Master of Minds, Master of Me

After breakfast, I immediately dart toward the church. I somehow need to cleanse my mind. Last night was horrible. I was consumed by nightmares. Nightmares about Felix, about his touch, and about his… thing. I felt so guilty and embarrassed every time I woke up. My body felt so hot and wrong. I need to feel calm and right again, so I hope that the church will provide me with the peace I need.

I open the church door and find it empty. This time, I don’t sit in the first row like usual. I go straight to the altar and kneel before the statue of the God of Creation, wanting to offer myself fully, really needing aid from God.

I plead for forgiveness: for being so weak, for feeling something so wrong, for not being pure. I don’t know what I need to do to earn God’s help to break my curse, but I’m absolutely sure that doing things like that with the Crown Prince isn’t helping at all. I’m not sure if the worst thing is the fact that he is a royal. That someone like me should never tangle myself with the royals. I’m just nobody. Just a dull wet cloth or a can of still-warm water left on the dining table. Or is the worst thing the fact that he is a murderer? Well, maybe he is not one yet, but he will be. So I’m pretty sure God won’t appreciate me getting involved with someone who will make Her creation plunge into civil war.

This whole loop has been so confusing. Everything is so wrong and so… lively.

Lively?

I linger on that thought for a while. But it’s true, my life has been rather lively after I came to the palace. And the lessons have honestly been pretty interesting. I have actually enjoyed them. They have made me a little guilty, though. Since I have lived this loop so many times, there has been so much time to learn about everything, to study different subjects. I could have gathered so much knowledge during my loops, but I haven’t. Not really. I have only sealed myself inside the temple, thinking only about devoting myself to God, as if that is the only right answer.

If someone else were cursed like me, would they be able to deal with it better? Would they try to benefit from living the same things all over again?

But on the other hand, what use does all that knowledge hold when the world doesn’t keep going, when everything just ends anyway? I have tried to search for knowledge about curses and the Devil, to find a way to break my curse. But there really isn’t anything. So my only hope is God. God is the most powerful being, so devoting myself to Her has to be the right choice. It has to.

“Is there something troubling you?”

I open my eyes and see Father Owen standing before me.

“You could say so.”

He kneels down next to me. “Want to talk about it?”

I don’t know. Usually, opening up to Father Owen eases my mind, but something makes me hesitate. He takes my hand in his.

“It pains me to see you this troubled. I want to help.” His voice is calm and warm.

I turn my head to look at him. He really is a good person. I wonder if I will ever be able to be good like him.

“Please forgive me, I don’t want to make you worry. I just had a bad night,” I admit.

“Never apologize for something like that. What happened at night?”

“I had nightmares.”

“Nightmares?” He sounds pretty surprised, like he wasn’t expecting that. But I already said I had a bad night, so nightmares should be pretty expected.

“Yes. I woke up many times and barely slept.”

“I’m sorry to hear that. What did you dream about?”

Embarrassment floods me when the memories from my dreams come to mind. And also everything that happened yesterday.

“Just about things I don’t want to experience.”

“Correct me if I’m wrong, but you seem rather flustered. So did the dreams include something concerning your attraction toward that one man?”

The embarrassment turns more potent, since he is right. I just nod. He lets out a chuckle. My eyes focus on him as I watch him laugh softly. I’m not sure why, but something about that just makes me stare at him.

“What’s so funny?” I ask.

“Sorry for laughing. But I do think you’re rather cute being like that. I do try my best to help and understand your situation, your need to resist the attraction. But sometimes doing that is rather hard.”

Cute? I don’t think there’s anything cute about having carnal thoughts about a murderer. I stay silent, not knowing what to say.

“Can I confess something to you?” he says.

His question honestly surprises me.

“Of course. You have listened to my worries for weeks now. I would listen to anything you tell me, Father.”

“I also have a rather big attraction toward someone I shouldn’t.”

His confession surprises me even more.

“Why shouldn’t you have the attraction?”

His eyes drill into me. “Mostly because the woman in question doesn’t want to receive my attraction.”

“Doesn’t she like you?”

“No. Not at all.”

“I’m sorry to hear that. Honestly, it’s hard to imagine someone wouldn’t like you. Your company is very enjoyable.”

“Well, actually… I don’t really believe that she doesn’t like me. I think it’s more like she doesn’t want to like me. She’s made this weird decision that she doesn’t want to have any relationship with a man. And now that she slowly realizes she actually might want one, she resists it. Wanting to stick to her previous decision and not change her path.”

“Oh… Well, I do think people should listen more to their hearts than reason. The lives of nobles are too bound by logic and contracts. When considering marriage, we hardly give a second thought to feelings. We only think about how much we benefit from it. So if there’s a chance to actually form a marriage based on feelings, people should go for it.”

“So are you saying that I should try to pursue her, even though she doesn’t want marriage?”

“If you really are sure that she likes you behind her resolution, then there’s no reason not to at least try.”

Just the thought of someone actually finding love makes me happy. I honestly want other people to be happy. But for some reason, the thought of it also feels a little bitter. Maybe it’s because I can’t ever have that, find happiness. I do wonder what reason God had for blessing me with eternal happiness when my life is so far away from it. It’s like my blessing is just there to mock me. But God would never do something like that, right? She must only mean good by it. But I myself ended up being a disappointment and received a Devil’s curse for it.

“Hearing you say that does make me a little more confident.” He smiles gently, eyes sparkling.

“Any woman would be happy to have a man like you. I hope she realizes that too.”

“What about you?”

“Me? What about me?”

“Would you be happy to have a man like me?”

His question throws me so off guard that I choke for a while, not sure what to say or even think.

“I…” I fall silent. Would I be happy to have a man like him if my life were normal? I have always enjoyed his company. I’m sure Father Owen would be a great and loving husband. “It’s hard to answer since I’ve never even thought about marriage.”

“If someone fell for you, would you let them pursue you?”

I startle at the topic change.

“Well, I’d prefer not to, since I don’t want a relationship.”

“But you just said that I should pursue the woman I like, even though she doesn’t want marriage right now. What’s so different when it comes to you? Why does the man who falls for you get different advice than me?”

I fall silent again. I know what’s different, but I can’t just say it. Sometimes I think it would be easier to just tell the truth, the truth about my curse. That I’m the reason this world keeps repeating itself. No one is able to reach a happy ending because of me. Even if Father Owen got the girl he likes, what’s the point? I would still just die, and this loop would start all over again.

“It’s just different,” I say.

“Will you ever be able to trust anyone enough to tell the truth?”

I turn my gaze to him, even more surprised by his question.

“What do you mean?”

He gets up to stand next to me and reaches out his hand to help me up, and I take it.

“It’s way too obvious you’re hiding something, some secret you’re too afraid to tell. Secrets are easier to bear if you can share them with someone. So I really hope you can eventually trust me enough to share it. But since I don’t know the reason behind your words, I’ll only listen to your first advice, not until you give a real reason not to.”

I stare at him, confused. I don’t exactly understand his words, since my situation doesn’t concern his situation at all. So what does my secret matter to him? I keep silent, not knowing what to say.

He lets out a heavy sigh and continues, “I need to go. There’s something I need to prepare for the girl I like. And I do hope you follow your own advice too.”

“My own advice?”

“That you should also follow your heart more than reason.”

Follow my heart? What’s the use of that? Firstly, if I do that, I’ll never be devoted enough. And secondly, I’m pretty sure my heart is hollow. I don’t even know what my heart wants. I just want to end my curse so badly. I don’t want anything else. I just want to die someday without waking up ever again. That’s the only way for this curse to end. So I don’t dare to want anything else. I stay silent and watch him leave the church.

There is pain in my chest. I’m not sure why. But the pain is definitely there.