Master of Minds, Master of Me

I barely got any sleep. My mind is spinning, and in one moment I’m sure I’m just going to end things with Felix, but then a second later I decide to just go for it. This is exactly why I hate when things don’t go the usual way. I don’t know how to make any decisions anymore. Luckily, it’s Saturday, which means that there are no meetings. I visited the church in the morning as usual. It felt so empty. Especially now when I know Father Owen is not coming back. Every single morning, he has just fooled me. And I have just fallen for his tricks every single time.

Maybe my weakness is the reason the Devil took my soul to be his plaything. Maybe my weakness is my greatest sin. However, I have no idea how I can get stronger.

After church, I have just confined myself in my room. Being a pathetic coward. I got up from my chair many times, planning to go see Felix. But every time I reached the door, I turned around. Living feels just too hard right now. Too complicated. Part of me just wants to end this loop already and start over. I’m sure Felix would be happier that way too. He would probably just have a crush on some other candidate in next life. Maybe he would pester some other girl with his sick visions. And probably that other candidate would be happy about getting Felix’s attention. I know that scenario really is much better for both of us, but I still hate imagining it. Imagining Felix with some other woman.

The day passes by. I eat lunch, I go back and forth with my thoughts, I eat dinner and keep going back and forth with my thoughts. I take a bath and slide under the blanket. I feel like going crazy with my mind. Maybe locking myself in my room is making it even worse. Once again, I can’t sleep. The sun has already set, but I don’t feel sleepy at all. I do miss Felix’s secret garden. I got too used to visiting that place when he was absent. Maybe I should just give up on sleeping and go there. It’s nighttime anyway, so everyone is inside, so I can move in peace.

I get up and grab my cloak and head outside. The fresh breeze instantly soothes my mind, and I feel my mood lifting. The Palace garden is empty, just like I suspected. I wonder if Felix was really waiting for me today too? He said he would wait for me every day after dinner, but it’s already been three days since I haven’t visited him. I enter through the barrier to Felix’s garden and halt as I see him lying on the grass, sleeping. There are a huge number of papers spread around him.

Was he working here? And fell asleep? Please don’t say that he has really been waiting for me here until nightfall. Some part of me feels happy about it. But a bigger part feels just guilt. I really am a horrible person.

I crouch down and gather his papers in one big stack. He really is being too carefree for letting important documents just lie around like this. What if it gets windy all of a sudden? When all the papers are neatly put away, I just look at him. When he sleeps like this, he looks so harmless. He looks like the perfect sun to our Empire. Not even a hint of that dark gaze and possessive look that he had back in the church.

I should leave quitly and let him sleep. He must have been tired to fall asleep like this. I get up, but suddenly feel his hand around me, and I’m yanked to the ground next to him.

“I thought I was only having a lovely dream, but it really is you. My pretty flower finally came to see me. You have no idea how happy that makes me.”

I stare at his ocean–blue eyes, which sparkle; his smile is wide and warm. My chest tightens, but again, the feeling of guilt is much more powerful. I force myself to sit and try to get up. He sits too and grabs me again, forcing me to sit on his lap, making us face each other.

“Your Highness. Let go of me.”

His smile vanishes for a while. And he looks sad. So sad that it feels like a stab in my chest. But he forces a smile, clearly suffocating the emotion.

“You can’t just try to escape me right after you come to see me. That’s just way too cruel.” His voice is playful.

Another stab. I know I’m cruel. I’m a horrible person. I’m not sure if I’ve always been this horrible, or if this is just something new. But as I stare at him, I realize how much I have missed him. Despite his lies and schemes, I have missed him. I lift my hands to his face, touching his cheeks, and his eyes widen in surprise. His body feels so warm and right close to mine. I feel my heart easing, softening at his presence. And then I know for sure.

If I keep being with him, I know I will fall in love with him. It’s the undeniable truth.

And what the future holds is also undeniable. I know what he is going to do, so I’m not going to be his Queen. Ever. No matter how much I might like him. So I have two options. I can keep seeing him during this last week here. Fall for him. And break my heart when I leave. And break it even more when I die and start this all over again. Living this life again, knowing he doesn’t remember me. Knowing he will share his kisses and touches with someone else.

Or I could just keep my distance from him. Not see him at all anymore. Then my feelings wouldn’t be that deep, and my heart would break a little less. So, getting back to my righteous path would be much easier. And it would be easier for him too. It’s better to end things now, before we are too deep in this. My heart aches at the thought. But maybe I could feel him just once before leaving.

So I lean in and press my lips against his. I slide my fingers into his hair, wanting him closer. I feel his hand wrapping tighter around me as he answers my kiss. My whole body lights up once again, needing more than just a kiss. But a kiss is all I’m taking now. Remember. You need to be content. I withdraw and feel my heart bleeding. I open my eyes to look at him, and he looks so happy that only that makes my heart break even more. Maybe kissing him was a bad idea after all.

“Fuck, Lo. Just a minute ago, I was heartbroken that you were not coming to see me. And then you show up and initiate a kiss? Only you can make me feel like the happiest man in the world in one second.”

Okay, definitely a mistake to kiss him. I didn’t think about how it would affect him. This is exactly why I haven’t earned salvation. I keep being selfish. I feel my whole body in pain, knowing that I will hurt him. But it needs to be done. My only consolation is that when I eventually die, he won’t remember any of this. He won't remember my betrayal.

“I didn’t come to see you, Your Highness.”

His expression changes, looking rather confused.

“What do you mean?”

“I couldn’t sleep, so I just wanted to see the garden. I missed the garden.”

He furrows his brows. “So you missed our secret garden, but you didn’t miss me?”

I feel my tears rising. I want to lie and say that I didn’t miss him. But I know how easily he spots my lies, so it’s better to keep silent. So I just turn my head, wanting to avoid the painful look on his face.

“Lo? What’s wrong?”

I just need to say it. Just like ripping off the bandage. It’s better to do it quickly.

“I don’t want to keep seeing you, Your Highness.”

I’m too afraid to look at his face. But I feel his muscles tightening around me.

“Why?” His voice is low, more like a whisper.

“I just don’t want to.”

I get up from his lap and stand up, still avoiding looking at him.

“Good night, Your Highness.”

But his hand grabs my wrist, yanking me to face him. I feel like my heart stops beating when I look at his painful expression.

“Is it because of what I did? About Father Owen? About what happened at church?”

It’s not. I mean of course I’m still angry about his lies and deceit. But that's not the reason. The reason is that I’m a coward and selfish. I don’t want to fall in love with you. You are the last person I want to fall in love with. I have to protect myself this time. I have to be the villain this time.

“I don’t want you to hurt me.”

I know he doesn’t know what kind of hurt I mean. He will misinterpret it. But in this case, it’s a better option.

“I’m sorry, Lo. I promise I will do better. I will contain myself. Please, Lo. Give me a chance. I can change.”

“Change?” I’m rather confused about his words.

“Yes. I’ll do anything. I can be more gentle, I promise. I can learn to contain my mana better. I can be less annoying. I can tease you less. Just tell me what you want me to be, and I’ll be that.” His voice is filled with panic.

I have never seen Felix like this. I just stare at him in shock. He really is a lunatic for being willing to do so much for me. But I don’t want him to change. However, maybe in this case it’s better that he thinks that way. Let’s just hope he will buy my lies.

“It doesn’t matter, Your Highness. Not anymore. I just can’t trust you.”

I feel my tears starting to spill. Only because I feel so bad for doing this to him. I’m the one who keeps lying about everything. I haven’t been honest with him. So it feels so wrong to accuse him of that. But it’s better this way.

“I promise I won’t pretend to be anyone else anymore, just—”

“What about Max?” I ask.

He freezes. And I feel my pain growing more potent.

“I was going to tell you about it once you came to see me. I wanted you to hear it from me.”

“Well, I didn’t hear it from you. Instead, I just looked like a fool asking around about him.”

“Lo. Just let me explain. I really never wanted to hurt you. I need you, Lo.”

“Don’t call me that, Your Highness. I want to go now.” I yank my hand free from his grip. “I don’t want you to come see me. After the Selection is over, I’m gone. So you should focus on finding yourself a suitable Queen.”

The whole atmosphere changes suddenly. The air grows thick and heavy. I look at him, the color in his eyes growing deeper, darker. This is most definitely not good. Since I feel my body growing hotter already.

“Do you really think you can just leave me?” His voice is darker, serious, and demanding.

I take a step away from him.

“I will leave the Palace.”

A dark chuckle rumbles from his chest, sending a shiver down my spine. I back away more. His eyes are already purple. He really is about to lose it. Once again, he really looks like the doom of our country. I guess it didn’t have any effect that he hasn’t used his illusion magic for a couple of days. He really is the inevitable doom, a ticking time bomb. He walks closer to me with heavy, slow steps. My heart rate skyrockets, and the heat intensifies.

“You are my Queen, Lo. So don’t think for a second I’ll just let you go.”

My body freezes as he approaches me, his dark eyes locked onto mine. His hand creeps to my throat, and he leans in, his lips inches away from mine. And once again, my lips part like it’s something I have no control over.

“If you really want me to be the Devil that bad, fine. I will be the Devil you so much crave.”

My eyes widen at his words. I don’t want the Devil. I have tried to escape his clutch almost all my life. His words make me snap out of it, and I grab his arm, which is holding my throat. I shove it away and just turn around and run. And luckily, he lets me. I don’t turn to look at him while I run. I run straight to my room and slam my door closed, and lean against it.

I have a bad feeling that what I just did was the wrong choice. I just wanted to make the separation easier for both of us. But I probably made things just way worse.