Master of Minds, Master of Me

This week's classes are about economics. We did an assignment over the weekend, which I finished already on Saturday morning. We had to compare the country's economic situation before and after the flood. I didn’t have to look for much information about it since my father has talked about it so much. Temples all over the country tried to help the cities damaged by the flood. And of course, I didn’t want to overachieve, so I only wrote what I already knew. I’m sure that’s enough to satisfy them, but not enough to draw attention.

I’ve tried to keep praying whenever I can. But I haven’t tried skipping lunch anymore, not risking that Felix comes to see me again and demands that I eat. I still can’t believe he actually came to see me himself and broke the promise he made. But honestly, I have no idea what I should do now. No idea what the right path would be. What would God want me to do?

I’m too used to walking the path I know, doing the same things every single time. Maybe I’ve even grown too used to it, since I don’t know how to think or decide anything when things go differently. I haven’t even visited the church. I feel too ashamed to go there. I could never confess my thoughts to Father Owen. I feel like I don’t deserve to visit the church. So I’ve confined myself to my room, just waiting for the hours and days to pass.

Felix hasn’t tormented me much since he visited me in person. I hope he’s finally starting to give up and leave me alone. I knew Felix was a dangerous man, but I never guessed he would be dangerous in this kind of way. I thought he’d be dangerous in the murder kind of way, not this… tempting way. I still hate myself for how easily I fall victim to him every single time.

A knock on my door wakes me from my thoughts. I get up to open it and find Milna there.

“Good evening, Lady Lorelia. I came to tell you that there’s a guest waiting for you in the drawing room.”

“A guest? Do you know who?”

“I’m sorry, I don’t. Another maid came to ask me to fetch you. Do you want me to go ask before you decide whether to see them?”

Who could it be? I don’t think it’s Felix, since he would just barge into my room like he usually does. I kind of want to send Milna to find out who’s waiting for me, but it would be rather rude to keep a guest waiting. So I agree to go straight away. I glance at myself in the mirror, making sure my lace collar properly covers the hickey. I had to ask my family to send me a couple more dresses that would hide my neck since I can’t just keep wearing the same dress every single day.

Milna escorts me to the right drawing room and leaves me behind the door. I take a deep breath and open it.

I find Father Owen sitting in one of the chairs. Part of me is happy to see him, but part of me feels ashamed that I haven’t visited him for days.

“Glad to see you, Lady Lorelia. I hope I’m not intruding.”

“Of course not, Father Owen. It’s always a pleasure to see you.”

He gestures for me to sit down and hands me a cup of tea.

“How have you been?” His voice is warm as always.

But I don’t like his question, since I haven’t been well. How could I? I feel like I’m drifting farther from my salvation each day here, and Felix is the biggest reason for it. Or is he? Can I honestly blame him? Maybe it’s just my fault for being so weak.

“Your silence is answer enough.”

Crap. I didn’t realize I’d stayed silent for too long.

“Sorry, I just got lost in thought. I’ve been just fine. What brings you here, Father Owen?”

“I’ve been worried about you since you stopped visiting the church. I wanted to make sure you’re alright.”

A huge stab of guilt pierces through me. I stopped visiting church only because I thought I didn’t deserve it, that I was too sinful to even face Father Owen. I never thought about how my disappearance would affect him. That he would be worried about my absence. I’m such a thoughtless person. What the hell is wrong with me? Why do I always end up being so selfish? Whatever I do I always end up picking the wrong choice.

“I–I’m sorry,” is all I can manage to say out loud. Regret consumes me. I turn my gaze down, too ashamed to even look at him.

“Sorry? For what?” His voice sounds surprised, but I still keep my gaze down.

“For not visiting, for making you worry. I truly am sorry.”

I don’t know why, but a some kind of panic starts to fill me. Not sure if it’s only because of the guilt, or the realization that I’ve failed again. Like I can feel the hope of breaking my curse slipping away between my fingers. I suddenly notice that he’s sitting next to me and takes my hands in his. I automatically lift my gaze to meet his. He looks so worried, and the pain in my chest intensifies, knowing I’m the one who caused him to look like that. I’m a horrible person.

“I didn’t come here to hear you apologize. You’ve done nothing wrong. I just got so used to our mornings together that I kind of missed you and wondered why you stopped coming. If you really want to be left alone, I will. I just wanted to let you know that the church is always open for you. If you’d rather visit the church alone, I can make sure you can do that. I can see that something bothers you, and I want to help. So if there’s anything I can do, just tell me.”

I just stare at him, not sure what to say or do. Which is starting to become the norm here for me. I can feel that his words are sincere. But I can’t shake the guilt pressing on me. It makes me happy that he missed me and wants to help me, but it also makes the pain sharper. I want to accept his help and tell him what bothers me, to confess. But I just can’t muster the courage to open my mouth.

“Please tell me, Lorelia. Why did you stop coming to church?”

“I—” My mouth falls silent. Why is it so hard to say out loud what I truly think? I close my eyes, trying to calm myself before continuing. “I feel like I don’t deserve to be there.”

“Deserve? Why?”

“I’ve just failed too badly, too many times, and I keep making mistakes over and over again, like I never learn. I keep making the wrong decisions, keep being selfish every single time.” I hear my voice shake as the words start pouring out of me. “If I keep being like this, God will never help me. It doesn’t matter how many times I go over everything, nothing changes. It always starts over and over again. I try my best to be good and devoted, but nothing is ever enough. I don’t know what I should do. Will I never succeed in breaking—”

I snap my mouth closed. I don’t want to tell him about my curse. I already said too much. I don’t know what got into me. I shouldn’t have said those things.

“Break what?” he pushes.

“Nothing.” I turn my head away from him and pull my hands free. I regret saying anything. I shouldn’t pour my problems and shortcomings onto someone else. I can’t burden anyone.

“I can feel your pain. I know you think every word you said is true, but I don’t believe them even for a moment, and neither does God.”

I keep my gaze averted. It’s easy for him to say things like that since he doesn’t know I’m a cursed soul. I stay silent, holding my tears back as he continues.

“And even if everything you said were true, do you honestly think God would want you to abandon the church for it? To lock yourself in your room? You know God is not like that.”

I move my gaze to him. How does he know I’ve been locking myself in my room?

He has a point, though. God would never abandon anyone who seeks aid, I know that. But still, I feel like I don’t deserve Her aid. Not anymore. Not after everything that’s happened.

“Do you miss the church?” His voice drops lower, he sounds a little sadder.

I just nod. I do miss my mornings with him. It really was a great way to start the day, to talk with him about religion or any other topic. We always sat in the first row, looking at the statue of God while conversing casually about anything. I did feel at peace there. Despite the visions that sometimes tormented me there too.

He suddenly hugs me tightly, my face buried against his chest, and I hear his low voice.

“Please come back to church, Lorelia. There are a million things I want to ask you, but I have a hunch you’re not willing to answer them, and I won’t force you to. But locking yourself in your room isn’t the answer you’re looking for. I can’t promise the church is either, but it’s better than this. And I miss you, and God misses you.”

His presence feels so soothing. His warm body against mine. I’m not even sure if I’ve ever hugged a man like this, if you don't count my father. It feels strange, but good. Somehow his body feels oddly familiar, and the pain in my chest eases a little.

Would God really miss someone like me? Even though I’m cursed? Even though I don’t deserve salvation? And has Father Owen really missed me? The thought makes me a little happy, I guess. But I shouldn’t form too deep connections to anyone, I know that. I’m pretty sure I’m not going to end my torment with this loop. I know I’ll start it all over again. So getting too close to Father Owen will only cause me misery in the long run, since next time I won’t be here. I won’t ever see him again. I’d end up missing him. The only good thing is that he won’t remember me, he won’t be in pain.

Wait.

Am I being selfish here? I don’t get close to anyone because I don’t want to hurt myself. That’s pretty selfish. I’ve always thought that getting to know people would be selfish because I would feel happy being around them. And of course I wanted to protect myself and my feelings. Was I thinking about it the wrong way all this time? Maybe getting close to people would actually be less selfish. And then experiencing the immense pain of losing them would be the proper punishment for me. Something I deserve to experience.

“Just telling you that I’m not letting you go before you agree to come back to church.”

His slightly softer voice pulls me away from my thoughts, and I realize he’s still hugging me. I wrap my arms around him too and hug him back. I feel his body grow still as I do. Did I startle him by hugging him back?

“Is that a yes?” he asks.

I just nod against his chest.

He pulls away from the hug and looks at me with a faint smile. It’s warm, but there’s still a little sadness in it.

“Good. And if you ever want to talk about what really bothers you, about the reason behind your words earlier, know that you can always talk to me. Not only as a priest, but as a friend too. I would never judge you for what has happened or will happen.”

As a friend? Are we really friends? Do I have a friend? Am I really allowed to have a friend? I’m happy, but already feeling the pain of knowing that when I die and wake up again, I’ll miss him so much. I give him another nod.

“How about we move to lighter subjects? What kind of lessons did you have this week?”

I take a sip of tea before answering.

“They were about economics.”

“Economics? Was it boring?”

“Hmm… I wouldn’t say boring. I think I actually learned a lot. The previous subjects were things I was already quite familiar with, but economics wasn’t. So I guess it was fun to learn something new. But I do feel like most of the ladies found the subject boring.”

“Really? How do you know?”

“Well, during break times most of them talked about it. How everything they’ve been taught is just useless since the King is the one leading the country, and they think the Queen should just look pretty beside the King.”

He raises his eyebrow, looking a little surprised. “I surely hope none of them will be picked as Queen then. If they don’t want to serve the country, why would they want to be Queen in the first place?”

“I wondered the same thing. I even asked them once, and they just said it’s because the Crown Prince is, and I quote, ‘to die for.’ So I guess it’s only because they want a handsome husband and a life surrounded by luxuries.”

“Oh? So you also think the Crown Prince is handsome?”

I gaze at him. What an odd question.

“I’m pretty sure no one could deny that he’s rather pleasing to look at,” I admit, trying to sound neutral.

Father Owen looks rather pleased with my answer. Not sure why.

“And I assume you’re not drawn to a life of luxury?”

“No. Never,” I say bluntly.

He chuckles lowly. “You sound like being Queen is the worst fate ever. Is the thought of that really so hideous?”

Is my thought about that so visible? I’m pretty sure my expression and voice were neutral.

“Honestly? Yes, it is,” I admit.

“Why?”

Well, I can’t exactly tell him it’s because the future Queen gets killed by Felix.

“It’s just not something I want. Not where I belong. I think the Queen should be someone the country benefits. It wouldn’t benefit from me at all.”

“I kind of disagree on that benefit part.”

“Why? The Helesantra household really has nothing to give. We are devoted only to God and focus solely on that. We don’t hold any major power or fortune.”

“Maybe the country wouldn’t benefit from your household being linked to the royal family. But I do think the country would benefit from you.”

“From me? Why?” I honestly can’t think of a single reason.

“I could list you many reasons, but I have a feeling you wouldn’t believe me. Not right now at least. But there’s still time.”

“Time? Time for what?”

He tilts his head in a rather familiar way and smiles. “Never mind.”

He gets up from the couch. “I’m afraid I need to get back to my duties.”

I also get up to bow to him. “It was a pleasure, as always, Father Owen.”

“Trust me, the pleasure is all mine.”

I watch him walk toward the door, then turn to face me as he opens it.

“So, will I see you tomorrow morning?”

“Yes.” I give him my usual smile.

His smile widens and his eyes soften somehow. “Can’t wait to see you tomorrow.”

He closes the door, and I stay there, standing and looking at the closed door. I hope going back to church is really okay. And being friends with Father Owen.

I just hope I won’t regret my decision later.