Master of Minds, Master of Me

I’m so confused about everything that has happened lately.

The monster campaign has been a pain in the ass, but it has also served as a great distraction since I’ve been fighting there pretty much. Monsters have been pouring out of the Dark Wild; the dragon is probably chasing them away. I have been able to focus on sword fighting and try to calm my mana there. My mana is as wild as ever, but it still helps me keep my focus and not let my thoughts spiral into darkness.

Then suddenly, Florentia’s soul went back to her own world, causing Theodore to go berserk and destroy so much land that even I was surprised by how much of a beast he really is. I was furious. The thought that Florentia could die because Theodore might burn her was unbearable. Luckily, he didn’t kill anyone. And when he told me that the reason for it was to draw God’s attention and force her to help him get Florentia back, I softened. I would probably do the same for Lo. So I understand.

So now Florentia is back in her own body in the Mage Tower, but she isn’t waking up. Theodore, of course, has been miserable because of that. He has finally realized his feelings toward her too. Took him long enough. I have tried my best to be there for him. To distract him. And honestly, I have wanted to distract myself too.

I told Lo that I would visit her. But I haven’t. I’m too scared that I really would hurt her in a way I’d regret. Or, in the worst-case scenario, kill her. I hope she doesn’t hate me too much. I just need to get my mana under control. Sword fighting isn’t helping much anymore. Maybe it would help if I could really let it all out. Like that one time in my previous life with Theodore.

Hmm… not a bad idea. I grab the communication stone and let my mana flow.

“What do you want, Felix?” His voice is as grumpy as ever.

“Good to hear your excited voice, Theodore.”

“That didn’t answer my question.”

“Want to train with me?”

“What?” He sounds surprised.

“You’re the only one who can challenge me properly in a sword fight. I thought we should spar.”

He falls silent for a while, probably suspecting that I have some alternative motive.

“Fine. But one condition.”

“Oooh, exciting. What is it?”

“You tell me the real reason you want to spar.”

His words shock me a little at first. I can’t help but chuckle. He is rarely curious about my business. He clearly has changed a lot lately. Probably thanks to Florentia.

“I can’t help but be pleased you asked that. My best friend knows me so well. Are you perhaps worried about me?”

He falls silent, probably annoyed and gritting his teeth. If he says something like that, how can I resist teasing him? He can only blame himself.

“Will you have a heart attack if I say yes?”

Umm… What did he just say? Is that emotionless lump of goo really worried about me? Did his soul change too, or something?

“Okay, who are you and what have you done with my Theo?”

“No nicknames.” His voice is angry.

“Oh, so it really is you. Just wanted to make sure,” I chuckle, honestly amused. “Meet me at the palace training grounds in an hour. We’ll talk then.”

I finish my work and head off to change my clothes. When I arrive at the training grounds, I’m shocked to see that Theodore is already there. It’s been only fifty minutes since we talked, so he’s ten minutes early. Well, that’s a first.

“Ooh. Were you so eager to see me that you came early? I love you too, Theodore.”

He answers with a glare so potent that I honestly think it could kill me for a moment.

“If you called me here just to spout utter crap, I will go back.”

“Sorry, sorry. Couldn’t resist. I thought that now that you have finally admitted your feelings toward Florentia, you would finally confess how much you like me.”

He swings his sword, and a huge flame flies toward me.

So cute.

I catch it with my water magic, suffocating it instantly.

“Feeling reckless?” I ask.

“Just felt like burning an annoying fly buzzing around me.”

“A fly?! Ouch. That hurt. I get it when you call me a rat, but a fly? Shame on you. But I actually am more than okay with being reckless. And I wanted to ask if we could go fight in that desert where you always go to vent.”

“The desert? Is your mana acting up?”

“Yes. Honestly, it has been for a while. I just didn’t want to bother you since I know how much you already have on your plate. So I want to fight against you seriously. Let my mana take over. But I don’t want to risk destroying anything around me.”

A magic circle appears beneath me, and soon we are standing in the desert.

“So does that mean you’re finally going to fight while using your magic to enhance your strength?” He grins. He really is a little psycho sometimes.

“Yes.”

He swings his sword onto his shoulders.

“I’ve been waiting for that for a long time. You’d better give me your all then.”

I laugh a little. “Oh, I will. But don’t be mad at me if I beat you.”

He suddenly charges toward me, and I barely dodge.

“Woah, woah, woah. Shouldn’t we first say something like ready, set, go?”

He charges again, and our swords clash. I let my magic flow and push his sword back.

“We came to fight, not to talk.”

“Hey! What happened to all that ‘you tell me why you want to spar’ thing? I thought you were worried.”

Fighting against him in the desert really is challenging. The sand sinks beneath every step, making each movement harder.

“I can ask that after I’ve beaten you.”

I smile. Happy that he still wants to talk about it. I haven’t confided in Theodore about anything concerning Lo. But I have a feeling I really need to talk about it with someone. Maybe letting everything out will make me feel a little better. I don’t need help or advice. I just need someone to listen. I promised myself I wouldn’t bury my negative emotions anymore. And Theodore is my only friend, so he is the only one I can talk to.

The air grows thick and heavy while we fight. There is so much magic lingering in the air that it’s starting to feel hard to breathe. I force Theodore to activate his barrier many times. It’s even easier than last time, probably because I’ve been training much more in this life.

Seeing Theodore struggle is addictive. And I’m pleased to notice that even while letting my mana flow, I don’t lose my reason. When I feel like I’ve vented enough, I end the fight like last time. I break Theodore’s sword cleanly in half.

“Jeez. You owe me a sword.”

I laugh, amused. His reaction is exactly the same as last time. His face is priceless.

“I owe you nothing. You told me to give my all, and I did.”

I slump down onto the sand, exhausted. Theodore does the same.

“I guess I need to train even more then.”

“Well, it’s only because of my magic. Without that, I could never scratch you.”

“So is your mana better?”

“Honestly? Not really. I mean, yes, I’m more in control now. But it’s still more potent. I’m afraid it’s impossible to suppress it any further.”

“If you’re more in control, why do you need to suppress it?”

“It still draws things out of me that I don’t like.”

“Like what?”

Okay, saying it out loud is way harder than I thought. What if Theodore thinks I’m a freak?

“Umm… let’s just say it makes me do something to Lo. Something I don’t want to do. Not really.”

“Who is Lo?”

“Lorelia.”

He stares at me, confused. I shouldn’t be surprised that he doesn’t even remember her name.

“My fiancée.”

“Oh. So what things?”

Do I really have to say it out loud? I usually have no problem talking casually about sex, but this feels different. I take a deep breath and force the words out.

“My mana takes too much control during sex, and it makes me want to hurt her.”

“And?”

I stare at him, completely confused.

“And what? I think the problem is pretty obvious.”

“So she dislikes it?”

“No. Not exactly. But I don’t think she understands how much I could do to her.”

“I still struggle to see the problem. If you want to hurt her, then hurt her.”

I slam my hand to my face. I should have known he wouldn’t see any problem with this. He is a little psycho after all.

“But I don’t want to hurt her. I love her. It makes no sense to want to hurt someone you love.”

“Why do those two have to rule each other out?”

“What?! Of course they do! It makes no sense to hurt someone you love!”

“Jeez, relax, Felix. It’s just a fetish. Nothing more. There’s a difference between wanting to hurt someone, like ripping someone’s arm off when they start squeaking in your ear, and wanting to make someone bleed and scream from pain during sex.”

I just stare at Theodore. Make someone bleed?

“Why do you sound like you’re talking from experience?”

“I am. You have no idea how much I’ve planned to make my little cat cry from pain when she finally wakes up. I want to make her bleed and mark her body all over. I don’t care how much it hurts her, as long as she gets the same amount of pleasure afterward.”

I’m not sure whether the shocking part is that I’m really talking about sex with Theodore, or that he can talk about hurting someone as if it’s the most natural thing in the world. But hearing him say it like that is strangely comforting.

“Don’t you ever fear taking it too far? Hurting her too much? Traumatizing her?”

“I wouldn’t say I’m afraid of it exactly. I won’t know her limits until I pass them. But she’s easy to read. I’d know if I went too far.”

“Well, I’m afraid I won’t know.”

“With your illusion magic, it should be easy to sense what she thinks.”

“Yes, but I don’t trust myself to stop even if I sense she’s hurting too much. The mana makes me lose my reason sometimes. What if I kill her?”

“Kill her? That’s pretty extreme. So you don’t like her after all?”

“What?! Of course I do! I love her, for fuck’s sake. That’s why I’m worried.”

“Felix, you’re not making sense. Your mana doesn’t make you do anything you don’t actually want. If you don’t want to kill her, you won’t. And if you do, it won’t be because of your illusion mana.”

“I guess you’re right. But there’s still a chance I can’t contain three affinities forever. One day, I might just burst. And if she’s near me, she’ll die.”

“True. Is your mana really acting that strangely?”

I wouldn’t be worried if I didn’t know about the future. Lo said I’ve killed my Queen every single time. I can’t shake the feeling that I will kill her. If not during sex, then when my mana explodes. It feels like destiny, something I can’t escape. And I don’t want to tell Theodore that I know what’s coming. If Lo dies, everything resets. And what happens to Florentia then? Would her soul ever return to this world? If Theodore knew her existence was at risk, he’d kill me himself. Making sure that I won’t cause Lo’s death. And he would lock my pretty flower somewhere, making sure that she wouldn’t ever die.

It’s kind of sad to think that my best friend would end my life. But I know he would, in a heartbeat. I exhale heavily.

“It’s not like I think I’ll burst right now. But I believe it will happen someday. I still don’t know how to calm it, and you can’t suppress it anymore either.”

Theodore furrows his brows, and I sense sadness from him. That surprises me. Seeing him care about my death makes me strangely happy.

“I’ll figure something out if that happens.”

I chuckle. “I know you think you’re some almighty mage, but not everything is possible. This is my problem. If I die because of it, it’s my fault.”

“You can’t die, Felix.”

“Why not? You’d have one rat less squeaking in your ear.”

“I’d still rather not lose my only friend.”

“I’m not your only friend. You have Florentia now. Or whatever her real name is. I’m sure she will wake up soon.”

“Are you jealous?”

“Me? Jealous? Of course not! I have my pretty flower too.”

“Do you? You haven’t visited her once since she left the Palace.”

Well, that stings.

“You could be more gentle with your words. I’m not visiting her to protect her.”

‘’Protect her? Or protect yourself? You just have to accept the side that the mana brings out, not fight it. Who knows? Maybe accepting it will make it calmer. We have always tried to find a way to push the mana down with force. Maybe it will never calm down if you yourself don’t accept it.’’

I look at him like he has grown five heads suddenly.

“When did you become so emotionally supportive?”

He laughs. ‘’I guess falling in love really changes people.’’

My eyes widen with excitement. “Oh, my cute grumpy mage has really grown up.”

‘’Call me cute again, then I will end you right now so you don’t need to worry about bursting anymore.’’

Still so cute. I stand up.

“Okay, okay. Thanks, Theodore. I appreciate you listening.”

“If I’d known we’d discuss your sadistic sex life, I’d have skipped this. It’s ridiculous that you would be worried about something like that. I really question your intelligence once in a while.”

“I think it’s more worrisome that you fantasize about hurting someone who is literally in a coma!”

“That’s unrelated. I worked hard to mark her as mine. It pisses me off that her skin is suddenly so clean. No proof of us even existing.”

‘’I’m rather pleased that she got her own body back. She doesn’t have to live with Florentia’s scars anymore. Don’t you think that’s a good thing?’’

‘’If you put it that way, then yes. I hated to see marks that some other man had left. From now on, all the scars in her will be purely made by me.’’

Okay, this guy really is insane. Listening to him really does make me look like a fucking saint sometimes. But I feel better. Knowing that I’m not the only one who gains huge satisfaction from causing pain. Maybe I really just need to accept the fact that I'm a little sadistic.

‘’Sure, whatever you say, huge psycho.’’

He lifts his brow at me.

‘’I would watch your mouth since I’m your only way out of this God-forsaken desert.’’

Shit, he is right.

‘’Sorry, slip of my tongue. I meant to say, whatever you say, bestie.’’ I smile widely.

‘’That’s even worse.’’

‘’Hey, come on! You just admitted that I’m your only friend a few minutes ago! Doesn’t that mean that we are besties?’’

‘’No. It means we are friends. Take it or leave it.’’

‘’I’ll most definitely take it!’’

Soon, I’m back in my own room. Talking with Theodore did help. I guess I don’t feel that guilty anymore for enjoying seeing her in pain. But I’m still afraid that I will kill Lo. I can’t just get rid of that fear. It’s just a fact that every time we have sex, my mana grows more potent and shoves my other affinities out. So if I do end up bursting someday, suffering some kind of Arcaneburst. I’m sure it happens with her.