Dark Explorations

(Alice POV)

Oh god, I didn’t think this would happen. I know I wanted to be friends, but I didn’t think something like this would happen so soon. Your birthday is supposed to be something special, but I’ve never told anyone mine. I just wanted things to go smoothly so I could enjoy being in my digital space and not exposed to the excruciating pain of physical existence. Yet Alan is so kind and even offered to make me a cake. I don’t remember the last time someone offered to do that for me. What should I do?

It was still Sunday, a few hours before May 11th, my birthday. I was turning twenty-one. That was one of the last big birthdays one has as a young person. It was the day you no longer needed an ID to drink or smoke. It represented the final push into adulthood by those immature. Of course, for me that meant nothing. I could drink or smoke without consequences if I wanted to. I had never drank alcohol though, mostly because I never existed long enough to give it a try. What if Alan offered me some and I didn’t like it and threw up? God, all these scenarios where everything goes wrong keep flooding my consciousness.

I really did want to join Alan and celebrate my birthday with him. I wanted him to lavish praise over me and congratulations for the effort of simply surviving to my twenty-first birthday. For me, that was actually a huge thing to celebrate given the amount of times I tried to kill myself when I was a teen. It didn’t help that I loved cake. I used to love sweet things so much. Candy, soda, and pastries were some of my favorite things in the world before my contract. Sugar was my favorite drug to ease the pain of existing. I’m sure Alan’s cake would be delicious and so sweet too. He was always cooking or baking meals and treats which looked so good. It was always a temptation to steal a few cookies whenever he left them out to cool.

But could he even look at me while I’m there? I’m hideous and a mess. He couldn’t look me in the eye last time I saw him, though I couldn’t either. Morgan was right that I should have done more to take care of myself. I’m sure a doctor would not be hesitant to label me as anorexic. Alayna always teased me for being skinny and said I had an eating disorder. I knew I didn't, but I’m so skinny now she might be right. It’s far too late to try to become healthy by tomorrow. That wasn’t even the only problem. Those bags under my eyes wouldn’t disappear. My hair was a mess that I couldn’t even start to figure out. I guess I do need to shower as well. I could do all that, but I would still be me. I would still be that disgusting creature which makes people afraid and their skin crawl.

I can’t do this. I just can’t. I’m not ready. It’s too short notice. I need to tell Alan. It’ll hurt, but he made it an option for a reason. He’ll understand and hopefully not make the cake. This is the least I could, it’s better than simply ghosting him. I pulled up the cameras I had and found him in the kitchen looking through the fridge. His phone was in his pocket and he felt it vibrating and answered it. He set it on speaker mode and laid it on the counter while he continued his search for whatever he needed.

“Hey Alice, what’s up?”

He spoke in his usual cheery tone.

“Hey A-Alan, so… um… what are you d-doing?”

God damn it, why can’t I just say I can’t come in person. I had made a decision, but the moment I tried to say it out loud I just couldn't. I’m really a coward.

“Seeing what ingredients I have. It’s been a long time since I baked a cake so I wanted to do it from scratch.”

“From s-scratch? Is that d-difficult?”

He shook his head and had this wide friendly smile on his face as he looked towards the phone, like he was addressing me with intent.

“Nope! It’s a little extra work, but it’s definitely better than a store bought cake mix.”

“Oh, okay…”

Okay now is the time. Go ahead and say it. Be the bearer of bad news and let him down gently. It’s fine that his smile will go away. It’s fine that I’m telling him to not celebrate with me. It’s fine that I won’t get to see his smile in person as he wishes me a ‘Happy Birthday’.

“Oh yeah Alice, what’s your favorite cake flavor?”

“My f-favorite? Um… p-probably c-chocolate.”

This is not the plan! Abort! Abort! Tell him no!

“Perfect, I’ll make a chocolate cake then.”

“That s-sounds… nice…”

God damn it! Just say no! Why can’t I just be mean and say no to him?! He stepped away from the fridge and moved towards the pantry. His face lit up as he grabbed a small tin.

“I knew I still had some cocoa powder. Consider it done then, chocolate cake for the birthday girl.”

He turned towards me and gave a huge smile that made me feel hot within the servers. If I were there in person, I would be so red from this idiot. He’s such a dork and so kind that I can’t even fathom of saying no to him. My mouth just won’t allow it. I only managed to stumble out an affirmation and an excuse to get out of there.

“O-o-okay… I-I g-gotta go…”

Alan’s expression shifted too confused as I quickly ended the call. The regret hit immediately. Not only is he baking me a cake, he’s asking my favorite flavor? He’s doing everything he can to make me want to come in person. How can I refuse when he’s trying so hard just to make me happy? I wish so badly that I wasn’t like this. So afraid. So creepy. I did this to myself by letting body waste away as I stayed in these computers. It felt like there was no way to recover and every time I tried to exist in the real world it would make me so sick I wanted to run away again.

This is an emergency. I need to figure out how to attend my own birthday party. I need to somehow fix my appearance to not scare Alan while remaining unaffected by the outside world. It’s like two impossible tasks. I couldn’t even figure out where to begin. I needed help, I couldn’t figure this out. It’s not like I can ask Alan. Sofia would have no clue what to do and would make fun of me. Morgan would just tell me to suck it up and probably shower. She was right that I should, but it wasn't enough. How could I even remake myself in an entire day?

Well, there’s her. She could probably figure something out. She was a bully, but she might help. Not with tolerating the real world, but with reinventing myself. I really didn’t want to call her and ask, but it may be my best option. Maybe if I’m asking for her help, she would be willing to be nice to me. Or at least help while making fun of me. It was worth a try, I guess. I found her number and gave it a call. It took a few rings, but she eventually picked up.

“Why isn’t it dear Alice, it has been some time. Tell me, how may I help you?”

I wasn’t prepared for her overly friendly greeting. Her voice held the same spanish accent which I know she played up as she coyly asked about me. I tried my best to cover my stutter as I spoke.

“Hey V-Venus, I was hoping you c-could help me with something.”

“Oh? Is this a personal request? Not from the mistress?”

The inflection of her questions made it so easy to hear her smile that I didn’t even need a camera to check. I cringed internally, scared she would turn me down. Still, there wasn’t a point in lying to her, she would know.

“Y-yes, I want your h-help.”

She gave this high class laugh that gave me chills.

“What can a woman of many talents, like myself, do to help you, poor Alice?”

I expected her to use me asking as a way to boost her ego. She wanted me to spell out exactly what she was good at and then praise her until she agreed.

“I… want you to g-give me a m-makeover.”

I said it and bit my tongue waiting to hear her laugh. I expected her to laugh at me and say I was impossible. She would make me praise her before finally rejecting me and telling me I’m an unsalvageable monstrosity. I waited a few seconds and she didn’t reply. I spoke again.

“C-can you?”

“I… I’m sorry, I was just surprised. Why are you asking, Alice?”

Did I throw her off her game? Her usual smugness was gone and her accent only carried surprise as she spoke.

“It’s for… an e-event-”

“Oh my god, do you have a date, Alice?”

Oh god no, my code started to spark and I felt heat build in my body at the idea.

“No no no no! It’s my b-birthday and a f-friend asked to c-celebrate it with me! T-That’s all!”

I could hear her laugh from the other side and I wanted so badly to just hang up on her and pretend this wasn’t happening. If I didn’t need her help, I would have. She finally calmed down enough to speak.

“So you want a makeover for your birthday party with this ‘friend’? Do I have that right?”

“Y-yeah…”

She didn’t answer immediately and for a few seconds I found myself imagining all the bullying she could inflict on me if she told others. Venus was an unpredictable person. The only consistency with her was she had an ego and was willing to show why. She is a beautiful artist and could make some works even a taste-less individual like myself could see the talent in them. Her gory genius made it even more breathtaking due to the complexity of using humans as your medium. I honestly admired that from her. Add in that she was also unmistakably beautiful and took great effort into her appearance and choice of outfits, she was an epitome of beauty and knew it. She was all too happy to tell me how ugly I was and how my habits reflected that. I don’t know if she thought of it as being mean or as being helpful, but she was cruel either way.

“I have been thinking for a while how I could handle your… unique appearance. When is the party?”

“Um… tomorrow evening.”

She hummed delightfully. Her Spanish accent almost mesmerizingly controlled our conversation.

“Meet me tonight, I’ll have something prepared.”