Master of Minds, Master of Me

The whole night was restless. I’m just glad it’s morning so it’s over. It was clearly a mistake to leave my room yesterday to visit Felix’s garden. Today I’m just going to visit the church and then lock myself in my room. I guess I can’t see that garden ever again, since after this loop that garden is not going to be built anymore, since I’m not going to be here anymore.

I enter the church and go sit in the first row. I sink myself into my prayer. I ask forgiveness for what I did yesterday. I know I was being mean. But I just don’t know how else I can push Felix away. I just hope he realizes that I really am not someone he should be close to. I really should just get my head together and get back to seeking salvation. I have sinned so much in this loop that I know achieving that is farther than ever. But I’m still determined that I will someday have that. Someday, when I die, I will not wake up anymore. Someday, I will finally get to rest in peace.

“Good morning. It’s rare to see someone here.”

I open my eyes and see a priest. I have never seen him before.

“Good morning, Father. I’m Lorelia Helesantra. I have been visiting the church each morning, I hope it’s alright.”

“Of course it is. If I had known someone was using the church, I would have insisted that I was allowed to be here too.”

“What do you mean allowed?”

“I was told a couple of weeks ago that I should work inside the Palace for a while and not visit the church. I don’t know why; I just obeyed.”

“By who?”

“The Crown Prince. I thought that maybe it had something to do with the Selection, so I didn’t probe. It isn’t my business after all.”

Felix did? Please don’t say that he really forbade everyone from visiting the church because I visited it.

“So are you the Palace’s priest?”

“Yes, I am.”

He sits next to me. I’m still too shocked about this. He probably forbade him from coming so I wouldn’t find out that Father Owen isn't a real priest here. He really is a lunatic.

“Pleasure to meet you, Father. You really have a lovely church, I have enjoyed it very much.”

“Likewise, Lady Lorelia. I’m more than happy to know you have enjoyed your time here. And I do apologize for interrupting your prayers. Is there something specific weighing on your mind?”

Yes, but I’m not going to tell him that.

“No. Just praying for my family and for the people.” I lie.

He tilts his head. And it looks too familiar. I shake the thought away. I’m really starting to be too paranoid about Felix.

“You should know that God detects every lie.”

My breathing halts. How could he know I lied?

“What do you mean?” I ask, my voice too shaky.

I understand that Felix might spot my lies, but am I really that bad of a liar that it’s clear to everyone when I lie?

“I mean that you should just be honest about your feelings and about your sins.”

I gulp. “My sins?” I look at him, feeling my guilt pressing me.

“I do think that breaking a promise is a sin.”

What? He starts to grin. And that time I’m sure. It’s him. I can’t believe that I let him fool me once again. Felix is just toying with me again. I harden my tone.

“Your Highness. You promised that you wouldn’t use your illusion magic.”

He chuckles that same dark chuckle as back in the garden.

“And you promised to come see me, but you didn’t. So I will happily break my promise too, pretty flower.”

He leans in closer, keeping the wicked grin on his face.

“But I don’t mind. The more you sin, the more you fall into my grasp. Broken minds are easier to control and sway.”

I keep staring at him in utter shock. How can he say something like that?

“Why would you do this? Why would you fake being a priest, especially just to tell me that you have probably forbidden everyone else from visiting this place?”

“I thought it’s just right to be honest in front of God, don’t you agree?”

“You are insane.”

He chuckles again. “Can’t deny that. You make me insane.”

“Me? I thought it was because of your mana.”

“Well, it is only one part.” He lifts his hand, sliding it to the back of my neck. “But you saying you are just going to leave me?” He pauses for a while, tilting his head. “That made my morals vanish in an instant. That made me lose my mind.”

Morals? I’m not sure if he had them in the first place. I just keep staring at him, not knowing what to say or do. He leans next to my ear, and he whispers,

“I will consume you, Lo.”

And then he is gone. Was it only an illusion? So he wasn’t really here? I dart up and start half-running toward my room.

I really did wake up the Devil in him, didn’t I?

Okay, no church. No nothing. I will just keep myself locked in my room. I will hide from him. I will not let him consume me. Not anymore.

I slam my door closed and let out a heavy exhale, and just let myself calm down, keeping my eyes closed. It’s okay. He maybe can pester me with his magic. But I will leave this place in a couple of days. Only five days until the Selection is over. No matter how much he torments me, he can’t do anything about the fact that I will not be a Queen. My results are never going to be good enough for me to be chosen as top three. So I just need to suffer for five days, and then I’m free.

I open my eyes and see a pawn and a note on my desk. I should not be surprised about it, but still my heart skips a beat. I walk to lift the pawn and read the note.

Let’s fall in love and ruin each other’s peace of mind. If you fall for me, it won’t be soft, but it’ll be real.

I stare at his words. I really don’t want to fall for him. I will not fall for him. Knowing what the future holds will make my resolution strong. And I think he has already ruined my peace of mind. So I really am not eager to know what he is planning to ruin it even more.

I shove the note and pawn inside my drawer. It’s starting to be pretty full of them.

“So you have saved all of them? That’s pretty romantic.”

I spin around as I feel Felix’s whisper in my ear, but find my room empty. I walk around the room, making sure he isn’t anywhere.

“So which one is your favorite?”

I again spin around and see Felix next to my drawer, looking at the notes. My breathing halts for a while. He just fiddles with the notes so nonchalantly. I keep myself silent. Is he really here? Or is this just another vision?

“Actually, I think this one isn’t that accurate.” He grabs one note and reads it out loud. “Your smile is proof that the best things in life are free.” He turns his head to look at me, smirking. “Since your smile really wasn’t free. It cost me so many hours of hard work and part of my mental health. But goddammit, it really was worth all of that.”

I keep just staring at him. He turns back to scan through the notes.

“Oh, I liked this one. Is your name Chamomile? Because you look like a hot-tea.” He again turns to look at me with a smirk. “Cause you totally are.” He winks at me.

“Your Highness. Please go.”

“So are you going to tell me why you kept them all?” He totally ignores my plea.

“I don’t know.” An honest answer. I really haven’t thought about why I always kept them.

“You know, when I came to see you as Max, bringing the candy with me, my sole mission was to figure out which candies you would like. So that I could start leaving little gifts along with the notes and pawns.”

He closes the drawer. I’m not sure what I feel after hearing that. But of course it’s impossible to know if he’s just lying, playing mind games with me.

“But that was a total fiasco, as we both remember.” He starts walking toward me slowly. “Since you suddenly fell into your darkness. Into some weird place where you have locked away every secret about you.”

I keep staring at him as he approaches.

“So could you tell me something, Lo?”

“What?”

“Why didn’t you want to eat the candy?”

“I need to be content.”

He stops right before me, his eyes piercing me.

“And what happens if you are not content?”

I keep my mouth shut. Not wanting to say.

“Your call, Lo. You can either answer me like a good girl, or I can force the answer out of you. I actually prefer the latter option, since I have many ideas on how to make you talk.”

I have no idea whether he plans to torture me like some enemy or if he’s thinking about something sexual again. He seems so ominous that I really can’t read him. But I guess answering is still the better option here.

“I don’t earn salvation.”

He narrows his eyes, like he is trying to read me. He slowly starts to grin. And the sight of that makes my body tense. He leans to whisper in my ear,

“That wasn’t that hard, was it? I hope that next time I ask you something, I don’t have to threaten you to talk.”

He straightens himself, and his smile turns more into a warm one.

“See you later, Lo.”

And then he is just gone. So it was an illusion after all? I really can’t keep up with him. My heart is still pounding. Is he really going to keep doing these visions all week?

These five days are really going to be hell.