Master of Minds, Master of Me

“Lorelia! A letter came from the Royal Family!”

My heart aches to hear Belia yelling that. Receiving that letter has never felt this bad.

“Belia! Give me that. It’s rude to open someone else’s letters. You have to contain your curiosity,” my father scolds, as always.

I rise from my chair and head downstairs. When I step into our living area, Belia jumps with excitement and clings to my dress.

“Sis! You need to open it, now now now!”

I usually always laugh softly at her, but this time I don’t. I force my usual gentle smile.

I open the letter and read it out loud. Belia’s eyes widen with joy as I read the invitation to the Selection. She starts yelling that she is going to be the sister of a Queen. I crouch down to talk to her like I always do.

“Belia. I’m not going to be a Queen.”

The words feel harder to say this time, like they get stuck in my throat.

Her eyes lock onto me with disbelief.

“Why not?”

“I will request permission not to go. You know my life is devoted to God. I live here to serve Her.”

“But siiiiiis. Being a Queen is so much more fun! I bet you would wear so many pretty clothes!”

I get up and face my father, who looks at me with pride. Last time I felt happy because of it. This time I don’t. I feel nothing. My father comes next to me and hugs me.

“You truly are our blessing, Lorelia. The God of Creation could never ask for a better follower than you.”

My heart stings. I’m not a blessing. I’m the curse of this whole world. I’m utter scum. I force my smile.

“You are exaggerating, Father. I’m just as good as anyone else. I will go write the response right away.”

Belia yells after me, trying to change my mind like always. I walk to my room and write the usual response. I grab my cloak, put it in my pocket, and head toward the city.

It’s been one year, seven months, and thirteen days.

One year, seven months, and thirteen days without him.

One year, seven months, and thirteen days, and there hasn’t been a single day I haven’t missed him. Not a single day without the pain in my heart. But this is only the first loop after what happened, so it takes time. I wonder how many loops I have to live through before this pain gets milder.

Five? Ten? A hundred?

I imagine Felix saying that. Just like how he asked how many orgasms it would take for me to call him Felix. Imagining his voice and playful smile brings a faint smile to the corner of my lips. I kind of hate now how stubborn I was about not calling him Felix. But my regret doesn’t change anything.

I stop by the lake on my way, waiting for that little girl to stumble and almost drop into the water. Soon her laughter echoes in the air as she runs past me and stumbles. I grab her in time.

“Careful. Falling in is dangerous, the current is quite strong.”

She turns to face me, the shock clearly visible. But soon an awkward smile spreads on her face, like always.

“I’m sorry.”

Her mother comes running and gives the usual thanks. I keep walking toward the city. I do what I always do: help the lady with the fallen groceries, buy fresh flowers for my windowsill, and go visit the orphanage on the way.

I walk past a little church that I visited last time. Probably the cause of why I strayed from my path and forgot to send that letter. I won’t make that mistake again, so I keep walking.

I wait for the elderly woman to cross the street, the one I almost failed to rescue last time. When I spot her, I walk over and ask for directions to the post office. She gives them with a smile, and I continue my journey, knowing the carriage has passed and she is safe.

I stand in front of the post office, the letter in my hand. And I freeze.

If I just put it back in my pocket, I could go back to the Palace. I could see Felix again. The thought of doing that makes my heart beat faster.

No. I should not go there. It doesn’t solve anything. It doesn’t help me break the curse.

But I want to see him so badly. Only a glimpse would be enough. Just a little peek at his shining blond hair, his ocean-blue eyes, and blinding smile. Would going there really be that bad?

It was clear that Felix got interested in me since I acted so differently from the others. I tried to avoid him, and that only made him more curious about me. He never showed any attention to the girls who treated him normally.

When we were stargazing with Felix, I actually asked him why he ever befriended Master Loneflare when he is so cold and blunt. Felix told me that he likes it when people act bluntly toward him. I was extremely blunt toward him at first. So maybe if I just go there and act like any other girl, he will never notice me. He would never be interested in me if I were just like the others.

I thought that being cold and distant would be the way to get out of his radar, but it was apparently the way to get into his radar.

If I go there, I know it might have a negative effect on breaking my curse. But I know it will take many loops to get back to being honestly devoted and content. So what does it matter if I just add one more loop to that? Maybe it would be easier to let go of Felix if I could just see him once more. And maybe if I see him close to other candidates, it will make it even easier, when I see in real life how he chooses someone else to be the Queen.

My chest aches at the thought. I hate it. I still don’t want to be a Queen. But I still want to be with Felix.

What if Felix notices me anyway? If I act like the others, would he still notice me? Is there anything noticeable about me? No. I don’t think so.

But is going worth the risk? What if I still cause him pain again?

Crap. I don’t know what I should do. I was sure I wouldn’t go. But now that I really have to give the letter, it feels like such a hard decision to make. And I really want to see him.

“Lady Lorelia? Is it you?”

I turn around and see Hans, carrying some large boxes. I smile at him, an honest smile. I have been seeing him pretty regularly in the city, and I think I could call him a friend. He was important to me at the Palace too. But now he is even more important. Maybe because he is the only thing that connects me to the Palace. Hans moved to the capital a while ago, so I haven’t seen him for a few weeks.

“Hi Hans! Missing Lintel already that you came to visit?”

“Part of me will always miss Lintel. But I came just to fetch some last things that were stored in my cousin’s house. I just fetched some boxes so I can pack them.”

“I see. So how’s the capital? Have you enjoyed it?”

“I have. We have settled in nicely, and the people are very kind there too. I’m still getting used to working in the Palace, since everything is much stricter there, which was expected.”

“I’m happy for you. And I’m sure everyone at the Palace is too, for having someone like you work for them.”

“You are kind as always. But I have to admit that I have missed talking to you. If you ever visit the capital, feel free to contact me.”

I fall silent, looking at the letter in my hand. What should I do?

“Lady Lorelia? Are you alright? Is something weighing on your mind?”

“No. I mean yes. I have some trouble deciding what I should do.”

“Does it have something to do with the letter you are holding so tightly?”

I loosen my grip. I didn’t realize I was holding it so tightly.

“Yes.”

“May I ask what it is? Can I be of any help?”

Should I tell him? There shouldn’t be any harm in telling him. The Selection is common knowledge after all.

“I got an invitation for the Selection.”

His face lights up. “Really? That’s amazing. That would mean it’s even easier for you to come see me since we would be in the same place!”

“That’s true. But I’m not sure I should go. I already decided not to. This is a letter to ask for permission to drop out. I was going to just deliver it.”

“And now you are not so sure anymore?”

I nod.

“Well, let’s think about it this way. Why don’t you want to go?”

I’m not sure how I can say this vaguely enough.

“Firstly, I really can’t be a Queen. Secondly, I’m afraid that my presence would cause problems for someone there.”

He looks at me like he clearly wants to ask more, but luckily for me, he doesn’t.

“Okay. Then, how about why you want to go?”

“I really want to see someone in the Palace. And I kind of want to see the garden and the greenhouse there.”

“I’m pretty sure that attending doesn’t mean you have to become the Queen. I’m sure even if you got picked, you could also say no. And about you causing problems for someone, how sure are you about that?”

“Not sure at all. If he doesn’t notice me, I think I won’t cause any problems.”

“That’s pretty vague. But I have a feeling you are not willing to tell me more details. Do you think this person will notice you?”

“I don’t know. I think I could just act in a way that wouldn’t catch his attention.”

“His? So it’s a he. Well, is it really that bad if he does notice you?”

I nod. “It will cause nothing but harm to him.”

“Okay. But still, your reasons for wanting to go make more sense to me. You rarely get the chance to visit the Palace. It could be a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity. So why not take it? It would be nice to see a familiar face in the Palace. So I might be a little biased when I say that you should go. But just listen to your heart and your feelings.”

I know what my heart and feelings want to do. But I don’t know if I should follow them or not.

“Want to go grab some coffee while you ponder your decision? My treat this time, since you treated last time.”

I tuck the letter into my pocket.

“Sure. Sounds like a good idea.”

“Lorelia, Lorelia!!!”

I gulp. I hope I made the right decision. I open my door, and Belia barges in with a letter in hand.

“Sis! A letter came from the Palace again! They must want you as a Queen!”

“Don’t get too excited, Belia. I’m not going to be a Queen. I’m just going to attend the Selection.”

Her eyes widen.

“You are?! I thought you didn’t want to go. But you are going! This is soooo exciting! I’ll tell Mom and Dad that you are going to be a Queen!”

“Belia, don’t—” But it’s too late. She is already out the door. I sigh deeply and open the letter.

Lady Lorelia, we welcome you to stay at the Royal Palace during the Queen’s Selection.

Oh please, God. Please don’t be too mad at me. I just really have to see him. I promise, after this loop, I will leave him alone. I will focus solely on You after this.

I head downstairs. I guess Belia already told the news, but I should tell them too. I enter the drawing room, where my father is reading a book, and my mother is embroidering, while Belia runs around yelling that I’m going to be a Queen. My father’s eyes immediately snap to mine when I enter.

“Lorelia. What is Belia talking about? I thought you asked not to attend. Did they deny your request?”

“No. I actually never sent that letter. I was going to, but when I was at the post office, I decided not to. I just forgot to tell you.”

My mother gets up, smiling brightly.

“Honey! I’m so happy you decided to go! I’m sure it’s the right decision.”

My father gets up too, but he doesn’t look too pleased. Then I remember what Belia told me that one time, that my father didn’t want even Belia to visit the Palace. That he was worried I would become the Queen.

“Lorelia. I think your decision to withdraw was the right one. I’m sure if you ask them now, they will let you stay home.”

They won’t. Been there, done that.

“You might be right. But I’m just too curious about the garden and the greenhouse there. I’m not really interested in becoming a Queen. I don’t even want to be a Queen. I just want to go see the Palace. Experience new things.”

My mother hugs me tightly. “You have no idea how happy that makes me! I’ve been so worried about you lately. Locking yourself in the temple so much. I’m glad you are getting your old spirit back.”

My old spirit? I have no idea what she means. But I’m glad that at least my mother approves of me going.

My father comes closer. “Darling. Don’t try to force her back to her old habits. She has been acting so admirably lately. You should encourage her to continue on her righteous path, not make her stray from it.”

His words plunge deep into me. I really am straying from my righteous path again. And this time I’m doing it willingly. Just out of pure selfishness. Just because I want to see him. Why am I always making the wrong choices? I should have just delivered the letter. Why would I let my feelings sway me? I know better than that.

“You shut your mouth. Can’t you see that you’re making her doubt her decision?” my mother snaps.

“Yeah, dad! Don’t butt in!” Belia joins in.

Mother frowns at Belia, probably wanting to scold her a little, but she lets it slide and continues.

“You know how devoted Lorelia already is. She does way more than anyone else in the temple. Even I have never been as devoted as she. And I don’t see you scolding me about what I do. She should experience life outside the temple. You had your own share of traveling through the world, exploring different historical cities when you were young. So why would you deny Lorelia from experiencing the things she wants? She is only nineteen, and you treat her like she is the same age as you. You need to stop putting so much burden on her shoulders. She needs to have fun sometimes.”

My father looks rather remorseful. “I know. But I’m just so happy that she has found her place in the temple. What if she does end up being selected as Queen?”

“Then she is selected. It doesn’t matter what you or I want. The only thing that matters is what she wants.” My mother turns to look at me and smiles warmly. “Please, honey, just ignore your father. He clearly doesn’t remember what it means to be young.”

I just look at them both, not sure what to say or think.

“Siiiis! Please go! And then tell me everything about it! I’m so going to brag to all my friends that you are there. And when you are Queen, can I have my own room in the Palace? It would be sooooo cool.”

I can’t help but smile at Belia. She really is so adorable. I hope she never loses her spirit. Like apparently I did.

My father speaks next. “I’m sorry, Lorelia. I didn’t want to pressure you. Of course, you do what you want. The temple can always wait for you to come back home.”

I still stay silent. So is it okay that I go? Is it okay to be a little selfish?

“So, sis, are you going to go?” Belia asks with puppy eyes.

I just nod.

She starts to run around the room, yelling that she is going to have her own room in the Palace. She really is hopeless sometimes. My mother hugs me again.

“Fantastic choice, honey. Now show me the letter. Let’s see what we need to prepare for the Selection. You definitely need new dresses.”

I open my mouth to argue about that, but she lifts her finger before I even say anything.

“Shh! Don’t try to argue back. You only have white ones. We need to get some colorful ones. White is too plain for the Palace.”

Last time I did argue back even more, and eventually we bought only one new dress, and that was white too. But since now I need to blend in among the other candidates, it’s probably better to have colorful ones. I guess the white one stood out a little too much in the first meeting. So I keep my mouth shut and let my mother fuss about everything.

In seven days, I will be back at the Palace.

In seven days, I can finally see Felix.

In seven days, maybe this huge hole inside me will fill just a little bit.