Master of Minds, Master of Me

I open my eyes, and I’m faced with my own ceiling. But this time, the ceiling is blurry. My eyes are still wet from tears. Waking up again has never been this painful, not once. I know I made the right decision. But I just want to go back. Maybe I should have stayed just a couple more days. Just be with Felix a little more. Tell him properly that I love him and enjoy our mutual love for a while.

But I didn’t. There was too big a risk that Felix would have gone berserk for good. I needed to stop before that happened, even though it broke my heart and his heart. But his heart is now fixed. He is probably just waking up in his bed, heading toward breakfast, and starting his normal day. Just like it's supposed to be.

My heart is far from fixed. It’s in so many pieces that it can never be fixed. I don’t even want it to be fixed. I deserve every bit of misery right now. I deserve every single stab of pain for doing that to Felix. I promised that I wouldn’t hurt myself and ended up doing just that right in front of him.

My bedroom door bursts open, and Belia’s cheerful voice fills the air.

“Happy birthday, sis!”

She jumps on the bed, nearly knocking the air from my lungs when she sits on top of my stomach.

“Morning, Belia.”

I try to wipe my tears away and act normal.

“What’s wrong, sis? Did you have a nightmare?”

Apparently, I fail miserably.

“Yeah, sort of.”

She hugs me.

“Don’t worry, it was just a dream. I’m here to protect you now from the bad guys.”

She punches the air rather cutely, like trying to hit the bad guys. I sit up.

“Thanks, Belia. I appreciate it.”

Even though in my nightmare, I’m the villain.

“Let’s get downstairs, Mom made an amazing birthday breakfast!”

“Belia!” Mother shouts from the hallway, like every time. “It was supposed to be a surprise!”

Not that it matters, since this is my 30th time experiencing the ‘surprise’.

Belia looks remorseful. “Sorry, it slipped.”

She gets up from the bed and runs downstairs, and I get myself ready. When I’m fully clothed, I look at myself in the mirror. My eyes are still puffy and red from crying. I don’t own any makeup, so I can’t even try to cover them. I guess I just need to hope no one notices.

I take a deep breath and head toward the dining room. When I enter, they all yell at the same time.

“Happy Birthday!”

I smile my usual gentle smile.

“Thanks, everyone.”

“What’s wrong, honey?”

Crap. I should have known that my mother would immediately spot my puffy eyes. I don’t even have the chance to answer when Belia does that for me.

“She had a nightmare.”

“Really?” My father asks while furrowing his brows. “Better not let the Devil sink into your dreams too much, Lorelia.”

My heart thumps. Too late for that, Father. The Devil has sunk inside my soul already. But I force my smile.

“Of course not. It was just one bad dream.”

“Are you sure, honey? It’s just about the dream?”

Mother is somehow annoyingly observant.

“Yes, it is. Can we eat? I’m starving.”

A lie. I have no appetite. Not after just experiencing the most horrible day of my life. But I just have to fake it.

I force the food down and try my best to keep myself calm and contained. When breakfast is finished, I get up like I do every time.

“I’m going to visit the temple, if that’s alright?”

“The temple?” My mom asks, confused as always. “Why would you visit the temple now?”

“Don’t question her if she wants to visit the temple.” My father turns to look at me with a smile. “Of course, you can visit the temple. I’ll join you. Visiting the temple is the perfect way to start your day after all.”

“Siiiis. Don’t go. It’s your birthday! You should open the presents first!”

I crouch down to her level and pat her head.

“I appreciate the thought. But I don’t need presents. I’m perfectly happy without them. We should give them to someone who needs them more, maybe the orphanage?”

“WHAT?!” Belia yells in shock. “You can’t give your gifts away! They are gifts!”

“I just think I’m too old for gifts now. And gifts aren’t important. All I want from my birthday is to be close to people I care about and be close to God.”

Belia tilts her head and looks at me with confusion, as every time I say that. Soon, she squints her eyes at me suspiciously.

“Who are you and what did you do to my sister?”

I chuckle.

“I am your sister. I just want to do things differently this year. I hope you understand. When I get back from the temple, we can play something together.”

I straighten myself.

“You promise?”

“I promise.”

I feel a minor stab in my chest, remembering the promise I didn’t keep. Am I even allowed to make promises again?

My father taps my shoulder, and I turn to look at him.

“I’m overjoyed to see you like this, Lorelia. You make your father very happy.”

He looks at me with pride. I usually love seeing him like that. It makes me think I’m on the right path. But this time his look doesn’t bring me that joy. I don’t know why.

The day passes pretty calmly, as it always does. I visit the temple with my father, and we stroll around the city a little bit. When we get home, we eat lunch, and I play with Belia in the garden. After taking care of the greenhouse, I head toward the drawing room.

As I enter, my mother quickly hides the newspaper as always.

“Hi, honey. I thought you would still be in the greenhouse.”

“I finished already. Anything exciting in the paper?”

I ask only out of habit.

“No! Nothing at all.” She says in a high-pitched voice.

I’ve never really understood why she doesn’t want me to see the paper. I read it out of curiosity when trying to find out why they hide it, but I can’t remember any of the news anymore. I’ve just ignored it for the last… maybe twenty loops or something.

I sit on a chair by the window, sinking into my thoughts. I’ve tried to keep myself busy to distract myself, preventing myself from thinking about anything. But now everything that happened just pours down on me. It hurts. It really hurts. I know I did the right thing. I know that all that matters is that Felix isn’t in pain anymore.

But oh God, why does this have to be this painful? Will I get used to the pain? Or grow numb to it?

“Honey? Is everything alright?”

I turn to look at my mother.

“Yes, of course it is. Why do you ask?”

“You’re crying, honey.”

She wipes a tear from my cheek. Crap. I didn’t realize I was crying.

“It’s nothing, don’t worry about it. I’m just tired.”

Something shifts in her eyes, like she just figured something out.

“Please don’t tell me your father showed you the paper? I specifically told him not to!”

“What? What paper?”

She clearly regrets her words.

“Oh, nothing. Forget what I said. Just tell me what’s wrong.”

I’m starting to get even more curious about the newspaper now.

“It’s just about the nightmare. It just felt so real. I know it was just a dream. I’ll probably forget about it soon anyway.”

She hugs me.

“It’s not silly. Tell me what happened in the dream?”

“I really don’t want to talk about it. I’m sorry.”

“Well, is there anything I could do to make you feel better? Promise to tell me. It’s your birthday after all. Want to go out somewhere? Take a little trip into the forest?”

A trip into the forest? Why would she suggest something like that? We never take any leisure walks outside. Or at least I think we don't.

“I’m fine. I would rather stay inside.”

She looks at me like I just grew a second head, and I don’t understand why.

“If that’s what you want. But just say if you want to do something. Or if you change your mind about the presents.”

“I won’t change my mind. I meant what I said.”

She smiles strangely and leaves the room. I immediately get up and grab the paper from one of the drawers.

I feel a huge stab in my heart when I see the front page.

It’s a picture of Felix. He smiles happily, looking like the perfect little sun of the Empire. The guilt in me is overwhelming. There’s a huge headline about Felix getting engaged to a Princess from another country. I do remember the news about it now that I see it. Everyone was so excited. I guess the engagement got cancelled since the Selection happened.

But just imagining Felix clinging to some foreign Princess drives me insane. Is he whispering the same dirty words to her? Is he touching and teasing her too, driving her to the edge of lunacy with his visions?

Okay. I need to calm down. I have no reason to be jealous. Felix doesn’t even know my existence in this life, and he never will. He will love someone else now. And I’m the one who left him anyway.

I shake my head and try to focus on why my mother wanted to hide the paper from me. Since she doesn’t know about Felix and me, it can’t be because of the engagement announcement.

I hear noises in the hallway, so I grab the paper and go read it in my room, not wanting to get caught. But I still don’t understand what they want to hide from me.

There’s news about the Magic Tower expanding again. Some criminal organization called the Ravens is causing chaos. Gossip about nobles having affairs. A new restaurant is opening in the capital.

There really isn’t anything that stands out. I try to dig into my memory from the first time I died and started all over. I really can’t remember what happened then. Was I shocked by something back then?

My brain hurts. It’s no use. I can’t remember anything. I tuck the paper into the drawer on my nightstand. I slump into my chair, staring into nothingness.

Minutes turn into hours. Hours turn into days. Days turn into weeks.

I just repeat what I always do.

I spend most of my time in the temple. I notice my prayers have become more automatic, something I say out of habit.

I do voluntary work. I still enjoy spending time with children, but it doesn’t feel the same.

I tend the garden and the greenhouse. I love our flowers, but I can’t stop thinking about the flowers in Felix’s garden.

Felix once told me that I was like a statue. Now I understand what he meant by that. I feel like a statue. I try my best to numb my emotions so I wouldn’t feel so much pain. I focus only on acting content and devoted. My mother and Belia are worried about me, but my father is pleased. I’ve always been so happy about my father’s reaction to me that I never noticed how Mother and Belia reacted. My father’s proud words don’t matter anymore. I wonder what I was like before my eighteenth birthday for my mother to be worried like this.

Well, it doesn’t matter. It’s ancient history for me. I need to focus on God. But it’s hard.

Because my dreams are haunted by him. No matter how much I try to push him out of my mind, I keep seeing him in my dreams. Smiling. Joking. I dream about what we did. I also dream about sex.

Oh God, the sex. I’ve woken up so many times breathing heavily, my panties soaked. I even ended up masturbating for the first time ever. I wasn’t very good at it. It didn’t feel anything like what he made me feel. But I did manage to make myself come, so I guess it worked. I hope I’ll get better with time.

I’m walking through Lintel City, heading toward the Grand Temple. I stop in front of a flower shop, waiting for that one woman to pass by and stumble. She works at the orphanage and will break her arm if I’m not here to stop her. When she arrives, I catch her before she falls. She thanks me as usual and keeps walking. I turn toward the temple.

Then I spot something that instantly makes me smile. A familiar face I’ve missed. I start to run toward him.

“Hans!”

He turns to look at me as I get closer.

“Hans! I’m so happy to see you!”

He looks at me with confusion.

“Do we perhaps know each other?”

My heart sinks deep underground. Of course, he doesn’t remember me. I haven’t met him in this life. I know that. How could I forget something like that? My heart hurts for the fact that I'm the only one left to suffer with all the memories.

No. Don't start to wallow in self-pity. I deserve the misery. Others don't.

“Umm… sorry. My mistake.” I say awkwardly.

I’m about to turn away, but he grabs my hand with a smile.

“I’m sorry, Lady…?”

“Lorelia.”

He smiles warmly, the same smile I’ve seen so many times at the Palace.

“Lady Lorelia. I do apologize for not remembering you. I have terrible face memory. But clearly we have met, since you knew my name. Where did we meet?”

Crap. What should I say?

“Umm… I once saw you at the Grand Temple.”

Hans did say he visited it a few times.

“Well, no wonder I don’t remember you. It’s been four years since I last visited the temple. You must have been much younger back then.”

I nod, smiling. “I was. Sorry, I didn’t realize I must look much different now. How’s your wife?”

“She’s feisty as ever. Have you met her too?”

“No. I just remembered that you mentioned having one. Do you work here in Lintel?”

“I work at my cousin’s farm just outside Lintel. Mostly taking care of the animals, but I also run some errands for him in the city.”

“Are you fond of animals?”

“You could say so, especially horses.”

I smile. It was expected, considering he worked at the stables in the Palace.

We talk for a while before he has to leave. I’m surprisingly happy after our conversation, even though he didn’t remember me. He still spoke to me warmly. I guess it’s in his nature. When I first met him in the greenhouse, he was very talkative then too.

I head toward the temple. I hope I can meet him again soon. It’s nice to have one familiar face from the Palace here. Of course, he will eventually move to the Capital with his wife.

I let out a deep sigh.

I guess everything is temporary. The only thing that stays is me and my misery. Just the two of us.