Master of Minds, Master of Me

I’m officially going insane. No matter how much I tell myself not to, I always end up searching for his stupid spells. I’ve found them on my balcony, on the bench in his secret garden, and in the greenhouse where we stood when he watered all the flowers with his magic. There’s this weird need to talk to him. I’m not sure if it’s only because I feel rather lonely now that Father Owen and Hans are not here, if there’s some kind of need to talk to someone. But I’ve never had any close friends to talk to, so that shouldn’t be a problem for me.

He’s been asking what I’ve been doing, and I’ve told him. Talking to him feels somehow so natural. Maybe it’s easier because it’s just his vision. Because I know we’re really just going to talk. There’s no risk of things getting out of hand.

I’ve basically spent all my free time in his garden. He’s not even here, but somehow, he’s managed to consume my mind completely. Even though I might have to admit that I enjoy his company, it doesn’t mean that I want him. I still despise the thought of being a Queen. But maybe I could consider him a friend at least.

I enter his garden and walk straight to the flowers I moved yesterday. If I remember correctly, Felix called them Louffers. For some reason, they still don’t bloom. There are many buds, but they just won’t open. And lately, they’ve started to wither. I think I was only able to keep them from dying with my magic. So I thought maybe they were just placed in the wrong environment. I have no idea what the right environment would be, and I didn’t find any information about them in the library. They were placed in a very sunny spot, so I just took a guess and moved them to the shade. I’m a little scared that I’ll just find them in even worse condition now.

My eyes widen when I arrive where I planted them, and I see some of the buds have opened a little. The joy inside me is way greater than I could have imagined. Oh, I wish I could tell someone, share my excitement. Normally, I talked about everything with Father Owen. But I can’t do that now. And I can’t tell Felix about it either, since I don’t know where to look for his spells anymore. I think he would be excited to hear that all the flowers in his garden are now blooming. And I really want to tell him about it.

I mean, the only place I haven’t tried to find him is outside the Palace. I wonder if he left a spell by the lake? Could I even manage to sneak out here? I have no idea if I could pass Felix’s secret passage without him. Should I try? I know I shouldn’t try to sneak out of the Palace. But once again, my body moves on its own. I really do wish the Devil is making me act like this.

I walk to my room to grab my cloak and head toward the spot where we sneaked out last time. I stare at the Palace wall. What should I do to open it? Felix just placed his hand against it, and I do the same, but nothing happens. Did he use magic? I let my mana flow into the wall, and slowly the hole appears.

Oh crap. Am I really going to do this, sneaking out of the Palace just for the possibility of seeing one of Felix’s illusions? I guess I really can say goodbye to my salvation in this loop. My salvation probably went down the drain weeks ago. So I guess since it’s already lost, it doesn’t matter if I sin just a little bit more. I lift the hood and start walking toward the lake. My heart starts beating louder the closer I get. I notice that I’m already smiling.

I walk to the spot where we sat down for a picnic, and soon I see him sitting on the ground, grinning at me.

“Oh, you little sneaky pretty flower. You even escaped the Palace to see me. This is the best compliment I’ve ever received.”

Crap. I didn’t think about that at all. The fact that Felix will know I came all the way here to activate his spell. Let’s just ignore it and tell him what I came to tell.

“Your Highness. I have some good news.”

He tilts his head and smiles warmly as I sit down in front of him.

“Please, tell me. I’m already excited to hear what it is.”

“Do you remember the flowers in your garden that were only in buds?”

“You mean our garden. And are you talking about the Louffers? The ones near the fountain?”

“Yes! Those!”

He smiles at me even more widely. There’s something soft in his gaze. “What about them? I was afraid they’d wither, but judging from your expression, they didn’t.”

“They were looking pretty bad, and I basically kept them alive with my magic. So I decided to move them to a different spot yesterday. Just a moment ago, when I went to look at them, a couple of buds were open!”

“Really? That’s amazing! How did you figure out where you should move them?”

“I just took a guess. I mean, I tried to find some information about the flowers in the library, but came out empty-handed. They were placed in a rather sunny spot, so I just thought it would be worth a shot to move them to a shadier place.”

“I knew I made the right choice leaving the garden in your care. You really are amazing. You have no idea how happy you make me feel right now.”

“I’m glad you’re happy too that your garden is blooming.”

He chuckles and reaches his hand toward me to tuck my hair behind my ear. “Of course I’m happy that the garden is blooming. But I’m way happier that my pretty flower is blooming this much.”

I fall silent. Does he mean me? Why would he say that I’m blooming? I really don’t think people can exactly bloom, whatever that even means.

“I don’t understand what that even means,” I admit.

“It means that you’re acting more like yourself and less like a statue. Your smile is radiant, your voice is excited, and your eyes sparkle.”

I suddenly feel a little shy. Am I really acting that differently? Well, now that I think about it, I really don’t remember when I ever wanted to tell something this badly to someone. Since nothing new ever happens in my life, I already know everything that’s going to happen. So of course there hasn’t been any need to talk about anything like that. Since I’m now here, I don’t know what’s going to happen. I hated it at first, and maybe still do. But maybe I’ve gotten used to it a little bit. And seeing those flowers blooming really was exciting. Seeing them made me happy. So happy that I wanted to tell someone about it. And that someone just needed to be Felix, since I don’t know who else to tell. And it’s his garden after all. He should know about it.

“I didn’t want to make you fall silent. Talk to me, Lo.”

I snap my focus back to him, not realising I got lost in my thoughts.

“Sorry.”

“What day is it?”

“Sunday.”

“Any plans for today?”

“No. After you vanish, I’m just going to go back to your garden.”

“Our garden. Why not visit the temple?”

“The temple?”

“You’re already outside the Palace, aren’t you? Why not go there?”

Well, he’s not wrong. I liked visiting the temple with him that one day.

“It’s not a bad idea. Maybe I will.”

“Do you still visit the church every day?”

“Yes, I pray there every morning.”

He smirks. “Have you ever prayed for me?”

Crap. Yes, I have. Every morning after he left, I’ve prayed that he’ll be okay, that he won’t get hurt. But I don’t want him to know that. So I just stay silent, not wanting to tell the truth, but not wanting to lie either.

He laughs softly. “I’ll take your silence as a yes. I assure you, I’m going to be fine. Thanks to you.”

“Thanks to me? Why?”

“Because you warned me about the canyon.”

A huge relief floods into me, and an equal amount of panic. Relief for the knowledge that Father Owen told me about my request. Panic for the fact that he might get suspicious about my warning.

“So you didn’t go through the canyon?”

I just want to make sure. If he didn’t, then he wouldn’t know about the ambush and maybe wouldn’t get suspicious of me.

“No, I decided to go there anyway.”

“What?”

I’m not sure if I’m more shocked about the fact that he might get hurt or the fact that he’ll most definitely realise that I knew about the ambush. But I feel the panic taking over me anyway, no matter the reason.

“Don’t look so worried, Lo. Taking a detour would’ve cost too much time. But I promise I'm careful when I go through there, or more accurately, was careful. Since it’s Sunday, I’ve most definitely passed through the canyon already.”

So he already knows about the ambush. When the ambush happened in my previous loops, the whole city knew about it. All the papers were filled with the news about Felix’s assassination attempt and the fact that he was rushed to the hospital. But I haven’t heard anything. So I guess that’s a good sign. But if he dealt with the enemies, he most definitely knows now that I knew about it.

My chest aches, and not in a good way. What will happen to me when he arrives? Is he going to question me about it? Demand I tell him how I knew what was going to happen? Will he execute me for it?

My hand instinctively moves to my throat as the image of the guillotine chopping it off flashes through my mind. But maybe saving Felix from getting hurt was worth the looming doom over my head.

Wait. That doesn’t make any sense. Felix is the biggest looming doom over our country. Why would saving him from the attack be worth the risk of execution?

“Lo? What’s wrong? Why do you look so troubled?”

I focus on him again. Of course he wouldn’t understand since this vision version of him doesn't know about the ambush yet. So are these spells of his the last opportunity to talk to him without him being suspicious of me? But I don’t even know if this is the last spell or if there are more somewhere I haven’t found yet.

“How many of these spells did you place?” Suddenly, I need to know.

He falls silent for a while, probably thinking about the answer.

“Ten.”

Ten? I’ve found six, so there are four still left.

“Are you going to answer me? Why did you look so worried?” His voice is full of concern, and he furrows his brows.

“No reason. Forget it,” I say. There’s no need to tell him. I don’t want to witness the accusation in his gaze. Not yet.

“I promise there’s nothing to be worried about. So please, just go back to talking about flowers, or whatever makes you happy. We only have about two minutes left.”

I give him a faint smile. “How about you talk about something that makes you happy?” I suggest.

His face freezes like he’s experiencing some big shock, and I have no idea what got into him.

“Right now? You just asking that makes me incredibly happy.”

“Why?”

“’Cause that means you’re curious about me. You really are softening up to me, aren’t you?” He smirks.

“Don’t read too much into it. We’ve just always talked about me, and I honestly don’t know much about you.”

“How’s that possible? I thought you had an entire week of lessons about me.”

“Well yes, but it just felt like all the knowledge was half-truths. They described you as calm and calculating, that you always act so professionally and take things seriously. Their version of you seems pretty different from my version of you.”

He starts to laugh. “That’s one part of me. The public part. My character as the Crown Prince.”

“And what part is the one I’ve seen?”

He tilts his head while keeping his smile on. “My character as just Felix. When I’m with you, I don’t want you to see me as a Crown Prince. I want you to see me as Felix. Just an ordinary man, nothing more.”

His words definitely shift something inside me, in a good and bad way. And I feel guilty again for not calling him by his name. I guess living life as a Crown Prince affects your social life quite a lot.

“An ordinary man? I’m pretty sure even without being a Crown Prince, you’d be far from ordinary,” I point out.

He chuckles again, and his laughter affects me way too much. Every time he laughs, I feel this warm sensation inside me.

“I hope that’s a good thing. You do realise you’re far from ordinary too?”

Am I? I mean, of course, I know being cursed makes me far from ordinary. But Felix doesn’t know that. I’ve always thought I’m average in everything.

He suddenly cups my cheeks with his hand and leans in closer. My heartbeat skyrockets when his face moves closer to mine.

“Our time is up. See you at the temple, Lo.”

And then he’s just gone.

See you at the temple? Does he mean that he placed one of his spells inside the temple?

And once again, my body just moves on its own toward the city and the temple, walking the same path we walked together. I have no idea at what point I got so addicted to him. At what point did I get so drawn to him? When he left a week ago, I didn’t feel like this. I wanted him to go and leave me in peace. But now that I have the peace I wanted, it isn’t as blissful as I thought. I guess there really is truth in what people say, that we only realise what we have after we lose it.