Master of Minds, Master of Me

I slam the door shut and lean my back against it. Why did I raise my hand? I thought it was obvious that everyone would raise theirs. No country is perfect, and they’ve even taught us some problems we have during our lessons. So I thought Felix just wanted to test how well we had listened during classes. So why did no one else raise their hand? I wanted to avoid talking to Felix. I wanted to be invisible. But somehow I ended up at the centre of everyone’s attention.

My thoughts are still too mixed up. I can’t get over the fact that Father Owen doesn’t exist. I’ve confessed so many things to him. I can’t believe I told him about my vision back when I first came here, about seeing Felix take off his jacket or us in the pond. Thinking I was safe since he couldn’t know who I was talking about. But it was Felix himself? He just listened to me talking about him, knowing everything. I’m not sure if I’m more embarrassed about it or more angry. I feel utterly foolish.

Is there something else he has tricked me with? How can I know what is real and what is not when he keeps playing with my mind like this? I should confront him. I should ask if there is something else he has fooled me about.

So I’m extremely angry at him, but I still wanted to go see him yesterday. I didn’t go, but I really wanted to. When Felix asked me yesterday morning if I’m angry only about the lying or also for what he did to me in the church, I stayed silent. I want to be mad about both, I really do. But if I even think about what he did and how it felt, I feel heat between my legs. Please forgive me, God, for sinning in the church. The worst part is how much I enjoyed it. I think my body is still going rigid over what happened between me and Felix. That’s why I can’t see him yet. I need to get over this strange physical response and this overwhelming feeling taking control of my mind and body. I need to dig out my sanity and reason before seeing him.

But I think I really need to go see him today after dinner. I promised I would, and I intend to keep that promise. So I’ll focus on settling my soul and making myself calm and relaxed before that.

Knock, knock.

“Lady Lorelia. His Highness’ gift is here,” Milna sounds excited.

“Gift? Why?” I ask, walking toward the door.

“His Highness wanted to reward you for helping him.”

Helping him? With what?

I open the door in confusion and freeze when a familiar high-pitched voice fills the air.

“Siiiiis! You are here! I’ve missed you soooo much!”

Belia jumps into my arms, and I catch her. I’m so shocked to see her, yet so happy. I can’t believe Felix would bring Belia here.

“Belia! Oh, I’ve missed you so much!” I squeeze her tightly before letting her down.

“A carriage comes to pick her up after dinner to take her back home,” Milna says.

I look at her. “Thank you.”

“Don’t thank me, I’m just a messenger.” She closes the door and leaves.

I crouch down and hug Belia again.

“So tell me everything! Are you already a Queen?”

I laugh at her excitement. “No. I already told you I’m not going to be a Queen.”

“Boooooring.” She darts around my room, eyes wide as she touches and marvels at everything she sees.

“Your room is so pretty, sis! You really should be a Queen. Do you think I could have a room like this if you do?”

“I think you know I’m really not Queen material.”

She turns to me, confused. “Why not?”

I laugh softly. “You know me. I’m meek and calm; I’m not someone who could lead a country. I’m not even that smart.”

“I’m pretty sure it’s a good thing if a calm person is Queen. And you always help everyone, doing all that voluntary work almost every day. And to me, you’re sooooo smart. You always know everything, and if you don’t, you always look up the answer. So you’d be like a perfect Queen!”

Her words do make me feel good. Maybe I wouldn’t be the worst Queen after all.

“I appreciate the compliment. But there are many better options than me.”

“But clearly the Crown Prince likes you very much. Don’t you like him?”

My cheeks flush slightly. I guess it’s undeniable that Felix fancies me. I still don’t understand why. I’ve mostly been cold and mean toward him, especially in the beginning. But Belia doesn’t know that, so it’s better to deny it.

“His Highness doesn’t like me like that.”

“Of course he does, don’t be silly, sis.”

“What makes you think so?”

“Well, he brought me here, didn’t he? Seeing the candidates should be impossible. But he still sent the carriage all the way to our home and convinced Father to let me come.”

“Convinced?”

“Father was against it. He is sooooo boring sometimes. But Mother was stronger than him, like always. So they let me come.”

I furrow my brows. I can’t understand why my father wouldn’t want me to see Belia. I’m sure he knows from my letters how much I miss her.

“Do you know why Father was against it?”

“Actually, I do!” She seems quite proud. “I eavesdropped on them. I was being sooooo sneaky.”

“Belia, you know you shouldn’t eavesdrop. That’s not right.” I try to lecture her.

“So you don’t want to know what I heard?” she asks with a mischievous grin.

She’s too adorable. I should say no and stay stern about her behaviour, but I really want to know what father said.

“Okay, you win. Just tell me.”

She beams and jumps onto the couch. I sit beside her.

“Father was super worried that the Crown Prince likes you.”

“What? Why?”

“I already said it’s obvious he likes you; he brought me here, after all. And Father said he’s afraid you might actually end up being Queen.”

I furrow my brows again, unsure how to feel. I don’t want to be Queen either, but somehow knowing Father doesn’t want it for me doesn’t feel good.

“Did he say why he doesn’t want me to be Queen?”

“He’s just so happy with how devoted you are to the temple. So he doesn’t want you ending up anywhere else. He said you’re the best daughter a High Priest could ever wish for. And he said he hoped you’d be the High Priestess someday and follow in his footsteps.”

High Priestess? Me? My chest aches, and I don’t know why. I’m happy my father thinks so highly of me, but he doesn’t know I’m not worth anything. I could never be High Priestess. Time won’t let me. I’ll die anyway. I’m cursed by the Devil. Someone like me could never deserve such a position. And there has only ever been one High Priestess in history; no one would choose a woman, not when so many men line up for the role.

And especially after everything that has happened here in the Palace… all the things I’ve done with Felix. I’m nowhere near as devoted as I used to be. I wonder how Father would look at me if he found out. He wouldn’t be proud of me anymore. And the knowledge of that hurts.

“But Mom was so excited about me coming here and convinced Father.”

“Mom was? Why?”

“She said that if you and the Crown Prince fall for each other, it’s destiny and there’s no way she’d let father come between you two.”

“Destiny? Why would it be destiny?”

“I don’t know. They talked about something when you were a child. But I saw two squirrels from the window and ran to look at them, so I didn’t pay attention anymore.”

I can’t help but smile. That’s so typical of her. But my mother’s words still feel strange.

“Soooo that’s all I know. But I’m here! And I’m so excited! Can you show me around? This place is soooo pretty! I can’t wait to tell my friends I visited the Palace!”

“Of course, Belia. Anything. And you have to tell me how things are back home while we walk.”

We head out, hand in hand. Seeing Belia really is the best gift ever. Her joy and voice fill the Palace halls. I need to thank Felix when I see him later. My heart feels warm. I’m not sure if it’s only because of Belia or also because of how much Felix is willing to do for me.

In the garden, Milna prepares tea and pastries that drive Belia wild.

“Your sister truly is adorable, Lady Lorelia,” Milna says, smiling as she cleans up after we finished eating.

“I completely agree.”

“Children always bring such joy. I’m sad there aren’t any here. I suppose we just have to wait for His Highness to bear an heir.”

She gives me a teasing look, and I feel embarrassed. Me? Carrying a child with royal blood? Absurd. But she’s right, there are no children here.

Wait.

There’s Max, of course. Belia would adore him. Should we find him? And I should apologise. I was so rude the last time I saw him. He has been so kind to me, and I dismissed him only because I was stubborn and stupid.

“Milna, do you happen to know where Max is?”

“Max? Who is that?”

Oh right. They probably don’t call him that.

“Sorry, I mean Maximilian Trislana.”

She looks confused.

“I’m sorry, Lady Lorelia. I have no idea who that is.”

What?

“The Crown Prince’s cousin?” I offer.

“His only cousin is Lady Florentia. There is no one else.”

What? How could that be? Felix clearly said he was his cousin, and he even resembled Felix, so surely they’re related.

“Siiiis, I’m so full. What are we doing next?”

I pull myself back from my thoughts and smile. “I hope you didn’t eat too much. There’s still dinner coming up.”

“Don’t worry! If it’s delicious, I can eat even with a full stomach!”

“Good. So what do you want to do next?”

“Can we walk around the garden? It’s soooo huge.”

“Of course.”

We walk, but I can’t shake the thought of Max. Milna works here; she should know him. I don’t understand.

Then it hits me.

Please don’t tell me Felix was Max too. Was Max just another lie? Another way to fool me? To play with me? But I saw Max and Felix at the same time once. Is he really able to make illusions like that too?

I wish I were wrong. But my heart knows I’m right. I already felt so betrayed after Father Owen, and now Max too? What about everyone else? How can I know who is real and who isn’t? What about Hans? The maids? The teachers? He could have been anyone.

Or… maybe not anyone. I saw Milna, Hans, and the dancing teacher while Felix was in the north. So they must be real. But still, the discomfort, the betrayal, it won’t go away. My heart hurts. Truly hurts. I don’t know what to do. I’m not sure I can face him today after all. I thought I had a plan, but once again, I know nothing. And I hate it.

Maybe this is a sign from God that I shouldn’t meddle with him. And after what Belia said about father, maybe it really is better not to see him. I’ve already betrayed God here. I don’t want to betray my father too.

Thinking back… what was I thinking when I offered myself to be Felix’s fling? That makes no sense. That’s not me. None of what we’ve done is like me.

But once again, even thinking about it sends a pulse through my body. Crap. And honestly… I do like Felix’s company. Why is this so damn difficult? I don’t know what to do. Maybe I should gather my thoughts after dinner and visit him another day, when I’m less confused. But when I do see him, I’m going to confront him about Max. And make him tell me everything he has lied about.

But then my conscience wakes up. Can I really accuse him while keeping so many secrets myself? I’ve been so suspicious, and still, he somehow trusts me, ignoring every giant red flag hovering over me.

I just don’t know anything anymore.