Master of Minds, Master of Me

I’m getting a little nervous. It’s Friday, and we have to dance today in front of the dancing instructor. Since I really haven’t joined high society, I haven’t danced much in my life. I do know the basic dances by memory, but I’m definitely not smooth on the dance floor. I think this is the first time I don’t have to fake results so I don’t stand out in a good way. I just hope I don’t stomp on my dance partner’s feet.

I wait for Milna to come pick me up in my usual white dress. My mind has luckily been more at ease now that I’ve visited the church in the mornings again. And I honestly think my talks with Father Owen are helping me relax. He is also more loose with me now, not always acting just as a priest but as a friend. He hasn’t pushed me to talk about the obvious things I don’t want to talk about, but I can sense his need to ask about them.

And honestly, I would like to tell him more, to pour my heart out. In earlier loops, I tried to tell people about my curse. I tried to seek help from the temple. But no one believed me. Not even my own family. Well, Belia did, but she’s a child, so she would probably believe anything. So I decided to give up trying to tell anyone the truth. It was too painful to watch their faces when they didn’t believe me, thinking I had just lost my mind or something. I want to believe they didn’t believe me because of the Devil. That it’s part of my curse that I can’t seek help from anyone else.

Still, some part of me wants to tell Father Owen. There’s a tiny ray of hope that he would listen to my story without judging. Maybe if he believed in the existence of the Devil, I would tell him. But since he sounded pretty confident that the Devil is just a legend, I think it’s better to keep this to myself. How would someone believe my story if they don’t believe in the Devil in the first place?

I shake my head, trying to think of something else. Pining over this doesn’t change anything. I glance out the window. The weather is rather nice. I’ve tried to gather courage to visit the greenhouse again. I’m still feeling so ashamed for disappearing suddenly, so facing Hans scares me a little bit. But I will go back there too at some point.

I hear a knock on the door, and I get up and open it for Milna. She escorts me to a big ballroom where some of the candidates are already standing. I go stand in line, and when everyone has arrived, a bunch of guards comes in and positions themselves behind us.

I feel my hands getting sweaty as I listen to the dancing teacher speaking and giving instructions. Now that I think about it, I’ve only danced with my father, so dancing with some unknown person is nerve-racking. I should have practiced more before coming here. It should have been obvious that we’d be required to dance. Why didn’t I realize that and practice beforehand?

“Relax, Lo. It’s going to be okay. It’s just a dance.”

My heartbeat skyrockets as I turn my head toward where I clearly heard Felix’s voice. But I only see a guard behind me, watching me with a smile. I don’t understand. Did I imagine his voice, or was it one of his illusions again?

The guard tilts his head in a familiar way, and his eyes slowly turn from brown to ocean blue.

“It’s me, Lo. Don’t let appearances fool you.”

I stare at him with wide eyes. He sounds like Felix, his eyes are like Felix’s, but otherwise he looks completely different. I don’t understand what I’m seeing. But I know deep inside that it is him. I feel my chest tighten, my breathing getting heavier as a different kind of nervousness starts to consume me.

“Do you perhaps dislike dancing?” he asks, his voice calm, as if it were an everyday occurrence for him to look like someone else.

I want to tell him to go away. But I can’t, not here. I can’t cause a scene. I try my best to swallow my rising panic and answer him, keeping my expression and voice completely neutral.

“I’m just not very good at it.” I answer, trying to sound calm.

“Well, lucky for you, I am. So just relax and let me lead you.”

I swallow. Is he really going to dance with me? I don’t want to. When you dance, you have to be rather close. I don’t want to be close to him. I don’t want to feel that weird sensation inside my body never again.

“Why are you here?” I ask.

Actually, I have many questions I want to ask. But let’s start with that one.

“I hate the idea of any other man touching my pretty flower. Like I said before, I don’t like to share.”

“I thought you already left me alone.”

He chuckles lowly, and his voice stirs something inside me.

“Definitely not. I just had some… problems. But they’re dealt with. Did you miss me that much?”

“No.”

He sulks.

“My pretty flower is so mean sometimes.” Then he smiles again. “Well, I surely missed you, Lo.”

“Don’t call me that.”

“Lo or pretty flower?” He smirks.

“Neither, Your High—”

“Shh! Can’t call me that now. Can’t you see I’m trying to be undercover here?”

Oh right. I almost forgot we were in public. Suddenly the music starts, and I glance around to see that everyone has already spread out around the room, ready to dance.

Crap. I totally lost focus on what was happening around me. I hope I didn’t miss any important information from the teacher. I feel him take my hand in his as he bows and gives a kiss on the back of it. The tingling electricity travels through me again, and I feel my whole body reacting to that. I ignore it and politely bow back to him, just like we were taught in etiquette lessons. Then he pulls me against him and places his other hand on my waist, while I place mine on his shoulder. I guess there’s no escaping this anymore. His body molds against mine. And too soon I feel exactly that weird sensation in me what I wanted to avoid. The heat all over my body and weird rumbling inside my stomach.

Soon we’re whirling around the dance floor. I feel every muscle within me tense as we move. I try my best to focus on my feet, on my steps. I think I’m even more nervous now. Since if I fail, I’ll be stomping on the Crown Prince’s feet, not just some random guard’s.

“Relax, Lo. Look at me.”

I lift my gaze to him. He’s still smiling warmly. But I soon move my gaze down again, fearing that I’ll trip if I don’t look at the ground.

“I said look at me.”

“I can’t,” I answer.

“Why not?”

“I’m pretty sure I’ll trip or stomp your feet if I do.”

He suddenly yanks my body even closer to him, and I instinctively look at him, startled. The heat inside me intensifies.

“You’re free to stomp my feet as much as you want. And if you trip, I’ll catch you.”

I swallow and give a light nod.

“And regarding our previous topic. I won’t stop calling you that, no matter how much you dislike my nicknames.”

“How are you doing this?” I ask next. Since clearly arguing about the nicknames is futile.

“You mean being so charming?” He tilts his head while smirking.

It’s so weird to look at him. He looks so different, but his gestures are still familiar.

“Looking like that. The visions. Everything.”

“Oh, are you curious about me? Interested even?” He looks rather pleased.

“Not in the way you think.”

“Keep telling yourself that, Lo. I’ll prove you wrong.”

“Answer my question.”

He squints his eyes, like he’s thinking. But it feels like he’s only acting, like he already knows what he’s going to say.

“How about this? I’ll tell you my secret if you agree to stop this ‘me not allowed to see you’ thing.”

“Are you freaking kidding me?” I ask, since he must be joking.

He looks rather startled by my question. “No? Why would I?”

“What’s the point of making deals with you since you clearly don’t keep them? You promised not to see me for four weeks, but you came anyway. So what does it matter whether I give you permission or not, since you’ll do it even without it?” I hear a strange tone in my voice. It’s rather unfamiliar to me.

His eyes widen for a moment in surprise, and then he just smiles again.

“Goddammit, you’re cute when you’re angry like that.”

Angry? I’m never angry. Was that the weird tone in my voice? I fall silent, not knowing what to say or do.

“I do apologize for not being able to keep myself away from you. Do you perhaps eat magnets for breakfast? Because you draw me in so much, I can’t help but come to you.”

What? I just stare at him, stunned. Again, I have no idea what to say.

He just chuckles. “But doesn’t that mean you’re not losing much in this deal? Since you’ll see me anyway. There’s more for you to gain from it.”

I guess he’s right. If he keeps coming to pester me anyway, it shouldn’t matter whether it’s with or without permission. Or should it? I don’t know.

The music starts to fade, and I remember again that we’re in a public setting. I forgot, again. And I didn’t even focus on the dancing at all. I have no idea how well it went. Crap.

He pulls away from me, and I feel rather empty after that. He bows again, giving a kiss on my hand.

“It was a pleasure to dance with you, Lo. I’ll see you tomorrow to hear your answer.”

His eyes turn back to brown, and he turns to leave the room. I stand still and watch his distancing back, not sure what to think of all this. Whether I should accept his deal. If he really is working with the Devil to gain power to do all of this, would he really admit it just like that?