Good Moorning
I blinked blearily as Deyha's alarm went off. As usual she cut it off within a second or two, but unlike usual she laid back down, sighing as she fell into the pillow beside me.
"Everything okay babe?" my voice felt a little scratchy and Carolyn's arm twitched as I tried to remain still for her.
"Mmmm" Deyha hummed, I couldn't make out any inflection to indicate a yes or no. She cleared her throat and rolled onto her side to face me. "Morning Maddie."
I reached over to stroke her cheek with the back of my hand and she caught it, weaving our fingers together and kissing my knuckles before holding my hand to her chest. Her heartbeat was faster than I would have expected.
"How were your dreams?" She sounded more awake now.
I tried to think back to what had been happening. I had been dreaming, and the feeling of Carolyn's head resting on my chest, and arms wrapped around me seemed extremely relevant to what had been going on. My face warmed as a few details fell into place.
There had been an outfit, cow print socks and gloves, and I'd been rigged up in a sling, completely immobilized to be milked and bred.
"Good, they were good dreams."
"I thought so," Deyha murmured.
"Why do you ask?"
"You talk in your sleep sometimes."
"Oh, sorry."
"In fact–" Deyha continued, "You seem capable of carrying a conversation in your dreams."
I chewed my lip hard. "Hah, yeah I have a pretty vivid imagination sometimes."
"You're also very suggestible."
"What do you mean?"
"I mean that a few minutes ago, the best I could tell is that you were dreaming about going on a road trip, but when I informed your subconscious that it was time for your morning milking session, you worked yourself up quite a bit."
"You?–"
Deyha pressed on, "You were quite insistent that you needed help getting into your harness, and that it had been two whole weeks since you delivered so you needed to be bred again as well."
"It's not nice to mess with people's dreams."
"But you were just insisting you aren't a person."
"What?"
"You were adamant that you are a cow, my property, and suitable only for producing milk and children." She released my hand and drew back the sheet, untucking it from where it had gotten caught between Carolyn and myself. "So as it stands, it's time for not only your morning milking session, but also your morning breeding session."
She rubbed her hand over my belly, smoothing the wrinkles in my sleep shirt as she dipped her hand toward my thighs.
My breath came out as a gasp and my legs spread automatically as she cupped me through my underwear. Carolyn grumbled in her sleep and rolled off of me, turning her back on us.
Deyha redoubled her attack, and soon was on her knees, hooking her fingers under the waistband of my panties as I lifted my hips to let her take them off.
She pulled directly up, forcing me to lift my knees and watch as the fabric clung wetly and stretched a thin strand of fluid.
I expected her to lift her own shirt and get to it, but she crawled backwards. "I've been curious about this strawberry flavor that Carolyn mentioned…" she stopped with her lips just inches from my skin. I could feel her breath, hot against my skin. "Do you mind?"
"Hah, be my guest." I tried to relax my back as she touched me, kissing at first before licking, delving her tongue between my lips in long strokes.
She pressed harder, and soon she was burying her face, pushing back the hood over my clit and attacking directly, dragging her tongue over the sensitive nub and pinching it between her lips as she sucked.
I couldn't lay still through this. My gasps for air became weak cries as I arched my back and fought against the iron grip she had on my hips. It was unreal how much sensation she packed into the action, striking lightning bolts up my back as she abused the cluster of nerve endings. My fingernails throbbed as I clawed at the sheets below me, unable to assert any meaningful control of the situation no matter how hard I pulled.
"Good morning." Carolyn sounded bemused next to me, and all at once Deyha's touch was gone.
I gasped and panted as Deyha sat up on her knees.
"Morning Lynn." Deyha wiped her mouth "You're just in time for breakfast."
Carolyn cackled and got out of bed, and I whined as Deyha stood as well.
"NoooOOooooOO. You can't do this to meee."
"And you accuse me of terrorizing her." Carolyn shook her head.
"I'm not terrorizing her, I'm simply prepping for her morning milking and breeding session."
"Oh that's a thing now?" Carolyn held up her hands. "Well don't let me interfere. Where are the pumps?"
"Top of the closet." Deyha stepped around to the side of the bed, reaching for my hand and pulling gently. "Bear with us a minute Maddie, we'll have you taken care of soon."
"You know–" I mumbled. "–'Taken care of' is often a euphemism for 'killed' and after what you just did, I'm having a hard time seeing this going any other way."
"As if being milked and fucked to death isn't the exact way you'd want to go."
"The problem is I don't want to go at all!"
I sat up and let Deyha pull my shirt over my head, but I immediately replaced it with a blanket, shutting out the cool air on my back as my beloveds had their giggles.
The bed shifted as Carolyn crawled back on. She brought a cardboard box with her and there was a small plug in vacuum pump alongside a cup and bottle system that was similar but likely incompatible with the system downstairs.
"How is this going to work?" I pulled the blanket tighter, daring them to explain further before I called the whole ordeal off.
"I'll hold these in place." Carolyn held up the two bottles, "While Deyha fucks you silly! It's simple really."
"Simple." I echoed. "Because as we all know, being fucked silly doesn't involve any sort of moving around at all."
"You're saying you won't be good and hold still for me?"
I narrowed my eyes. "What in the world is strong enough to brace against if Deyha is railing me?"
"Fair point. We need some sort of saddle for you to lay over…"
"Why aren't we just using my harness?"
Carolyn slapped her forehead. "Right! Right, literally what we got it for. Is it still in your playroom?"
I scowled. "It's in my office, yes."
Deyha snorted. "Yes, your office, of course. Well, while Carolyn grabs that, let's workshop on how we are going to immobilize you."
I watched Carolyn sprint out of the room, letting the door swing slowly closed behind her.
"What, like tying me to the bed?"
"Sorta, just so that while you're on your hands and knees you'll be able to balance but not move around."
"I figured you'd just pin my legs with yours and then hold my arms behind my back for leverage."
At long last, it seemed to be Deyha's turn to blush. "And you don't think that will hurt at all?"
I shrugged. "If it does, I'll let you know and we can re-adjust." I rubbed my hooves on the carpet, enjoying the sensation on the tough little toe-beans that Carolyn had snuck in under them.
I changed the subject. "What do you want for breakfast?"
Deyha laughed, "Seriously? I mean, gods, I haven't taken the time to sit down for a proper breakfast in so long. If I was actually going to sit down and make something I'd definitely go for scrambled eggs with a little bit of bacon and toast, but we don't keep eggs or bacon. So, since I wouldn't be having that, the runner up would be waffles. My grandma would use a waffle iron that made a clover that pulled apart into four hearts."
"My waffle iron makes heart shapes. They're a bit angular and there's five hearts instead of four, but it's something, right?"
"Yeah, I'm absolutely interested in digging that out when we're done here."
"Honestly, I think I'm already kinda done here."
"Really? Is something wrong?"
"I'm too awake for morning sex. I kinda just want to have a nice breakfast and start my day, ya know?"
"Okay, I'm back." Carolyn burst into the room, seeming out of breath. "What? What's with that face?" She was pointing at Deyha.
"Sorry Carolyn." I smirked, knowing full well the kind of response I'd earned. "If it's any consolation, I'll wear the harness to bed tonight and we can do the morning milking and breeding for realsies tomorrow."
"You little… Agh!" She opened my blanket and pushed me back onto my bed. "Biting is too good for you!" She sat on my hips, fighting to grab my hands and then dragging them above my head with one of hers as she brushed the fingers of her free hand across my rib cage.
My laughing cries were deeply undignified as I struggled to free myself, with a bit of twisting I was able to cover the weak spots under my arms, but she just moved her attack to wherever I couldn't defend. I quickly became light headed with the frenzy of the situation, forced to squirm even though there was no defense against her.
It seemed like an eternity before the torture ended. I gasped for breath, willing my head to stop spinning as I sat up. Deyha was holding Carolyn back, trapping her arms to her sides as she flailed.
Milk dribbled down my chest as I sat up. Evidently tickle fights would be joining the list of things Carolyn could do to make me leak.
"You know, for being the number one fan of my milk, you sure do cause a lot of it to go to waste."
"It wouldn't have been wasted if you'd just bred and milked like you planned to!"
I sighed. "I'm going to go do an extraction and then see about breakfast. Would you like to join Deyha and me for waffles?"
"And coffee?"
"Yes, milky stimulants will be prepared to your exacting standards."
"I'm not sure I like your tone."
"And I really don't like being tickled until I'm about to pass out, but I love you anyways."
"Maddie is spicy today." Carolyn mumbled.
"I'm sorry, but there are a few ways in which I really can't handle being fucked with."
"Do you want to talk about it?" Deyha let Carolyn go, and in a rare show of restraint Carolyn didn't take the opportunity to get her bites.
"No? Yes? I don't know. I'm very whelmed right now and I think I just need to clear out–" I waved vaguely around. I struggled to form a triage for issues to address. I needed to clean up, do an extraction, get dressed, and eat, but the hierarchy of issues seemed circular with each task requiring one or several of the others to be completed first.
I grabbed my shirt from where Deyha had discarded it and I picked out a couple pairs of panties at random. Soiling extra clothes seemed like an easy sacrifice to make at this point. I felt like I was being watched like a fizzing firework as I got dressed.
"Anything we can help with?" Deyha brought me out of my thoughts, and I held back the automatic 'no' that I wanted to reply with.
"I have no clue. I'll be fine in a bit and I'll explain stuff over breakfast." I grabbed my robe and worked my arms through the sleeves. It wasn't as comforting today, but at least it wasn't making anything worse
"Okay, I'll get stuff going for breakfast."
I counted the steps as I descended toward my "office". Lately, I had at least started prepping the next morning's tubes after my evening milking session, so I knew that part of the ordeal would go quickly at least. I grabbed one of the pump throttles from the supply closet, and headed for my room, replaying the morning's events in my mind.
It had been a good dream, but the fact that Deyha had orchestrated it had put me off. I'd known for a long time that I was prone to sleepwalking and talking, but this was the worst incident since moving in. Connections and memories resurfaced unbidden as I hooked up the extractor and sat down on my bag chair. I hadn't thought that it was relevant to tell them before now, and I really, really, wanted to think that Deyha messing with my dreams was hot, but it wasn't. It was all too close to some very uncomfortable memories from my college days.
And then on top of that there was the tickle fight. It bore uncanny resemblance to the times that my younger cousins would jab and tease me to get a reaction, entertaining themselves with my spasming until I inevitably hit them with my flailing. I wanted to make happy memories to replace the old ones, but when new experiences linked too close to old wounds, the poison just spread. Infecting the present with horrible feelings.
A knock at the door shook me from my thoughts and I scrambled to tune back into my surroundings. I'd been clenching the fabric of my robe pretty hard. I pulled the robe closed over the cups and redid the belt with a loose knot.
"Come in." I rehearsed how I'd politely remind them I'd said I would explain over breakfast, but that plan went out the window when Xander peeked around the door.
"Hey Maddie." She slipped in and shut the door behind her.
"Did Deyha and Carolyn send you?" I heard the bitter suspicion in my own tone and cursed myself. "I mean, Hi. Good morning. What's up?"
"Good morning? Uh, no, I haven't seen them today. Is something wrong? I can go–"
"No, it's fine. I need to get out of my own head." I rubbed my eyes and tried to be pleasant. "Did you need something?"
"I wanted to get your advice." Xander sat on the side of the couch closest to my bag chair, tucking her feet under her. "Do you like the fur and stuff? I noticed that you've been iterating pretty rapidly on the mods and I wanted to pick your brain on how they feel."
I laughed. "Yeah, the current hooves are pretty great I think." I lifted one so she could get a better look.
She gasped "Oh my god you have little toe beans!" her voice turned into a squeal of delight. "Can I touch them?"
"Uh, sure." I felt my cheeks warm as she hopped off the couch and knelt in front of my chair.
Whatever I thought she would do, I certainly did not expect her to be so firm, right from the start. She spread the toes with her thumbs, pressing her fingers into the fur and between the pads as if to study the bone structure.
"This is amazing! I had no idea Carolyn could do this sort of thing– I mean, I caught a glimpse of Deyha's new claws but this is definitely more my speed–" her eyebrows furrowed, "Do you smell strawberries?"
I tried to be subtle about taking my hoof back and she took that as her cue to return to her seat.
"Yeah, I've been a guinea pig for a bunch of Carolyn's ideas so you can rest assured she is working on the whole strawberry milk thing."
"It sounds like she's already figured it out. Can I– I mean, it's weird to ask for a taste, but like… I'm so curious!"
My skin burned with embarrassment and it took me a second to realize that, like Deyha, she had assumed it was the milk being flavored. "Ah, it's uh… not really–" I groaned and pulled the robe tighter around myself. "I'd rather you didn't. I'm sure Carolyn will let you know soon when she's ready to adapt the mod for you."
"For sure, for sure." Xander seemed to vibrate in place with excitement. "Is the fur nice? I kinda wonder if it would follow the patterns on my skin like my eyebrows do."
"I… couldn't say but yes the fur feels nice. It's a bitch to keep clean but I like being my own plushie. Was that… all you wanted to ask about?"
Xander scrunched her face as she thought. "Mmmm yeah, I think so. Thanks for letting me pick your brain."
"Haha, any time." I took a peek down my shirt at the cups, and cut the pump off. "I need to go take a shower I think. If it interests you, Carolyn and Deyha are probably making waffles right now."
"Oooh" Xander stood and held out her hands to help me out of my chair. "If you'd like, I can ransom– I mean deliver your milk to Carolyn. I'm sure she would share the bounty of breakfast If I made her an offer she couldn't refuse."
"Haha, sure, I wonder how much you could get in the bargain." I wrestled with the robe, trying to preserve some decency as I disconnected and capped the bag I'd filled.
"Damn, girl." Xander whistled. "You filled this entire thing just now?"
I shrugged. "Yeah, that's just what accumulated overnight. I do about four of those a day."
"Holy shit, I think your tits are bigger on the inside." She shook her head and laughed. "Okay, I'll get this over to your owners, I'll see you in a bit for waffles, yeah?"
"Thanks," I rolled my eyes, "I'll see you in a bit."
By the time I finished showering I was wondering If I could get some sort of water-proof power tool to do all the fur scrubbing for me. Between that and how long it took to blow dry each leg, I felt like the potential time savings of a couple custom devices could add up quick. Impatience and hunger won out over the wet discomfort, so I left little paw prints on the concrete as I made the trek back to the barn.
Carolyn, Deyha, and Xander were crowded around a table chatting over a substantial pile of waffles. I could tell they hadn't managed to find my waffle iron, but I figured that could be an improvement for a later date.
"Welcome back, babe." Deyha pushed out a chair for me. "Feeling better?"
"Much, thanks." On a whim, I gave Deyha and Carolyn each a kiss on the top of the head before sitting down, sticking my tongue out at Xander as she looked up in exaggerated expectation. "I'm sor–" I glanced at Carolyn, who had already set her fork down, and decided to just go for it. "I'm sorry for being moody and fussy earlier this morning.–" I ignored Carolyn as she grabbed my arm and chomped over the robe. "– the dreams and tickling set off some unpleasant memories that were sending me to dark places, so I just wanted to take a moment to reset and clear all the bad feelings out of my system."
Deyha rubbed my back, "Can you tell us what went wrong?"
I took a bite of a waffle and forced myself not to rush the chewing process, "My cousins used to tickle me until I'd nearly passed out because it was funny to them, and in college one of my roommates would talk to me while I was sleeping to get me to reveal embarrassing secrets and just fuck with me in general."
"Oh, yikes." Carolyn murmured. "I don't want to be mean or shame you, but you have PTSD about some of the weirdest things."
"It's not PTSD." I rolled my eyes.
"Isn't it? Past trauma was stressing you to the point where you looked like you were about to explode, which, I gotta say, I'm proud of you for taking care of yourself, but like… How much was that stuff even happening?"
"The tickle fights were basically any time I saw my cousins, and back then my family all lived pretty close so it was probably every other month. The dream stuff was one semester but…" I sighed. "That's how I found out I'm trans, and the way he kept bringing it up… I thought he was my friend at the time. We sat together for lunch almost every day and he would bring it up in front of the whole table." I took a deep breath and was disappointed to find I was shaking. "Damn it." I grumbled and took another bite of my waffle.
I gestured with my fork at the pile of waffles, feeling my eyes sting under their combined gaze. "That's the whole story."
Deyha patted my back but I shrugged her off. "I really don't want to–" I threw my fork down on my plate and pressed my palms to my eyes. Their pity made it fucking impossible to hold everything together and I wanted to throw up with how sickening the burning feeling was.
I coughed to try and reset my breathing and wiped my eyes with my shirt. It felt absurd, and I hated that I was just proving Carolyn right. It was stupid and pathetic that this shit was gutting me after all these years.
After a few deep breaths my eyes stopped leaking and I wiped my face. I stared pointedly at the table as I collected my fork and sectioned off another piece of my waffle. Nobody was picking up a new conversation, and I wasn't optimistic about them looking anywhere but me either. Sure, they were probably looking on with friendly concern but at the end of the day it wasn't that different from the lunch table in college. The weight of all their undivided attention was suffocating.
My hands shook as I tried to force myself to untense my grip on my fork, but the broader attempts to relax were utterly ineffective. If my jaw wasn't clenched, my shoulders were tight, if my shoulders were loose then my fists were clenched. It was a demented game of whack-a-mole trying to calm my whole body all at once.
Xander spoke. "So Maddie tells me you're making progress on the strawberry milk thing?"
"Yeah but–" Carolyn trailed off, she sighed. "Yeah, I've figured out the mod for synthesizing the strawberry flavor. Unfortunately it tends to hang out in the wrong places, so I'll need to refine the mod to make it work on the milk specifically."
I tuned out their conversation and sat back in my chair, rolling my shoulders back before taking a sip of water and resting my arms on the table. Deyha was still stealing glances at me, but I did my best to not be bothered by it. Carolyn had said she was proud of me for taking care of myself, and I felt warmed by that. I'd averted two breakdowns now, the second more narrowly than the first, but I had done a pretty good job of wrestling the feelings back under control, kinda like I was doing some sort of rodeo; with my own emotions as the bucking horse that I needed to stay on top of. Though it occurred to me that in the past my therapists hadn't indicated that dealing with my emotions was supposed to feel like a fight, or if it did, it was supposed to be a fight that I weathered, not one that I punched back and won.
I could hardly call my fight for composure "letting go" of the bad thoughts, especially because of how hard I was working to push them away. No, it was more like I was packing them down, compressing them into something I could overlook.
I stared at my half-eaten waffle, feeling foolish all over again. It was almost like I was bottling. The specific thing that I'd heard countless times is the bad thing that makes explosions.
I had to laugh, it was funny in a way, right? I bottled milk every day! Sure I'd look a little manic laughing after nearly crying a few seconds ago but Carolyn and Deyha knew my humor was broken anyways, I smiled at my plate, trying to feel relaxed by the revelation. I tuned back into my surroundings and found that the conversation had hit a lul.
"Carolyn?"
"Yeah, Babe?"
"When you said you were proud of me for taking care of myself…" tears already started to form in my eyes, even as I tried to laugh through them. "Did you say that because you thought I had worked past the bad feelings?"
Her eyes were wide with concern. I could tell the answer was yes, even though she hadn't so much as nodded.
I continued for her. "I'm starting to think…" I took a second to try and steady my breathing, "That I might not actually be working past them."
I wiped at my face and sat back, resting my hands on either side of my plate as suddenly, going limp was easier now.
"I promise I'm not having some sort of mental break right now, or at least I'm no crazier than usual–" I had to stop for another breath as the weird mirth bubbled out, like I was telling a joke so funny I couldn't deliver it with a straight face. "–But it is funny right? It's fitting that I would be bottling everything, milk and emotions."
"Yes dear." Carolyn reached out and covered my hand. "It's a little bit funny."
"That's good." I sighed, still struggling to talk when my body wanted so badly to laugh and cry. "I think I need therapy."
"Yeah." Carolyn squeezed my hand. "You mentioned something to that effect."