Dark Explorations

(Sofia POV)

“That’ll be $13.59.”

When I left the apartment, my first priority was to find something to calm my headache. A sleepless night and another argument with Alan was having its effects on my brain. I wanted to strangle the bastard and force all these thoughts I was once long past over to go back to wherever they came from. Except the bastard has the protection clause protection, so I’m forced to rely on tobacco. Luckily, there was a Shell just down the street from the apartment and they offered my usual reds. I swiped a stolen credit card and the transaction went through without an issue. The teenager behind the counter was this scrawny white kid with a blonde wispy beard, a mullet and a missing front tooth as he smiled at me. I grabbed my pack and turned around and left.

I didn’t really have a plan. It was a cool day so maybe I could just smoke in a quiet park or on the empty university campus. Maybe I’ll sleep on a bench if I can. It’s not like anyone could try to stop me. I was immune. Ironic how the only person who can blame me for anything is Alan and me. Why do I hate him? The more I think about it, the less obvious it becomes. He made the video without knowing I would find him or ever see it. He never intended to remind me of all these past events. Hell, I don’t even know why watching it made me remember them. He’s bossy, but not strict. If I think about it, it’s never anything worth being upset over. Fine, I’ll clean up my dishes, I did make the mess. Whatever, I won’t smoke inside, the lingering smell is bad.

I felt a wave of pain come over me and my body stumbled as I exited the building. My eyes closed tight as I tried to regain my mind. I stumbled towards my parked bike outside the gas station. Maybe I can blame this pain on him. I haven’t slept well since I moved in and the memories keep hurting my chest and head. I opened the pack and pulled out the first cigarette. I held it to my lips and lit it with my lighter. I inhaled the first of the tobacco and felt the pain in my lungs provide a bit of relief to the rest of my body. It relaxed and the miniscule easing of the pain felt satisfying. I breathed out the smoke with a sigh and found myself staring down at my bike. I stole it a year ago, a nice Yamaha painted black. I couldn’t tell you the exact brand, never really cared about specifics like that. Only that it worked well and let me roam free and fast.

Maybe I hated him because he wasn’t like this bike. Alan wasn’t roaming and living free. If I had to stay with him, I had to do the same. I couldn’t live as freely as I wanted to. I wanted to go place to place, causing chaos and dropping bodies wherever I went. That was freedom. Not just freedom from people, but freedom from responsibilities and consequences. All of a sudden, after a decade of a good deal, I got this job which now requires so much more responsibility and with someone who can finally lay down consequences. I chucked to myself and it caused a bit of the pain in my head and chest to return. I kind of sound like a spoiled rich kid who couldn’t get away with rape in college. The last time I felt so controlled was… when I had to kill Jonathon. When he was going to call the police on me. Maybe this is why I can’t help but compare the two. Alan at least isn’t trying to rat me out to cops, not like he even could.

I took another drag at the cigarette and let the smoke fill my body. I closed my eyes and tried to let the nicotine burn away my pain, but I was awakened by the sound of the gas station door opening. I opened my eyes to look and nearly began to choke as I coughed up the smoke. The woman who had just walked in, what did I see? I nearly tripped as I walked over towards the door to watch this stranger approach the teenager behind the counter. She pointed behind him towards a lottery ticket and he dutifully bought it for her. I swore for a moment that she looked familiar. She was in her fifties, maybe late forties, in a simple blue floral pattern dress. She had a hunch to her back that made an otherwise tall figure seem far shorter. Her black raven hair was cut short into a graduated bob shape. I blinked a few times to realize other details that I didn’t notice at a cursory glance. More wrinkles than expected, a wart by her eyebrow and a nose a bit too crooked, some history of drug abuse maybe.

I swear my mind must be playing tricks on me now. I can’t tolerate this any longer if I start hallucinating on top of the pain. I swear I saw my mother for a moment. That woman had her same look, the same type of dress she wore every Sunday for church and during those accursed marriage counseling sessions. She would do her best to look as pretty as possible as she explained to men how they needed to work harder and to women they needed to give them more and respect the male figures of authority. I could tell she sucked at her job, but she wanted me to take notes and learn how to be a ‘proper’ woman.

I stepped back from the door and walked back towards my bike. My knees were shaking as I walked and I grabbed onto the wall to steady myself. Why was this happening? When did I turn into such a mess? I feel like a teenager again. Get ahold of yourself, Sofia!

I grabbed onto my thigh and gripped it hard. It stopped shaking as I felt a mild amount of pain and pleasure enter my body from the bruise it would leave. I took another drag from my cigarette to steady my mind until I could stand again. Once steady, I turned towards the brick wall next to me and gave it a kick. I was disappointed as nothing more than a single hand-sized piece of brick broke off. I was about to try again when I heard the doors open. I looked to my side and saw the same woman walk out. She didn’t pay attention to me before walking in the opposite direction towards a parked silver sedan. I turned towards her and began to chase after her.

“Hey, lady!”

I called out towards her and she stopped to give me a confused look on her ugly face. She was a lot uglier than my mother, but I could see the resemblance. Like if I decided to drag mom’s corpse on the back of my bike for a couple miles afterwards.

“Can I help you?”

She asked in this tired southern accent. Mom didn’t have one like that, not as thick at least.

“How much did you win?”

I motioned towards the doors with my thumb. She looked confused and took a small step back clutching her purse.

“Nothing, I didn’t win anything.”

I rolled my eyes, I couldn’t tell if she was lying or not, but if I wanted her bag she couldn’t have stopped me.

“You know, you look like my mother.”

Her face morphed towards surprise and she straightened her posture.

“Oh! Well, I hope I only bring back good memories.”

She tried to give a friendly smile, but it came out awkward and crooked. I found myself chuckling at her response and smiling as well.

“Nah, she was bitch.”

Her smile quickly disappeared.

“Oh, I’m sorry to hear-”

I smashed her head in with the brick. A large chunk of her frontal lobe was immediately caved in and an eye popped right out of her head. She landed with a loud thud on the hood on her car and began screaming like a banshee. I walked over and raised the brick above her head and began to hit her again, and again, and again until there was a crater in her car hood and her ugly face was nothing more than a splattering of bone and flesh over a previously silver surface. I just kept going until I felt the back of my hand was caught by something, I looked over my shoulder to find that same teenager staring at me and holding me back. His face was terrified and he was shaking trying to get any word out of his mouth. When I met his eyes, he let go of me and stepped backwards. I stopped smashing in the woman’s cranium and looked at the boy. I asked as calmly as I could between heavy breaths.

“You got a problem?”

“I… I…”

He turned around and ran back inside the store. I threw the brick behind him, but missed and ended up taking out a security camera next to the door. The teenager locked the doors and immediately ran to probably call 911. He would call and there would be no one to even arrest. He would realize he couldn’t remember my face in a few moments. I wiped off my hands on my jeans of the dust and blood before walking over to my bike. I put on my helmet and turned on the ignition and left. That felt good, took a bit of the pain away too. I’ll go find somewhere to nap off this adrenaline now.