob because my mother is a snake who never loved me? Why waste the tears or the energy when it's better spent elsewhere on people who actually matter? The people right here.
"Has she always been like that?" Chie asks, arms wrapped around herself as she leans into Haruki's other side. "That was horrible."
I don't answer. I've wasted enough breath on that woman already. In the ensuing silence Haruki speaks for me.
"No, when we were kids I remember her being very nice. Really she's never acted that way before. At least when I was around…" She looks down at me with a silent question, I shake my head. "But anyway, she was warmer back then. It wasn't until after… that she…"
She trails off, the unspoken oh so loud. ▒▒▒ had been taken, and her mother—my mother's best friend—had withdrawn from the world. Without her normalizing influences my mother begun to surround herself with sycophants and society wives. Only getting worse when father became an executive at the company he worked for. That's what they never say about tragedy, it never stops. The dominoes keep falling long after the first body has burned away. Once it gets its hooks in, this world never stops taking.
────୨ৎ────
"She really throws her ex into a volcano?" Katsumi asks, disbelief in her tone.
"A space volcano!" Chie corrects.
My eye roll is hidden in the bulk of Haruki's frame. Chie put on her favorite movie yet again with the excuse that everyone else hadn't seen it. A lie. Haruki watched it when we were kids and even then thought it a bit juvenile, but of course she lied and pretends to like it.
"There's a difference?" Katsumi says sarcastically. She has no such inclination, a bit of the haughty princess within her shining through her skeptical expression.
"Yeah!" Chie continues on, oblivious to Katsumi's expression since she's on the floor. "The outer planets have cryovolcanoes with freezing lava. So it could be one of those."
"Hmm… bit ridiculous." Katsumi mutters above us.
The floor of the flat has been turned into a nest of futons, blankets, and pillows. It's been a while since we've all been free to do something as simple as a sleepover. Chie managed to persuade Katsumi into joining us in the living room by offering her the couch, while the rest of us take the floor as usual. Though the promise of cuddling the spirit is what likely changed her mind, and got her here at all.
The two of them had been nearly inseparable since we arrived. Ueki took a liking to her for some reason, immediately ceasing her, now-usual routine of pretending to be a normal lamp and hopping over as soon as our miko stepped through the doorway.
Probably has something to do with her supposed affinity with spirits. Spirits who…
The thought is shoved away. Unhelpful.
Even now the spirit is sitting in her lap, making those bird noises she likes to do while watching the screen with that one bright eye. Every time she wiggles in some motion of excitement, Katsumi smiles down at her.
Its good to see her smiling again. Mother's words didn't leave scars, only wounds; she'll heal.
She's been holding back, too afraid to claim what's hers by right, but she's close. That girl with us at the festival would've been unrecognizable to the Katsumi I met outside her konbini a few months ago. She's different.
Maybe I'm different too.
This place is my home now—or will be, after my lease ends—and these girls are my family. A real family. Not something held together by decayed expectations and enforced proximity by virtue of two people having fucked once, but a real family. I'd die for any of these girls, and they would do so for me.
No matter what, I will not lose this.
────୨ৎ────
In the end, the decision is easy. I walk in one night like I've done countless times before to find those reflectionless eyes staring back at me as if I never left. Only when I approach and stand before her, do those eyes narrow with an almost imperceptible glow. Pleasantries are exchanged, a drink dispensed—a familiar ritual—only she takes me by surprise.
"There's something different about you tonight," Ikushima says, looking me up and down with excruciating slowness.
With a raised brow I say, "Is there now? What changed?"
Her expression is contemplative and examining in a wholly new way. I retaliate with a scowl.
"Your eyes."
Another brow joins the first.
"The first time you came in here, all those years ago, I almost took you for one of my siblings. A starved wolf." She pauses. "It was your eyes. If not for the reflection in them I'd have killed you where you stood, thinking you a challenger for my territory."
I down the nondescript drink in one gulp, it burns on the way down, offering resolve for what needs to be done. The glass returns to the counter with a clack.
"Your point?"
The silence stretches.
"There is no starvation in those eyes now. Though I still see the wolf."
My scoff is loud.
"Are we speaking in riddles now?"
Another pause before she answers.
"Why are you here, girl?"
I take a breath, it shakes on the way out, even as my nails dig into my palms.
"I need to talk to your sister."