Master of Minds, Master of Me

“Theodore! Long time no see!” Felix says brightly.

“We saw just yesterday.”

“Like I said, long time!”

“Cut the crap Felix. Tell me what happened.”

I just stare at them. Not sure what to think. I don't understand how Felix can act so happy around him when he clearly doesn't want to be here at all. Felix starts to explain the situation and I try my best to focus on treating the wound. But Felix’s explanation is pretty lively, so his hand doesn't stay still. I yank it from time to time so he realizes to stop moving. It works, but only for a short while. And eventually he suddenly lifts his hand so much that I just snap.

“Stay still you jerk! Or I will stab you with this needle so many times that you will!”

They both turn to look at me. Master Loneflare’s blunt gaze at me makes me want to shrink away. I should have not interrupted them. I was just about to apologize, but Felix starts talking before me.

“Sorry. My bad. I will do better, I promise. I’m still as a statue.”

Felix faces Master Loneflare again.

“Very clumsy of me. I didn't even introduce you two. Theodore, here is my pretty flower, I mean Lorelia Helesantra. And Lo, here is a grumpy mage, I mean Theodore Loneflare.”

I could die from embarrassment right now. How can he say something like that so nonchalantly?

Felix keeps talking. “So I need you to make sure that the barrier is intact. And—”

Master Loneflare just instantly teleports away and lefts in the middle of Felix’s sentence. He slowly faces me again.

“Don't mind him. He is always like that.”

“Are you two friends?”

“Yes, best friends actually.”

Best friends? That didn't seem like that. Not at least from Master Loneflare’s side. I finish treating the wound and wrap it up, making sure it stays clean. And soon after the magic circle appears again.

“Well that was fast. So what's the conclusion?” Felix says.

“Are you sure you want to talk about it here?”

He looks at me. And I feel like turning into a worm.

“Of course. She is going to be my Queen anyways so I don't have anything to hide from her.”

“No I’m not!” I burst.

“Shh… That's just a minor bump in a way, nothing I can’t handle.” He faces Master Loneflare again. “Don't mind her, I’m still working on my persuasion. But please just keep talking.”

“The barrier is fine. No one has gone through there. So the only option is through the main gate or through your escape path, which had only yours and hers print.”

“I modified it to let Lo through it too.”

“Aren’t you suspicious of her?”

I freeze. I mean of course he should be. I have wondered many times why he is not. But hearing the accusations from someone scary like him feels life threatening.

“No? Why would I be?”

“Well she had the perfect opportunity to do it. Since she is the only one capable of sneaking someone in pretty easily. And you said yourself that she is the only one who knew you were back at the Palace.”

He’s not wrong. I would be a perfect suspect.

“I promise it’s not her. Why would the assassin kill her too in my vision that I made him?”

What? He did?

“It’s not uncommon to kill a messenger. It would be a rather smart move. Less evidence left.”

“Trust me. It’s not her.” Felix starts to sound annoyed. I have never seen him annoyed like this.

Master Loneflare takes a couple of steps toward me and I just stare at his long scary figure. And I startle by his blunt and cold voice.

“There is something odd about her. Something is wrong with her.”

My heart stills. Can he somehow sense that I’m cursed? I know he is the best when it comes to magic. I actually have tried to seek his help a couple of times in my past loops. Thinking that maybe he would know something about curses. But I have never succeeded to even see him. If I would have known how scary he is, I would have ever even tried to seek his help.

“What you mean?” Felix asks.

“I can't say. Not without examining her. But she is not normal. That’s for sure.”

The panic is so intense that I feel like I faint at any minute. Is he going to keep accusing me? Find out about my curse? Tell Felix about it? Is Felix going to hate me after that? When he realizes what I am, he would definitely change his opinion about me. No one would ever want to have anything to do with someone who has been cursed by the Devil.

‘’Theodore. Just let it go. No matter what you say won’t make me doubt her. Let’s get back to the point. There is still two things I need from you.’’

The rumbling in my stomach intensifies by Felix’s words. I really don’t understand why he puts his fate in me so much. But I think I’m happy about it. My panic settles a little. Especially since Master Loneflare just turns to face Felix and ignores me.

‘’Which are?’’

‘’First I want to make same barrier to Lorelia’s room as you have made for mine.’’

What? Why?

‘’You do realize it will cost you?’’

‘’Yes yes of course. Whatever you want.’’

‘’The second?’’

‘’Please calm my mana.’’

‘’I did wonder why didn’t you asked that yesterday. You were clearly going nuts because of it.’’

‘’I meant to! But I went so nuts that I forgot about it. I was too focused only to get back. But since you noticed. It would have been nice for you to offer it yourself, don’t you think?’’

‘’Why would I? It’s not my problem, it’s yours.’’

‘’You really are one giant clumb of emotionless goo, aren’t you?’’

‘’Goo? Really?’’

Their conversation is so weird, I don't even know what to think about it.

Felix laughs. ‘’Well that was first thing that came to mind. But will you do it?’’

He places his hands to Felix’s chest. I just stare at them both and wait in silence.

‘’Have you been using your illusion magic more lately?’’

‘’Mmm… Maybe? Is it a bad thing?’’

‘’Your mana won’t settle like it used to. I got it better. But there is something off about it. The illusion mana is clearly more dominant than previously.’’

‘’And you think that’s because I have used it more?’’

‘’Maybe, maybe not. But it might be wise to take a break from it. So we can test that does that have an affect on it.’’

‘’No. I can’t do that. Without my illusion magic I can’t see Lo this freely.’’

‘’But there is no telling what happens to you if you keep using it like this.’’

Felix looks at me with troubled expression. ‘’No. No chance I would not use it.’’

Wait. Is Felix’s illusion mana the reason he is going to go berserk in the future? That could explain it all. He said that illusion mana makes him behave differently. And it's quite obvious that it makes him more dangerous. So it would make sense that the illusion mana takes control of him. Making him do all the horrible deeds in the future.

The thought of that of course worries me. But some part of me is relieved by it. Since that means that Felix himself is not evil. He is not just going to murder everyone because he wants to. It’s only because his mana is controlling him. So maybe having feelings toward him isn’t so bad thing after all. If he is not that madman I thought he was, then is it okay for me to like him? Just a little bit?

Of course me liking him doesn’t change the fact that he is going to go berserk and destroy the Palace and everyone in it. The future will still happen. But if him not using it could have at least a little effect on the future, I should agree with Master Loneflare.

‘’Your Highness. I really think you should not use it. Not if it puts you in a risk. Or someone around you.’’

He looks even more troubled now, furrowing his brows with pain expression.

‘’But how could I see you if I can’t come for you?’’

‘’I’m sure we can figure something out. I can always come to your garden to see you.’’

‘’What? Would you come to see me voluntarily?’’ He looks honestly surprised about it.

I feel a huge stab of quilt in my chest. Has I really been that mean to him that it surprises him this much? I know I have tried to push him away all the time. But I didn’t realize how much it would affect him.

Master Loneflare’s blunt voice interrupts us. ‘’I will go make the barrier and leave. I send you the bill later.’’

Felix’s turns to face him, still looking rather troubled. ‘’Sure. Thanks Theodore. I own you, once again.’’

‘’You can repay it for not pestering me all the time.’’

‘’Sure. I’ll do that.’’

Master Loneflare’s expression changes. He looks…surprised? Maybe? It’s hard to tell. But he looks little bit less frightening.

‘’Felix? Are you sure you’re okay?’’ His blunt voice is a bit less cold and he maybe seems a little worried. Maybe they really are friends after all.

‘’Yeah of course. Why?’’

He clearly struggles to answer. Like he is contemplating what to say. ‘’No reason. So where is her room exactly?’’

Felix writes something on a peace of paper and hands it to him, and soon he is gone. He seemed still rather worried.

‘’So do you really come to see me?’’ Felix’s voice snaps me out of my thoughts.

‘’Yes.’’

‘’Promise?’’

‘’I promise.’’

His smile widens and he leans in. ‘’Are you finally admitting that you like me?’’

‘’I think it would be more accurate to say that I don’t hate you.’’

Why did I say that? Why couldn’t I just admit that I like him?

‘’Well I take that definitely as a win. So you want to be my Queen?’’

‘’No! Never.’’

And that won’t change. Even though I might like him, I won’t be a Queen.

‘’So you are willing to see me? But not willing to be my Queen?’’

I nod.

‘’So you don’t want a relationship with me?’’

I lower my head, feeling shy as I look at my hands and fiddle with my fingers.

‘’Maybe we could just see each other until Selection ends. Like you originally suggested yourself.’’

He grabs my chin and forces me to look up to him. His smile makes my stomach in knots.

‘’You are willing to be my fling?’’

I just nod. I can’t believe that I am actually willing to do that. I really don’t recognize myself nowadays.

‘’Well we can start with that. But I will convince you during these last days to stay with me forever.’’

Forever? Forever means nothing in this world. He presses his lips against mine. And I sink into it immediately. Like I really have no spine at all. No will to resist him at all. But he pulls out way too soon and smiles at me.

‘’As much as I want to kiss you somewhere else too. I’m afraid I need to go.’’

“Where?”

“I need to deal with the dead person in our garden. And since the barrier was intact. That means either he managed to slip in through the main gate or he was someone from the Royal Palace. I need to launch an investigation.”

“Why aren’t you suspecting me?” The question just slips from my lips.

He narrows his eyes and smirks teasingly.

“Oh? Do you like the idea of me interrogating you? If you want, I’ll happily put you in handcuffs again.”

I slap at his chest, ignoring the excitement his words made me feel.

“Don't joke about this. I’m serious. I think I have given you more than enough reason to be suspicious of me.”

“I know. But I don’t care. I have learned to trust my instinct. And even though you would be my enemy, it wouldn't matter. I would still make you my Queen.”

I stare at him, shocked. How could he say something like that? Is he totally nuts?

He leans in to give a kiss on my forehead and heads toward the door.

“I don't know how long this will take. But you need to promise to stay here where it is safe. I’ll come back when I’m ready. I ask Milna to bring your food here.”

“What? Here? But—”

“Relax. Milna already knows my interest in you.”

“She does?”

“Yes. So just try to relax. Feel free to rummage through my room. I have nothing to hide from you.”

He winks and exits the room. I stare at the closed door for a while. Trying to understand the situation. And suddenly I really realize the fact that I just offered to be a fling to Felix. I bury my face in my hands. I might die from embarrassment.

Oh please forgive me God. I have no idea what got into me. Is this just some kind of natural attraction toward someone I have first experience with sexual things? Am I really going to do this? He only made me come once. And suddenly I’m willing to throw all my rules away? Maybe my weakness is the reason why God never helps me remove the curse.

But I have lived these years so many times just being devoted, calm and plain. My time here at the Palace has made me see things differently. I want to follow my feelings, just this once at least. I might regret my decision later. But for once I’m going to be foolish. I mean what's the worst that could happen? I’m already cursed in endless misery. So wanting just a tiny piece of happiness shouldn’t be that bad.

I lift my head and start walking around the room. Watching curiously what it contains. There is one large bookshelf and I look at the books in it. They are mostly about politics, economics or something concerning warfare. I go over to his desk. It’s tidy and clean. Like everything else in here. I open the drawer from his desk. He said I could rummage his stuff so why wouldn't I? But there really isn’t anything interesting. Just some papers and documents.

I spot an empty bird cage on the corner. I walk next to it. Felix said that he had a parrot when he was a child. Is the cage from back there? Is he that sentimental that he still kept the cage after the parrot died? I spot some feathers inside the cage. They look the same as the one he took out of his pocket that one day in his garden. I guess that bird really was important to him.

I keep inspecting the room and eventually flop back on the couch. And soon a knock comes to the door.

‘’Lady Lorelia?’’ It’s Milna’s voice.

‘’Come in.’’

Her head appears behind the door.

‘’I brought your lunch.’’ She smiles, and her smile is too wide, too knowing.

Once again, I feel embarrassed. I just nod at her. And she starts to place the trays on the table.

‘’Is there anything else you need Lady Lorelia?’’

‘’No. Thank you Milna.’’

‘’Just ring the bell if you need anything.’’

She leaves and I go sit by the table. I hope everything is going well with Felix. I have no idea how I’m going to spend this whole day in his room. Time moves so slowly. I don’t quite understand why he thinks that I have to be safe inside his barrier. I’m not the one being targeted, he is. So there really isn’t a reason to put a barrier on my room either. But the look on his face was clear, he wouldn’t pudge even if I argued back.

There is one lingering thought in my mind. Master Loneflare did sense something off about me. So would he be able to help me? Or at least to provide some information about curses? But he was so scary. I’m not sure I could ever have the courage to even speak to him. Or would he even let me speak to him anymore? I was never granted access to the Mage Tower in my previous lives. So I never got the chance to even ask him. Maybe if I asked Felix, he could arrange a meeting. But I wouldn’t want Felix to be there. I don’t want him to know what’s wrong with me.

I finish my food and go back to the couch, this time I lie there. Just staring at the fancy roof. Minutes go by as I do nothing. My mind drifts to think all the same things over and over again. Eventually, I get up and go grab one book from Felix’s shelf. One concerning economics. Since I did enjoy the economy classes. I sink myself in it. And it really is quite interesting. I had no idea how complicated a country's economy could be. Complicated but intriguing. I really have never read many books in my life. The one I have had only been about religion.

After all the economic classes and learning how the economy works here. It’s clear our system isn’t perfect. It leans too much on nobles and their business. Living as a commoner is too hard. It’s almost impossible for a commoner to rise in wealth. They are not given the opportunities for it, and the tax system is just too harsh to give them the chance to grow by themself. I hope when Felix takes over as a King, he will try to change things. At least he seems to care about the commoner's well-being too. Or maybe his future Queen will try to change things.

My mouth tastes like ashes from that thought. Just to imagine him marrying someone. Is he going to whisper those sweet and dirty words to someone else?

I can’t help but be tempted by the idea of really accepting to be his Queen. Maybe being a Queen wouldn’t be that bad. I mean I could help the country to be a better place. I could be with Felix…

No. That will never happen. I could never handle facing Felix someday, just for him to kill him. I know I have died many times, in many different ways. But be killed by him? That would break my heart. To be killed by someone who is that important to me. I hate the fact that he really is someone important to me. He shouldn’t be. I really should have stayed away from here. Everything would be much simpler if I would keep living my loops thinking he really is just some madman.

I hope God is not too mad with me for being here with him. For having these feelings. I really should visit the church. I’m not going to change my mind about being Felix’s fling. But I feel like I should go there and ask forgiveness for being selfish this time. I ring the bell and soon Milna appears in the room.

‘’Yes, Lady Lorelia?’’

‘’Hey Milna. Do you think I could go visit the church?’’

‘’I need to ask that from His Highness. Since he instructed only for you to stay in his room. I go ask and come back then.’’

‘’Thank you.’’

The door closes, and I get back at reading the book. I just hope he allows it. I also really need some fresh air. Being locked inside a single room is starting to feel suffocating. Even if the room in question is more like a house. It only takes a short while to Milna appear again and I feel my hope rising.

‘’Your Highness said that you can go after dinner. So not yet.’’

‘’Okay, thanks Milna.’’

There isn’t much time until dinner. So I can manage that easily. I’m just glad he allowed me to go. My mood rises as I keep reading the book, waiting for minutes to pass by.