Master of Minds, Master of Me

We arrive by the lake. It’s pretty close to the Royal Palace, so we can see it clearly from here. I walk to stand next to the lake and look at the Palace looming in the distance. A stab of guilt penetrates me. Why am I here? I shouldn’t be here. This is not something I should be doing. This is not something a truly devoted person would do. If I keep acting like this, I will never break from my curse.

“Your Highness. Can we just go back? I don’t think this is a good idea. I really don’t want to be here.”

I turn around and freeze when I see Felix setting down a picnic for us, blanket and everything. Where the hell did he even get those? Were they already here somewhere?

“No, we can’t go back. We need to eat first.”

I just stare at him, still a little shocked by all of this. I don’t understand why he’s doing this. Why is he so stubborn about it?

When he has placed everything on the picnic blanket, he sits down and taps the empty place next to him.

“Come.”

He smiles at me, and I don’t know what to do. Should I just insist on going back? Or just give up and eat with him?

“If you don’t come voluntarily, I’m more than happy to carry you here.”

That surely gets me moving, and I flop onto the blanket right next to him. He’s prepared everything pretty light, easy to eat with just our hands. And actually, everything is something I truly like. A little suspicious, but I grab one sandwich and start eating it.

“So, on a scale from one to ten, how funny do you think I am?”

His sudden question makes me cough on the food I just swallowed. What kind of question even is that? I have no idea how I’m supposed to answer.

“You seem like you’re unwilling to answer. Okay, I’ll let it slide. Then how about this: on a scale from one to ten, how handsome do you think I am?” His voice is playful, like his smile.

And I really can’t keep up with his train of thought at all.

“Your Highness, I’m not going to answer that.”

He starts sulking way too dramatically.

“You’re so cruel, Lorelia. You really don’t consider my gentle feelings at all.”

“I just think the topic is not proper.”

“Not proper, huh? Well, what would be a proper topic?”

I just shrug my shoulders.

“Well, if you don’t want to talk about me, then let’s talk about you.”

Me? Why? Judging from his expression, he seems rather pleased with the topic change, like he planned this all along. But I guess it’s better than talking about him.

“What about me?”

“I’m rather curious, what were you like as a child?”

“A child?”

I sink into my thoughts. How was I like? I’ve been living this two-year loop almost 29 times, so my childhood feels like a pretty distant memory, even though I’m only 19 years old. Or at least my body is. Have I really started to forget my memories? I haven't even realized that. But I guess I just need to say something. I can’t stay silent forever.

“Pretty much the same as I am now.”

“Oh, like stunning and captivating?” He smiles at me teasingly.

I move my eyes away from him, feeling embarrassed. Why does he have to talk to me like this? It just feels weird.

“I meant more like meek and calm.”

“Meek? I wouldn’t have said you’re meek. Maybe more like shy. It’s rather cute.”

I’m not sure what to say to that, so I focus on eating, staying silent.

“Okay, well then. What do you enjoy doing in your free time? In addition to gardening and being at the temple?”

“Umm…”

I don’t know. What do I enjoy? Isn’t gardening and praying enough? Surely there is something else I like to do. Like… Um… Maybe I like… Ugh. I don’t know. My whole time goes to God, so it doesn’t matter if I even like to do something else. So I just stay silent, not sure what to say.

“Well, something you liked to do as a kid? Like reading books, playing outside, hanging out with friends, exploring the forest, anything?”

I feel my heart ache. I don’t like this questioning at all. I don’t know. I don’t remember anymore. Should I remember? Am I stupid for not? Should I just lie, make up something? But people shouldn’t lie. God wouldn’t like that. But is not lying really the best option right now? He’s going to think I’m crazy for not answering any of his questions properly. Any normal person would have no problems answering his questions.

“I…” Just say something. Anything. Some kids play. I play with kids in the orphanage all the time, let’s say something those kids like. But just as I’m about to spin up a lie, Felix talks again.

“Tell me about your family.”

Oh, thank you, God. That I can answer.

“Well, as I already told you, my father is a High Priest at the Grand Temple, and my mother works there too as a priestess. The Helesantra family line has always been devoted to God. Father is very gentle, calm like me. He loves history and reading books. Mother is more lively. Always going somewhere, always talking, always nagging my father to leave the library to get some fresh air. My little sister Belia is seven years old. She’s even livelier than my mother. She fills the house with her voice, impatient and energetic attitude. And she gets bored easily, so she usually ends up doing things she shouldn’t, being too reckless and all. She doesn’t enjoy the temple that much since it’s too boring for her. And my father constantly tries to calm her and make her as devoted as the rest of us.”

I suddenly realize I actually talked quite a lot. Was I too talkative? Did I blabber too much? I never talk that much in such a short time. I glance at Felix, who’s just looking at me with a huge smile on his face. I feel my heart beating a little louder and turn to look away.

“Do you miss them?”

“Very much. But we send letters all the time. So that eases my heart a little, knowing that everyone is okay back there.”

“It sounds like a lovely family,” he says with a warm smile.

“They are,” I agree.

A tiny part of me wants to ask him about his family too. I know his father is pretty sick. I know he doesn’t have any siblings and that his mother died a long time ago. I know all that, but I never actually thought about it. That Felix really doesn’t have much family. I mean, there’s Duke Callum, but it’s pretty obvious they’re not close since he wants to just kill Felix.

Suddenly, I feel guilty for talking about my family like that. Telling how lovely my family is, when his is far from idyllic.

But then I remember Max. Maybe I can talk about that.

“So, you and Max seemed pretty close.”

“Well, I’ve always considered Max as my own brother, so if you ask me, we’re pretty close. If you ask him, he’ll definitely say no.”

“So, did he end up going to his playdate?”

“Yes, pretty easily, actually. I’m not sure what you guys talked about, but it clearly worked.”

“I’m glad I was able to help.”

He leans in closer to me, wearing a teasing smile.

“I hope I don’t really need to consider my cousin a love rival?”

“What? No. Of course not. He’s just a child,” I say, confused by his sudden question.

“Good. Since I’m a pretty possessive person, I don’t want to share.”

“Why are you doing all of this?”

The question just slips out of my mouth. I mean, I wanted to ask him about all this, so maybe this is a good time to do just that.

He starts cleaning our empty plates and food containers, putting them inside a basket. I just watch him, a little confused why he’s not answering me. When the blanket is clean, he just lies down on it, hands behind his head.

“You should relax too. Let’s wait for the food to digest before heading back to the Palace.”

“You didn’t answer my question,” I say bluntly.

He closes his eyes and just smiles. “Relax and lie down, and I’ll tell you.”

A little suspicious, but I do that. I settle down on the blanket and close my eyes. The sun is starting to set slowly, but I can still feel the warmth of its rays on my face. I enjoy the feeling and the silence surrounding us, only the sound of the water and a couple of birds around.

“So, you really don’t know why I’m doing this?”

Felix’s voice brings me back to the present. I almost forgot my question.

“No.”

“Did it never occur to you that I might just like you?”

I open my eyes and turn my head to look at him. He’s still lying there, eyes closed, a smile on his lips.

“You don’t even know me,” I say.

“What can I say? You must be a talented thief because you managed to steal my heart with a simple glance.”

What? A thief?

“Your Highness, I really hope you’re joking.”

“Absolutely not.”

A minor panic rises within me. I really don’t want this man to actually like me. Firstly, why the hell would he even like me? I’m just a dumb wet cloth. There’s nothing to like. I’m just a hollow human since this curse of mine has made me forget who I even am. Secondly, I really don’t want to end up being engaged to this man. I’d rather die a little earlier in this loop than let that happen.

“But Your Highness, I already told you that I don’t want to be a Queen. You should pester some other candidate.”

“Relax. Just lie back down and close your eyes. I’m not going to make you my Queen.”

A huge wave of relief floods me as I settle my head back on the blanket and close my eyes.

“But it stings a little that you’re that relieved to hear it,” he says with a sulking voice.

I’m sure I didn’t show my relief on my face. How did he know? But if he doesn’t want me as Queen, his actions make even less sense.

“If you don’t want me as Queen, your actions make even less sense.” I voice it out.

“Marrying out of love or affection isn’t an option for me. I need to marry someone that the whole country benefits. So I can’t be selfish in that part. But there’s still time before that, and I want to be selfish before it happens.”

I feel a little sad about that. When my curse started, it was pretty clear to me that I don’t want any kind of relationship. It would only make this torment harder. But I can still understand people wanting to be loved. So even though marriages of convenience are the norm among nobles, it’s still a little sad.

I notice the sunlight disappearing from my face. I thought there weren’t any clouds in the sky. I open my eyes to see if the weather is getting worse, but I’m met with Felix’s intense eyes and teasing smile. My heart literally stops. His whole body is over me, hands on either side of my head. What is he doing?

“So I just want to follow my feelings while I still can, to be with a woman I really want. I want you, Lorelia. Just for the time you’re here at the Palace.”

Is he suggesting we have some kind of relationship while I’m here, and then go separate ways after the Selection ends? That’s just utterly wrong. And even without it being wrong. Felix would be the last man I would ever have any kind of relationship with. He is the doom of our country. He is a bad man.

“No. I don’t want you, Your Highness. This is wrong. I want you to leave me alone.”

I try to hide the rising panic in my voice.

He moves his right hand to caress my cheek. The tingling feeling travels through my body when his skin meets mine, and slowly it glides lower. I hold my breath.

“Are you so sure that you don’t want me?” His voice grows a little darker.

I just stare into his ocean-blue eyes as I feel his hand caressing me. The same weird heat starts to consume my body. No. I don’t want to feel this way. I don’t want him.

Wait.

Is this just another vision? It feels like it. It’s just my broken mind playing tricks on me again, and soon I will just see Felix lying on the blanket next to me. Like nothing ever happened. I’m sure of it.

Felix leans into my neck, and I feel his lips brushing against my skin. I feel my lips part. He starts kissing my neck and shoulder gently, and I feel all the heat rushing between my legs. No one has ever kissed me like this. The feeling is odd, foreign. My body instinctively clenches my thighs together.

It’s just a vision, I tell myself. Nothing to worry about. It will pass shortly. But if this is a vision, is it alright to just surrender to it? Or should I still try to push him away? Is there something I can do to stop the vision? His hand is still traveling along my body, exploring. It’s starting to feel too dangerous, too tempting and alluring. Like it really is the Devil making me fall from my path even more. But what can I do about it? How can I stop these visions from coming to me?

“Your Highness, I—”

My plea to ask him to stop turns into a gasp as he bites my neck.

“You were saying?” he whispers against my ear, his voice far too tempting.

Why does this vision last so long? I need it to stop.

Then suddenly, rain starts to pour from the sky, soaking us. Felix withdraws with a smile on his face.

“See? Even God thinks this is a good idea. Rain is considered a blessing from God, isn’t it?” His voice is amused, the teasing and seductive tone is gone.

I stare at him in shock. It wasn’t a vision? My brain short-circuits. Did we really just do that? Did I really let him touch me, kiss my neck, without even trying to push him away? What the hell is wrong with me? Why am I such an easy prey for the Devil? Why do I fall into his traps so easily? I keep staring at Felix in disbelief, shock, and regret consuming me.

He gets up and offers his hand.

“Come on. I think we need to run back quickly if we don’t want to get sick.”

His tone is still amused, like he’s having fun soaking in the rain. I don’t take his hand, but I do get up. He lets out a disappointed sigh and wraps the blanket, shoves it into the basket, takes it in his left hand, and grabs my hand with his right. Then he starts running, pulling me along.

“Come on! Show me how fast angels can run!”

I run along with him, letting him pull me. But I don’t say anything. I have no idea what to say. My whole body still feels so foreign, my mind in disarray. I just keep staring at him. He’s smiling so brightly, it almost looks like he’s about to start laughing at any moment. His hair is already soaking wet, water pouring down his face. My chest burns from the sight of him.

Luckily, the Palace is pretty close, only on the other side of the lake. So we reach his secret passage quickly. We run through the garden under my balcony. He drops the basket, lifts me into his arms, and I yelp, wrapping my hands around his shoulders. Is he really going to get us up to the balcony from here?

He turns to look at me, still wearing his smile.

“Hold on.”

I squeeze a little tighter, and then he just jumps, straight to my balcony. How? No idea. I know you can do a lot with magic, but I’ve never seen anyone jump like that. He puts me down, and I still keep silent, not knowing what to say. He grabs my hand and pulls me closer, his eyes peering into mine.

“You have no idea how much I want to kiss you right now.”

No. I’ve never kissed anyone, and I’m not going to.

“Please don’t, Your Highness. Please just forget what happened today. It was wrong.”

He tilts his head and tucks one strand of hair behind my ear.

“No chance of that happening. I want you, Lo, and I will have you.”

Lo? And no way in hell will he have me.

“Your Highness! I don’t want you. I don’t want this. So please, just leave me be.”

He just chuckles at my plea and leans to whisper in my ear.

“See you tomorrow, pretty flower.”

He withdraws and starts to walk toward the railing. I try to yell after him.

“Your Highness! Don’t come to see me! Please just—”

Then he just jumps down, and I run to the railing to watch him. He turns to look at me, winks, and starts running away.

I run straight to my bathroom, take off my wet clothes, turn on the shower, and just sit down under it, letting the water pour over me. I try to focus on cooling myself down, steadying my racing heart, getting rid of the heat inside me.

Was forgetting to deliver one single letter really such a bad thing? That I deserve to suffer like this? To be tormented like this? Even though my life has been tormented for a long time, it was easier before. I did the same things over and over again. I knew everything that was about to happen. It was safe, no surprises. But now?

This is everything but safe.