Master of Minds, Master of Me

I wake up gasping for air. My heart is pounding like crazy, like it will burst out of my chest any minute. It hurts. It literally hurts. What the hell happened? Did I have a nightmare or something?

I rub my face with my hands. I realize there are tears on my cheeks. Did I cry in my sleep? Well, that's weird. I never cry. I get up and head to the shower. Maybe that calms my racing and aching heart. I try to remember what I dreamt of, but I can't.

Or is this just something my mana caused? It does feel a little odd now that I think about it. Theodore just settled it yesterday, so it shouldn't feel like this. Not this soon.

I also feel like I forgot something. Something very important. But there really isn’t anything I could forget right now. The Princess from Belentzi is visiting, so my job is mainly just to make sure that her visit goes well. And today we are visiting the Royal Academy with her, and that’s all. So I don’t think I forgot anything.

After a shower, I head toward my office. I sink into my work, which is mainly just going through papers and documents and preparing them for my father.

Ugh. I really am not too eager to take the throne. If the workload while just being a Crown Prince is already this much, I don’t dare to imagine the workload while being a King. Luckily, it will not happen for many years. I should have like solid ten years at least to have more fun.

I do my work diligently, as always. But I can’t get rid of that weird itch in the back of my head. The one saying I forgot something. Does it have something to do with what happened at night? That made my body act so weirdly?

After lunch, I fetch the Princess, and we head to the Academy. We show her the places, some of our classes, and so on. She is very interested in academics, which is a good thing for her, since she is the only heir in her country. She is going to be the first female to take the throne in history. They are thinking of transferring her here to study for a while.

The day just drags on, and it feels hideously boring. More boring than usual.

When I return to the Palace, I head toward the training grounds. I need to try to settle my mana. It’s so weird that it’s acting up so soon. Should I ask Theodore about it?

No. Let’s not be a baby about it. Maybe I just had some bad dream that stirred some negative emotions inside me and made my mana act up.

I train my usual routine, but it doesn’t help.

Goddammit. What the hell is wrong with me? Should I try loosening my mind in the city? Maybe relaxing my mind would help.

I go grab my coat and head outside the Palace. I go straight to the Underground and my favourite bar. I take a glass of wine and go sit in one of the booths. I glance around. Someone is dancing on the stage. I place my hand on her thigh next to me.

Except it doesn’t land on anything. I look next to me, and there is no one.

I shake my head. Of course, there is no one. I came alone, and I haven’t talked to anyone yet. Am I going crazy or something?

My back itches again.

I drink a glass of wine and go take another. But the itch doesn’t go away. Usually, I love being here. Just looking around and talking with beautiful women. Why don’t I feel like it now? After a while, I get up, frustrated, and head back to the Palace.

But I don’t want to go back either. There is nothing for me there. I always enjoy staying in the city late into the night, feeling like I belong among the people more than in the Palace. For the first time, I feel like I don’t belong in the city either. Where exactly do I belong?

My back itches.

What the hell is this fucking itch?! Why doesn’t it stop? I feel like I want to rip my fucking head open. The mana rumbles inside my chest.

Let’s just push the itch aside and head to bed early. Maybe when I wake up tomorrow, I’ll feel completely normal.

---

When I wake up, I feel so fucking feral. My chest is heaving again, and my morning wood is harder than ever. I kept seeing weird dreams, but I can’t exactly remember them. And it annoys the shit out of me. They were good dreams. I’m sure I was happy in them. Happier than I have ever been. And that annoyed me even more, knowing it’s just something that only exists in a dream. I mean, I know that happiness is something I can never have, not really. Not when my life is bound to the Palace. Not when I have to spend my whole life in prison, knowing I will never escape it.

Fuck, I hate the Palace so much sometimes. When I’m King, I’ll make sure that my children will never have to live as I did. I want them to be free and do what they want. I would never force them to take the throne. I would never force them to work for the Royal family or live inside the Palace walls.

I’m actually quite eager to have children. I’m sure having them would make this place feel more tolerable and less like a prison. I can almost imagine them. I hope one of them has blond hair like me and my blue eyes. I bet he or she would look so adorable. And one could have dark brown hair with captivating brown button eyes. I bet I would melt every time he or she begged for some new toy or something. Or maybe just a mixture of those. But I most definitely want my child to have those button eyes.

Wait.

What button eyes? Where did that thought even come from?

My back itches.

Goddammit, I’m really losing it, aren’t I?

I force myself up and go to breakfast, where my father apparently already is.

“Morning, son.”

“Good morning, father.”

“How was yesterday’s Academy visit?”

“It went well. I think she enjoyed it. At least, she seemed extremely interested in attending.”

I don’t just think. I know. Her mind was going wild with excitement.

“Well done. Having her attend our Academy will strengthen our connection with Belentzi. They would be a powerful ally.”

“I agree.”

“Oh, did you happen to read the paper yesterday?”

“No, why?”

He slides me the paper, and I see the headline.

The Crown Prince’s Secret Engagement

I guess reporters are running out of stories if they have to make up this kind of crap.

Saying that makes something itch again, but I press it down.

“Tell me, is there something going on with you and the Princess?”

“Hell no! It’s just some stupid gossip to get people to buy the paper.”

“It’s not a bad idea, you know.”

“What’s not a bad idea?”

“The engagement with a Princess.”

I stare at him, dumbfounded.

“You are kidding, right? You know she is going to take the throne? How could we be married if we both rule our own countries?”

“Marriage is something on paper, my son. It’s not based on feelings. If you two get married, it’s just a contract between two countries. Something that makes our bond even stronger. It’s enough that she bears two heirs, one for each country. Then our Royal blood would be flowing in Belentzi’s Royal family too.”

I’m really not the romantic type of guy. I enjoy having fun with girls, keeping things casual. But even for me, my father’s words are too much to comprehend. I know my marriage will never be out of love. It’s going to be a marriage of convenience. But at least I want to try to form some kind of bond with my future wife.

“No. Absolutely not. I at least want my wife to be here, living with me. Not just see her so we can fuck a couple of times to bear an heir.”

“Son, watch your language. It was just a suggestion. At least think about it. She is a very attractive and intelligent woman. Her genes would benefit us. Maybe her calmness could balance your nature in your children, so they would be more suited to take the throne in the future.”

“Woah. Are you saying that with my nature, I could only get stupid children?”

“No. I didn’t say that.”

“But you implied it. Are you saying I’m not intelligent enough? You know I graduated at the top of my class. I got a full score on every single exam. And now you are saying I’m not smart enough?”

So typical of him. Nothing I do is ever good enough.

“I didn’t mean it like that.”.

“Well, how exactly did you mean it?”

“I…”

He falls silent, knowing I was right. I’ve had enough of this hideous breakfast, so I get up.

“Son, just sit down and let’s talk about this.”

“Not interested. I won’t marry her. End of discussion.”

Just the thought of it is disgusting. The thought of marrying someone else than… than…

Wait. Than who?

“This is what I mean when I scold you. You are too hasty with your decisions. You need to calm down and think about the options and not rely on emotions. It doesn’t matter how good grades you got if you don’t know how to use that knowledge.”

I’m so done with this bullshit. I have done every single job he has given me perfectly. He has never complained about any work I do. Why can’t he understand that even though my nature might be a little different, it doesn’t make me bad at my job? I take my job seriously. I will be perfect at everything I do. I might not enjoy doing it, but I will do it. Without complaining. But it’s just impossible to please that old, stubborn man. He just want to press me in some stupid mold.

I head outside. I need to cool down. I don’t know where to go, so I just let my body move on its own. Maybe I really should contact Theodore again. I feel all my negative emotions rising too much because of my mana acting funny. Maybe if my mana cools down, I can get rid of this itch.

Soon, I step inside a church.

Wait. Why am I here? I never visit this place. I glance around the empty room. I think I haven’t stepped inside this church in years. But for some reason, it feels familiar and cosy. I go stand in front of the statue of the God of Creation.

So, God. Could you tell me why I’m acting like a crazy person?

Silence.

Any ideas? No? Nothing? Well, if you happen to figure something out, please feel free to tell me. I’m open to any ideas.

I turn around and glance at the front row. My back itches.

I go back to walking in the garden. Maybe I could go to the pond with the colourful flowers. It really is so beautiful; it might calm my mind. When I arrive where I was planning to go, I freeze. There is no pond in this part of the garden. And there aren’t any ponds with colourful flowers anywhere.

Okay. I’m officially losing it. Call the asylum. The Crown Prince has officially lost it.

Hmm… Would an asylum be better than the Palace? I mean, there would be no work. I’m sure I could still sneak out of there with my illusion magic to have some fun.

Not a bad idea, actually. Maybe going crazy is a gift from God or something.

But then Duke Callum would probably kill my father and take the throne. And even though I might hate the idea of being King sometimes, I hate the idea of him taking the throne way more.

So let’s keep the asylum as a plan B for now.

The itch keeps haunting me as days pass by. I keep doing weird things and going to weird places. I keep imagining being with someone. Someone I only see in my dreams, someone I can’t remember when I wake up. But I don’t know if she is something my imagination just constructed, or if she is someone I have once met. I sometimes feel like I see a glimpse of her in the corner of my eye. But every time I turn, she is gone.

She is gone, but somehow she is constantly there. Along with the itch.