Gainful Employment
The din of noise in the Job fair was deafening. I would have thought that event spaces like this would put some effort into acoustics but whatever efforts they might have been making weren't working. I tried to focus on my breathing, hard as it was while being strangled by a tie in a scarcely-worn blazer. The wool of the sleeves scratched the backs of my hands as I tried to shift things to be more comfortable. How was this supposed to send a good message? It's not like I was going to practice wearing this before an interview and I certainly had no plans to wear it after this. All a potential employer was going to see was that I don't wear suits well.
I followed the signs toward the technical jobs but somehow I felt like I was even less in my element as I surveyed the tables. 3D printers zipped around making demo pieces, another table showed a floor vacuum whizzing around obstacles catching cheerios as the spokesperson flicked them onto the carpet.
I opened my backpack and dug out the folder of resumes. I could do this. I had come this far, and I could make this work. There seemed to be lines leading up to each of the tables of the big name companies, defense contractors mostly, but one table at the far end of the row seemed overlooked. I struggled not to speculate why as I neared it.
Tristate dairy. The two people manning the booth seemed bored out of their minds.
"This wouldn't have happened if you had booked the correct table" the person in the back continued to spin in their chair as I approached.
I realized with a start that both the individuals at the table were extensively modded. At the back, the feminine person who spoke had white horns and lush green scales everywhere their white coat didn't cover. While at the table, now watching me intently, a much larger but still feminine individual looked at me with somewhat forced pleasantness. Rather than a lab coat, they were wearing denim overalls with a plaid button up shirt. Their eyes had cat-like pupils and their ears came to a bit of a point, but the most striking thing about their appearance had to be the scorpion tail I'd caught the briefest glimpse of.
"Hello. Are you interested in learning about the positions available at our Dairy commune?" they cut off as their green companion stopped spinning and smacked their shoulder.
"Don't call it a fucking commune that makes us sound like cultists." They hissed under their breath before putting on a similarly pained smile. "Sorry about that, what my dear comrade meant to say was our dairy farm."
"What's wrong with cults and communes?" I afforded myself a bit of humor as I read their name tags. Deyha Bachman she/her, and Dr. Carolyn Davis, she/her.
"Nothing, in theory. But you never know." Deyha smiled more easily now, ignoring the grumbling of the doctor beside her. "Please forgive me for being so cavalier but I think we might have misplaced our booth in the whole job fair thing. I don't want to give you the wrong idea…"
"So this isn't a technical role?" I tried to keep my tone light as the doctor resumed spinning in her chair and groaned.
"Well, how to put this… we are actually looking for uh… female applicants?"
My heart sank. "Why the restriction?" my mind raced for ways to smoothly indicate that I wasn't a man, but it seemed like an idiotic thing to do while wearing this blasted suit and posturing myself to specifically avoid indicating that to others.
"Our farm is a bit… progressive? I guess you could say? We employ mostly modded folks to produce ah… humane foods."
"Oh." I could feel my face heat up as I looked at the pamphlets on the table for the first time. Milk producers. I'd certainly heard plenty about the gene modding advances in the recent years, but It was still rare to see people as heavily modded as the two women in front of me. "Is the gene modding uh… part of the position?"
The doctor stopped spinning in her chair and I felt like an eternity passed as she scrutinized me. "It is."
I pulled at the collar of my shirt as they both seemed to look much more intently. I wanted to run, but a desperation for employment fought valiantly against my desire to escape difficult situations. I picked up the pamphlet, and managed to open it on the second try. I tried to compose myself as I scanned the info.
"You're seriously considering it." Dr. Davis didn't even soften the accusation as if it weren't a statement of fact.
How did I reply to that? Of course I was considering it, but how would I save face here? Body modding was still as much outside social norms as anything LGBT. Already I'd taken too long to reply and the doctor's sly grin was growing all the more smug and confident. I wondered if she took me to be some sort of egg. It wouldn't be the first time, yet how out of the closet was I really? Even my resumes said "they/them" in small text as a half-hearted assertion, a compromise before even meeting resistance.
Deyha interrupted my train of thought as she pulled the doctor's chair away and shoved her unceremoniously toward the rear of the booth. "Please ignore my colleague. She's like a shark when there's a hint of blood in the water."
"You fucker-" Carolyn was cut off as Deyha covered her mouth and continued to address me.
"How familiar are you with gene modding?"
I felt like I was back on familiar ground. "A fair bit. I did some research when I was trying to start hormones but I got caught in a gap where insurance covered people switching and… I don't know. I got lost."
"Well, the good news is that the new single payer system is better, but gene modding is still largely considered a luxury procedure, even for gender affirming care."
Carolyn finally escaped Deyha's grasp and swiveled around. "I'll do it, I like a challenge."
"You don't have the clearance to-"
"I'll get the clearance, just you wait!" Carolyn seemed wild with excitement now and I worried we were becoming a spectacle.
Once again Deyha covered Carolyn's mouth and turned back to me. "Do you have some contact details you could give us? My colleague and I need to go through some due process on this."
"Uh. sure." I pulled one of my resumes out and double checked that all my contact details were across the top.
"Fantastic, we will get back to you."
I compulsively refreshed my email again, tabbing back and forth between windows in some sort of ritual to manifest the communication.
Instead, my phone rang. I picked it up without checking the number.
"Hello?"
"Hi!" A familiar voice came through, " This is Deyha, I'm looking to speak with Mx.O'Reilly?"
"Yes, Hi, that's me." I tried not to stumble over my words.
"Perfect. I just wanted to reach out real quick, because we are still in the process of verifying a few things but in the meantime we wanted to extend an invitation to visit the farm. Would you be available to come for an interview?"
"An interview? But how does that work if you aren't sure about… the position?"
"While there is much to figure out about the gene modding, we are also interested in your other skills."
I scoffed. "Other skills?"
"Well sure. Everyone here wears several hats. We're particularly excited about your CAD capabilities."
"I don't know…" I tabbed back to the map page. It would be at least three hours of driving each way, and I sure as hell didn't have money for a hotel right now, let alone the transportation. And on top of all of that, what if they never got cleared to mod me? It would be unbearable to work in such close proximity to luckier girls living my dream.
"We can spot you on travel costs." Deyha seemed to read my mind, and I didn't know what to make of her enthusiasm.
I realized I was searching for ways to say no when I really didn't want to. I wanted to say yes. All I had to do was say yes. "Alright. Sure."
"Perfect, does this weekend work?"
"The whole weekend?"
Deyha laughed "Just a day, goober. Why? Is it far for you?"
"I live on the other side of tristate, so it looks like three hours."
"Oh."
"Does that change your offer on travel?"
"No, no. I'm a gal of my word, that's on me for assuming, but we can make it work. In that case we can put you up in the barn for a night, don't worry, it's a proper guest room."
I hesitated. I wanted to believe that I was just that compelling of a candidate but months of fruitless job searching had shot my confidence to smithereens. Who really needed a CAD drafter on a farm anyways?
Fuck it.
"Sure, does Saturday night work?"
"Perfect! Yes it does! Where do you live? Ideally, I'd like to get you here with the train if you are comfortable with that, but I'm happy to pay gas and mileage if you need."
I rattled off my address and said goodbyes on autopilot. Was I really going to go through with this?
Two rideshares and a train later I was standing in front of an administrative building. So far I hadn't seen anyone out in the pasture, but I didn't really expect to see anyone out there in the first place, least of all grazing even if there was field work to do. I adjusted my backpack and slipped my hands into the pockets of my hoodie. The car that brought me was already kicking up a tan cloud of dust and I moved up-wind as Deyha stepped out the front door.
Now that she was standing I got a better sense of her size, she had probably remained seated before to not intimidate me. I was surprised that she was wearing a dress and leggings now, when her outfit before seemed more farm appropriate, but then I realized they weren't leggings. Fuzzy digitigrade legs ended in gleaming black hooves.
"Welcome Mx. O'Reilly, how was your trip? Can I get you some water or something to eat?"
I tore my eyes away from her legs. "Uh no thanks, I'm not really hungry." I lied. The coffee from the train was already starting to upset my stomach without some food to balance it out, but I wasn't sure what I would do if they offered me any of the "humane" produce.
"Well, if you change your mind I always keep a couple granola bars and jerky on hand." Deyha pulled a cloth bundle out of her pocket and extracted a strip. "The Jerky is soy of course, and the granola uses local honey, but we trade for the oats and such."
"Do you… not have meat here?"
"Ah. no. not really. Kinda defeats the purpose ya know? We export very expensive milk entirely on the premise of partially supplanting cows. It's not that we are just against animal husbandry but there's a market for alternatives."
"So you are all vegan?"
"Not all but most, yeah."
"There are exceptions?"
"Definitely, but I'm afraid that wouldn't apply to you."
"Oh. Can't eat meat if I'm making milk."
"Couldn't have said it better myself. But don't worry about that for now. Let me show you around." Deyha set off toward the cliche red barn next to the administration building.
"Did you sort out the whole clearance thing? Is Carolyn allowed to uh… do whatever it is she would need to do?"
"Yep." Deyha flashed me a smile. "You are officially eligible."
"Oh. Neat." something twisted in my stomach. I hadn't considered how it would feel for the whole scenario to actually be possible. Like, I had already somewhat wrapped my head around the concept of settling on a non-dairy role on the farm, just to have a job, but now I felt like the pressure was on. I had to make this work. I had to be the perfect candidate.
Deyha pushed open the door to the barn and a cool burst of air wafted out. It seemed to be half rec room, half cafeteria, half… barn. More halves than the total possible amount. somehow. There seemed to be about a dozen people chatting amongst themselves and none of them were nearly as heavily modded as Deyha or Carolyn. It was pretty chilly so it didn't surprise me that many were snuggling up with blankets in plush chairs or booths. Only a handful looked up to wave at the newcomers.
My guide led the way to a corner table where Carolyn and another lady played a board game.
"Welcome Mx. O'Reilly" Carolyn set her cards down. "I'm so glad you could make it out for the tour."
"I go by Maddie." I winced as Carolyn and Deyha raised eyebrows. "Sorry."
"No, no. You're fine, Maddie. We just assumed based on the resume. Can I ask what your pronouns are? Did we get your surname right?"
I picked at the seams of the inside of the hoodie. Now that I had ripped the bandaid off, I had to commit. Besides, this wasn't the first time I'd come out. How hard could it be?
"Yeah, it's Maddie O'Reilly and uh… She/h-they." I trailed off. I'd give myself half credit. Partial marks.
"Okay." Carolyn nodded. "That works. I can work with that."
"Shush you." Deyha stepped between Carolyn and me and then turned to face me. "What she is so indelicately indicating is that this all works better if you are willing to-" Deyha paused as if carefully selecting her words "-present in a more feminine–"
"I suggest forcefem." Carolyn cut in, much to the amusement of her board game opponent.
"Carolyn!" Deyha rounded on her. "WILDLY inappropriate." she turned back to me, already turning red in the face from exasperation. "I am so sorry, please, please don't take offense."
"I'm not offended." I felt better actually. All the tiptoeing on eggshells was starting to psych me out but the simple reminder that these were people who can make jokes was a real relief in an absurd way.
"Besides-" I shrugged. "You can't force the willing."
"Hell yeah Maddie!" Carolyn hollered with glee, holding up her hand for a high-five as Deyha groaned with renewed exasperation.
It took me a moment to realize that Deyha was going to leave her hanging so I pulled my hands out of my pockets and leaned across the table to pat her hand with mine.
"That's what I'm talking about!" she turned to Deyha "I love her, can we keep her? I want to keep her."
Deyha, in lieu of response, gently took my elbow and led me away, much to Carolyn's dismay. "Please don't encourage her."
"Sorry." I couldn't hide my smirk.
"And since I have to be the adult here I feel it's prudent to clarify that Carolyn's 'can I keep her' does not constitute a job offer."
"Ah, yeah. I took that with a grain of salt."
"Good. Good." Deyha sighed and rubbed her brow.
I tried to be patient as she collected herself, but I figured if anything would help it would be a subject change. "So what's with all the snuggies?"
"So glad you asked." Deyha pulled open a drawer and handed me a plush blanket." We keep the whole area pretty cold so the blankets are both for warmth and social comfort. The extraction harnesses are fairly modest, but I requested that they cover up further for guests as a courtesy."
"Oh, so they're hooked up to machines right now?"
"Yep. Our system uses a compressed air line that runs through the entire room and you can just plug in the harness wherever. It helps with noise and I feel like it's just efficient."
I didn't know what to say to that. I didn't genuinely think they stuffed the girls in pens and hooked them up to loud machines, but I also didn't expect the process to be so… casual.
"Does all the milking happen here?"
Deyha shook her head. "No, there's hookups in more private places and less portable extraction machines for folks who have sensory issues with the harnesses."
"Are sensory issues common?"
"Yes and no. Most of the folks here are on the spectrum. You know how it is with the intersection between queer and autistic folks. It's a queer place, so notions of 'common' and 'normal' aren't terribly useful here."
I wondered what else there was for me to ask. The thing I desperately needed to know was if I seemed like a good fit, but how was I supposed to interview for a community?
"I know it's been like, five minutes since I asked, but are you hungry now?" Deyha gestured to the kitchen area I'd seen earlier. Gigantic refrigerators lined the wall just like you would see on a cooking show and a couple guys in white aprons were chatting next to a buffet. She made her way over to them without waiting for me to answer.
"Hey Thad, Hi Jake. What's on the menu today?"
The taller one grinned at Deyha "same slop as always- ow!"
The shorter of the two had elbowed him as Deyha crossed her arms.
"Sorry, sorry, just a bad joke. Nothing out of the ordinary on the salad bar but for hot food it's chili and pizza."
"How do you manage that?" I couldn't hide my skepticism at the idea of vegan chili or pizza being any good.
"Very carefully." The shorter of the two chefs grinned and it was his turn to get elbowed.
Deyha rubbed her face with both hands this time, she seemed to be rapidly approaching her last nerve.
"What Jake meant to say is that the chili is mostly beans with other veggies and the pizza is peppers, onions, mushrooms, and olives today." The taller of the two, Thad presumably, grabbed a ladle and scooped a cup of chili into a mug. "Here, give it a taste. Tell me what you think."
I debated asking for a spoon for a moment but my stomach won out with impatience. It was damn good chili. Sweet and spicy with perfectly softened beans and a rich tomato base.
"Ten out of ten. No notes." I took another gulp, trying not to devour it as if I had been starved.
Jake shrugged. "I figured I'd peaked. Hard to improve on perfection."
"Ugh. the ego." Thad threw his arm around Jake's neck and messed up the shorter guy's hair.
"Hey! Easy! They're sensitive!" Jake wiggled out of Thad's grasp and set about delicately fixing his hair.
"Ah, sorry. Forgot." Thad gave Jake some space.
Deyha leaned toward me. "Jake is growing horns, it's his first mod."
"You didn't have to tell her it's my first!" Jake groused.
Deyha shrugged. "Sorry. Can I get a mug as well? I'm a little peckish."
"Can I get a mug as well?" Jake mumbled mockingly but he prepared another anyway.
"Where are you headed next for the tour?" Thad spoke up, leaning against the counter. "Have you shown her the facility?" he took on a mock spooky tone and wiggled his eyebrows.
"Fucking hell, everyones a comedian today." Deyha downed half her mug as though chili was something to be drunk, not chewed, and sighed. "The facility, as he so eloquently describes it, is our clinic. It's situated on the other side of the big house, the uh, administration building I suppose.
"What happens there?" I asked.
Deyha whistled. "What doesn't happen there, honestly. There's a track, gym, salon, oh-- and the mod center of course."
"You do the mods here? On site?"
"Mhmm. safer that way." Deyha finished her chili and gestured to the door. "Let's continue our tour."
Carolyn caught up with us halfway to the clinic, falling into step on Deyha's other side as we approached.
"Are you going to behave?" Deyha asked.
"Yes." Carolyn and I spoke in unison this time and Carolyn held up her hand for another high five behind Deyha's back.
"See? She's perfect. Offer her the job!"
I could see Deyha's jaw muscles clenching as she stared resolutely forward. After a long delay she spoke. "If you were wondering, that was not behaving."
Carolyn practically skipped through the entryway and waved her badge before pushing open a side door.
"Isn't this a bit overkill for a private clinic?" I asked.
"It's not a private clinic." Carolyn clicked her tongue "Someone didn't read the website very closely. Maybe I need to reconsider my stance."
Deyha stopped in her tracks, stopping Carolyn by proxy by gripping her arm. "Cut. That. Shit. Out."
I took another step away, partly out of instinctive fear, as Deyha pulled Carolyn close.
They didn't seem to be whispering but the expression spoke volumes. Carolyn flicked her eyes to me. "Sorry. I shouldn't joke."
Deyha released her arm and took a couple long, deep, breaths. She was once again composed when she spoke. "I was hoping this would all be going more professionally, but It seems we need to lay some cards on the table."
My heart sank, I wondered if I had really blown it by not researching enough.
"We, the farm that is, are prepared to offer you a place should you choose to join us. You already 'passed' to whatever extent you could, we are the ones bombing this interview, not you."
"I… What? I can… what?"
"If you still want to join us as a milk producer at the end of the day, the offer is formally open. There are conditions of course, but it is completely down to whether you want to join. I just want everyone to relax, perhaps me most of all…"
Carolyn leaned to the side and beamed at me. "She gets a little intense when she's stressed. That's my bad."
"Uh… all good? I think? So hypothetically if I did say yes… how do things go from there?"
"Excellent question." Carolyn skipped to step between me and Deyha, linking arms with her as she led the way forward. "Hypothetically, I would take a few samples, prepare a serum, and then we would begin a therapy regimen to initially modify your body and then maintain the modification afterwards."
"How long would the initial mod take?"
"You have no idea how impossible it is to answer that." Carolyn laughed. "It depends. On just… so many things."
"When can we start?"
Carolyn grinned "Hypothetically?"
"Okay, forget the hypotheticals. I'm sold okay? Sue me."
Deyha sighed. "I had a process. I designed an entire process to execute here but you had to go and… ugh."
Carolyn ignored her. "We can start today! We can do the samples now, and then tomorrow I should have the first treatment ready."
"That fast?"
Deyha cut in. "In all likelihood, yes. Carolyn is probably committing to an all-nighter."
"Damn right I am." Carolyn fist pumped. "I drank two energy drinks before coming here lets fucking GO."
The next morning I found Carolyn in the lab slightly more frazzled than she was yesterday. Her jet black hair had mostly escaped its ponytail and strands were caught up on her horns.
"Oh good, You're awake." Carolyn wheeled her chair halfway to me, then she turned around, grabbed her thermos from her desk, and wheeled toward me again. I caught the arm of her chair.
"Whew. Nice catch. Anyways. Good Morning!"
"Are you… okay?"
"Eh. Don't worry about it."
"Should you be drinking more caffeine right now?"
"Of course not." Carolyn took a long drink from her thermos. "This is water. I am going to bed after we are done here."
"I… see." I followed her as she wheeled back to her desk. "I don't want to be rude, but… are you sure you're in a state to be doing all this? Like is this safe?"
"Owch, but valid concern. I can hardly blame you." She pulled up a few windows and seemed to struggle to arrange them just so. "Let me explain.– no there is too much. Let me sum up."
"This-" she pointed at the right half of her monitor "-is your genome."
She clicked and dragged a similar window to the left half. "This is the proprietary Jersey genome modification kit."
She made a big show of pressing a button on her keyboard and a bunch of sections of the left rearranged themselves over the right side.
"And that… explains it?"
"Oh!" She slapped her forehead and hit another key. A progress bar flashed across for an instant but nothing seemed to change. "And that is the sex update."
"Is it actually that simple?"
"Fuck no. But nevermind all of that. This–" she tapped another button and most of the right side window, my genome, disappeared, leaving only her 'updates' as she called them. "This is the illusion that we will maintain in perpetuity."
"Illusion? It's not real?"
Carolyn waved a hand. "It's real, it's real. We are just going to apply a body-wide illusion that will change the instructions your body uses to keep you as you. You know, tissue regeneration, chemical balances… most of it is dormant code by now anyways so the first step is changing the building instructions and hitting print. Once your body has finished those instructions we will load up the maintenance instructions and then it's just a cycle."
"Why not just change the code?"
"Science/magic isn't there yet. Maybe someday."
"What if I stop maintaining the instructions?"
"Don't do that."
"But what if–"
"Do you know what happens to organ transplant recipients when they don't take their medicine?"
"No…"
"It's bad. Seriously though, don't worry about that."
"Uh."
"You're worrying. Shit my bad. Uuuuuuh okay." She grabbed a thumb drive and plugged it into the computer. A few clicks later she unplugged it and handed it to me. "That is everything a modder could need to maintain your genome."
"Everything?"
"Well, they would need the education background too but…" Carolyn wheeled back around and pulled up a chart. "This is the team that peer-reviewed your initial mods. I personally know half of them, but the other half have the credentials to check this stuff too. I'm not a solo act here, my work is checked against several others."
"Oh, well that's encouraging."
"I'll try to not take that as a resounding lack of faith in my abilities."
"I'm sorry, it's just–"
"Teasing. I'm teasing again. It's your body, don't ever let anyone do stuff to it that you don't want."
"Why go through all this effort for me?"
Carolyn stopped and blinked. "There's a bunch of reasons I suppose but the best one is probably… It's fun? It's like being handed a fun new puzzle, always a new challenge."
"I'm glad it's fun."
"It's also gonna make us sooooooo much money. Did I mention that I haven't slept recently? I think I should do some sleep."
Impatience battled guilt in my gut. I wasn't sure which was winning but I was definitely losing. So much effort on my account, but I so desperately wanted to ask for just a bit more. It felt like I was so very close to possibly being at home in my own skin for the first time I could remember.
Carolyn twisted back and forth in her chair swaying slightly as she seemed to be in her own little world. She stretched languidly, arching her back over the chair before standing. "Anyways. Your potion is… right there." she pointed at a purple vial sitting alone on a test tube rack. "Don't operate heavy equipment for 8 hours, call me if erection persists for more than 4 hours–" She trailed off as Deyha arrived. "And most importantly, have fun!" she held out her arms to Deyha. "Uppies!"
"Ah." Deyha pursed her lips. "Yeah she gets loopy when she's tired. Did she manage the whole explanation before losing the thread?"
"I'm… not sure."
"Fair enough." Deyha scooped Carolyn up as if she weighed nothing. "We can walk and talk, which serum is yours?"
I gestured toward the "potion" that had been pointed out to me.
"Excellent, bring that and let's go."
I held the lab door open for Deyha and hurried ahead to get the next door.
"Did she tell you what the first serum does?"
"I don't think so, no."
"Understandable. Well, usually the first one is pretty foundational so for you it's likely going to be primary and secondary sex characteristics. I assume Carolyn checked, but you haven't had any uh… relevant organs removed, have you?"
"I had my gallbladder removed a while back, does that count?"
"Surprisingly, yes, but not for this one." Carolyn mumbled.
"What does that mean?"
"Herbivores have different digestive systems so–"
Carolyn cut in "I'm gonna rearrange your guts."
"Damn it Carolyn, don't make me drop you. What she means to say is that digestive system changes are in the pipeline but not for today."
"Does she know that's a euphemism for–"
Carolyn cut me off this time. "Damn right I do."
"Hush." Deyha scolded her passenger and let me pass to open the last door out of the building. "What she means to inform you of is that this is a relatively small update, the bovine characteristics come later on."
"So I can just drink it whenever?"
"Yeah, just make sure you're sure you know? Once you start it can be dangerous to stop."
I drank the potion.
"Nice." Carolyn murmured. "Barely hesitated. What a powermove."
"Welcome to the club." Deyha nudged my shoulder. "The body mod club that is. You've always been in the cool kids club from what I can tell."
"Cool kids club?"
"The queer community, naturally."
"Thanks."