Master of Minds, Master of Me

When I see the Palace from the carriage window, my heart rate rises once again. Soon I’m going to see him. I know that the first meeting is going to be short, and then I have to wait until later in the Selection, when the meetings between Felix and the candidates begin. Maybe I could manage to get a glimpse of him somewhere, like in the training grounds, perhaps.

I’m escorted to my room, which is the same room as previously. When I step inside, it feels good and familiar. Soon after, Milna comes in.

“Lovely to meet you, Lady Lorelia. My name is Milna. I’m going to be your personal maid during your visit at the Palace.”

I’m so happy that they gave me the same maid as last time. It makes me feel more comfortable.

“The pleasure is all mine, Milna. I trust myself in your care.”

“I’ll do my best, my lady. First, you have some time to settle in comfortably. Soon there is going to be the first meeting among you candidates. Lessons will start tomorrow. I will help you unpack.”

We unpack my things, and then I’m left alone to wait for the first meeting. I step out onto the balcony to gaze over the garden. My heart races just from the thought that Felix is somewhere here. I hope I can keep my mind in check around him. I can’t let it race or show my affection toward him too much. I’m not sure how easily he will sense my emotions in a room full of women.

After the meeting, I could go out into the garden like last time.

Should I visit the church in the morning too? Or would it feel just too empty without Felix? I’ll think about it later. Right now, I need to focus on not getting Felix’s attention. I need to act like the others, not avoid him like last time.

My excitement only rises when Milna escorts me to the meeting room. I barely listen to Count Trive talking, since I already know what he is going to say. All I can think about is that soon Felix will walk through that door.

“That’s all the information for today. If you do have any questions, you can always ask your maid. If they don’t know the answer, they will relay the message to me. But before we let you settle down in your rooms, you have the honor of meeting the Crown Prince. After today, you will only see him later in the Selection, when the meetings between him and the candidates begin.”

I think I stop breathing as I stare at the door, waiting for him. When the door finally opens, I feel like I can really breathe for the first time since I died.

Felix steps into the room wearing the same attire as last time. He looks perfect. His blond hair shines under the light, his ocean-blue eyes glisten, and his smile is as blinding as ever. I do my best to calm my racing heart and not let my thoughts spiral out of control.

“An absolute pleasure to see you all here. I’m Felix Barham. I do hope you enjoy your stay at the Palace. I appreciate your desire to be here as one of the candidates. Your efforts will not go unnoticed.”

His voice alone melts my heart. Oh God, how much I have missed him. I just want to run to him and hug him, to say I’m sorry for the misery and pain I caused him. But I know I can’t. He doesn’t remember me, and he doesn’t remember the harm I caused him, which is a good thing.

This time, I don’t look at the floor. I keep my eyes on him. I don’t think I could avert my gaze even if I wanted to; he is too captivating. I feel like I need to memorize every inch of him while I can. I promised that in the next loop, I won’t come here, so I need to watch him while I still can.

Suddenly, his eyes lock onto mine, and my heart stops beating for a moment. He smiles his charming smile, and I feel my cheeks flush. I’m apparently still so weak. We stare at each other for a short while. It probably lasts only a few seconds, but it feels like a small eternity. For a moment, there is only us in the room.

When the candidates begin introducing themselves, he moves his gaze away from me, and I let out a heavy exhale.

I fiddle with my fingers nervously while waiting for my turn. I’m wearing a red dress today, and I feel a little insecure about it. I mean, I like it, but I’m so used to wearing white that it feels strange on me. Will Felix think I look odd? He has only ever seen me in white, after all.

What am I thinking? This Felix has never seen me before, so he doesn’t know I usually wear only white.

I focus on him, watching as he politely greets every girl in the room. This time, Count Trive doesn’t forget me. I hope that means I’ve succeeded in blending in with the others.

My heart beats loudly in my chest as I step forward to stand in front of Felix. Just his gaze makes my entire skin tingle. I take hold of the hem of my dress and bow gracefully.

“Greetings to the little sun of the Empire. My name is Lorelia Helesantra. It is an honor to meet you in person, Your Highness.”

It feels strange to call him “Your Highness” when I had already grown used to calling him by his name.

I straighten up and startle when he speaks to me.

“Lorelia, huh? Why haven’t I seen you before?”

I look at him, honestly surprised that he still asks me that, even though I acted so differently this time. But maybe his question is just curiosity, since I’m probably the only unfamiliar face here. I give a slightly longer answer so he won’t think I’m blunt and get excited.

“I haven’t really joined high society. I spend most of my time in the temple, serving God.”

Looking directly into his eyes while we talk is driving me crazy. I can’t help but let my gaze drift down to his lips, thinking about how they felt against mine.

“The temple?” he asks, smirking.

“My father is the High Priest in the Grand Temple, so the temple is my second home.”

“Well, that certainly explains it. Knowing that makes me regret not visiting the Grand Temple more often.”

I gulp. Somehow his words comfort me, knowing he clearly doesn’t remember me. Like confirmation that the pain I caused is truly gone. He really is free from me. But I can’t help the bitter sting in my chest, because I’m not free of him. I’m not sure if I ever will be.

“The Crown Prince is a busy man, so I think we should let him return to his duties.”

I return to the line, unsure whether I feel happier or sadder. I keep staring at him, and his eyes lock onto mine once more before he exits, just like last time.

I hope it doesn’t mean that I caught his attention too much.

I return to my room, and after dinner, I ask Milna to take me to the garden. She shows me around, and I pretend that I don’t know anything. Then I remember that last time, when we first visited the greenhouse, Felix came there. He said he was passing by, saw the greenhouse door open, and wanted to see who was inside.

I can’t do that now. Maybe that meeting was the turning point, the moment I caught his attention, since I was trying to flee from him back then.

But maybe I could still see him. If he walks past the greenhouse, I could stay nearby and watch him from afar.

I ask Milna if I could be alone for a while, and she agrees and leaves me. I head toward the greenhouse and position myself a bit farther away, standing behind a large tree. I’m sure I can spot him from here without him noticing me. It’s getting quite late, and the sun is setting, so I’m safe in the dim light.

As I wait, I realize how pathetic I am. I remember hearing other candidates say last time that they tried to get a glimpse of Felix, sneaking into the training grounds, and such. And now I’m doing the same.

Oh please forgive me, God. I really am weak and pathetic. But I promise, I will get better.

Time drags on as I peek out from behind the tree and wait. Then suddenly, a voice behind me scares the living daylights out of me.

“You hiding from someone?”

“Holy crap!” I yell as I jump what feels like six feet into the air, stumble, and land flat on my backside.

I hear a familiar chuckle. “Sorry, my bad. I didn’t mean to scare you. Will you forgive me?”

I look up and see Felix, extending his hand toward me. My chest tightens at the sight of him.

Crap. This is not how it was supposed to go. How did he notice me? Did he sense my thoughts or something? But I can manage this, just don’t be blunt.

I take his hand, let him pull me up, and straighten my dress.

“There is nothing to apologize for, Your Highness. I was simply too absent-minded to notice your presence. I apologize that you had to witness my unladylike behavior.”

He smirks in a way that makes my stomach twist into knots. I hate how he can affect me with such small gestures.

“No need to apologize. It was rather amusing to watch.”

What a jerk, enjoying others’ misfortune. I bite my tongue to avoid scolding him.

“So, why are you lurking behind a tree?”

Crap. I need to lie. Let’s hope he doesn’t sense it.

“I was just thinking about visiting the greenhouse.”

“But decided to watch it from behind a tree? Are you afraid there are ghosts in there or something?” he says, amused.

He clearly enjoys this situation. Jerk. I do my best to keep my smile in place.

“Of course not. I just wasn’t sure if we were allowed to go there. So I thought I would observe for a while to see if another candidate would go in.”

“Of course you’re allowed to go. I doubt you’ll see anyone else, though. It’s rare for anyone to visit the greenhouse. People usually prefer the garden. Come on, I’ll show you.”

He starts walking toward the greenhouse, and I just stand there, too shocked to move.

I can’t go with him. The risk of him becoming interested in me is too high. But if I refuse, he might think I’m avoiding him, and that could also draw his attention.

Crap, crap, crap. What should I do?

He stops when he notices I’m not following.

“You coming? Or do you prefer spying on me from behind the tree?”

Should I? I want to. I really want to go with him. Will I regret it if I do, or if I don’t?

Before I can decide, my body moves on its own and walks toward him. Deciding for me. He smiles warmly when I do, and my chest tightens even more. He opens the door for me, and I step inside.

I take a deep breath, enjoying the scent of countless flowers mingling in the air.

“So, am I right to presume that you like flowers?”

“I do. Very much.”

“Feel free to visit anytime. Our gardener who was in charge of the greenhouse, unfortunately broke his arm, so we have a staff member from the stables covering for him while he recovers. If you ever need anything, I’m sure he’ll be happy to help.”

I smile, already knowing all of this. I walk toward the roses nearby, the ones we planted together last time. I hope I get to plant them again this time, even without him. I gently brush my fingers over the petals. He comes to stand beside me.

“Are roses your favorite flower?”

“No.”

“Then what is?”

“Azuregleam,” I say, smiling as I recall the memory of him telling me about it.

“Azuregleam? I’ve never heard of it. Why do you like it?”

“It’s from another country, which is probably why you don’t know it. And I love its color.”

Because its light blue shade reminds me of your ocean-blue eyes, glistening under the sunlight.

“Lady Lorelia, your bath is ready.”

I turn around to see Milna standing by the door. She visibly startles when she notices Felix beside me.

“Good evening, Your Highness. I hope I’m not interrupting anything.”

“Of course not,” I say quickly. “His Highness was kind enough to show me the greenhouse.”

I turn to Felix and bow. “Thank you, Your Highness, for accompanying me. I will take my leave now. I hope God blesses your day.”

He tilts his head and smiles.

“The pleasure was all mine, Lady Lorelia. I hope you enjoy your stay at the Palace.”

I leave the greenhouse, my heart pounding in my chest. We didn’t even talk much, yet I feel so alive. Like I’ve been living in darkness all this time and finally found the light.

I’m happy.

But I’m also sad, knowing that after the Selection, I’ll have to return to that darkness. Knowing I will never see the light again.