PSL
I started a fifteen minute timer on my phone and rested my head on the table, but Carolyn tugged with growing insistence.
“I want treeeats~” she whined in a not so subtle mockery of me.
“Moo.”
“I’ll get you ice cream.” She pulled at my arm now and I begrudgingly turned to straddle the bench.
I didn’t want ice cream, and unfortunately she had just ensured that I couldn’t say so. Still, I wasn’t surprised that some sort of walk would be part of the ‘punishment’ Carolyn had in mind. I made no effort to seem enthused as I stood and fidgeted with my collar.
My vision had already adjusted to the relative dark of the tent, so I blinked and shaded my eyes as she led the way out of the tent— not even pausing for a second before heading straight down the crowded market street.
I hadn’t quite expected people to point, stare, or even act all that affronted, but I was certain there would be at least some reaction. The reality was that our situation was far less notable than I’d expected.
I focused back in on Carolyn as she pointed with the hand holding the leash, gesturing to ‘Ye Olde Coffee bar’. I shrugged and nodded as she joined the small line to the counter. Rustic improvised bollards held up a ribbon to separate off the line from the thoroughfare, and I picked up one of the small laminated menus as we joined the line.
”So what are you getting?” Carolyn let me slip under her arm and I held up the menu so that she could read it.
”Moo…” spoke as quietly as I could manage as I tapped the pumpkin spice latte, but Carolyn pretended she hadn’t heard anything.
”The strawberry refresher looks nice, oh, but those all use energy drinks for the base don’t they? You’d probably vibrate off this plane. Hmm…”
I figured I could either point for the barista as well, or just be satisfied with whatever Carolyn did or didn’t order from me. I handed her the menu and fidgeted with the slack of the leash as I looked around again.
“What about you two?” Carolyn spoke a little louder. “Do you know what’s good here?”
My heart spasmed as I recognized the people ahead of us. Mary and Addie both turned to look, registering their own surprise. Mary had a plague doctor mask hanging from her belt, and seemed to be swallowed by the heavy black coat she was wearing, but she’d had the foresight to wear shorts and a tank top under so I figured she wasn’t going to get too overheated. Addie, in contrast, had aligned herself more with Ellen’s ideology, simply throwing a soft green cape over a tan button down and some brown shorts. I recognized the little gilded leaf broach on the cape though, and that was enough to tell me what her outfit was referencing, even if I didn't see a ring on a chain.
”Carolyn! Maddie!” Mary gushed. “I didn’t expect to run into you so early on!”
”I’m sure we would have run into each other at the VIP tent eventually, but you continue to be pretty easy to pick out of a crowd.” Carolyn raised her eyes to Mary’s bright red hair.
”Ha, yeah, I’d say the same for you but you did manage to sneak up on us.” Mary bent her menu back and forth, causing the plastic to make a little pop noise as she fidgeted. “Oh! But to answer your question, I tried their affogato last time I was here but I wasn’t really wowed. I’m probably just going to get an iced coffee. Bless their hearts, but that little espresso machine is not cut out for this.”
”Fair enough,” Carolyn nodded. “And sorry, I don’t think we’ve met, Addison, right?” She turned toward Addie.
”Hi, yeah that’s me. I’ve heard a bit about you.”
”Do I live up to expectations?” Carolyn held out her arms and I rolled my eyes as Addie chuckled.
”You are definitely a dragon.” Her eyes wandered to the leash and to me. “Taking your pet for a walk?”
Well there went my hopes of having an ally in this situation.
”Precisely. Say hello Maddie~”
”Moo…”
”Close enough,” Carolyn shrugged. “Is that a Frodo outfit? Should I worry about being slain or having my treasures plundered?”
Addie chuckled. “No, that’s all Bilbo. I’m just on a harrowing journey to destroy the ultimate evil.”
”Speaking of, I do like shiny things. Can I take a look at your ring?”
Addison narrowed her eyes. “I think I’ll spare us all your ‘my precious’ monologue or an impromptu chase through the courtyard.”
”Damn. She’s good.” She addressed this to Mary.
”The best. I’d say you can’t have her, but I’m open to making arrangements to share.” This earned Mary a light slap on the arm, but she didn’t seem remorseful.
“Looks like it's your turn to order.” Carolyn nodded to the counter.
”You can go ahead of us, I still haven’t decided.” Addie gestured while Mary rolled her eyes, she was smiling though, so I could tell there wasn’t anything truly frustrated in the expression.
Luckily there was a menu on the counter too, so I did a quick scan to locate the pumpkin spice latte. I could only hope I wouldn’t offend Mary by going against her recommendation.
”What can I get started for you, my honored guests?” The Barista leaned an arm on the bar next to the extremely anachronistic point of sale machine.
”I think I’ll just do a coffee with milk, and do you have puppy cups?” Carolyn drummed her fingers on my shoulder and my irritated growl came out as a very moody ‘moo’.
”I’m afraid not~” the barista glanced at me and peered a little closer at the menu I was pointing at. “Though I hear the pumpkin spice latte is popular— or at least your pet seems interested in them.”
I tapped the menu to draw Carolyn’s attention but she just sighed. “I suppose so. Throw in a sweet roll too for good measure.”
“Sure thing!” The tablet made a sword scraping sound as she confirmed the order and there was the sound of a rain of coins into a bag as Carolyn tapped her card.
”Cute.” Carolyn muttered. She tugged out a bill after putting her card away and stuffed it into one of the jars by the register.
”We’ll holler when it’s ready.”
”I don’t believe I gave my name,” Carolyn half turned as Mary approached the counter.
”You’ll know when they’re calling for you,,” Mary assured her. “They indulge in a little bit of teasing, but I’m sure they will refer to you in a way befitting your stature.”
The barista who had been working in the back area brought a small cup to the counter and banged the bell. Before belting out “Double espresso for the Big F’n Giant!”
Sure enough, a taller man with a green shirt collected his cup. He only seemed mildly aggrieved by the ‘giant’ bit.
Carolyn seemed positively maniacal with glee. “Oh, I’m looking forward to this.”
I definitely wasn’t.
I folded my arms over the leash as we stood near the pickup counter and soon Mary and Addie joined us to wait as well.
The timer on my phone said that this wasn’t even halfway over so I gave up hope of being off the leash before the drinks were ready.
“What are you looking forward to doing here?” Carolyn made conversation with Mary and Addie.
“Well…” Mary swayed in place for a moment. “The joust and whip shows never get old, but my grand plan for this go around was to try all the booze.”
“Please don’t…” Addie rubbed her eyes. “Thats way too much alcohol.”
“Not if we share every cup, you want in on this action?” Mary pointed to me and Carolyn in turn “The more people, the less likely anyone is to get wasted.”
I shook my head and did my best to telepathically tell Carolyn to say no as well.
“I… should pass, sorry.” Carolyn looked sheepish at surface level, but I could see pretty plainly that she had no true qualms about turning Mary down.
“Fine~ fine~.” Mary rolled her eyes, “I guess I'll go yet another ren faire without getting white-girl schwasted.”
“Please never say that again.” Addie mumbled under her breath.
I nearly jumped out of my skin as the bell next to the counter rang out again, and I braced myself for the worst as the barista took a deep breath.
And then she just spoke at normal volume. “Coffee, a PSL, and sweet roll.”
“Huh…” Carolyn mused as she collected the drinks. “Kinda underwhelming.”
“Did you want the sweet roll heated up?” The barista had her hands on her hips.
“No! No, no. I mean, actually that sounds lovely but I just meant—… it’s nothing, thanks so much.”
I smirked as Carolyn stumbled over her words. It was weird to see her act less— I don't know… entitled? It’s not like she liked to bully service workers but she really liked being served. I could tell she’d gotten her hopes up for some sort of grand call-out.
“I’ll pop it in the furnace for a sec. One moment.” She reached below the counter and the tell-tale hum of a microwave kicked in as she picked up the next empty cup in the queue.
I held my cup by its edges as I took a sip, while Carolyn stewed in her discontent. A few seconds later the microwave dinged and the sweet roll was offered up once again.
“I thought you did the whole screaming insults thing for everyone.” Carolyn balanced the little pastry bag on top of her coffee cup as she reached for a packet of sugar.
“Oh, we do, but you asked us not to.”
“I did?”
The barista tapped the top of the tip jar Carolyn had used. It said “extortion” across the top with the little subscript “buy my silence $”
Next to it was a jar that had the same ‘extortion’ top line but the subscript said “Volume +++.”
“Well. That’ll teach me to read.”
“Happens to the best of us.” The barista shrugged and then accepted another cup from her coworker.
“Iced coffee for the plague bitch!” She hollered before smacking the bell, and then dropped her tone to normal speaking levels. “And here’s your pumpkin spice latte, dear. Enjoy.”
“Thanks.” Addie took a sip, completely indifferent to Mary’s exaggerated chagrin.
“That’s your fault, you know.” Mary pointed at Addie's cup as she spoke to me. “If it hadn’t been for your inspiration she might have gotten something sophisticated.”
“Moo…”
I meant to sass her right back, asking how she figured an iced coffee was high class, but all that made it through the leash was the unamused tone.
Mary’s eyebrows rose as she seemed momentarily taken aback, but she shrugged. “Alright then, you sure told me.” She turned to Carolyn, “do you have a translation?”
“Nah, I figured it defeats the point of the curse.”
“Curse‽” Mary and Addie spoke with slightly different levels of alarm. I wasn’t sure how I’d even communicate my position on the matter so I just sipped my latte while I waited for Carolyn to elaborate.
“It’s the leash, Mazer charmed it so that when she wears it she can’t talk.”
“And she consented?”
I unclipped and reclipped the leash, taking care not to say anything lest I incur Carolyn’s wrath.
“In a manner of speaking.” She nodded toward me. “I insist on her always holding her own keys. It reminds her that she’s making a choice since she can be a little passive at times.”
I sighed and checked my phone. Still a couple minutes left of this nonsense and evidently I was choosing to endure.
“As long as she’s okay…” Mary spoke slowly. “This is probably the next best place for it after pride, so have fun~” she patted me on the top of my head and I indulged in yet another eye roll.
Once I was sure that there was enough slack in the leash, I took another sip of my latte. I hadn’t had a way to request mine be iced like Mary and Addie had, so it seemed the barista had defaulted to hot. I guessed it would at least help me take it slow lest I completely overheat.
“Well, what’s next for you two?” Mary glanced behind her before taking a couple steps back into the thoroughfare, opening up space in the pickup area.
“Mmm probably just going to browse a bit. I don't think we’re in a hurry to get to any shows so I was going to see what sort of shiny bobbles are available.”
“What’s your price range?”
“Price range?” Carolyn scoffed. “My only demand is quality and I won't shy away from a price-tag to get it.”
“Well~” Mary lowered her voice conspiratorially, “Addie always talks Cyrus and me down from the blade master booth down the road, but I bet you’ll have better luck.”
“They sell blades here?”
“Mhmm! Hand forged. Gorgeous work but absolutely priced to match. They share a tent with a wood worker who makes wooden swords, and those can be peace tied on purchase. The true blades have to be collected from outside the fairground.”
“Seems you’ve really looked into it.”
“It’s all part of the sales pitch.” Mary shrugged.
“We’ll have to check it out then. Is there any jewelry worth investigating?”
“Ah… well, not to take a dump on it but it’s… rustic. The two nicest places are a literal jewelry store and a wire wrapping artisan— and there’s the chainmaille folks, but a lot of the tents are full of 3d printed… stuff. You know the floppy dragons, fidget toys and figurines.”
I grimaced. It bugged the hell out of me when people mass produced glorified happy meal toys. Like, sure. The technology had evolved a little past its rapid prototyping roots, but I didn't have much faith that the average users were somehow doing their little multicolor prints without purging an insane amount of waste filament.
“I’ll probably just put my pet to work on that if any 3D printed toys catch my eye.” Carolyn nudged me.
“Oh? Do you do 3d modeling?” Mary looked at me now.
I shrugged and nodded.
“It’s a pity you didn’t stick around to meet the vampires. They would have loved to talk shop.”
I tilted my head to the side but I didn’t really have a good way to express my confusion.
“The Halloween party.” Addie clarified. “Carmen and Mia were there. We joke, but Carmen is the only vampire we know. Mia just happens to act the part.”
I shrugged. I figured I’d either meet them eventually or I wouldn't.
“Pity.” Carolyn muttered. “Yeah, and sorry again about that whole thing, we really thought we were ready to host better.”
“Sorry?” Mary seemed confused. “It was a blast! I mean, Addie bringing back some drinks and snacks was a huge plus but all the producers were super chill, especially Xander. She kicked ass in the tournament. Addie told me that you and Deyha had some stuff come up, that’s life, no big deal.”
I squinted at Carolyn. I was a little surprised she would admit some shortcoming in the first place, but I was curious to see how much she would divulge.
Carolyn stole a glance at me and then sighed heavily. “Did your father fill you in on what happened?”
“No? Should he have?”
“I don’t know, I guess I appreciate that he didn’t.” Carolyn took a deep breath and after stealing yet another glance at me she continued, “That wasn’t really an accident. I had a pretty preventable fuck-up from some ill advised decisions and your dad ended up being a real help in the damage control.”
“Is that why his whole polycule is planning to move to the farm?”
“No— wait, they are? I… that’s great, but no. Not really. You’re familiar with how certain crystals can be used to store mana?”
Mary nodded slowly, and I saw her brow furrow.
“Mazer lent me a few to use in compensating him for prior services and I failed to realize how… irreplaceable they are.”
“Yikes.” Mary muttered. “Did you break one?”
I couldn’t help but chuckle. I was still amazed that Carolyn was even willingly bringing this up, but perhaps it was a sort of penance for her.
My phone began to buzz and play its alarm tone, cheerfully serenading us with the prelude from an old JRPG I’d obsessed over in high school. I unclipped the leash first before cutting off the timer.
“She implanted my crystals into her bones.”
I enjoyed the way Mary’s eyes widened in shock. And it took me a moment to realize that this could be construed as making fun at Carolyn’s excuse, but she only sighed as she bundled up the leash.
“Yeah, you might as well explain.” She muttered.
“I mean, that’s the whole story.” I shrugged. “She didn’t realize that the crystals were so closely linked to me.”
“Yikes.” Mary breathed out, “Oh… oh that’s why…” understanding dawned in her expression. “I thought I was imagining it but you totally have a mana signature now. It’s… shaped weird though.” She squinted at Carolyn and then me as though trying to read some small text. “That’s why you already had a mana signature too. Your crystals…”
“Yeah… that’s kinda why I noped out of the party.” I shrugged. “It was a lot.”
“And you just… came around? It’s okay now?”
A laughed out loud now, startling both Mary and Addie. “Do I look like I have any problem with being her property?”
It was Mary’s turn to roll her eyes as I gestured at the bell on my collar.
“But, all seriousness aside, it’s fine. It’s not that different from handing Carolyn control of my whole genemap.”
“Uhhh? It's very different?” Mary seemed concerned all over again.
“Not, as different.” Carolyn interjected, “Mazer locked the connection down for me, for Maddie really. She’s safe.”
“Ah… yeah, I suppose he would.” Mary shrugged. “Well, welcome to the league of ordinary casters. You’ve already met our law enforcement.”
“Mazer?”
Mary shrugged. “You aren't likely to hear from any higher authorities on this plane.”
“There have to be others though, right?”
“Really?” Mary took a long drink of her coffee. “Well, for all our sakes, I hope you don’t end up meeting any of his equals— though I suppose he does consider you a peer to some extent.”
“He does?” Carolyn was suddenly earnest.
“Well that’s gone straight to your head.” Mary grimaced. “I will say though, It's not as prestigious of an honor as you might think. Or rather, not very exclusive. He keeps in touch with my older siblings as well, and many of our sprawling family have gone on to do things a bit more impressive than… accounting.”
“I think your accounting work is very impressive.” Addie pulled Mary into a side hug and she rolled her eyes. “Yeah, yeah. Anyways, part of his ethos is that humans are not beneath him. It's important to him to feel among humanity, rather than above it as so many are keen to place him.”
"Well… I'll endeavor to check my ego in that respect." Carolyn fidgeted with her cup of coffee, and it occurred to me that this was not only her first time meeting Addie, but also her first time seeing Mary and me in the same place. However, whatever joking I might be tempted toward would likely earn me more leash time, embarrass Addie, or worse, both.
"Well, should we grab Deyha and peruse the sharp and pointies?"
"You put it so eloquently." Carolyn muttered before raising her voice to a normal volume. "Yeah, that's a good start I think. I'm sure we'll run into you at the joust." Carolyn nodded to Mary and Addie.
"Sure, sure. Preferably without the lance." Mary smirked.
Addie and I laughed, but Carolyn restrained herself to a small smile. She nodded to them once again before leading the way back to the VIP tent.
"See? I can behave!" I took Carolyn's hand once we were out of earshot. "I was a sparkling socialite!"
Carolyn chuckled and shook her head. "Yes, I suppose you were. I'm glad you were able to vent your drama with Mary in advance."
"I wonder if Addie had to do the same."
Carolyn tugged my hand as she shrugged before taking a drink of her coffee. "I hope not, but as much as I tend to covet, I don't spend much time in jealousy."
"You weren't jealous of Ellen when you met her?"
Carolyn openly scoffed at this. "If that is what passes for jealousy for you, then I'm not sure what to tell you."
"I mean, you did kinda go nuts on me after I sent her nudes."
"Careful~" Carolyn sang. "You seem to be slipping into some bad habits."
I rolled my eyes and leaned my head into the VIP tent. Deyha and Ellen were nowhere to be seen, but I had to hope that Deyha at least would be easy to pick out of a crowd. "Damn. I guess I shouldn't have expected them to just wait here and do nothing."
"I feel like there were pretty even odds for Deyha, but yeah. Ellen seems like the sort to plan out a route to maximize the day."
"But we didn't pass them on our way back, did we?"
Carolyn tapped a laminated map that was stapled to one of the tables. "There's only a couple directions they could set off in, but I have a simpler plan." She took her phone out of her pocket and lifted it to her ear. Already I could hear the ring.
"Wait, how did you dial her that fast?"
Carolyn arched a brow and smirked. "And here I thought you were tech savvy enough to understand speed dial— Hey Dee, Maddie and I just got back to the VIP tent. Where can we find you?"
She leaned toward the map and traced her finger down one of the paths. "Perfect, see you soon."
The phone was back in her pocket in an instant and she smirked at me. "See? Easy. You should try it some time."
"Yeah, yeah. I've learned to stay in touch better, but I can't be blamed for bad cell reception."
Carolyn rolled her eyes and gently held the back of my neck to pull me close and kiss the top of my head.
I felt a flash of heat as the weather and coffee conspired to launch me toward instantly overheating. I gasped against Carolyn's neck as she trailed her hand down my back, causing me to almost forget my coffee and I grabbed a handful of her cloak on instinct.
"Oh my~" Carolyn murmured conspiratorially. "I wasn't even trying to press any buttons."
"Yeah, yeah. Its so effortless." I grumbled and eased myself out of her embrace. It was too damn hot in here for this.
"If I were truly cruel, I'd click the leash back on for that—"
I glared up at her.
"But since you don't seem to be intentionally requesting more pet-time I'll spend a bit of my limited patience to tolerate your… insolence." She tossed her empty coffee cup to the trash can in the corner of the tent.
I rolled my eyes at this, but I elected to moderate my reply into something approximating contrition. "Thou art as merciful as thou art kind."
Carolyn clicked her tongue. "Were it not the truth, I'd suspect that was sarcasm. In any case, come along, pet. I'll lead the way."
"You can't just tell me to cum." I blurted before I could think to stop myself, but Carolyn didn't break stride as she led me out of the tent.
"And who says? I'd argue that I absolutely have the right to ask that of you." She dropped my hand and slid her fingers along the small of my back, and in an instant the overheating sensation from before was back with one subtle difference. My breath came out in a gasp as a pleasant sort of weak sensation radiated from my lower back. Even as I began to feel unsteady she pulled me tight against her, lifting my drink out of my hand as instinct demanded I hold on for dear life. My head lolled against her chest as I panted and I broke under the pleasure, losing whatever train of thought I might have had. The sensation shifted, popping like a soap bubble as gentle pins, needles, and tingles flashed over my skin. I cooled down quickly, almost as though I'd just vented a bunch of steam.
"See?" Carolyn held me until I could balance on my own, "That wasn't so bad, was it?"
It wasn't bad. It felt exactly like the ecstasy I felt whenever someone brushed my hair or petted my back, perhaps with a little less control on my part with the whole breathing and balancing bits. I wanted to tell her that I wouldn't consider that orgasming, but I was more than a little concerned she might take that as a challenge to bring me to screams on the spot.
Carolyn took a drink of my coffee now and exaggerated a grimace before handing back the cup.
“Is it seriously that bad?”
“The fragile facade of my reputation demands I call it positively repugnant… but no. It's fine. Certainly not the medium I prefer to get my stimulants, but not an altogether unpleasant experience.”
“That's a roundabout way of saying it's okay.” I let her take my free hand in hers as she led the way down the road.
“Mmhmm.” Carolyn hummed as she guided me into the thin crowd of faire-goers.
Unlike the convention, nobody was stopping me to ask about my ‘costume’ or ask for a photo. Sure, there were some stares, and a little bit of gawking, but frankly that could just as easily be aimed at Carolyn.
She didn’t mind the attention whatsoever, but despite a full year of hooves I hadn’t developed that same ambivalence.
“How do you do it?” I asked her.
“Do what? Drink coffee without sugar? It's an acquired taste I suppose.”
“No— I mean, how do you keep so calm under so much scrutiny and attention?”
“Practice?” Carolyn shrugged.
“I feel like everyone but me has the hang of that. You, Ellen, Deyha, Xander… you all have such thick skin. You all seem just, I don’t know… fine? With being perceived? And even after all this time I feel like I only go anywhere because I’m doing my best not to dig my heels in as I’m dragged forward.”
“Interesting visual…” Carolyn slowed her pace slightly as she cast her gaze around the fair. “See, the thing is, I think there might be some survivorship bias. All the people you know with mods are able to exist, to your eye, pretty normally and confidently in public. You probably also think that all the other trans girls you know are wicked smart and competent, like Ellen.”
“Ill tell her you said that.”
“Irrelevant. My point is, it's okay if you are a little less of a wild weed than the rest of us. Sorry to jump metaphors, but all of us— including you, are survivors of our own lives. Sometimes I think the world has this inherent cruelty that crushes everything that is different or stands out. The rough edges of rocks get worn down, the colorful flowers are picked, and… I don't know, I can't think of any other poetic examples right now. The point is the farm is not nature. It's insular. And you aren’t quite the same as Deyha, Ellen, Xander, or myself in terms of mods.”
Carolyn took a deep breath and paused in the shade of a tree by the thoroughfare. “Deyha lives despite her mods. She perservered through sheer fucking will. I set the entire trajectory of my life to gain the skills to mold my body, and even Ellen was fighting tooth and nail before she arrived on the farm.”
“But what? I’m a failure?”
Carolyn’s gaze hardened and for a moment I wondered if she was going to rebuke my outburst or worse silence me with the leash, but she held my shoulders instead.
“You landed here by grace. Luck. Chance. Take your pick of the word, but the fact is, Deyha and I found you at the end of your rope. You were desperate for a job, and somehow the stars aligned to land you at our booth. You told us from the beginning that you’d slipped through the cracks. You hadn’t started hormones, you weren’t on a waitlist for gene modding, you were just getting backed further and further into the corner.”
I folded my arms. Something fragile and emotional inside was screaming and starting the waterworks, but I was just angry enough to stare resolutely past Carolyn into the crowd.
“And that’s okay.” Carolyn continued. “I don't believe in a cruel world where only the strongest survive. You are capable. You are competent, but you are also so incredibly complacent that I know for a fact you never would have done gene modding if I hadn’t made it insanely convenient for you. I honestly have my doubts about whether you’d get around to even the gender affirming care but your entire outward persona?” She gestured down with her hands. “You were never going to walk this bombshell out of the closet. You have grown so much in safety and security that it's no surprise a little bit of the real gritty world scares the shit out of you. You’re thriving in captivity.”
“And what am I supposed to do about that?” I refused to make eye contact.
“Fight.” Carolyn squeezed my shoulders. “Thrive… I’m here, Deyha’s here. You have a safety net. I know that it feels like we’ve stripped away all your armor, but it was smothering you more than it was protecting you. Now it's time to pivot. You have to internalize that you aren’t one deep cut from death anymore.”
“Now say something nice…” I clenched my jaw. My breath shuddered and tears were falling, but I forced myself to take a deeper breath and unclench my fists. I still didn't know how to keep from fighting the breakdown. I felt like it was taking extra effort to let a little bit slip through just to keep from exploding, but I couldn’t imagine just relaxing and floating in the sensations rather than kicking and flailing like a drowning swimmer.
I could tell Carolyn was still scrutinizing my face, and I wasn't sure what I’d even say if she asked me to clarify. Right now though she was giving words to some of the most vicious notions I’d pointed toward myself. I hated that she was right, and in some fucked up illusion of fairness I figured that is she was going to say my mean things about me for me, then she might as well say the nice things for me as well.
“You’re doing great.” Carolyn spoke slowly as though unsure how to answer. “I mean, not too long ago I’m certain this conversation would have driven you to blows.”
“I haven’t ruled out violence.” I shot her a glare for a second before continuing to stare resolutely past her.
“Honestly? That’s kinda cool. You have every right to be pissed at my timing, my phrasing… all of it.”
“Sounds like a fucking test.”
“Then what would passing look like to you?”
I hated how cool and calm she was. I hated how much I wanted to punch her. I hated how all of this tension was sitting in my gut demanding that I let it out, and most of all I hated that she held all the cards. Fuck this.
“I need to go.”
I turned to head back to the VIP tent but Carolyn caught my wrist. My efforts to shake her off amounted to nothing but as quickly as my rage began to boil over I felt something cut through the tension.
Her hand seemed to buzz against my wrist and there was a pain almost like a rug burn as her grip tightened. For a moment I even wondered if this was her idea of a punishment for my outburst, but a strange sense of clarity was settling over me. Blind rage slipped from my grasp, replaced with exhaustion and a freakish return to normality.
I stopped fighting her grasp and let her do her thing. The stinging sharpened, and then when she finally released my wrist there was a burning sensation as my skin protested whatever that was.
Breathing was easier, but the waterworks continued, spilling from my eyes in a steady drip that was already making my nose and brow ache. At least my sinuses were feeling a little clearer and there was no involuntary tensing scrunching my face up.
“What was that?”
Carolyn massaged the bones of her palm for a moment. “Might as well call it manipulation. I don’t really have a better explanation.”
“You manipulated me? With magic?”
Carolyn nodded. “And I’d be lying if I said it was for your benefit.”
“Why?”
“Faster. Easier.” Carolyn shrugged. “I would have liked to test it under happier circumstances."
“What did you do?”
“I forced your vitals back to baseline.”
“Should I thank you?”
“You’d probably bite me if I told you to hate me instead. I just figured we’d all be better off if we averted a ‘scene’ as it were.”
I took a deep breath and pressed gingerly at the angry skin on my wrist. It didn’t look damaged, but it felt a little over-sensitive. It was disorienting to know that my melt down was seconds ago while my body was telling me it was ancient history. I was glad to skip the more reckless stage of the breakdown— especially since my insistence on holding everything together had been as productive as it was self destructive… but it was cheating, wasn’t it? Didn't this shortcut go against all the lessons and resilience I was supposed to learn from the scenario? Or was it the emotional equivalent of tylenol?
I wiped my eyes and rubbed some of the residual tension from my brow and neck.
“Are you okay?”
I gave Carolyn a more bored sort of glare now. “I’m fine. I feel like I already had a good cry and nap over it, despite feeling a little residual exhaustion.”
Still, I didn't feel fine. I mostly felt like I was able to lie about it. I felt like shit, but only deep deep down. I couldn't remember the last time I felt so profoundly disconnected from my body. All the finer controls were locked down, so all I could do was move and talk. Feeling things was out of scope.
I took a longer drink from my coffee, ignoring the almost sickly heat of the hot drink on top of the residual fever of all the activities. My hand shook slightly, and I wondered if that was a caffeine rush or something less pleasant.
“Where’s Deyha?” I asked. Part of me still wanted to yell at Carolyn but I realized I didn’t care if she felt regret or second guessed something.
I still hated that she considered me complacent and effectively lazy in regards to my personal development, but I couldn't imagine a conversation or argument changing that.
Carolyn led the way forward, and when her hand brushed mine I ignored it. I wasn’t angry with her, or rather, anger no longer felt like the correct word for it. I was tired. Only distantly connected to the issue.
“Ellen is at the leather works tent, and I see Deyha waiting outside while she shops.”
I looked up and sure enough it was pretty easy to pick her out of the crowd. I waved as she looked up and smiled.
“Are you feeling okay?” Carolyn asked again as we approached the tent.
“I said I’m fine.” I rubbed at my eyes and wiped away the last of the tears. I wasn’t looking forward to hearing the same question from Deyha or Ellen.
“You didn’t find a fancy new tool belt?” I forced a weak smile as Deyha welcomed me with a hug.
“Nah, the canvas one has the superior strength to weight ratio for the sort of stuff I carry around. A leather satchel wouldn’t really be an upgrade for me.”
“Fair enough.” I leaned into the tent to spot Ellen and thankfully she was already checking out.
“Did you find anything good to eat?” Deyha seemed to be scrutinizing me as much as all the random fair people were… No doubt trying to understand tear stains or whatever story my eyes were telling.
I shrugged and held up my cup. “You’re welcome to a sip of this utterly unremarkable pumpkin spice latte. It's actually like drinking a pumpkin pie.”
“I’ll pass.” Deyha chuckled. “Where do you want to go next?”
I sighed. “Carolyn found out about a blade master so she will want to go check out all the sharps and pointies.”
“Okay, but what about you?”
“I’m… just along for the ride.”
“Surely something has caught your interest.”
“I’ll let you know.” I looped my arm through hers. I felt the beginning of a headache coming on, so I took another sip of the latte. Caffeine was helpful for that sort of thing as far as I remembered.
“Do you still want to do the archery stuff?”
“I’ll watch you, for sure. But I’m really not feeling like anything right now.”
“Anything?” Deyha seemed weirdly concerned about that.
I shrugged and glanced around the area. There really wasn’t anything grabbing my attention. The stages in the distance were still empty with hardly anyone sitting on the benches in front of them, and the next nearest tent of stuff to buy was one of the 3D printed crap shops I'd been warned about.
“What do you want to do? Maybe I’ll just tag along with you.”
“I figured you wanted to go with Carolyn to the blademaster.”
I glanced at Carolyn, catching her also scrutinizing me. I was starting to think maybe my original plan of chilling out in the VIP tent for a second would have been better after all, even if I would have had to navigate there while blind with rage and tears.
“I…” Carolyn looked from me to Deyha. “I mean yeah I’d like to take a look at some point, but I don’t have some sort of fear of missing out over it.”
“Did something else happen while you were on your walk?” Deyha addressed the question to Carolyn, and I watched impassively as her expression morphed through guilt to concern.
Silence dragged and I realized that Carolyn was waiting on me to tattle on her.
“We bickered a bit and when I started to lose my cool she used her fancy new magic powers to reset my body to baseline.”
“Maddie…” Carolyn’s voice sounded pained but all her fear and remorse was directed at Deyha now.
“You did what?”
“It sounds worse than it was.” Carolyn took a step back as Deyha untangled her arm from mine.
“It sounds invasive.” Deyha folded her arms.
I wondered if I’d chosen my words poorly. I was certain there were worse ways for me to frame it, ways that would put Deyha in her ‘break stuff’ mode all over again while Carolyn would backpedal and break down like I had. But I didn’t want them to fight. I just had this weird feeling that their bickering and protectiveness of me would be familiar somehow. Like it could make me feel truly normal about all of this.
“It’s fine, Deyha.” I caught her elbow again. “I feel better now.”
The lie came easier this time but for some reason they both looked even more suspicious.
“Details. Now.” Deyha pointed at Carolyn. Ellen joined us outside the tent and her eyes widened as she picked up the vibe.
“Whaaaats going on here?”
“Nothing.” I answered automatically.
“I… adjusted some hormones.” Carolyn fidgeted with the chains on her outfit. “I blunted the cortisol response and suppressed her adrenergic signaling. She’s fine. I made sure to compensate for the effects on her blood pressure and blood sugar.”
Deyha wrapped her arm around my shoulder and started walking us toward the VIP tent. “How much of that have you had?” She pointed at my cup.
“Most of it, why?”
“Let’s get you some water.”
“I told you, I’m fine.” Irritation began to seep back into my tone.
“You did, and I’m not ignoring you. I just need you to bear with me for a second.—“ she looked up at Carolyn again, “Can you find some food? Ideally protein and not fried, but beggars can’t be choosers.”
“I…”
“Carolyn.”
“Okay, okay. Yeah.”
I was surprised Deyha was asking instead of ordering. Maybe it was because we were in public, or maybe it was for my benefit, but I was a little impressed that she was keeping her cool.
“We don’t have to detour for me.” I tried not to sound too insistent as Deyha kept us moving. “I’m pretty sure I’m not having a stroke or anything.”
“No, I think we can trust Carolyn’s assessment that you are physically fine.”
“Then why?…” I trailed off.
“Did you ask her to adjust your hormones?”
“No, but I really don’t mind, it’s fine.”
Deyha’s brow furrowed as I repeated ‘fine’ yet again. She was beginning to react to the word like I was swearing in front of polite company or something.
“Maddie, I know that you don’t want to inconvenience anyone or take up space, but this ‘along for the ride’ mentality… the way you say everything is fine… it’s all a little dead sounding. You sound like you’ve completely shut down emotionally, and I want to be sure that you’ve actually had a bit of a reset before you over exert yourself and end up overwhelmed again. What were you arguing with Carolyn about anyways?”
“I pointed out that none of you seem to care that strangers are staring— or at least perceiving us, and I still don’t like being in public even after all this time. She basically said it’s because I’m complacent and never would have done any of this gene modding and gender stuff if it weren’t insanely easy for me.”
“I see…”
“She’s right, isn’t she?”
“That’s a very narrow view. I’m sure there are some less extreme scenarios that would have led you to gene modding.”
“I spent so long in the closet, I feel like I would have walked out on my own by then if I was going to.”
“You did your legal name change before we met, right?”
“Yeah, but—“
“Don’t minimize that. The legal process can be a real bear and that was a big step in self expression.”
“I guess, but I never even did voice training. Carolyn is right. I was complacent.”
Ellen caught up to us at last. It seemed like she had originally planned to join Carolyn, but something had sent her back to us. I stumbled as she latched onto me and buried her face in my neck.
“Can I help you?” I scoffed as she took a deep breath and while I hoped I didn’t smell bad, I was certain I didn’t smell particularly good.
“Nope, just checking something.”
“I showered this morning.”
“Not that, silly.” She pivoted so that her face was very close to mine, and held my cheeks for a moment.
“Eyes look fine…” Ellen mumbled before glancing at Deyha. “Water and food is a good call, beyond that the best I can tell is that she needs some rest. And uh, your breath…”
“I do brush, Ellen.”
“No, it's not that either, the coffee breath is just really weirdly bad…” she squinted past me at Deyha, “She smells like you did after that twelve hour day you pulled.”
“That raises… so many questions, but I suppose now isn’t the time. Can you be more specific?”
“Yeah, like you really overdid it and besides the sweat and dirt you were breathing a weird kinda chemical smell. It was faint, but Maddie’s breath reminds me of that right now.”
“And you don’t think it’s the coffee?”
“Hmmm.” Ellen fell into step beside me as she squinted ahead. “I really don't think so. It would be like there was some sort of solvent cleaner in the coffee pot… or maybe I’m over sensitive.” Ellen shrugged. “Id have to taste to be sure.”
“Is this how you fish for an excuse to kiss me?” I grumbled.
“I was talking about the coffee, silly. But that's not a bad idea~”
“Really not in the mood, Ellen.”
“Imposter! The Maddie I know would never pass up the opportunity to kiss girls!”
“So dramatic.” I held closer to Deyha’s arm.
“I don’t know,” Deyha’s tone lightened a bit. “Kissing may be a bit of an unconventional diagnostic tool, but I wouldn’t write it off.”
“Judas.” I muttered. “Fine. Knock yourself out.” I turned back to Ellen as she leaned in again. Having gone all tingly and weak at the touch so many times in the past, it was strange to feel so ambivalent about her hand on my neck now. No happy tingles followed her fingers, and her lips against mine was just touch. Every bit as interesting as wiping my mouth with a napkin.
I turned my face away as she pressed against my lips with her tongue. It felt wrong, and I didn’t want to insult her further by gagging or flinching from the sensation.
“Learn anything interesting?” Deyha sounded painfully amused, which I supposed beat jealous any day.
“Not much to taste aside from coffee. But I’ve never known her to be able to pretend not to be into it.”
“Would it hurt your feelings to know I wasn’t pretending? Obviously it's not you. It's me.” I rolled my eyes.
“I can’t tell if that is the most or least worrying development. Your appetite for touch is bottomless.” Ellen skipped ahead to pull the open flap of the VIP tent wider. “But my feelings will be fine, I’m just worried about yours.”
“I feel fi—“
“You feel fine, we know~” Ellen drolled. “Just sit down and have some water.”
“She sounds a little miffed.” Deyha stage whispered.
“I am not! Cooler heads will prevail!”
“She argues, defensively.” Deyha sat down next to me on a bench and leaned back against the edge of the table as I rested my forehead on the fake wood boards. A moment later I felt cold plastic tickle the side of my palm and I looked up enough to see the water bottle that Deyha was not so subtly pressing into my hand.
“Fine, fine.” I cracked it open and drank. I wasn’t feeling super thirsty or parched, but I made sure to drink a third or so anyways just as a good faith effort before resting my head again.
“Okay.” Carolyn’s voice followed hurried footsteps and the gentle rasp of paper plates being deposited in front of me. “Just a few options. ‘Not fried’ ended up being mission impossible, but I got chicken strips, mozzarella sticks, and French fries.”
I sat up enough to survey the spread
“That was quick.” Deyha sounded impressed, which was unexpected given how deep in the dog house Carolyn was supposed to be.
“How are you feeling?” Carolyn pet my head as I munched on a mozzarella stick.
“Don’t touch me.” I grumbled.
“Fair, fair. Sorry again. How can I make it up to you?”
I rolled my eyes. I didn’t want reparations, and I certainly didn’t want the begging for forgiveness. I spent a moment rehearsing responses in my head before giving up and taking another bite. I felt like I’d earned a bit of bad behavior.
“She’s not responding well to touch in general right now.” Deyha spoke up. “So it's not personal.”
“What did you even do?— or rather, how did you do this to her?” Ellen slid into the bench opposite me, forcing Carolyn to scoot down a bit.
I could tell the question was addressed to Carolyn but I leveled a bored expression at Ellen.
“Later.” Deyha cut in again. “Give her space and quiet. She’s been very good and patient, so let’s not press her buttons while she recovers.”
“Fair…” Carolyn mumbled. “Quiet time sounds nice.”
“C’mere then.” Deyha stood up and moved to a nearby table. Carolyn’s expression morphed through confusion and guilt, but she eventually complied and settled into Deyha’s lap. I might have expected some sort of drama, but Deyha seemed to be making significant efforts to diffuse and quiet everyone down.
I pushed the fries so that they were halfway between me and Ellen, and then started on a tender.
“You’re sharing?”
“It’s a lot of food.” I shrugged. “You can have a cheese stick too, but I suspect that of the three, the fries will do the least for me.”
Ellen still seemed reluctant to accept the food, but I didn’t bother insisting. The headache I’d felt coming on before had continued to sharpen, and I scooted down the bench to be more directly in the path of one of the box fans as I polished off the chicken strips.
“How are you feeling?”
I gave Ellen a bored look. “Like shit. But this took the edge off the hunger at least.” I gestured at the plates before grabbing the water bottle and finishing it off. “Happy?”
“A little. It's weird to think that feeling like shit would be preferable to feeling fine, but I’m glad you’re feeling stuff again. That’s progress, right?”
I grumbled and laid my head down. I heard a familiar musical theme and realized that Ellen had started up the gatcha game I’d roped her into. I was surprised the Internet connection was good enough, but I wasn’t complaining.
I turned my head to rest facing her now and she swiveled sideways so that the phone was half facing me. She was still early on in the story but she already had one of the characters that I hadn’t bothered getting. Naturally, Cleo had a bit of a cat aesthetic, and she was the imperious leader of an intelligence bureau. If you could call two people a bureau…
It was funny to have her so far from home, in the starting country on the other side of the continent, or perhaps even the globe from her home, but then again, for all I knew she had just crossed one little ocean to get here.
Cleo was unfortunately dependent on another character for the elemental reactions that made her such a force to be reckoned with, so after a few minutes of watching her struggle with combat I decided to pull out my own phone.
“Let me in,” I nodded toward her as I put in one of my earbuds, “I have the moon goddess, so I can enable the rest of Cleo’s kit.”
“You aren’t going to just murder everything yourself?”
I smirked. “I’ll try to tone it down. There is a bit of a disparity between our levels, but I bet I can get my character close by taking off her gear.
“Ooooh~” Ellen teased, “you’re getting naked? In my kid-friendly gambling addiction game?”
If she could only see the horrors that the modded PC client could show. Literally every character in the game had an alternate model someone had made to remove all their clothes. It was hard for me to imagine why anybody would truly enjoy seeing all their characters naked or, in the case of some objectively funny people, in the exact same outfit. I got a small laugh every time a new character was released and the meme mods popped up, usually a clothes swap with one of the first characters the game had on release.
“Sure.” I muttered. “Im getting naked so that I can follow you around. Enjoy it now, because it sure as hell won’t be happening in real life.”
Ellen leaned to the side to look past me at Carolyn. “Did you hear that, she might be asking for leash time.”
“Or we can see if Maddie’s collars and leash work on you too.” Carolyn fired back. “You should leave the terrorizing of my pet to me, kitty.”
“Fair enough.” Ellen raised her hands. “Okay, so I’ve been wanting to climb this mountain, but I keep freezing to death.”
I joined her world and switched characters. I considered using the goddess of fire alongside the moon goddess, but that would be guaranteed to steam roll everything, so I got one of my weaker Fire characters and teleported to the base of the mountain.
“Sure, twenty minute adventure, in and out.”
The adventure didn’t end up being twenty minutes, but it was a nice distraction. By the time we crested the virtual summit my body was fairly cooled off and it was my phone’s turn to be overheated.
The VIP ambassador had been good to us as well, he’d been sympathetic and earnest to help, eagerly setting off on quests for ‘willow bark’ and further snacks, so by the time lunch time actually rolled around I was feeling more or less back to normal. The Aspirin had muted the aches, and my stomach had largely settled and balanced out from the pumpkin spice stimulant flood.
“Let’s go see the sharp and pointies.” I announced to nobody in particular as I stretched my arms.
“Is that what you want to do?” Deyha asked.
I rolled my eyes. “I’m very much in a ‘do what I want’ mood right now, but I’ll endeavor to choose activities that are mutually enjoyable, hence the blademaster.” I gestured at Carolyn.
“How magnanimous.” Carolyn muttered. “Well then, off we go.”
“Sorry for pissing away a bunch of our time at the fair playing games on my phone.”
Carolyn gave me a look. “Im not sure whether to bite you for that. Obviously I don't want to set a precedent that it's socially acceptable to withdraw and isolate yourself… but now that I say that out loud, I think I should be challenging that notion, not you.”
“Soooooo?”
“I'm glad silly game time helped you recover, but I'm going to bite you later for apologizing."
“Eh, now’s fine.” I pulled my collar to taunt her and she squinted.
“ ‘Fine’ Is it?” Carolyn approached, backing me into the table edge.
She studied me for a moment, and, seemingly satisfied with what she saw, she leaned in to press a kiss to my neck. My breath caught as her arms tightened around me and I locked up as she bit, well away from any veins but very much on sensitive skin.
“Hmmm.” Ellen exaggerated skepticism as Carolyn backed off and I caught my breath. “Hard to say if she’s recovered, I don’t if know that was a normal re—“
Her sass broke off as I caught the broach of her cloak, pulling her by the neck and backing her into the edge of the table as Carolyn had for me. However, instead of biting I kissed her, groping her brazenly as I focused on working her up. She moaned into my lips, and I tangled my fingers in her hair as I pressed my thigh between her legs.
I wouldn’t say she was putty in my hands, but she was pretty defenseless. I eased my hand off her chest and looped my arm around her, holding her close as I caught my breath. It was gratifying to see a little bit of that restless horny blush in her expression that everyone seemed to so enjoy eliciting out of me.
“Convinced?”
“Not bad.” Carolyn had her hands on her hips. “You lose some points for not keeping your cool but for a hopeless bottom it wasn’t a bad attempt at topping.”
I rolled my eyes and extricated myself from Ellen’s embrace. “Eh. It was never going to be something I aspired to be great at.”
Ellen slouched against the table, and after a few more seconds she seemed to find the capacity to speak. “I… did not see that coming.”
“Obviously. Are we good to go?” I stepped up to Deyha. Wrapping my arms around her in a way that pretty directly interfered with her being able to leave the tent.
I contemplated saying something to the effect of not leaving her out, or ‘last but not least’ but I settled for tugging her down to kiss me as well.
“There.” I smirked as Deyha straightened. “Now everyone has indirectly kissed Ellen,” I shot Ellen a look “slut.”
This caused her to break out into near hysterics as Deyha shrugged me off. “Very funny.” She drawled, not completely sarcastically. “We can go walk around a bit but I need you to be extra vigilant about your limits. We don’t want you overheating or getting overstimulated out there.”
“Mhmm, mhmm.” I hummed and took her hand in mine. “Now let’s go play with weapons!”