Willing-fem
Despite my best unrealistic hopes, I did not feel good this morning. In addition to being road-weary I was simply exhausted even after so much sleep. My chest ached so bad. I'd heard stories about people getting some tenderness from starting hormones but this was all that chest tenderness plus my groin, stomach, hips… Where didn't it hurt anyways?
I groaned as I sat up in bed and groaned again as I stood. I certainly didn't sound different, and given that my throat felt fine, if a bit parched, I could only assume that my vocal chords were not being reprinted presently. Was any bone structure going to change? Was it foolish to hope? I put that aside and organized myself to tackle actionable items. I was thirsty.
I filled a cup at the bathroom tap and glared moodily at the mirror, trying to see if there was anything to see. Of course, one of the important components of a "spot the difference" exercise was to have a baseline to compare against, and I had the strangest feeling I wasn't going to find any suitable pictures for that.
I shaved my face anyway and stared at the mirror a minute longer. Was I supposed to keep practicing the whole radical self-acceptance stuff? Even now? Probably. It's not like my old therapist would tell me "actually, you can forget all that now, you're fixed and will never have to work at existing again."
Sometimes I cracked myself up.
I continued to lean heavily on the counter as I unlocked my phone. I imagined there was actually a little bit of chest to look past now, but this was another place I'd need a baseline. Or I could just convince myself that big changes were happening and I felt unambiguously happy about all of them.
No, wrong answer. Stockholm syndroming myself had never gone well.
Carolyn had texted.
How are you feeling today ?
I tapped out a reply, challenging myself to do so without picking up the phone.
Ouchie. Why does it hurt in my everything?
I stretched and rolled my shoulders back, powering through the burning sensation in my chest as my shirt continued to rub in excruciating ways.
That must be the everything-hurting-juice I put in there. It's a bitch isn't it?
I smiled despite myself.
Remind me, what did you set to reprint on this potion?
I held the front of my shirt off my skin as I returned to my bed and sat on the edge. I didn't have to wait long for a reply.
Interesting. I honestly didn't expect the whole "reprinting" and "potion" lingo to catch on but it's growing on me too. Anyways. This one is pretty mild. I mostly told your Testes to be Ovaries and informed your endocrine system at large that your hormones should be different. They are fairly minor corrections so your hormones have probably already stabilized at the new levels. Are there any mood changes? What's your opinion on Paramore?
"Fuck" I groaned. That's what I got for blind trust. Even I knew from just the baseline hormone research that there was a step up process for doses. She was literally overdosing me on estrogen. I struggled to arrange my thoughts. I wanted to scream and cry. I wanted to yell that I'm in pain and it's her fault for being so careless, and taking this lightly… but every time I typed out a message I ended up deleting it. After a few tries I just let the phone fall on the bed beside me. Later. This was a problem for later.
My phone rang. I considered ignoring it to be safe but it was hard to guess if that actually would be safer or not.
"Hello?" my voice sounded even more broken and pained than I thought I felt. Or maybe exactly as bad as I felt. Who could tell?
"Are you okay?" Carolyn sounded serious for once, but that just made my confused emotions boil over.
It felt like an eternity before I managed to say "no."
"Okay, focus on breathing, we can talk through this."
I nodded even though she couldn't see.
"Are you safe?"
"Yeah. I'm just lying on my bed."
"That's good… and are you thinking of hurting yourself or others?"
"You sound like a therapist."
"Mhmm, now answer the question." Carolyn's voice was still gentle but the serious tone was a bit sharper for a moment.
"No, I'm not going to hurt myself or anyone else."
"Okay. That's good. That's a good starting point."
I didn't know what to say to that. I was a little irritated at the notion of "starting points" in general right now. I didn't even particularly want to move the conversation forward so I just tried breathing.
"Is the discomfort different than you expected?"
I huffed a bitter laugh. "Discomfort? This is very, very, very painful right now. The slightest breeze on my chest makes me want to curl up in a ball."
"Ah. Yeah that is… that's a bit more extreme than I would have predicted."
"I don't mean to be rude, but did you consider that the saying of 'puberty hitting like a truck' might have been hyperbolic? Like even the most aggressive hormone flood was still a curve for most people?"
The phone remained silent for a long time, long enough that I wondered if I really had been too rude-- If I'd just slapped her in the face when all she wanted to do was help.
"I didn't. That's on me. I… how can I make it up to you?"
"Fuck if I know." I groaned again, more for my benefit than anything as I sat back up. I took a second to tug the infernal t-shirt over my head and then used it to wipe my face.
Carolyn still sounded remorseful. "I'm sorry for running you over with the puberty truck."
I laughed and cried out and laughed again. "Don't make me laugh!" I struggled to catch my breath.
"Well, if you think about it, you've already been hit by a truck, I dare say your life is going to be pretty completely different from now on… should we just drive a uhaul out there and pick you up? Make the isekai official?"
"Seriously?"
"A little yeah. Legitimately there should be at least a bit of medical monitoring going on for symptoms like these and at some point… it would save a trip to do everything at once."
"So you're just going to rock up to my place with a truck and a bunch of dudes and just whisk me away to my new life?"
"This is probably one of those things you should do while of sound mind but… we make the best with what we have."
"Fuuuuuuck. You really are going and making me an offer I can't refuse."
Carolyn slipped seamlessly back into confident sass. "Really? is it that compelling? Sometimes I outdo myself."
"Fine. You win. I am formally requesting Uhaul medevac."
"Excellent name. Let me talk to Deyha and I'll get back to you."
"Have funnnnn." I did my best sing-song voice.
"You know full well I am going to get reamed for this."
"Tell her I said to be gentle."
"Uh huh." She grumbled. "I'll let you know if that works. Later."
I put my phone away and stared at the ceiling. So all she had done was swap my hormones? On one hand I knew that it was the biggest thing that trans folks did when they transitioned, but on the other it was just one little thing. It would change my skin texture and fat distribution over a long, long time, but I had hyped myself up for this all being a quick and painless process for some reason.
I was beginning to wonder just how badly I'd under-researched this, but how much was I really going to find about human cow mods on the internet? At the very least, I knew plenty of other girls on hormones, so hopefully someone could help me fill some gaps. I opened up my messenger and scrolled down my friend's list. Ellen was usually pretty near the top, but it had been a week or two since I'd bugged her.
Maddie: Hey, can I ask you something?
Her activity indicator turned green and little dots started bouncing immediately.
Ellen: You just did :P, but if you have additional questions… Yes you can see my boobs, yes you can touch them if you drive out here, and if you give me cookies you can lick them.
I laughed and groaned at her antics. It was literally painful now how cavalier she was about the silliest things.
Maddie: That's very generous, but I was mostly wanting to ask about hormones.
Ellen: Oh? Are you finally starting your titty skittles? Your fem-en-ems?
I could tell she was still typing, and probably had a few other joke names ready to go.
Maddie: I'm doing gene modding actually, and it's kinda mega painful right now.
Ellen: Anti-boy-otics?
Ellen: YOU LUCKY FUCKING BITCH.
Ellen: I can't believe you got to the end of a waitlist that fucking fast, how the hell? I'm so mad right now.
Maddie: I'm sorry, I'm sorry. It's been pretty sudden. I just met the doctor a week ago and everything happened so fast.
Ellen: Of course, you seduced a gene modder. Honestly? Queen shit. I wish I'd thought of that.
Maddie: I didn't seduce her!
I debated elaborating further, but even if Ellen was cool I couldn't imagine how I'd explain what I was modding for, let alone how I would answer if she pressed for details.
Ellen: This too… is yuri… but anyways, within a week? I mean, you have to have started some hormones before modding right?
Maddie: No…
Ellen: That would do it. Fuck… I promise I'm so happy for you but its also so fucking unfair. I can't even get on a waitlist because none of the modders in my area are willing to do ovary synthesis, they only do conversions, it makes no fucking sense.
Maddie: I'm sorry, I didn't mean to bring up bad feelings… but what do you mean by "that would do it"?
Ellen: It's fine, but those conversion mods are designed for people who have been on HRT for at least a few months. Did the modder think that you had already started hormones?
Maddie: I'll have to ask.
Ellen: Does your modder do ovary synthesis? Like, I know shes kinda fucking you over right now but you can't blame me for being desperate.
Maddie: Probably not, she usually does different mods and specifically learned how to use the conversion kit just for me.
Ellen: You have to see why I would think you seduced her right? What kinds of mods does she normally do?
Fuck. There it was. The question. I could semi-honestly say that I don't know all the kinds of mods she can do, but the fact was I did know she could do cow mods at least. My hesitation was growing more conspicuous by the second, but I couldn't think of anything between the base truth and a flat out lie that I could bear to tell her.
Ellen: Oh, she does some freaky shit doesn't she? ?
Maddie: I guess, I honestly don't know *everything* she is capable of but please don't make me tell you specifics.
Ellen: Interesting. So you'd rather I assume the most deranged and crazy stuff possible… That means it's probably sex stuff…
Maddie: Ellennnnnn.
Ellen: You'll just have to live with me bullying you about this I'm afraid. It's my fee for holding out on me for your modder.
Maddie: I'm sorry! Look, I'll tell you who the modder is if you promise not to tease me about it.
Ellen: I promise I won't tease you in any ways you don't like.
Maddie: That's not good enough.
Ellen: Fine! I promise I won't tease you. Okay?
Maddie: It's Dr. Carolyn Davis.
Seconds passed and then minutes with no reply. I wondered if I'd freaked her out to the point of being disgusted with me.
Maddie: you have to say *something* at least.
Ellen: I've found her portfolio and there is literally nothing I can say that couldn't be considered teasing in some respect. I am fighting hard to keep my promise here, so don't you dare assume my silence is anything but love and affection for you.
Maddie: Okay, you're the sweetest. Thank you.
Ellen: Can I *please* tease a little? I promise I won't be mean.
Maddie: Fine. You can have a little teasing. As a treat.
Ellen's next message was a reply to something I'd said several weeks back, and without context it was even worse.
╭───Maddie: I don't have any kinks
Ellen:
Image credit: PKN-133
Maddie: Teasing privileges revoked.
Despite my constant second guessing, I never got quite far enough with my doubts and misgivings to ask them not to come, or not to bring the moving van.
At Carolyn's suggestion I contorted myself into one of my sports bras and after psyching myself up for a bit I let the fabric snug up against my breasts. I'd considered grabbing a couple cereal bowls to create a sort of terrarium for each nipple but I was just barely self-conscious enough not to be seen like that with my new… friends? Coworkers? Cow-workers? I laughed at my own absurdity but it didn't hurt this time. That counted as a victory in my book.
Given the five or so hours to panic clean, I actually accomplished a good bit. The refrigerator contents had been disposed of, the admin office of the complex accepted most of the canned goods to pass on to a good cause of some sort, and I'd caught up my laundry.
I was really hopeful about maybe growing out of most of the clothes really soon so I took a measure of satisfaction placing the scratchy wool blazer in the "donation" box while my suitcase got to be mostly pajamas and novelty t-shirts.
Altogether I was satisfied with my progress when I went out to meet Carolyn and Deyha in the parking lot.
"Hey Babygirl!" Carolyn practically shouted out the window and the tri-state dairy truck was scarcely stopped before she hopped out and skipped over to me. "That is easily the cutest outfit yet". She gestured between my cotton lounge pants and matching black bra.
My face burned and I pulled at the edges of the white button up I left open. "Don't be mean." I grumbled.
"I'm not!" Her voice seemed to rise an octave. "It's true! I mean, maybe it's not the most meaningful when the baseline is a suit and a hoodie but this is cute! Somebody has to inform you."
"Uh huh." I looked to Deyha for backup as she extricated herself from the driver seat. She was back in the overalls and button up today and looked horrendously uncomfortable because of it. The situation probably wasn't helping.
"Have you eaten?" Deyha's hooves clicked on the sidewalk as she approached. I'd scarcely begun to reflect on what I might have snacked on today before she held out a bundle to me. "I'm taking that as a no. Here."
I unwrapped the package to find a simple sandwich with what appeared to be either tuna or chicken.
"Should I be eating this? What with the meat? And how do you have this anyways?"
Deyha chuckled. "It's not like the farm is a prison. And besides, you don't have a herbivore gut yet. There's no point in nourishing an omnivore the hard way."
"What if I'm already vegetarian?"
"You're not. Stop being a brat." She patted my head and then put her hands on her hips. "So which one is yours?"
"Sixty-nine." I pointed over my shoulder.
"You're shitting me. Wait, no, that's what you said before. Funny."
"What's so funny?" I struggled to sound innocent through a mouthful of tuna sandwich.
"What did I say about being a brat? If you don't know, I'm not going to be the one to tell you."
"I'm happy to demonstrate." Carolyn piped up.
Deyha sighed, more chagrined and resigned than upset now. "Once again, wildly inappropriate. Come on, we're burning daylight."
We were just getting the first of the furniture loaded into the van when Thad and Jake showed up.
"Whoa, sick computer, dude– no offense." Jake knelt down to peer through the glass side panel.
"Uh. None taken?"
"Cool, cool. How do you want to transport this?"
"Ideally on its side, motherboard down, but we also shouldn't stack anything on the glass i think"
"Makes sense." He lifted the computer easily.
He was out the door before I could begin to form a polite protest. However, before I could even collect the monitor cables I heard a terrible crash: the signature combination of sharp shattering and rhythmic thumps of a very expensive box doing cartwheels.
I didn't want to look. I didn't want to know what had happened, but I found myself standing outside anyway. I didn't trust myself to say anything but all the bases seemed to be covered in that respect. Thad expressed shock, Carolyn cursed, and Deyha was first on site to see if Jake was okay.
Familiar blind rage filled me, but there was a drunken feeling to it. It felt more dizzying as I watched Jake brush glass off his palms and a weak feeling swept over me. The urge to sit down quickly became an overwhelming weariness.
The cement was cool and hard on my back now, competing with the sensations of pain and tenderness in my knees, hips, and chest. And for some reason people were saying my name too now.
My thoughts swam, drifting between the absurd events of the recent days. Lizard girls, chimeras, human cattle? It was all a bit silly wasn't it?
Bewildering sensations of texture and temperature took their sweet time coalescing into something believable. The ground under me was soft now and something was restraining my ankles.
"Easy, Maddie. Easy." Carolyn's voice washed over me and I tabled the escape plans for the moment.
When I opened my eyes her face was upside down, wreathed in light glowing through the stray black hairs of her braid.
"What happened?"
Deyhas voice came from somewhere near my feet. "You fainted."
"Is that normal?" I rubbed my eyes and then tried to find somewhere comfortable to rest my arms.
"You tell us."
I searched my memory, trying to match these sensations to something in my past.
"One time when I was in elementary school I ran full speed into a fence and woke up bawling. Does that count?"
"No, not really." Carolyn smirked. "Have you had anything to eat or drink today?"
"Oh." I held up my hand. "I know this one. I had a tuna sandwich."
"And?" Deyha asked.
"And uh…" by the time it occurred to me that I could make something up, I had already taken too long.
"Gods." Deyha muttered. "You and Carolyn are a matched set."
"What's that supposed to mean?" I felt my cheeks warm and I renewed my attempts to take back my legs from Deyha's grasp.
"It means you're both brats, stop fidgeting!"
"Stop holding my legs!" I countered and finally won back a shred of my bodily autonomy.
I groaned for what must have been the hundredth time today as I sat up, and I had scarcely a moment of peace before Carolyn pressed a cool cup of water into my hand.
"Fine, fine." I murmured and took a sip. The room looked the same as it had before so I wagered I hadn't fully passed out for any significant stretch of time. Still, that didn't make it any less embarrassing. "What's the damage?"
"You controlled your collapse pretty well so probably just a scuffed knee and palm." Carolyn sat on the couch where my head had been and crossed her legs.
"I was actually curious about my computer.– and uh. Jake is okay, right?"
"He's fine. Just tiny cuts from the glass. The computer is a little busted." Carolyn patted my knee.
"How busted?"
"Jake tells me the graphics card ejected unsafely."
I laughed despite my despair. It was absurd, just like everything else. "How the fuck did the GPU come out?"
"It didn't seem to be screwed in." Jake peeked out from the bathroom.
"Ugh. Of course. Nobody talks about how expensive ADHD can be." I rubbed my eyes and sank back into the couch. "I got distracted while uninstalling the graphics card for transport."
"Ah. That tracks."
I cradled the cup in my lap, rocking it slowly to make the wet ring around the rim symmetrical. "I guess it makes sense. Isekais are supposed to be fresh starts in a new world. It would be unfair if I got to bring things along."
Deyha braced her hands on her knees and stood. "No offense but that sounds a little nonsensical."
"It's an anime thing," Carolyn said.
"Nerd!" Jake or Thad called from the other room. I couldn't quite tell their voices apart yet.
I tried to stand as well but Carolyn held me back by the shoulder. "Take it easy for a bit." We'll sort things out.
I stifled a retort about a lack of faith but in truth there wasn't anything else at risk. I'd carefully packed my treasured belongings long before they arrived so there wasn't anything left to break.
I occupied myself taking sips of water as the impromptu moving crew bustled around, occasionally pausing to ask a question or strike up conversation about some belonging or another. I did my best to be reciprocal but they didn't seem to expect much. Maybe they could tell how frayed I was.
Finally it was just me and the couch. Jake and Thad joked about carrying me out with it but I stood up before they could make good on the threat. I did a brief walkthrough of the studio apartment and followed them outside.
I was staring out the clinic window at the box truck when a knock on the door shook me from my thoughts. Carolyn returned, bearing yet another tray of food.
Don't get me wrong, it was good food, but over the last two days I'd given myself a headache binging shows on my phone and this room didn't have a TV. The ever-present aches had obliterated my sleep, and the hospital-style bed hadn't helped in the slightest.
"How are the pain levels today?"
I shrugged and prodded myself. "Tender but no constant pain." The breast growth had been sudden: violent even, given the stretch marks, and I'd spent many hours wondering what I was getting myself into. I didn't see a girl in the mirror. Not the girl I expected anyways. But that seemed to all come down to my bones. Fat, skin and muscle were happy to get with the program, bones… not so much.
"We can probably start the next stage then"
"Oh? Already?"
"Mhmm." Carolyn pulled out a notebook and clicked a pen. "Let's talk about goals."
"Oh." My enthusiasm withered away. Choices.
"What do you want to mod?"
"What are my options really? I figure the main thing is I'll be constantly producing milk."
"Ideally." Carolyn nodded "but we don't have to hurry into that. It's also worth discussing if you want fur, any genitalia differences, not to mention fertility and libido."
"Is there a- I don't know- budget? Or a list of available changes?"
"Well, venom production requires a license, and wings are beyond impractical at scale… but other than that. Nope. No budget."
"Uh… well… I'd like to be shorter."
Carolyn nodded and scribbled on her clipboard.
"I'd actually just like an all around skeleton update."
"Normal proportions?"
"Yeah,"
"I can't talk you into horns? A tail?" Carolyn hadn't looked up from her clipboard.
"I dunno…" I felt like I was talking to a high pressure saleswoman suddenly.
Carolyn sighed. "Say no. You're supposed to say no."
"Supposed to?"
"I told you, day one, don't let anyone do anything to your body that you don't want."
I withered under her gaze. "Sorry."
Carolyn rubbed her brow. "Do you even want to be a cowgirl?"
"It's complicated."
"Identities tend to be multi-faceted, yes."
"I just don't know yet."
She clicked her pen and leaned back in her chair. "You're such an egg."
"I am not!"
"You are. You're clinging to your shell for dear life."
"You have no idea how much I've tried to grow out of it!" My vision blurred with tears. "I'm doing my best!"
"Then tell me who you are! Tell me what I'm supposed to see when I look at you. Tell me what you want me to know about you at a glance. Give me an elevator pitch. Something, anything."
"I. Don't. Know." I clenched my fists on my knees. Why was this such torture? Why was it so much work?
"What did you think was going to happen here?"
"I guess I thought I'd step into a little pod and then I'd just pop out cute and happy!" I let my tone drip with sarcasm. "I thought I'd be bred and milked and tagged and just while away my life in simple bliss or some shit."
"Real funny." Carolyn scowled.
"I'm not trying to be funny!"
Carolyn raised an eyebrow. As if challenging me to argue with her further.
My face was burning now and I clenched the cloth of my pants. "You're the one who suggested forcefem…"
Carolyn sighed. The hostility I felt radiating from her a moment ago seemed to be gone in an instant. She clicked her pen and began writing again.
"Cute … happy… tagged … bred…. milked. Is that everything?"
"What?" I felt a perverse heat bloom in my stomach.
"I'm still thinking the Jersey breed is the cutest. A nice strawberry blonde fur, a few inches shorter. Big ears so we can tag you, or for earrings if you prefer… wide, fertile hips… and horny. Very. Very. Very horny.
"Um." Chills raced down my spine.
"Say no." There was a challenge in her gaze now.
"Yes… please."
"Good girl." Carolyn breathed a relieved sigh. "So nice to have that cleared, oh and how do you feel about handlebars- I mean horns and a tail?"
"Yes."
"Perfect. Now. You're about to grow a real pair soon, literally and figuratively, so I expect you to figure out how to say what you need. Okay? I'm not going to goad you into a meltdown for every single fucking thing."
"Yes ma'am."
Carolyn huffed a laugh. "Oh, you're so fucked."