Master of Minds, Master of Me

I hear the door suddenly open, and I look up. It’s Felix.

“Lo? Are you okay? Did you eat too much? Are you feeling sick?”

“No. I just wanted a break.”

“Are you sure?”

“Yes. I just felt a little bit like an outsider out there. You know I’m not the best at socializing.”

“Is that all?”

“Yes.” I lie.

Wait. But he will sense that I’m lying. Oh crap.

“Okay.”

Or not. Or did he? But did he just not care?

He comes to sit on the couch too, but not next to me. I move closer and place my hand on his.

“Thanks, Felix, for taking me with you here. I’m sorry if I’ve been too clingy. I’ve just missed you so much, and I can’t wait for our wedding. But I try my best not to interfere with your chats with your friends.”

He looks down, clearly averting my gaze, and pulls his hand away from mine. It feels like another dagger stabbing my heart.

“Actually, I need to talk to you about that.”

“About what?”

“The wedding.”

Judging from the look on his face, I’m not going to like what he is going to say. My heart plummets so deeply that it hurts.

“What about the wedding?” I ask with a shaky voice.

“I think that we should postpone it.”

Postpone it? The thought of that feels like ashes in my mouth.

I just stare at him, and he is still not looking at me. I can't stop my tears from starting to fall silently as I keep staring at him in shock. Have I really been the only one dreaming about our wedding? Knowing I will move to the Palace in two weeks has been my only lifeline. Being away from him has been horrible. I just thought he felt the same. But apparently, he didn't. Maybe he realized that life without me really is better.

“Lo? Please say something.”

“You don't want to marry me?” My voice is more like a whisper.

“Not yet.”

That doesn't comfort me at all. That not yet could turn into not ever. Then I’m left alone again. Just the thought of returning to that endless misery by myself feels suffocating.

“Did I do something wrong? Please, Felix. Tell me what I did wrong so I can change. I promise I will do better. Just tell me what I need to do.” I hear the pure panic in my voice. My tears are running wild.

He finally looks at me.

“No, it’s not about that. You did nothing wrong.”

“Clearly, I did, since you don't want me anymore. Is it because of the curse?”

“No! It’s because of my mana. It’s harder to push down. It grows stronger every day. I’m afraid that I’ll end up exploding just like every time. And I don’t want you to be there if that happens.”

“Are you sure it’s only that? You’ve been acting so distant this whole day.”

“It’s just hard to be around you. I can't hold myself back anymore with you. I don't trust myself.”

He really seems honest. I really hope it’s only because of that. I really can’t handle the thought that he wouldn’t want me anymore. The pain in my chest softens a little.

“Then don't hold back. I’ve said many times that I don't care if you hurt me. I like it.”

“I know you do. And it’s not about that anymore. I admit I struggled to accept the fact that I really am a sadist. But I talked with Theodore about it, and that actually helped me accept it.”

“Talking to Master Loneflare helped?”

It’s hard to believe the two of them having a heartfelt conversation about sex life.

Felix chuckles, and hearing his genuine laughter makes the pain in my chest even lighter.

“I know. It surprised me as well. He really has softened up after Jane came along. But even if I accept that part of me better now, I’m still afraid that my mana will end up erupting while being with you, since I can't hold it in at all with you.”

“There is still the chance that giving up control would make it calmer.”

“I’m not taking that risk. I just can't handle the thought of killing you. Even if it's only because of my mana exploding. I want to protect you cause I love you.”

Hearing him say that he loves me feels so good.

“But you said that we would face this together! Remember? I was supposed to be your plus one in the apocalypse.” I argue back.

“Back then, I really thought I could handle my mana. I really didn't realize how insufferable the thought of causing your death is. So I’m not pushing you away because I wouldn't love you anymore. I’m pushing you away because I love you so much. I want to protect you. Just like you wanted to protect me when you jumped down from that bell tower.”

I fall silent for a while. I do understand his point. It would be cruel to deny him something I myself have done.

“Okay. Let's postpone the wedding. I still hate it. I would rather be killed by you than anyone else. But if that's what you really want, I will comply. How much do you want to move the date?”

“In your previous lives, have I always ended up destroying the Palace at the same time?”

“Yes.”

“Do you remember the date?”

“October 11th.”

It’s almost three months from now. I thought we could live that small amount of time as husband and wife. As King and Queen.

“Then let's get married after that. If I survive that date, we get married.”

“What about your coronation?”

“I will postpone it too. My father will be furious. But I’ll convince him.”

“So we can't see each other until the wedding?”

“I don't know. I thought that I could be with you today with ease since we haven't seen each other for a long time. But immediately after I saw you, my mana woke up. And honestly, all I could think was to rip your dress off and mark your body all mine. To make you scream and cry for me.”

I swallow. Just his words and the thought of him doing that almost drive me to the edge of coming.

“And Lo. Please don’t get all lustful and horny on me. Your mind is going crazy, and that surely doesn’t help me contain my mana.”

I look down at my lap, fiddling with my fingers.

“Sorry… I can’t help it. It’s been so long.”

He tugs a strand of hair behind my ear. It feels good. I’ve missed his habit of doing that.

“I know. It’s not easy for me either. Three months, and then this is over. One way or another.”

I nod. Three months sounds like forever. And I hate the thought that if Felix really ends up dead again, I will not see him anymore in this life. But if that happens, I will jump from the bell tower again. I see no point in dragging my death out any longer if that happens.

Felix promised me that I wouldn’t need to die alone anymore. That we would die together. But I guess he changed his mind about that. I also broke my promise not to harm myself, so I can’t exactly blame him for that.

“What do you think will happen to Jane if we start this all over again?”

“I don't know. I’m worried about that too. That's one more reason I really need to spend all my free time training. I don't want to be the reason she disappears.”

“So what happens next?”

“I think I need to get back to the Palace. I really can’t contain myself for long anymore, not when you are here. I’ll ask Theodore to teleport you back home.”

“Already? But you look just fine.”

“That’s only because I’m using my magic to look fine.”

“Oh… Can I at least see you for real before you go?”

“Why?”

“If we really can’t see each other for three months, I don’t want the last memory of you to be a fake one.”

He clearly thinks for a while. But slowly, his appearance starts to shift.

I’m faced with his purple eyes, darker than ever. The whole air around him is overflowing with magic, just like it was that day when I jumped from that tower. And it’s not just the purple mana; the electricity is crackling, and the light blue of his water mana shimmers along with the purple. He actually looks far more possessed than the last time I saw his magic overflowing. But clearly, he is not so bothered by it. He doesn’t look like he is in pain.

I know I should worry about him. Of course, I do worry. But honestly, all I can think about is my body clenching with excitement. Oh, forgive me, God, I really have gone insane.

“Lo. You should be scared, not horny.”

Even his voice is low and dark. It excites me even more. Have I really turned into some pervert who can only think about sex?

“I’m sorry…” I mumble, averting my gaze. “Does it hurt?”

“No, not really. It just feels like the mana is forcing itself out of me, like there is huge pressure inside me. So I know I’m handling it a lot better than last time since it doesn’t hurt, but I know I can’t keep this up for too long.”

“Isn’t there anything I could do?”

“Yes. You could ease up on the lustful thoughts. I’m not sure whether I should be worried or excited that you really are such a dirty flower.”

I look at him shyly under my lashes. “Maybe both?” I suggest with a faint smile.

His hand shoots to my throat, and in a second, I’m pinned against the couch. Just feeling his hand around my throat ignites my body and soul on fire.

“Fuck, Lo. You have no idea how your shy act riles me up. I fucking love how easily that shyness turns into something dirty. So weak, every goddamn time.”

I rub my thighs together. The air crackles around him even more.

Knock knock.

No. Why does someone try to get in now? I want to feel him more.

“Felix? You are soon going to burst my Tower if you don’t relax.” Master Loneflare’s voice comes through the door. I guess he sensed Felix’s mana overflowing a little too much.

I see Felix's expression change, like he really is struggling to decide what he should do. I want to kiss him, make him crack so he would take me. But I know he doesn’t want that. So I dig for the tiny bit of reason left inside me.

“Felix. You need to get up.”

His eyes focus on me, looking more present, so I continue convincing him.

“You were going to the Palace. You need to ask Master Loneflare to take me back home. You wanted me there so I could be safe, right?”

He blinks a couple of times, his hand leaving my throat as he gets up.

“Sorry, Lo. As I said, I can’t hold myself back. Thanks for helping. Even though it’s quite obvious from your mind that you weren’t eager to do that.”

“I just want to help you, Felix. It doesn’t matter if my desires go against your wishes. If you want me to push you away, I will. Because I would do anything for you, Felix.”

“Felix? Do I need to burst in there? I really don’t want to see you naked, so I’m warning you.”

Felix heads toward the door.

“Relax, I’m good. And fully clothed.”

He opens the door, and Master Loneflare and Jane both step into the room.

Oh God. This is so embarrassing. It’s their engagement party. I can’t believe we caused a disturbance here. I just sit on the couch, feeling so awkward. I try to use my sleeve to swipe all the fallen tears away. Once again, I feel the need to bury myself underground to hide.

“Jesus Christ, Felix. What’s up with the air around you?” Jane says, waving her hand in front of her like she’s trying to clear the air or something.

“Sorry. It was a bad idea to come. I didn’t want to cause any trouble. It’s your big day, after all.”

“Trouble? I don’t think you can call a party a real party without a little bit of drama. It makes it more exciting. So did you talk things through?”

“Yes. Thanks for pushing me to do it.”

Jane pushed him to do it?

“No worries.” She comes to sit next to me on the couch. “There really are some serious problems with men in this world. You really have some fucking kink for keeping secrets and deceiving us women. Am I right or what?” She elbows me while giving me a wink.

She is very straightforward with her words. I really don’t know how to react to all of this, so I just nod.

“Sorry for stealing Felix for a dance. I just wanted to confront his bullshit behavior.”

I stare at my lap, extremely nervous about this odd situation. “It’s okay.”

“Felix told me that you were jealous when we danced at your engagement party, so that’s why I wanted to explain things.”

My cheeks flush red. I can’t believe Felix would tell her that. Oh God. I really want to escape this situation. I keep silent, since I have no idea what to say.

“You know Felix. I totally understand now why you said you think her shyness is cute. She really looks like the most adorable little squirrel. I could just grab her and put her in my pocket.”

“No.” Felix and Master Loneflare both say in extremely stern voices.

And my awkwardness only grows.

“Jesus Christ, Theo. You can’t get jealous over a girl. I swear if you even think about tearing her limbs off, I’ll end you.”

I gulp. Tearing limbs? I knew I was scared of him for a good reason.

“And Felix, I’m not actually going to do it, so just chill the fuck out. If you haven’t noticed, my type is more like an arrogant, annoying serial killer type.”

Master Loneflare just smiles smugly. I really don’t understand why. Shouldn’t he be offended that his fiancée called him that?

“This situation really is a little too weird even for me. But I think I really need to go now. Theodore, can you take Lo back to her home?”

Master Loneflare grunts. I have no idea whether that's a yes or no. Jane turns toward me and answers without me asking it out loud.

“That’s a yes, by the way. It was a slightly less lower grunt, and that means yes.”

I just nod, still not sure what to say.

Felix approaches me and kneels before me, once again tugging a strand of hair behind my ear.

“I’ll keep writing you letters every day. And I promise I will come to see you if I improve enough with my mana handling. So just wait for me, okay?”

“I will. If there is anything I can do, just ask.”

He takes my hand and kisses the back of it.

“I will. I love you, Lo.”

“I love you too, Felix.”

Felix stands up, bids farewell to Master Loneflare and Jane, and exits the room. Silence falls, and the awkwardness returns. Master Loneflare slowly walks closer to me, and my hands start to sweat.

“I didn’t want to ask this while Felix was here. But what’s wrong with your soul?”

A huge lump rises in my throat. I totally forgot how he sensed something wrong about me in our last life. I didn’t realize that he would sense the same thing again. I stare at my lap, panic rising.

“Theo! You will scare her if you keep acting like that. And what do you mean, there is something wrong with her soul?”

“I don’t know. That’s why I’m asking. I just know there is something odd about her.”

Jane turns to look at me.

“Are you aware that there is something odd about you?”

I nod.

“Is that the reason why Felix’s mana goes crazier around you?”

I shake my head.

“You really don’t say much, do you?”

“I’m sorry. This whole situation is just rather awkward for me.”

“I get that. So the thing that is odd about your soul, do you know what it is?”

I nod.

“Do you want to talk about it?”

“No, not really. At least not yet.”

“Okay. Just remember, we are happy to help if you need us. Anything for Felix’s adorable fiancée.”

Master Loneflare lets out a displeased grunt. I’m not sure if it’s because of the offer to help or because Jane called me adorable. I raise my gaze to look at Master Loneflare. Since he is here, I might get some information from him regarding Felix.

“Do you really think he can contain his mana?”

“It honestly doesn’t look good. But I’m trying to invent something that could prevent him from exploding.”

“Exploding?” Jane butts in. “Explode like an arcaneburst? I didn’t realize that was even a risk for him.”

“It’s a possibility if he doesn’t learn to calm himself.”

“October 11th,” I say quietly.

They both turn to look at me with questioning expressions.

“Don’t ask how I know. But that’s the most likely date he will explode. He knows that too. We promised we would face that day together, but he changed his mind and forced me to stay away from him. I don’t want to. I don’t care if he ends up exploding or not; I still want to be there when it happens. So I want to ask for two favors.”

“You want to be there even if it means you die?” Jane asks.

“Yes.”

“What do you need?” Master Loneflare’s compliant response surprises me momentarily.

“First, I want you to be alert on that day, in case he needs you.”

“And second?”

I really hope he says yes to this one. Because I really need it.