Master of Minds, Master of Me

The whole night was restless. I kept having dreams about him. And one time, when I woke up, I even saw him in my room, leaning lazily against the wall, his eyes just watching me. But after I blinked, he was gone.

I’m still trying to comprehend what happened yesterday. It also feels like a dream, or more like a nightmare. But I know it wasn’t. I’m not sure if it’s harder to believe that someone like Felix would actually like me, or that I actually let him touch me like that. I feel so guilty and ashamed.

Milna comes to clean the dishes after breakfast as I just sit in my chair, lost in thought. Should I visit the church this morning too? Would that make things even a little better? Or is it just a risk of bumping into Felix? But since staying inside my room didn’t help avoid him, it probably doesn’t matter where I am. Somehow, I have the feeling that he will find me anyway.

“Milna?” I ask.

“Yes, Lady Lorelia?”

“Is it okay if I visit the church today too?”

“Of course it is. The weather is still a little damp from the rain, so remember to take your cloak with you.”

I glance outside, the sky is still pretty cloudy.

See? Even God thinks this is a good idea. Rain is considered a blessing from God, isn’t it?

I hear his voice inside my head so vividly. Sure, rain is considered a blessing from God, but I think he was stretching the truth there. I can’t imagine God would ever support a fling before marriage.

I get up, grab my cloak, and head toward the church. I find it empty and feel a little disappointed. But I can’t expect Father Owen to always be here. Even though he isn’t, I still go sit inside the confession booth. It feels like I’m confessing my sins more properly here than just praying in front of the altar. Even though there’s no priest listening, no one taking my sins to God.

I sink into my thoughts, asking forgiveness for sneaking out of the Palace and… well, doing that thing by the lake. And for the curse words I said yesterday. When I’m with Felix, they just slip out constantly. I feel my restraints loosen around him. I’m not sure if it’s because he has the ability to steal all my focus, or if it’s because the Devil sinks into me deeper when I’m near him.

The scene from yesterday unfolds before me. It feels so real, like I can actually feel his hand sliding around my waist again, his lips brushing my neck, sending goosebumps all over my body. I close my eyes, trying to understand what’s happening inside me, the heat, the rush, all traveling to my core. The strange need for pressure between my thighs.

Is this really how it feels to be aroused? To want something physical? If just feeling this is so overwhelming, I don’t dare imagine what it would feel like to actually do something more…

My eyes suddenly dart open as my reason kicks in. My pupils widen in shock when I see that I’ve slid my hand between my legs. Just like that one night. I stare at it in disbelief.

How could I think something like that in a confession booth? How messed up am I? And to even put my hand there? Have I no shame? This is the last place I should do something like this!

I panic and rush out of the booth, leaning against the wall on the opposite side, slowly sliding down to sit on the floor. I look at the booth like it’s the pit of hell.

“Lady Lorelia? Is everything alright? Would you like a confession?”

I raise my eyes and see Father Owen. For the first time ever, I’m not happy to see him. Not when I’m still in utter shock at what I’ve just done.

“No,” I say, my voice low.

“No, as in everything is not alright, or that you don’t want a confession?” His voice is calm, and it actually soothes me a little bit.

“No, I don’t need a confession.”

No way in hell I’m going back into that booth right now. Crap. I cover my face with my hands, shame flooding me again. Why do I always say those bad words inside the church? I’m just doomed.

I feel Father Owen sit down next to me on the floor, but I’m too ashamed to move my hands from my face.

“Are you alright?”

No. Absolutely not. I’m the opposite of alright.

“I’m fine,” I lie, knowing I shouldn’t lie, especially in church. But I’ve already done worse things, so lying is the smallest of my worries.

“Are you sure you’re not sick? You seem a little feverish. There’s sweat on your forehead, and you feel rather hot,” he says, his tone filled with concern.

And my embarrassment just grows deeper. I wish I were just sick. But I can’t tell him that my body is burning only because of unholy thoughts inside the confession booth. Better that he thinks I’m ill.

“I got soaked in the rain yesterday, so I guess that might have affected my body a little bit.”

I hear him stand up. “Would you like some tea? I have some great herbal tea that helps with the cold.”

I peek through my fingers and see him standing in front of me, reaching his hand toward me with a warm smile. I hesitate but finally grab it, and he helps me up.

“Follow me.”

He leads me into a small backroom, where I sit by the table and watch him prepare the tea. I feel so bad for lying to him like this, using his kindness and good heart. I stay silent, wallowing in my guilt.

“So why were you in the rain?” he asks as he sets a steaming cup in front of me.

“I was having a picnic.”

“Oh? That sounds rather lovely. Too bad the weather turned out like that.”

“I agree.”

A lie. The rain saved me. I don’t know how far things would have gone if it hadn’t interrupted us. How long would I have kept believing it was just a vision, lying there under his touch, under his lips?

“Do you have any plans for today?”

I startle. I didn’t realize I was lost in thought again.

“Umm… no, I don’t. I hope I can just rest today.”

“Well, if you’re feeling unwell, resting is probably the smartest thing to do,” he says softly.

I nod. The tea actually tastes good, refreshing and calming. Maybe it’s imbued with a bit of magic since I feel much lighter after drinking it.

“Feeling any better?”

“Yes, thank you. How come you’re here today also? Don’t you have days off?”

He chuckles quietly, but there’s something strange about the sound. It’s softer this time, lower somehow, like a secret being whispered rather than spoken.

“Working as a priest in the Palace isn’t exactly hectic. So I work everyday. Serving anytime someone might need me,” he says, his tone light. “There’s rarely much to do, but I don’t mind. It gives me time to look after the people here with care and time.”

He looks at me for a moment longer than usual. I shift in my seat.

His smile remains kind, but something about it… feels different. Almost too warm. Too knowing. The room grows strangely quiet. I can hear my own heartbeat.

“Well,” he finally says, his gaze still on me, “you should rest, Lady Lorelia. You look still pretty exhausted. Perhaps from more than just the rain.”

There’s a pause.

It sounds like a simple observation, yet the way he says it makes my chest tighten. Like he knows exactly what I’m trying not to think about. Like what I feel guilty about.

“I… Thank you, Father Owen,” I manage to whisper.

He smiles again, gentle and unreadable. “Confession always finds a way to reach the soul, even when we don’t mean to confess.”

His words linger in the air long after I leave.

I head back to my room, my mind even heavier than before the church visit. Was Father Owen there when I was inside the booth? Did he perhaps somehow notice what I was doing? Did I let out a noise or something? I really can’t live with myself if he truly knows what happened inside the booth. How could I ever face him after that?

I really deserve to be cursed. Maybe redemption is just a silly dream for me. When I arrive at my room, I just dive into my bed, burying myself there, hoping that the world around me would just swallow me whole.

I want you, Lorelia.

What was that? I dart up to sit on my bed and glance around the room. I’m sure I heard Felix’s voice. But the room is empty. I get up and look from the balcony, but it’s empty too. Was it only in my head? Is he really consuming my thoughts this much? Why can’t I escape him?

I slide myself under the blanket again and fall into slumber. I try to empty my brain, trying not to think about anything. But it’s hard.

Knock, knock.

A shock travels through me. Please don’t be Felix.

“Come in.”

I rise to sit on my bed as I watch the doorknob twist along with my guts.

“Lady Lorelia?”

Milna’s gentle voice and face appear in my room, and a huge wave of relief floods through me.

“Yes, Milna?”

“Why are you in bed? Are you feeling ill?”

“Just a little tired, nothing to be worried about.”

“Are you sure? Do you want me to ask for the physician?”

“No, please don’t. I’m fine, I promise. What brings you here?”

“Other Ladies are planning to have some tea in the garden, so I wanted to ask if you want to join them?”

“Yes!”

I realize that came out way too loudly. I’m just too excited to have something else to focus on, something to do.

“Great. I will come fetch you when the tea is set.”

“Thank you, Milna.”

She disappears behind the door and I get up. I take a hairbrush and sit in front of the mirror. My hair is a little messy from the pillow, so I make myself look a little more decent. I haven’t been this excited before to see the other candidates, but it feels like this is exactly what I need right now.

Soon Milna comes to fetch me and leads me to the garden, where some of the ladies are already sitting by the table. I join them with a warm smile, feeling my anxiety ease a little.

Their talk soon turns to Felix again. And that is a conversation I don’t want to join. Crap. I thought conversing with them would drag my mind away from Felix. But this is clearly the opposite. So I sit there silently, sipping my tea and eating a couple of pastries that the maids prepared for us.

I see Hans walking among the garden. The urge to join him is strong, but I don’t want to bother him too much. I already visit him almost every day. I realize Hans is talking to someone, but I can’t see who since that someone is behind the tree.

When Hans leaves, I see who that someone is, and my heart stops. It’s Felix. He’s lazily leaning against the tree trunk, his eyes on me.

What is he doing here? Is he just coming to greet all of us? Like out of courtesy or something? I expect someone else to notice him, but no one does. He is rather far away, so I guess it’s understandable.

Felix gestures with his hand for me to come over to him. I just shake my head slightly. No way I’m going there. I’m having a lovely tea time among these ladies, and I won’t let him interrupt me. His eyes peer even more intensely at me. I just move my gaze away from him, trying to focus on the chatter before me. After a while, when I glance in his direction again, he is gone. Thank you, God. I return to drinking my tea a little more at ease.

Not long after that the scene unfolds. I see myself in the confession booth, thinking about what happened by the lake. Eyes closed. I watch as my hand slides between my legs. I feel the same heat rushing to my core as I did then. I see myself leaning my head back, my lips parting, and I hear a slight sigh coming out of my mouth.

I’m filled with so much remorse and embarrassment. Did I really make that noise? Did Father Owen hear that? My body tenses even more when I see my hand slowly moving, and I feel the pressure between my thighs right now too.

Panic consumes me and the vision disappears. I glance down and am relieved to see that neither of my hands is there. I watch the other ladies, and they still chat normally. Hopefully no one realized what was just going on inside my head. But I really need to get away. I can’t risk that happening again while I’m around people.

I get up and politely excuse myself, almost running toward my room. I have been here only two weeks. How am I supposed to survive this torment for six more?