Master of Minds, Master of Me

It’s Saturday, and I have decided to stay in my room the whole day. Every time I have seen Felix, I have been outside. So if I just stay in, there is no risk of seeing him. And when there is no risk of seeing him, there is no risk of me feeling things. Things I’d rather not feel or think about.

I’m writing another letter to my family. Apparently, my warnings were good enough, and Belia didn’t fall from the tree. But next week there is going to be a very windy day, and one of the benches in our yard will fly, smashing the greenhouse window. So I need to tell them to move the bench somewhere else since I’m not there to deal with it myself. When I have finished the letter, I seal it and leave it on my desk so the maid can pick it up later.

I stand next to the window and look outside. I really want to go outside. Being inside in a single room feels suffocating. But I just can’t risk it. Especially when I can feel the voice back in my head, urging me to go. Wanting to actually see him. I’m not sure if the voice is from me or from the Devil. I just need to ignore it. There are no benefits in growing close to Felix. All I can see is a big pile of cons.

I go sit on my chair and close my eyes, trying to focus on not thinking about Felix. But doing that just keeps getting harder and harder.

Knock knock.

I glance at the clock. It’s not even dinner time yet, so I wonder who it is. I stand up and open the door, but no one is there. Did I just imagine the knocking?

Knock knock.

I realize the sound came from my room, and I turn around. Shock travels through me as I see Felix behind my window, standing on my balcony. Is he crazy? The room is on the second floor! I just stare at him while he lazily leans on a pillar on my balcony. What should I do? Should I let him in? But I don’t want to see him. But I can’t exactly just leave the Crown Prince out on the balcony either.

So, hesitantly, I walk to my balcony door and open it.

He smiles at me brightly. ‘’Well, here I am! What are your other two wishes?’’

What? What wishes?

“What are you doing here?” I ask, ignoring his weird sentence.

“I’m picking you up for a date, of course.”

“A date? I never agreed to go on a date,” I say, shock in my voice.

“Oh, you’re right. Okay, let me start over.” He bows to me and reaches out his hand, clearly hoping I’ll take it. “Will you come on a date with me?”

“No?” I say, confused.

He straightens himself. “No?”

“No.”

He takes a few steps toward me, and I feel my heart rate quicken. I instinctively take steps back, wanting to keep my distance. His eyes grow somehow a little darker as he walks toward me. Like sinking deeper into the slight turquoise sea, where the sun doesn’t shine so brightly anymore.

Then he suddenly stops and looks around my room. He walks into my closet and opens it.

“Hey! What the hell are you doing?” I burst out.

He grabs my cloak in there and turns to face me with a smile.

“I thought you didn’t use bad words,” he says teasingly.

And then I realize my slip.

“Oh crap.” I react to my slip, and immediately after that realize I just said another curse word and slam my hand over my mouth, like it would take it back somehow.

Felix chuckles at me as he walks closer again. He puts the cloak on me and lifts the hood to cover me.

“I’m sure God doesn’t care about curse words, so just relax.”

He takes my hand. “Come on, let’s go.”

“I said no.”

“Oh, I heard that.”

“You do understand that ‘no’ means that I’m not going to go on a date with you?”

“Yes. But I’m not a very nice person when it comes to honoring others’ opinions. So I decided that I don’t care what you want.”

“What?”

He has already pulled me out onto the balcony. Then he lifts me onto his lap, and I yelp and wrap my hands around his neck.

“Hold on.”

He hops on the railing, and I just stare down in horror. He is not going to jump, is he?

“Your Highness, please just—”

My sentence turns into a scream when he jumps off the balcony. I close my eyes, not wanting to see what’s happening. I feel a slight thud and open my eyes slowly to see we’re in the yard. The landing was way smoother than it should be. Did he use magic or something?

He lets me down, grabs my hand, and starts to pull me.

“Come on, follow me.”

“Your Highness, where are we going?”

“Outside.”

“Outside? But I’m not allowed to leave the Palace grounds.”

“I know. That’s why we’re going to sneak out.”

“Sneak out? What if we get caught?”

“Don’t worry, I’ve done this a lot. We won’t get caught. And even if we do, what are they going to do? I’m the Crown Prince, after all.”

I guess he has a point there. But still, this feels wrong. I feel so uneasy about this. I mean, talking to him in the garden is one thing. But being with him alone outside the Palace? That’s just too much.

“Your Highness, please, I really don’t want to go.”

“Not even if we visit the temple?” he asks while turning his head to look at me.

“The temple?” I ask, a little confused.

“We can, if you want.”

I really do want to visit the temple. I mean, of course the church is nice too. But I feel more at home at the temple, closer to God. But is visiting the temple worth sneaking out with Felix?

“How are we even going to sneak out through the gates?” I ask.

“We’re not going through the gates. I have a little escape route, but it’s a secret. So you can’t tell anyone.” He winks at me while saying it.

A secret route to get in and out of the Palace? And he’s going to tell that to me? I’m not sure if that’s a very responsible thing to do. But after a while, we arrive at the Palace wall, and Felix just puts his hand against the rocks, and suddenly there’s a hole in the wall. We pass through it, and the hole behind us closes.

Is escaping the Palace something he really does often?

“So, you want to visit the temple first?” he asks.

I shift my gaze to him. Did we really just sneak out of the Palace? Is this really okay? But since we’re already outside, there’s no harm in visiting the temple. Or at least I think so.

I give him a nod, and we start walking, still holding hands. When we arrive at the city street, I pull my hood a little bit lower, wanting to make sure no one will recognize me. Which shouldn’t be a problem since no one ever recognizes me, even when I’m walking freely.

“So, how were the history lessons?” Felix asks.

“They were alright,” I answer, not feeling very comfortable having this weird small talk during our runaway.

“So, what are you going to study next week?”

“Don’t you know? It’s your Selection, after all.”

“Honestly, I’m not very interested in the Selection. I haven’t really participated in it, so I don’t know. I do vaguely remember Ted talking about the different subjects, but I didn’t pay much attention.”

That’s rather odd. He’s the one getting engaged through it, so one would think that he would be very interested in it.

“So what’s the next subject?” he pushes when I don’t answer.

I keep silent, not wanting to say. He turns to look at me, looking rather amused.

“What? What subject could be something you don’t want to say? Is it dancing or something?”

“No.”

“Then what?”

I look at the ground, feeling extremely embarrassed. “It’s you.”

“Me?” He looks surprised. “Did they really include a whole week about me?”

I just nod.

“Well, that feels damn weird. Maybe I should have paid more attention when they were planning the Selection. I bet all the knowledge they’re going to tell is only half-truths.”

“Why?”

“Since I don’t think anyone who participated in making the Selection knows me well. So the information must be just something from books or something I’ve done in my life.”

“Oh...”

“You know, if you really want to know about me, I can give you private lessons if you want,” he says teasingly, his intrusive eyes drilling into me.

“No thanks.”

He chuckles.

“What’s so funny about that?”

“I’m just happy that you’re not so cautious anymore with me.”

“What do you mean?” I think I still am.

“Well, before you would have answered more like: I respectfully decline your offer, Your Highness.”

Crap. He’s right. My “no thanks” was a rather rude way to decline that.

“Don’t get me wrong. I prefer you like this more, being more relaxed.” He says, like he knew I was anxious about my rude answer.

Am I being more relaxed? I don’t feel like it. My heart is racing, and my body feels so tense, just because I’m near him. That’s far from being relaxed.

Soon we arrive at the temple. It’s not the one I usually visit, where my father works as a High Priest, but it’s the closest one to the Palace. I have visited here many times, so it still feels pretty homey. I think every temple would feel like home at this point. Felix walks with me into the large prayer room. There is a decent amount of people, which is expected since temples get way more visitors than small churches.

We go sit in one of the empty rows, and I glance while Felix just closes his eyes. Is he going to pray too? I’m a little uncomfortable for a while, only because Felix is sitting next to me. But I eventually close my eyes too and focus on praying.

The scent of the temple fills me and makes me relax. I ask for forgiveness for our little sneak-away trip. I hope it’s not too bad of a thing to do. Then I go over my usual mantra, praying for my family and other people, hoping to get strength to resist my attraction toward Felix.

At some point, I open my eyes and just gaze upon the altar of the huge statue of the God of Creation. I enjoy the soothing atmosphere and look around at the people, looking for salvation or support from God. There are priests among them, some praying, some talking with citizens. There is a very fancy confession booth in the far corner, and there’s a small line for it.

I feel my racing heart settling while I’m here. I’m not sure how long I just sit there, watching, enjoying myself. Maybe sneaking out was a good idea after all. Then I suddenly notice Felix watching me with a smile. I immediately feel my heart start to beat a little faster again.

“What?” I ask.

“Nothing. Just enjoying the scene.”

“In that case, you should at least try to watch the scene,” I say, because he clearly wasn’t watching the scene around us at all.

“Are you ready?”

I nod, and he once again grabs my hand as we start walking outside the temple. The skin on my hand starts to tingle from his touch. Am I ever going to get used to his touching?

He leads me toward the market area. There are so many people that I’m sure someone would recognize Felix. But I guess his hood covers his face enough since no one even glances at us.

“Where are we going next?” I ask.

“We’re going to eat.”

“Eat? Where?”

“I thought we could have a picnic by the lake.”

A picnic? But he isn’t even carrying any picnic basket. We walk through the central garden and slow our pace. I like visiting this place. I mean, I guess there’s no garden I wouldn’t like to visit. And it’s pretty quiet too. I guess it’s getting so late that people are starting to head home.

“Can I ask you something?” Felix’s voice drags me out of my thoughts.

“Why do I have a feeling that you’ll ask it whether I give you permission or not?”

He chuckles. “Good point.”

He turns his head to look at me while we walk.

“Do you feel like it’s your duty to be devoted to God, or is it just something you want to do voluntarily?”

I fall silent for a while, thinking before explaining.

“That’s a hard question. I guess both. I, of course, want to be devoted, but I also feel like it’s my duty. God created us all, made this whole world happen. So I think it’s my duty to worship her.”

“Okay. Well, do you think God wants people to worship her?”

That’s an odd question. “I guess so. She is God, after all.”

“Well, do you think God is selfish?”

“No! Of course not.”

He smiles at me and then suddenly jumps to stand on a bench, acting all dramatic once again.

“Okay. Let’s pretend I’m God.”

“You know that is blasphemy,” I point out.

“Silence! You infidel, listen when God speaks!” He lowers his voice and puffs his chest like he’s really acting as some otherworldly being.

I fight the urge to smile and stay silent.

“If I’m God and decide to create a beautiful world, and then I think that, whoa, it’s pretty empty and lonely here, and I decide I want to create humans. And I want them to worship me since I’m just a magnificent being. Do you think it’s selfish of me to create humans just so they can worship me?”

I furrow my brows. “I guess so.”

“So do you think our God is selfish and wants people to worship her? Or do you think she’s unselfish and just wants us to live our lives and occupy the world she created?”

I guess he kind of has a point in all that.

“Okay, maybe you’re right. Maybe God doesn’t need us to serve her like that. But I don’t think God would hate the fact that people worship her. It’s always nice to have recognition for something you’ve done. And I don’t think God is different in that. So even if we’re not required to worship her, I do believe she appreciates it.”

I turn around and start walking forward, leaving him to stand on the bench.

“Wait! You can’t leave your God behind like that. That definitely counts as blasphemy!” he yells behind me in his dramatic fake God voice.

I hear him jumping down and running toward me. I keep my pace, walking ahead.

“I don’t think it’s blasphemy when the God in question is just a Crown Prince acting funny.”

His head appears next to me, and he smirks at me.

“So, you think I’m funny?”

I roll my eyes at him. He really is hopeless.

“I didn’t say whether you succeeded at that or not.”

“You really are a harsh audience, aren’t you? But don’t you worry, I’ll break your shell eventually.”

“My shell?” I ask, turning to look at him.

He nods, confident.

“I can be stubborn like that, you know.” He tilts his head and smirks teasingly at me.

I feel something stirring inside me again.

Why do I suddenly have a feeling that this sneaking-out session isn’t such a good idea after all?