Master of Minds, Master of Me

It’s been so many weeks, but I still haven’t seen Felix. He really is just a huge liar. He said that he would come to see me. That jerk. I honestly wouldn’t want to be here at all. I would have wanted to stay in the Palace with him.

I have a private tutor here, teaching me about queenly duties almost every day. I have tried my best to sink myself into my studies. They serve as a distraction. And of course, I have spent much time with Belia. But even her joyful attitude can’t make me forget this void inside me.

I talk with Felix only by letter. At first, I kept asking him to come see me. I kept asking about his mana and trying to convince him that I really don’t care if he ends up hurting me. But I think it only made him shut himself in even more. And I really don’t want to cause any more trouble than I already have. So I stopped, and now we talk only about things that have happened to us or something I have learned. Like we are pretending that nothing ever happened. That we were just a normal couple about to get married.

But today is going to be a great day. Since I’m finally going to see Felix. It’s going to be Master Loneflare’s and Florentia’s engagement party. I mean Jane’s, not Florentia’s. I’m still struggling to call her by her real name. I haven’t actually seen her either, not her real body. So I’m excited to see how she's really like.

I really am so happy for those two. Their path to happiness really was more complicated than I predicted. But they reached it. Actually, I’m dying from jealousy. I can only hope that we can reach that ending with Felix.

I’m in the carriage, heading toward the Mage Tower. I’m a little sad that Felix didn’t come to pick me up. But he is probably just busy, and Lintel is pretty far away. So we are meeting in front of the Mage Tower. I don’t have access in there, so I need to go in with someone who does. Which is, of course, Felix.

My heart is pounding as I see the Tower. Soon I’m going to see him. I’ve missed him so freaking much. There are only a couple of weeks until our wedding. So I just try to hold on to my sanity until then. Because after that, I will move to live in the Palace, and I can see him every single day. Felix’s coronation comes right after the wedding, and he is going to be officially the King. And I’m going to be Queen. His Queen.

Even though the thought of being a Queen is still scary, it also makes me happy. Just because I can be at Felix’s side.

I get up from the carriage and immediately spot Felix standing near the gate. I run toward him. His bright smile upon seeing me melts my heart and soul. Like all these suffocating weeks without him, instantly just melt away. I practically jump toward him, wrap my arms around his shoulders, and hug him. I feel like crying from how good it feels to finally see him.

“Felix! I missed you so much! You look stunning as always.”

His hands tighten around me, pulling me close.

“I missed you too, pretty flower. I hope the carriage ride wasn’t too exhausting.”

“Nothing would be too exhausting if it meant finally seeing you.”

I press my lips against his, pouring all my pent-up feelings from these past weeks into the kiss. He responds, but it feels different. Like something is off. He feels stiff and tense. I withdraw to look at him.

“Felix? Are you alright?”

He just smiles at me.

“Of course I am. I’m always alright when you are around.”

Liar. He clearly is not. And my heart aches knowing that. It feels like he really wasn’t that excited to see me, like I was to see him. I want to ask more. To dig out what’s wrong. But I don’t want to ruin this day. This is going to be a happy day. I have waited for this day for so long, so I won’t ruin it. I force a smile onto my face.

“Ready to go, then?” I ask.

“Yes. Have you ever been in the Mage Tower before?”

“No. I tried to ask to see Master Loneflare many times in my earlier loops, but I was never granted access.”

“Theodore? Why would you want to see him?”

“I thought he might know about curses, as he did.”

“Oh, good. For a moment, I was scared that I needed to be jealous of my best friend.”

“We are literally going to your best friend’s engagement party. I think you’re pretty safe in that regard.”

“Yes, in this life. But I could never know what happened before. Maybe you had a crush on him or something.”

“Trust me. I have never had a crush on anyone, ever. Not until you started pestering me.”

“Good.” He leans closer, whispering in my ear. “Since I’ll get jealous easily.”

He kisses my neck, and I instantly feel my pussy start to throb. Oh God, it’s been way too long since I last felt him, like really felt him.

We enter a huge ballroom. I know magic can do a lot of things, but it’s just ridiculous to think that this room fits inside the Tower. Master Loneflare clearly went a little bit overboard. He really is madly in love. We settle in the front of the room, near some mages who are closer to Jane and Master Loneflare.

“Good to see you, Neil!” Felix greets someone happily.

I recognize him from the time Felix was treated in the Mage Tower in our last life, but of course, he doesn’t remember me.

“Pleasure to see you, Your Highness. I see you brought your fiancée with you. Lovely to meet you. I’m Neil Elrindel. I work as a physician in the Tower.”

I bow to him politely.

“Pleasure to meet you, Doctor Elrindel. My name is Lorelia Helesantra. I have heard many great things about you from Felix. I’m honored to meet you in person.”

“His Highness is probably just too kind with his words, as always. I heard from Master that your wedding is approaching shortly. I want to congratulate you beforehand on your marriage.”

I was just about to answer, but Felix speaks before me.

“So, did you find any use for the dragon corpse?”

Doctor Elrindel clearly startles at the sudden topic change, but they start to converse about the matter. I fall silent, barely focusing on what they are saying. Of course, it’s nice that Felix is able to see people he knows and catch up. But I can’t help but feel a little disappointed. I want to talk to him too, not only through letters.

Maybe he doesn’t have the same need to talk to me. Is he already so used to being without me that he doesn’t need to be with me anymore? I stare at him, talking to others as more mages join the conversation, and Felix’s hand slips from mine. I know it’s just a hand, but somehow it feels like more than that. It feels like a dagger hitting my heart.

Am I really just too clingy? Am I overreading this? This is the first time we’re together in public, if you don’t count our engagement party. So I don’t really know how he usually behaves around others in public. Maybe he just wants to keep his image more professional.

Soon, an announcement rings out, and we see Master Loneflare and Jane step in. Oh God, she looks amazing. It’s clear from her facial features that she really is not from Barham. Her silver dress shines so brightly. But even that shine pales in comparison to the smiles they are both wearing.

This really is total romance-novel material at its best. I actually started writing a novel myself, mostly just to make time pass faster. It’s based on their story. But of course, I don’t know everything that happened, so I invented some parts myself. It’s a secret no one knows. And will never know. I’m sure Master Loneflare would end my life if he found out about that book.

I grab Felix’s hand in mine as we watch them dance. He wraps his arm around my waist and pulls me closer. And I feel like I can breathe again. Maybe I really was overreading the situation.

“You want to dance?”

I nod. Anything that allows me to be close to him. I’m still not a fan of dancing. But I’m too desperate to have him near. When the first dance ends, we join in as well.

“How’s everything at the Palace?”

“Same as usual. Ted keeps pestering me, and father keeps nagging. We finally managed to get a new parliament member to fill Duke Callum’s spot, so a little less work for me.”

“That’s amazing. You could surely use a break. I’m worried you’ll burn out soon with all your work and training.”

“I’m just fine, Lo. No need to worry.”

I’m starting to hate that word. Fine. It’s like a crime to him to be anything other than fine.

“Felix, it’s okay to not be fine. I just hope you can relax today and enjoy yourself. You have no idea how long I’ve waited for this day. To be able to be with you after all this time.”

“I have to admit, I’m honestly a little surprised that Theodore really managed to find a woman who would be with him voluntarily.”

It stings a little that he clearly just wanted to change the subject, but I’ll play along. I’m not going to ruin today with my worries.

“I do agree. Have you met this Jane person after she received her own body?”

“A few times. The first was when she suddenly appeared during the monster campaign and charged into the Dark Wild after Theodore. I swear, I was sure Theodore would kill me for not being able to stop her. I was already worried enough about Theodore going there alone. Since I knew about the dragon there. Seeing her charge in was even worse. But I wasn’t fast enough to force him to take me with him or fast enough to stop Jane from going in. She really is insane enough to be with Theodore.”

I can't help but be jealous that even Jane has seen Felix more than me.

“So, what is she like?”

“She curses a lot, yells at Theodore a lot, and punches him a lot. So I’d call her a pretty lively person. But she is a pretty happy person overall and gets excited very easily.”

“Sounds eccentric. I can’t wait to meet her.”

The music fades out, and we head toward the food. I haven’t had much of an appetite at home. I’ve just been too worried and sad to eat. But now that Felix is finally here, I feel like I’m starving. We eat with good spirits, and everything is delicious. But it’s a little weird that there are, like, five different cheesecakes here. Is cheesecake in fashion or something?

Even though Felix talks to me, I can’t shake the bad feeling. He doesn’t talk to me like he used to. He doesn’t feel relaxed, and he looks happier when conversing with other people. But I ignore the feeling. I’m just overthinking it. At least I hope so.

“I’m so full. I’m sure I’ve never eaten this much,” I say with a smile while leaning against the wall.

“I’m glad you have an appetite. I was honestly a little worried when I saw you; you’ve lost weight.”

I avert my gaze, feeling rather embarrassed. “I know.”

“Do you dislike the food back home?”

“No. The food is fine. I just haven’t had much of an appetite.”

“Why? Have you been sick?”

He looks worried. And it honestly feels good to know he worries about me. Like some kind of reassurance that he still cares.

“No, I haven’t.”

“Then what is it?”

I’m not sure whether to tell him the truth or not. I don’t want to make him feel guilty, but I don’t want to lie either.

“Felix! I’m so glad you made it!”

Jane approaches us with a wide smile. Perfect timing. Now I don’t have to decide whether to lie about my eating or not.

“Jane! Congratulations on your engagement. I still don’t understand how you tamed the beast, but I’m glad you did.”

“People keep saying that to me, but honestly, I have no clue what you mean. He’s so out of control all the time and listens to nothing I say. Like I’m just a gust of wind blowing into his ear or something.”

Felix chuckles. “I can understand why you’d think so, but trust me when I say you’ve really toned him down.”

Master Loneflare appears behind Jane.

“I honestly doubt that a gust of wind would have such a foul mouth as you, Lady Mist.”

Jane visibly startles at his sudden appearance.

“Jesus Christ, Theo! Stop giving me the creeps.”

“It’s not my fault you’re horrible at sensing your surroundings.”

“How can a tank like you even walk so silently? Should I put a bell around your neck or something?”

I have no idea what a tank is. But they feel so close. Talking so informally. Even though they’re clearly teasing each other, their love is visible in their gazes and body language. I watch the three of them conversing while standing behind. I feel like an outsider. Should I just leave? Felix talks to them so joyfully; he wasn’t like that with me. Not anymore. It stings that he isn’t including me in their talk. And I’m too shy to force myself into the conversation.

“Lady Lorelia, was it?”

I lift my gaze and see Jane standing closer to me. I startle a little and bow properly.

“Yes. I’m delighted to meet the real you, Lady Jane. Congratulations on your engagement.”

I’m glad that they allowed Felix to tell me the truth about Jane. Of course, I already knew the truth. But they didn’t know that. It would have been horrible to pretend that I didn’t know that she was Florentia.

“Thanks. I’m happy you two came. I honestly thought we’d just be eating a nice, small dinner with a few people. But Theodore went a little overboard. How are your wedding plans coming along?”

“Well, I’m actually not participating much in planning the wedding, so I honestly don’t know. But it’s in two weeks, so I trust everything has gone smoothly.”

“Really? What about you, Felix? Do you participate in planning the wedding?”

Felix looks rather uncomfortable. “No, not really.”

“I really don’t understand all this noble bullshit here. It’s just weird not to plan your own wedding.”

I glance at Felix, but he avoids my gaze. What is wrong with him? I don’t understand.

“Is everything okay between the two of you?” Jane suddenly asks.

Master Loneflare elbows Jane. “Ouch! What was that for? Sorry if I’m being too blunt. But judging from Felix’s words, I thought you’d be all lovey-dovey. So I’m just surprised that you are not.”

Oh God. This is so embarrassing. I want to sink into the ground.

“We are totally fine. You know I have to act differently in public,” Felix answers.

There it is again. Fine.

Is that really the reason? I want to believe him, but somehow I can’t.

“Okay. Do you want to dance, Felix?” Jane’s question surprises all of us.

“Dance? What? Why?” Felix asks, clearly looking at Master Loneflare, who is gritting his teeth.

Jane grabs Felix’s arm and drags him toward the dance floor.

“Come on. I need to talk to you.”

I stand frozen, just watching them go with Master Loneflare.

Oh God, this is so awkward. I have no idea if I should talk to him or not. I know he doesn’t like small talk, so maybe it’s best to stay silent.

“Don’t overthink it.” His cold voice startles me.

“Wh-what?” I mumble.

“Felix’s behavior. Don’t overthink it.”

Is he trying to comfort me? Does he know something I don’t? Has Felix talked to him about us? I wish Felix talked to me too. And how can I not overthink it when even they noticed something is off?

I hate this. I hate being left out like this. The air suddenly feels suffocating. I want to get out.

“Is there a break room I could use?”

Master Loneflare leads me there, and I immediately slump onto the couch. Without permission, my tears start to fall, probably ruining my makeup. I sit there for God knows how long. I should gather myself and go back. Even if Felix’s feelings have changed, I still want to see him while I can. So I need to suck it up and wallow in self-pity later. There are only two weeks until I move to the Palace. I’m sure we can talk things through then.

I pull my legs up onto the couch, bury my face in my knees, and focus on breathing and calming myself. Come on, Lorelia. You were so good at hiding your emotions. Being a statue was easy. But clearly it’s not anymore.