Master of Minds, Master of Me

I have finished my dinner, and my anxiety rises as the minutes pass by. I have no idea when Felix is going to come. But he said that we would visit the greenhouse today, and I have mixed feelings about that. I mean, of course, I want to go there. I love spending time there with Hans. But going there with Felix? That just feels too dangerous. I really hope Hans will be there so that maybe the situation would feel a little bit less awkward.

And the worst part? I feel my body tensing already. The memory of what he did yesterday is way too vivid. I hate it. I hate how he makes me feel. I want to focus on what’s important, but it’s just impossible when I’m with him. And I don’t think I have ever yelled like I yelled at him yesterday. I didn’t even recognize myself. I have never told anyone to shut up like that. I have no idea what got into me. Why did I burst like that? I really need to focus today, to act more properly. No priest or priestess would ever yell like that.

Then a knock on the balcony door wakes me from my thoughts. I gulp and get up from my chair, seeing Felix standing there. I feel my heart beating faster already. Will I ever get used to his presence? Why does only the sight of him make me react like this? I walk to open the door, not making the same mistake as yesterday. Clearly, there’s no use in trying to prevent him from seeing me. He smiles brightly when I open the balcony door.

“Those look like pretty nice arms,” he says.

“What?” He really does always say the weirdest things.

He tilts his head and smirks. “Could I see how they would feel around me?”

I stare at him, once again not knowing what to say to that. I hate how I always fall silent so easily nowadays.

“Is your silence a yes?”

“No.”

“Oh… Well, that’s too bad. But like I’ve said, I really don’t care about others’ opinions that much. So I’m going to make it happen anyway.”

“Your Highness, I’m not going to—”

In the middle of my sentence, he scoops me up into his arms, and I almost instinctively wrap my hands around his shoulders but stop myself.

“Put me down! And stop interrupting me every time I’m speaking!” I snap at him.

“Woah, aren’t you feisty right away? And I do apologize. I’m just not a patient man. But in order to jump down, I need you to be in my arms.”

“Why can’t we just walk from the door like normal people?”

“That’s just way too boring, and there wouldn’t be arms wrapping around me then.”

“I’m not wrapping my arms around you this way either!”

“You sure?”

“Yes!”

“Well, suit yourself.”

He walks closer to the railing and jumps to stand on top of it. I glance down. He really is crazy for always doing this. The drop is long, but I’m sure he will hold on to me tightly enough. There really isn’t a reason for me to hold on to him. Then his foot slips from the railing, and I yelp in panic. I close my eyes and wrap my hands around him, scared that we will fall. But he steadies himself quickly and starts to chuckle.

“My pretty flower surely is easy to fool.”

I open my eyes and look at him. He looks so smug, so pleased with his little trick. What a jerk. And I’m ready to tell him exactly that.

“Your Highne—”

He jumps, and my sentence turns into a yelp as I press myself against him more tightly. After we land, I loosen my grip and glare at him.

“You jerk! Stop interrupting me all the time! Did no one ever teach you manners in this place?”

He just chuckles. “Sorry. They did, but I decided not to follow them.”

“Why?”

“Because making you mad is one way to get you to express yourself, to make you be true to yourself.”

Be true to myself? Is he saying that the angry me is the real me or something? That’s not true. I’m not like this. I’m calm, gentle, and good. He’s just making me act against my true self.

“You’re wrong about that. Stop doing that.”

“Well, the other way to crack your statue-like appearance is to slide my hand under your dress like yesterday. Would you prefer that one? I’d definitely prefer that one too.”

“No!” I yell. “Never do that again! And put me down!”

He keeps chuckling as he puts me down. “Never say never, Lo.”

“Never.”

I turn on my heels and start walking toward the greenhouse. I hope the presence of flowers will help me relax. I hear his steps behind me, and soon he appears next to me.

“So, are you excited to visit the greenhouse?”

“Yes and no.”

“Meaning?”

“Yes, because I miss the place. No, because you’re going to be there too.”

“Ouch!” He covers his chest with his hands. “Like an arrow straight to the heart.”

I ignore him and just walk in silence.

“You’re really going to ignore my bleeding heart?” His voice is dramatic.

“It’s not bleeding, Your Highness.”

“Yes, it is. My feelings are bleeding.”

“Good.”

“How is that good?”

“Maybe if you bleed dry, you’ll stop pestering me like this.”

“Oh, no chance of that. My feelings for you are endless. Like a never-ending source.”

Of course, they’re not. He said himself that he wanted me only for the time I’m here. And after the Selections end, we end too. We’ll be just strangers again, nothing to each other. If his feelings for me were that powerful, he wouldn’t want things to end between us. My heart aches at the thought.

Wait. Why did I think something like that? Like there is something between us? There isn’t. We are nothing. So nothing is going to change when I finally get back home, back where I belong.

We finally see the greenhouse, and I spot Hans just about to exit.

“Hans! It’s so good to see you.”

“Lady Lorelia, what a lovely surprise. It’s good to see you too. And you too, of course, Your Highness.” He turns toward Felix. “Everything is set just like you wanted, Your Highness.”

“Thanks, Hans.”

I stare at them, confused. What is set up? Felix turns to face me.

“Come on. The work waits.”

“I hope you have a pleasant time,” Hans says.

“Are you leaving already? Can’t you stay?” I ask. I really don’t want Hans to leave.

“Yes. Since you two are going to handle the greenhouse, I got the chance to spend a little more time with my wife. So I’m going to see her.”

“Oh… Of course. I hope you two have a lovely time together.”

Of course he wants to spend time with his wife. It was selfish of me to even ask him to stay. Why would I ever ask that? I’m not selfish. I can’t be selfish. I need to be content.

“You coming?”

I lift my gaze to Felix, who has already stepped inside the greenhouse. I walk toward him.

“What did Hans mean by saying we’re handling the greenhouse?” I ask.

“Exactly that. I know how much you enjoy taking care of the flowers, so I thought we could do that together. And don’t worry, I’m not going to cheat and use my magic.”

I freeze and stare at him. I don’t know what to think. He really is very observant about everything. How did he know that using his magic felt like cheating for me? I don’t know how knowing that makes me feel, but I definitely feel something.

He continues, “Since I really don’t know anything about taking care of the flowers, you’re the boss now.”

I stare at him and then at the flowers behind him. I don’t know if I should feel happy, scared, anxious, or what.

“Okay. Since you’re stronger than me, you can go fill the watering cans first.” I order him.

He smiles widely at me, and that stupid stir in my chest appears again.

“On it!”

He turns and goes to gather all the empty cans. I still just stand there and stare at him. And at some point, he turns to look at me.

“If you like to stare at me so much, would you prefer me to take my shirt off? Since you clearly like my bare chest so much.”

I feel my cheeks grow hot in seconds, and minor panic consumes me.

“No, I don’t!”

“Oh yes, you do. There’s no denying that. I bet you’ve even dreamed about touching my chest.”

My cheeks flush even more, since he’s right.

“Shut up and focus on the work!” I snap at him.

He chuckles. “Only if you do that too.”

I move my gaze away from him and walk toward the flowers, starting to inspect them to see which ones need watering and planning our work. Soon we both sink into taking care of the flowers. I use my magic on some of them, wanting to make sure they grow well. And it doesn’t take long for me to relax. The anxiousness and anger fade away, even though Felix is here too. He keeps talking constantly as we work, but it doesn’t surprisingly bother me at all. It feels rather comfortable to speak with him.

“Have you traveled a lot?”

I turn to look at Felix again. He has mainly been questioning me while we work. Some of them I’ve been able to answer, some not. But he clearly picks up when the subject is uncomfortable for me and asks something else. I guess it’s because of his illusion magic. Even though knowing that he can sense my mind feels disturbing, I guess there are some benefits to it too. Luckily, that question is easy to answer.

“Yes. But basically only to visit different temples around the country. After I turned eighteen, I asked my father to take me with him every time when he goes to visit other temples.”

“Do you like to travel?”

“Yes, I do. Seeing different temples has always been exciting.”

“What about seeing the cities around the temples? Is any city your favorite? Some city you wish to visit again?”

Cities? I mean, of course, I’ve been in them when we go to the temple, but I don’t exactly remember much of them. My focus is only on the temples, so I never paid much attention to the cities surrounding them. Crap. What should I say? Before I manage to decide, Felix continues.

“Which temple has been your favorite?”

Oh, that’s easier to answer. “Of course the Grand Temple is my favorite since it’s like a second home to me. But if I had to pick one from the travels, I’d definitely choose the temple in Rivel City. It’s the most unique one, there’s way more color and decoration there than in any other temple.”

“That’s true. It follows the same pattern as the whole city. Every building there is its own piece of art.”

They are? I try to remember what Rivel City looked like when we visited the temple there, but I really can’t remember. Maybe next time when I visit, I should try to focus on the city a little bit too.

“Have you ever been abroad?” He keeps asking questions.

And that one is tougher to answer. Since I have, but not in this loop. I once thought that maybe I could escape dying by fleeing to another country. It didn’t work out, obviously. I did survive a little longer, though. I lived a couple of months longer before I died. But since in this life I haven’t visited any other countries, I should say no.

“No, I haven’t.”

“Would you like to?”

I sink into my thoughts. Would I? I’ve never thought about that. Well, actually, thinking about that is kind of useless anyway. I’m not going to earn salvation by traveling abroad.

“There’s no reason to travel to other countries.”

“I didn’t ask if there’s a reason. I asked if you’d like to.”

“No.” I think it’s just easier to deny it.

“I would have guessed that you’d like to travel.”

“Why?”

“Judging from how much you liked the foreign flowers in our garden, I thought you’d be excited to travel and go see different plants, to try to discover new ones.”

Oh. That does sound pretty exciting, to be honest. The flowers are so pretty in his secret garden. I had no idea flowers like those even existed. So it would be rather exciting to visit gardens in other countries too. I bet they would be beautiful.

I shake my growing excitement away. There’s no reason to want something like that. That will never happen to me. I’ll never travel. I’ll live here and die here. That’s all I get.

“What are you thinking?” Felix startles me when he suddenly appears in front of me.

“Nothing.” I turn away from him and move to water some other flowers.

“You can’t fool me. You were clearly getting excited after I suggested you go see flowers from other countries. But then suddenly your mood changed, you got sad. What made the change?”

“Stop feeling my mind.”

“Hard pass on that. I want to get to know you, the real you. And it would be impossible if I couldn’t feel your mind.”

“There’s no need to get to know me. After three weeks, I’m out of your life.”

That makes him surprisingly quiet. I focus on the flowers before me, enjoying the silence. But the silence actually feels pretty weird after all the talking, though I guess it’s still a good thing. When the flowers are watered, I let my magic flow through them. I take a step back and look at them. Those were the last ones. Now all the flowers are taken care of. And doing all this with Felix wasn’t so bad after all. I walk next to the faucet, wash my hands, and dry them.

Then suddenly, Felix’s hand appears, and he grabs me by the shoulders and slams me against the wall. I yelp when my back hits the glass wall.

‘’What are—’’

‘’I don’t want to,’’ he interrupts me.

‘’You don’t want what?’’

‘’You out of my life.’’

‘’What?’’ For some reason, I can’t comprehend him.

‘’I want you in my life. I need you in my life.’’

‘’What are you talking about?’’

I have no idea what got into him. His eyes are drilled into me. Just his gaze makes my body tense up. I feel my heart beating faster, stronger.

‘’I want you, Lo. So bad.’’

‘’Your Highness, I have already said that—’’

‘’I want you to be my Queen, Lo.’’

‘’What?’’ I say way too loudly.

The shock from his words consumes me. He already said that he wouldn’t make me the Queen. Why would he change his mind?

‘’I don’t want to marry anyone else. I want you.’’

I stare at him in utter shock. Why would he ever want me? Can’t he realize how broken I am? I am of no use. I’m utterly useless. I’m nothing.

‘’Your Highness, I don’t want to be a Queen. You already told me that you are not going to make me one. And even if you want that, I’m never going to be picked for the top three candidates. My results are not that good.’’

‘’I’ll figure something out.’’

‘’No! Can’t you hear me? I don’t want to be a Queen!’’

His hands start to slowly glide against my body, and the tingling electricity sends shivers right through me. I hate how my body reacts to him.

‘’What if I convince you?’’

‘’Convince me of what?’’

‘’To be a Queen. My Queen.’’

‘’You will never succeed in that. Being a Queen is the last thing I want.’’

His hand get dangerously close to my breasts and the heat within me rises.

‘’Then I’ll convince you that you want me so much that you’ll accept the position of Queen.’’

‘’I don’t want you,’’ I try my best to sound stern. But I hear the weakness in my voice. The shakiness, the hesitation. Like I’m trying to convince myself more than him.

He leans in, his face only inches away from mine.

‘’You sure about that?’’ His voice is low and teasing.

I just nod. Since I can’t muster the courage to answer anything. His hands against my body feel like fire. It’s hard to focus on anything else than his traveling hands.

He chuckles, lowly, darkly. I notice his eyes are deeper colored again. The looming sea calling me in again. Louring me to dive deeper.

‘’If you don’t want me, why do you never fight back when I move close to you?’’

I… I don’t know. I hate myself for it. But for some reason, I just freeze almost every time. Like I forget how to move my muscles, how to fight back and escape.

‘’If you don’t want this. You should show it.’’ His mouth moves even closer to me.

I feel his breath against my lips. I still keep silent, still unable to move. I just stare at him. My eyes drops to his lips. He is so close. Too close. I can’t help but wonder how it really would feel to kiss him. To taste him. Would I like it? Would I hate it? His other hand travels up and lifts my chin up. I snap my eyes back to his as he starts to smirk.

‘’You do realize that you watching me like that makes me go crazy? I won’t be able to hold myself back for long, Lo. Not when you act like that. Not when I can sense the need from you.’’

Can he sense my need? Is my mind that obvious? Do I really want him? His thumb gently glides over my lower lip, and I part my lips. I don’t know why I do that. But I do. And right after that his lips slams into mine.

His whole presence consumes me as he kisses me. I feel like exploding. Like the emotions inside me are too much. His lips are gentle, they feel soft against mine. I can’t resist kissing him back. I had no idea that kissing would feel like this. That it would make me feel like this. My hands slide to his chest and I cling to his shirt. The whole world disappears around me when all I can think about is him and how he feels against me.

His hands start to explore my body. The heat gathers between my thighs once again. He presses himself more tightly against me, and once again I feel his… thing against me. And that makes my reason to wake up a little bit. I push him slightly away from his chest so our lips part.

‘’Your Highness. We shouldn’t—’’

He slams his lips back to mine. More forcefully this time. Somehow more demanding. I try to resist him, but he consumes me too much. I feel like melting against him, like he has some weird power to bend my will. His lips are harder now, the kiss is different. More powerful.

His left hand finds my breast and I open my eyes when he starts to caress me. The odd foreign feeling inside me intensifies. And my panic starts to surface. Now my eyes open I realize we are still inside the greenhouse. The glass walls don't hide us at all. Anyone could just walk past and see us. I push him away more forcefully.

‘’We need to stop. Someone can see us.’’

His right hand slowly creeps up to my throat, making my panic rise even more. He just grins at me.

‘’Are you afraid someone will find out how lustful you really are under your polished surface?’’

‘’I’m not lustful,’’ I say with a shaky voice.

His fingers chokes me a little tighter, making me clench my thighs together. His right hand leaves my breast to travel down and he leans in to whisper in my ear.

‘’Are you sure about that? Should I sink my fingers under your dress to check?’’

‘’No!’’

But my denial is nothing to him. He lifts the hem of my dress and glides his hand along my leg. Caressing it on the way up. I try to push him away.

‘’I said no!’’ I try to say again.

He just chuckles against my neck. ‘’I heard what you said. But your body talks louder than you. And so does your mind.’’

His hand reaches my panties. And he presses it against my… thing. A moan escapes me. The need for the pressure was already there. So finally receiving it feels way too good. I’m just glad that there is still the fabric between us.

‘’My pretty flower is already wet for me.’’ He says darkly while kissing my neck.

‘’Stop,’’ I try to plead.

But then his fingers slide under my panties, rubbing against my bare skin. The touch feels so wrong, like it’s burning me, breaking me. But at the same time it feels so good and so right. I cling to his shirt more tightly. Trying to have more support since I feel like my body is going to collapse at any moment.

I hear my voice filling the air, breathing is starting to get hard. Something foreign gathers inside me. Something that scares me. Something I don’t want to feel.

I try to push him away once again.

‘’Stop it!’’ I yell at him.

‘’Why?’’

‘’It feels weird. Just stop it. I don’t like it.’’

To my surprise, he does stop. He withdraws his hand, and I sigh in relief. But my body strongly disagrees, the place between my thighs feels empty now, aching for something I don’t want to need.

He lifts his hand and I see it glisten. He tilts his head and smirks at me.

‘’If you don’t like it, why are you trembling like that? And why my fingers are soaking wet from your arousal?’’

I feel my cheeks flush as I stare at him. That can’t be from me. It just can’t. I don’t accept it. He slowly lifts his finger and opens his mouth and slides the fingers between his lips. My eyes widen as I stare at him, sucking his own fingers. Did he really just do that? That is just wrong and disgusting. But still my thighs keep clenching tighter together.

He withdraws the fingers and his grip on my throat tightens and he pulls my head closer to his.

‘’Fuck you taste good. I can’t wait to taste you even more. I can’t wait to sink my mouth in you, making you moan even louder, make you shatter against me.’’

I can’t ever understand how he can talk like that. Something so foul. I really need to get away from him. I have no idea why I have just been standing here, doing nothing, letting him touch me like this.

Then a sudden vibration comes from his pocket, surprising us both. He takes a communication stone out of his pocket. I let out a heavy exhale, so pleased about the distraction.

That little stone probably just saved me from doing something I would have regretted.