Diary of a Teenaged Mimic

Dear Diary,

Y'know, I think I've finally gotten over that whole 'why the fuck are people looking at me to make decisions' thing.

Mostly.

Seriously, when I look back on me from three years ago, I was really fucked up in so many ways. I think what I told Darling Siobhan when I said that bit about me being a Hero is all down to her may be more true than I realized then. I wasn't lying to her or anything, but I was definitely leaning on my Trickster nature, telling her things that were both technically not lies and practically custom crafted to make her feel better about herself, and me, and the intersection of those two things.

But very shortly after I arrived I realized that just the thought of power put strong feels in my panties in that very special big girl kind of way. I'm not saying it doesn't now, but honestly it's not the same. Seriously, if it was, I'd never not be in the mood.

Shut up, stop laughing, I had a point to make.

I think the thing that appealed most about my lust for power and proximity to same was the Agency. Back in the day in Camden, ever since my mom died and my sister dipped, I had absolute Agency to decide any unimportant thing I wanted to. Seriously, when you're a functionally emancipated minor living on an allowance, the only thing you get to decide is what cheap assed food you're gonna order. I was the sole sovereign of stupid shit. The idea that I would be able to make real decisions that affected more than just me was heady.

Of course, then people started actually looking to me to make decisions. From the night I rescued Isnomi, Saffron's been in my corner no matter what I wanted. I want, she gets. I mean, fuck, she heard me singing about the fuckin' Space Battleship and not only found a way to make my Black Dragon fly, she gave it a spinal mount superweapon that can crack planets. She realized that I wanted to fulfill my Marvelous Maenad Maid Marie's desires, both for Sparagmos and Kitten acquisition, and she figured out a way to make both happen.

Then the Battle of the Walls, and boom, everybody's looking to me for shit. To make decisions about shit. Not because I'd shown myself to be good at making decisions, but because I'd stomped the shit out of the biggest local Army in such a way that the Commander In Chief of the second biggest one decided that I was more dangerous than his whole fuckin' military.

I mean, he wasn't wrong, but neither of us knew that at the time.

At any rate, it took me a long, long time to really get used to the thought that people were looking to me to make important decisions. Even more time to realize that people were looking to me to determine their core values. Shit, my whole assed Holy Book wound up one big joke, and while I tried not to be insincere about anything, which meant there's no lies in it, and having a prank as a Holy Book is just on brand for Tricksters like me and Dad, it's only a real 'guide to life' because of Saffron's Commentary.

Shit, so much of what we've done is like that. Fuck, she even told me so. I decide the destination, and she'll plot out the course.

Fuck, I'm really glad that when I've made jokes, they weren't the asinine bigoted 'jokes' some guys substituted for a sense of humor back in the day.

But it took me a while to really realize that people were looking to me for leadership, and it took me even longer to realize why, not to mention that they weren't gonna be dissuaded, and I'm only just now getting to the point that I can say 'okay, I may not be the wisest woman in the world, but at the very least it's very hard to intimidate or coerce me, so coming to me for advice on moral issues might not be the worst thing ever'.

Still kinda weird, but I think I may be vaguely starting to get over my imposter syndrome. Just a little. As a treat.

So yesterday was kinda fun in a physically active way. Ran the Cadets around the Practice Yard until they broke a sweat, then had them play old school Squadball all morning. After lunch we switched over to the lancasters; on the one hand they're a little harder to throw anywhere near as fast, but on the other the shape is that much more spear-like, and that wound up with a few 'forgot to duck' injuries. Siobhan was not thrilled with me.

Got home, got dinner in everybody, got everybody cleaned up, then handed Aoibh off to Marie and settled in for a soak with my surly Darling.

"Ice Pop?"

She sighed, then plastered on a smile and looked at me. "Yes, love?"

I shook my head and hugged her. "None of that, now." Before she could argue, I shook my head vehemently. "Nope. You're pissed at me. I can even guess why."

She opened her mouth. Closed it, pouting. Then, after a bit of a wait, she nodded.

"It's okay, Siobhan. You can be mad at me. But I'd rather you tell me what you're mad about, so I can fix things. Or if I can't fix them, at least explain why I can't."

She grumped a little, then said, "if you can guess why, why haven't you fixed it?"

I sighed. "Because I can't be sure until you say it, and if it's what I think it is, there's a reason why I can't." She looked grumpier, so I added, "please, Siobhan. Don't let this fester."

She grumped harder, then sighed and spat out, "Squadball."

I nodded. "Yeah, I figured as much."

"It's even worse with the new... What are they called again?"

"Lancasters."

She chewed air for a second, then barked out a laugh. "Really?" I nodded. "Well... The injuries since you've introduced those have gotten worse."

When she looked at me, I took a minute, nodding to let her know I'd heard her, but trying to find the right words. Before I did I asked, "anything you can't handle? I mean in both in the 'heal them fully' and 'tolerate the trauma of dealing with injuries' senses."

She frowned again. "I... I do not like seeing people injured."

"Yeah, me neither." She gave me the hairy eyeball, and I shook my head. "No, seriously, that's exactly why we play Squadball, and why I introduced the lancasters."

That caught her. "What?"

I smiled grimly. "Heroes get hurt." She opened her mouth, then closed it. Nodded once. "Heroes are expected to go out and do shit where they're putting themselves in danger to keep other people out of it." She nodded again. "Thing is, the most dangerous things they're gonna deal with that, y'know, can be mitigated? Are people or monsters trying to do unto them."

I waited until she said, "I guess so."

I nodded. "Yeah. There isn't much training to be done dealing with a forest fire, or an earthquake, or a hurricane. I mean, I'm sure there's training, but that's not the kind of training I've had or can do. But fighting people? Doing unto others who won't stand down before they do unto me or mine? That is my fuckin' core competency."

A smile twisted her lips, and she murmured, "agree to disagree."

"Huh?"

She rolled over, stared me right in the eyes, and said, "I believe fucking is your core competency."

Yeah, she's almost as good at making me blush as I am at doing it to her. When I found my voice again, I said, "okay, yeah, well. Maybe we'll revisit that later, but for right now, you get that I'm good at fighting, know enough to teach other people to be good at it, and know we've got to do that for our Cadets, right?"

She sighed, nodded, but then said, "but why not some safer way?"

I shook my head. "Yeah, no. That's kinda the point. On several levels."

"Please, I know you've said before, but explain for me again?"

I pulled her in, kissed her on the forehead, and said, "as many times as you need, Darling."

"Saffron?"

"Yes, Darling?"

"Does she do this to you?"

Before I could ask what, Saffron chuckled. "Tempt me to intimate activities when I'm annoyed at her and want an explanation? Constantly."

"What? You're constantly annoyed at me?"

She shook her head. "Not really. But a surprising amount of the times that I am? You wind up distracting me with sex."

I sat there with my jaw hanging open for a bit. Eventually I kinda squeaked out, "no, you!"

When they got done laughing, Saffron slipped over into our embrace. Eventually Siobhan said, "I would like the explanation, please?"

I nodded. "Okay, so if you practice combat, but it's all safe, and padded, and nobody can get injured? You learn that fighting is like that. Safe. Padded. And when you get into a real fight, not only are your reactions all wrong because of that? The moment you get injured, you're in shock. You're gonna break down, all your training is gonna go out the window."

She looked up at me and whispered, "did that happen to you?"

I shrugged. Nodded. "Kinda. Battle of the Walls."

"Really?"

"Yep. Totally lost my shit. Fortunately, my instincts are good, and I'd trained the whole 'do unto others' part until I didn't have to think about it." I paused with my mouth open, realizing something. "Hell, I'd even practiced ignoring pain."

It took her a second before she realized. Winced. "Your arm."

"Yep."

"I still wish I could have done something about that."

Saffron chuckled, the sound low and full of promise. As it broke into real, if hungry, laughter, she said, "oh, but you did, Darling."

"But... No, I... How?"

Saffron pulled herself up, looked Siobhan in the eye, and said, "Worship." Siobhan blinked. "Even before you realized she was a Goddess, you Worshipped her. Oh, it was Hero Worship, but it was Worship nonetheless. And the Soul Burn in her arm Healed. Didn't it?"

Siobhan four oh foured a little bit. "I... I did that?"

I smiled and hugged them both. "Yep. That was you, Siobhan Darling. Healed like half my arm without realizing?"

"Half?"

Saffron chuckled again. "I was rather Passionate and zealous about my Worship the night we were wed."

I leaned my mouth over near Siobhan's ear and whispered, "sure you don't want the wifey upgrade?" When she frowned, I smiled and added, "no pressure. You don't want, you don't have to take. You want, it's yours. Open offer."

"Don't the other two have something to say about that?"

"Whatever makes you think I disagree with our Tabitha?" asked Saffron.

Before Siobhan could reply to that, Marie slipped her claws around all of us. "Open. Offer."

Siobhan blushed and went a little nonverbal, so I decided to finish my explanation. "So to make sure that when our Cadets finally get in the field, and they're the only thing standing between some Monster, Human Adjacent or otherwise, and some innocent who needs protection, they are really ready to do so without crumpling the first time things go wrong? We have to let things go wrong in the Practice Yard. Where there's an instructor to call time out when somebody gets hurt, and an Infirmary waiting to patch them back up to full function when they get hurt." After a moment I sighed and added something I hadn't thought of. "Hell, that might be the most important lesson."

"What's that?" Siobhan asked.

"You."

"Huh?"

I shook my head. "It's the one thing I feel a little guilty about. A little. Because in crisis situations people don't always think, but they do generally follow their training. They react, hopefully as they've been taught. And in those crisis situations, our Cadets and Heroes are gonna jump in with the sure and certain knowledge that if they're not fast enough, not strong enough, not durable enough, Sister Siobhan Darling will always be there to patch them up."

After a second she quietly said, "but I won't be."

"Yeah. That's why I feel a little guilty. But... Only a little."

"Why?"

"Because in almost every case I can think of, almost every situation I've been in, every situation duBois and Loki and everyone else trained me for, especially the ones involving opposition? The key to winning with the least amount of damage taken is to jump in just like that. In a fight? Hesitation is death. And knowing you're gonna be there to Heal them, even or maybe especially when they're not? Means they don't hesitate. They just do."

"How do you know they'll do the right thing though?"

I shrugged. "That's why I teach them. What to do in any situation I can think of. And honestly, that's why we have them play Squadball, and spar, and all that other shit where it pits them against one another. Because they're endlessly creative when it comes to ways to fuck over their peers. Which is the other thing I gotta try to teach them, with varying success." When she nodded, I explained, "that all that shit stays in the Practice Yard. Once they're out in the field, they're all on the same team, and all that fuckery is for the bastards trying to hurt people."

She nodded, then sighed, and we floated there for a long time, the scalding water slowly melting the tension out of all of us. Eventually she whispered, "I'm... I'm very glad I am not a Hero."

I smiled, nuzzled her, and whispered back, "plenty Heroic enough for me, Darling."

When we got the kids to bed, Saffron hopped the three of us up to the Bedroom, shoved me into the Bed so I lay there face down, ass hanging over the end of the bed, and slid the drawer open. "So, are you still annoyed at our Goof?"

"A little? Maybe? But I shouldn't be."

I glanced up into the mirror at the head of the bed to see Saffron handing Siobhan my flogger. "Oh, we can't have that. You'll have to let all of that out. Like lancing an infected wound."

"But..."

Saffron stepped behind Siobhan, helped her grip the flogger's handle, then lazily swung it back, then brought it forward. No real power to it. Just lots of thudding. I swear I did not have to fake the noises that came out of me.

"See? She likes it."

"Do you really, Tabitha?"

I nodded. Vigorously. Because I'd kinda bit the sheets, and wasn't too certain about my voice.

So we spent part of the night with Saffron showing Siobhan the fine art of flogging Tabitha.

Then I spent the rest of it dreaming about my ladies cheering her on as they watched on the big screen, up to and including giving her tips.

Today I went down to my Troll Home Temple and taught Math. Kinda weird classes, broken into two parts. The first, which went until lunch, was both normal and weird. Normal, in that it was all kids. Weird, in that at least half of the kids were bigger than me, and all but three were at least my size. Jotnar kids and Troll kids. Neither group was real talkative, but the three mostly regular sized kids seemed to understand what the others didn't, so to speak. They'd ask questions, at least, and once in a while I saw them looking at one of the bigger kids as if to check and make sure the others understood shit. Good kids, for all that the class itself had a smaller headcount than what I was used to at the Temple of Love.

Then, after lunch, the adults showed up. One Jotnar, three Trolls who were 'training for promotion', and half a dozen Selkies. I didn't actually ask or Inspect them or anything; they stripped off their seal skins as they came into the room, hanging them up like coats. Kinda boisterous, but not in a terrible way. Also kinda naked, but mostly in a casual nudist kind of way. Given that the Jotnar wore a loincloth and the Trolls wore harnesses, it's not like Troll Home seemed big on full body covering in any case.

As the sun was approaching the horizon, Karen thought, pardon, Goddess, but your Champion has requested your presence.

Emergency?

After a brief pause, she replied, he would like to speak with you before you return home. It is a matter of Justice, and thus relatively urgent, but none are in imminent physical danger.

I sighed. I'll be there as soon as I wrap up class.

Like I mentioned, I'm no longer wondering why people are turning to me.

Still a little weird not being weirded out though.