Master of Minds, Master of Me

Felix looks at the communication stone like it's the Devil himself.

‘’Why now?’’ he says with a frustrated voice.

He lets his mana flow into the stone. Soon the vibration ends, and it starts to glow.

‘’What is it?’’ Felix says bluntly.

‘’Emergency,’’ a foreign man’s voice comes through the stone.

‘’What kind?’’

‘’Hilver kind.’’

‘’Fuck!’’ Felix bursts out, clenching his fists together.

The stone grows dark again. His eyes meet mine, he looks like he’s battling with something. He leans and rests his head against the wall behind me.

‘’I really don’t want to go,’’ his voice is low, defeated. ‘’Not now.’’

The pain in his voice makes my heart ache for some reason. But I still don’t understand what’s the problem. If there is an emergency, he should already be going.

‘’Just go,’’ I try to push him.

‘’But I want to be with you, Lo.’’

‘’Your Highness, you need to go.’’

He withdraws and faces me. I don’t like his expression at all. He looks even more defeated.

‘’Still not going to call me Felix?’’

A stab of guilt shoots through me. I shouldn’t feel guilty. There’s no reason to call him Felix out loud.

‘’Please, Lo. Just call me by my name, even once before I go.’’

I don’t know why he is so stubborn about it. I keep my mouth shut. I just stare at him, not knowing what to say. If I call him by his name, it’s like I admit that we are something. That there really is something between us. And I don’t want there to be anything.

He caresses my cheek gently and gives me a faint, sad smile.

‘’You really are killing my spirit here. I probably won’t be able to see you for a long time.’’

‘’Why?’’ I’m not sure why I even ask, since I should just be relieved knowing I won’t see him.

‘’I have a hunch that the emergency is something that will take a long time.’’

‘’What is it?’’

‘’Nothing to worry about. I’ll try my best to come back to you.’’

What? What does he mean by that? Why wouldn’t he come back to the palace? I keep staring at him. I want to ask, but for some reason my lips won’t move. Then he presses his lips against mine. They are gentle again. The kiss feels sad somehow. Like he is saying goodbye with it. When he withdraws I still keep myself silent, just staring at him.

‘’Will you take care of our garden when I’m gone?’’ He asks.

‘’But I can’t go there without you.’’

‘’Yes, you can.’’

I can? But why does he want me to take care of it? Again, I can’t find the strength to ask him, so I just nod.

‘’Thanks, Lo.’’

He stands there a while, looking like he’s waiting for something. Not sure what. But eventually he smiles again with a hint of sadness, turns around, and leaves the greenhouse.

I keep staring at his distancing back. Did he expect me to say something? It was maybe rather rude of me to just stay silent.

I still don’t understand the change in his behavior at all. I just hope the emergency wasn’t anything too bad. But I’m glad I can have some freedom from him. I really need it if I’m going to survive my time here.

I gather myself and start heading to my room. As I walk, I feel the wetness between my thighs way too clearly. I can’t believe myself. How did things end up like this? His kiss still lingers on my lips. I’ve comforted myself with the fact that I have never wanted him to touch me, that he has forced himself on me. But that kiss? I did want it. So much. And it was much more consuming, so much better than I could have ever imagined. And that makes things even harder.

I'm not going to earn my salvation like this. Should I just go ask for forgiveness right away? Would that make a difference?

I turn around and head to the church. Let’s play it safe, just in case. When I arrive at the church, I go sit in the first row. I close my eyes and sink into my prayer. Mainly, I ask forgiveness for what happened today. It is not okay to do those things with a man who will get engaged in a couple of weeks. I should not enjoy doing those things. Not with him.

And it suddenly hits me, the fact that he is a madman. Like I totally just forgot the fact that he is a murderer. I have only been worried about doing lustful things. The fact that he is an evil man slipped totally out of my mind today. He’s so happy and playful that it is hard to imagine what he will do in the future. I wonder what makes him change like that.

I shake my head and focus back on the prayer. I pray my usual mantra, praying for my family and other people. I feel my thoughts constantly drifting, and time passes by as I just sit there, eyes closed. After a long time, I hear the door burst open, and I turn around to see Father Owen there. It’s pretty late, so I’m quite surprised to see him. He looks out of breath.

“Father Owen? Are you alright?”

He slowly walks toward me and sits next to me. His breathing is ragged and heavy.

“I’m glad I found you.”

“Me? Why were you looking for me?”

“I just wanted to see you before leaving.”

“Leaving? Where?”

I don’t want him to leave. His company has been so important to me.

“Something happened in the north, and I will go help the citizens there.”

“In the north?”

Does this have something to do with the emergency that Felix went to handle?

“Yes. I don’t know how long I will be gone. We are leaving right away, so I just wanted to see you before that one more time.”

I fall silent. The north… Did something happen in the north? Why can’t I remember… The man mentioned Hilver through the communication stone.

Then it hits me, the attack from Hilver. How could I not remember it? The time here at the Palace moves so differently that I’ve totally forgotten the rhythm of things. Hilver attacked our country. The city was evacuated quickly, so there were not many casualties. Felix led the Royal Army there. They took the fastest road through the canyon. But it was an ambush. Duke Callum had helped them invade our country a couple of days before the actual attack and set a trap for Felix. Felix did survive, but was injured pretty badly.

I never thought about it much, since I’ve always believed Felix was a bad person. And maybe our country wouldn’t have gone into civil war if Felix had actually died there. But now… The thought of him fighting and getting injured pains me way too much. Way more than I’d like to admit. What should I do? I can’t exactly tell them what’s about to happen. They’ll think I’m just crazy again. Maybe even blame me for treason for knowing something like that. If I knew about an assassination attempt, they would definitely suspect that I had something to do with it. Crap. I don’t know what to do. I don’t want Felix to get hurt. But I don’t want to end up in a guillotine again. I couldn’t bear to see Felix watching me beheaded, thinking I was part of some treason.

“Lorelia?”

I wake from my panic when I feel Father Owen’s hand on my shoulder. I move my eyes to his. He looks worried.

“What’s wrong?”

I stare at him. Is he going to get hurt too if he travels there?

“Lorelia? You’re scaring me. Tell me what’s wrong.”

“I…” I don’t know what to say.

“Yes?” he urges.

“I just have a very bad feeling about it.”

“About what?”

“Are you traveling there with the army?”

“Yes.”

I need to warn them. I must.

“If you see the Crown Prince, tell him not to go through the canyon.”

“What?”

“Please, don’t go through there.”

“Why? The canyon is the safest and fastest route.”

“I just have a bad feeling about it. Please, he can’t go through the canyon.”

Crap. He’s totally going to think I’m just going crazy here. No one would ever listen to just some noble lady giving advice on how to move an army.

He grabs my hands in his. His hands are warm against mine.

“Okay. I’ll tell him.”

Really? Was it that easy? Of course, telling Felix about it doesn’t mean that he’ll change his plans. I can only hope he will.

“You will?” I ask, just wanting to make sure I heard him right.

“Yes.”

“Thank you.”

He smiles at me gently. “Are you afraid something bad might happen to the Crown Prince?”

I turn my gaze away from him, feeling my cheeks flush a little. Crap. Was I that obvious? But I can’t just admit that. Father Owen doesn’t know that the man I’ve talked about is Felix. But I guess lying is futile at this point if he already noticed my concern.

“Well, I think anyone would be concerned about him getting hurt. He is the Crown Prince, after all,” I try to soften.

“Sure. I’m sure he would be pleased to know that you worry about him.”

“It’s not like that!” I say way too loudly.

Or is it? I shouldn’t worry about him. Even though I know him better now, it doesn’t change the future. Even though I keep forgetting that he is a bad man, it doesn’t make him any better.

He chuckles at me. “Sure. Of course it isn’t. But unfortunately, I need to go.”

“Already? Why do they need you there? If the Royal army is going, why would they need a priest?”

“I’m going there to help the citizens, nothing more.”

Well, I guess it’s common for priests to help with that. I do remember that they built an evacuation site somewhere, so he’s probably going there.

“Okay.” My voice is more like a whisper.

He suddenly hugs me. “Are you going to be okay here?”

“Me? I should be the one asking that. I’m not the one going to—” I fall silent when I realize I almost admitted knowing what is happening up there. “—away,” I change my ending.

He withdraws from the hug. “That didn’t answer my question. I asked if you are going to be okay.”

“Of course I am.”

I really don’t get why he worries about me so much.

“Good. Feel free to use the church as much as you want while I’m gone.”

I nod, and he gets up from the chair, and so do I. We bid each other farewell, and he turns to exit the church while I stand there watching him leave. When he opens the door, he turns to look at me and smiles. There’s something familiar about it. I give him my usual gentle smile, and he leaves.

I slump back on the bench. I’m still feeling pretty anxious about this. Was warning Felix the right thing to do? What if he still goes through the canyon and gets ambushed? Then he realizes that I tried to warn him about it, which means he knows that I knew about the ambush. Would he blame me for treason? Would the fact that I tried to warn him make my sentence any better?

I shouldn’t worry about that since I’ve already made my decision. There’s nothing I can do about it anymore. Let’s just hope that Felix does change his plans. But why would he? He doesn’t even know that I know about the invasion in the north. So, from his perspective, I’m just a noble lady giving advice while knowing nothing.

I get up and head toward my room. My heart aches so much right now, and I don’t know if it’s because I’m afraid that I’m going to end up in a guillotine, or because I’m afraid that Felix will get hurt.

I wish it were the former, but I’m afraid it’s the latter.