(BL) Taming the Field Guide

Pamela did not want to be here.

Pamela had never wanted to be here.

The last time she had felt this nervous, this sick to her stomach, was when she was confronting Rene about the messages she had found on her phone. The same confrontation she had gone to Casper immediately after and cried into his arms.

Now Pamela stood outside of his assigned room, her throat tight with tears she was refusing to cry, two Espers watching her with blank expressions. She was grateful for that. If they had looked at her with pity, she might have broken down and cried.

She checked her tablet, checking to see if she had everything on the list that Casper had sent her over two hours ago. It had taken her some time to make time to go retrieve his list of things. It was made a harder task because he didn’t tell her where these things were. It took her messaging the Captain and calling Taylor to find out that some of the things that were missing at his apartment were actually in the room that he had occupied with Gunther.

Pamela closed her eyes, taking a shaky breath in as she controlled herself again.

Thinking about Gunther made Pamela angry. Not because of anything that he had done, and he had done a lot, but because he was the one who had asked for help in Casper’s stead. He was the one who had forced the issue, it hadn’t been Pamela.

She felt like such a shitty friend because of it, and it wasn’t like she had any excuses. Sure, her life felt like it was falling apart, and she had gone to the front lines to escape Rene and the pain that was tearing her apart inside, but she should have been there for her friend.

She should have noticed when he had started slipping. She should have paid closer attention to him. Instead, she was dumb blond who had ignored how her friend was doing. She was truly living up to the stereotype.

The bags at her feet felt heavy, weighty. Even though she was an A Class Esper, they felt too heavy for her to lift. She knew it was just the emotional baggage, but her arms trembled as she got to the bottom of the list and realised she had grabbed everything he had requested.

It was a short message. No emotion. It was unlike Casper, and worried her to no end. She had wanted to speak to the Captain or Kellen before she came here, but both men were preoccupied with work. Taylor’d had a particular glitter to her eye as she had said that, so she didn’t fully trust it, but there was also a relief in Taylor’s shoulders that told her something good had happened.

It felt wrong to Pamela that any good should be happening when Casper was in such a shitty situation.

The door next to the room she was standing in front of opened, and Gunther poked his head out. Pamela shouldn’t have been as startled as she was, but she jerked where she stood. Gunther looked very apologetic, his face a little splotchy and puffy.

"Is everything alright? You’ve been standing there for a while. Do you need my help?" He asked softly, quietly. Pamela swallowed thickly. She wanted to yell at the man. Wanted to curse him out, blame him for doing this to her friend, but she knew that her anger was misplaced.

Was she projecting her own problems onto Casper? Maybe. Which was why she didn’t say anything angrily when she spoke to Gunther, keeping her expression calm. She was very good at keeping her emotions inside, a terrible side effect of her powers.

"I’ll be okay, Gunther. I’m just...working up the courage." She said quietly. Gunther nodded, not probing further.

"Well, I’m next door if you need anything." He told her, meeting her gaze seriously. She watched as he gripped the doorframe tightly, his knuckles going white before he pulled back, stepping into the room and closing the door.

Pamela knew it was a stupid, silly reaction, but she wanted to flip him off. She had too many witnesses, so she restrained herself. Instead, she finally faced her fears, tucked the tablet away, and knocked on the door.

There was no response. At least, not right away. Thanks to Pamela’s heightened hearing, she could hear him moving around inside. It felt like hours passed before the sound of the lock turning could be heard and Casper opened the door.

He looked better and worse than she had imagined. He was clean, which she wasn’t sure he would be, but he also looked...defeated in a way she hadn’t seen in a long time. A long, long time.

"I brought your things." Pamela said carefully. She wasn’t sure what kind of expression to make as she took in his expression. His grey eyes were listless, dead, and the silver framed glasses looked clean, but she had a feeling that was because of the Captain. His brown hair was clean, but already spiked and he wasn’t wearing his Guide uniform. Instead he wore a giant sweater, one he swam in.

Pamela had no idea where he had gotten in, and it wasn’t something he had ever worn before.

"Where did you..." She trailed off and Casper’s eyes lit up slightly, before his face flushed slightly. He looked down, tugging the fabric at the edges.

"It’s Theodores." He told her softly and Pamela found herself making a small noise of agreement. Of course it fucking was.

"May I?" She asked, and Casper stepped back. Pamela picked up the bags, about to loop the others onto her fingers but one of the Guild Espers beside her picked up the two bags she couldn’t easily carry. Pamela cast them a grateful look as they both stepped into the apartment assigned to Casper.

It wasn’t a bad apartment. None of them were. For a space where Casper was going to be confined for an unknown period of time, Casper couldn’t have asked for a better place to be.

Of course, that was all relative, but Pamela was trying to think in the positives. They had given him a room with a nice, big window. Casper would like that. He liked windows overlooking high places.

Pamela hated how her mind spun, making that into a negative. She swallowed, forcing herself to focus on the task at hand.

"Thank you for helping. Casper, can you show me where you would like everything?" Casper nodded, and Pamela was thankful that he was responding to her. She had worried that he wouldn’t. That he would deny her at the door and that she was going to have to force her way in. That would have made this only worse.

They worked together, putting away the things that Casper had requested. They didn’t utter a word to each other. Each passing moment made it harder for Pamela to speak, the awkwardness in every breath and step. She wondered if Casper felt it. She hoped that he did.

When that was done, and the bags that Pamela had brought over were empty, they stood in the living room. They only had a few spotlight lamps on to illuminate the space, none of the larger lights were on.

Pamela watched the light cross Casper’s face, saw how he was breathing slowly, cautiously, and Pamela opened her mouth.

"What are you going to do?" She asked. Casper froze, his eyes slowly moving towards hers. He seemed shocked that she would even ask that.

"What am I going to do?" He asked, sounding confused. "What can I do? I have no choice in this." He said. Pamela swallowed. She cared deeply for him, truly did, but she also knew how the others were.

"You have a choice, Casper. You always have a choice." She said, her voice breaking slightly as she spoke. Emotion choked her as she spoke. "You could leave if you wanted. You don’t have to stay here and put up with them forcing you to stay here." Pamela said. Casper, who had been only partially facing her, turned to face her fully. He looked...confused. Like the idea had never crossed his mind.

"I am not allowed." He said and Pamela shook her head.

"You are allowed. Of course you are allowed. It would just..." she took in a deep breath. "It would just have consequences." She gave him a warbled smile. "We wouldn’t be a part of the same Guild anymore." She whispered.

Casper looked as if she had said something he had never considered. He reached for something to hold onto, finding the pole that held up one of the lights. It was something flimsy to hold onto, but it felt oddly symbolic of everything going on around them.

"Not be a part of the Guild?" Casper rasped, sounding horrified by the suggestion. Pamela gave a wet chuckle.

"You were planning to do that only a few weeks ago. You’ve changed your mind so quickly?" She asked and the air stilled. Then, something began to grow between them. The old Casper.

Casper’s eyes grew clear for the first time since she had entered the room and he met her gaze, truly seeing her and his eyes began to fill with tears.

"You shouldn’t tell me that. I’m supposed to be held accountable for my actions. As a Lieutenant, you’ve suggested something terrible." He told her, his hands shaking. Pamela shrugged, her smile not reaching her eyes.

"Well, what am I supposed to do? You’re practically being held hostage. Am I supposed to remain calm when my best friend is behind closed doors and being forced to do things against his will? I was dating a lawyer, remember? I can figure out legal loopholes." She joked, the pain in her chest deepening. Casper also looked pained at her words.

"No, Pam. No." He rasped. "Besides, it’s not so bad." He joked. "They just...want me to get better." He whispered. "And to acknowledge all of the fucked up things that I did." He told her, then his expression crumbled. Pamela barely caught him in time as he collapsed, and she helped him to the couch. "What the fuck have I done?" He whispered. "I hurt everyone. I hurt Rhys, I hurt Kellen, I hurt Theodore." He raised his watery grey gaze. "I hurt you, Pam." He whispered and Pamela sucked in a deep breath.

"It’s okay." She told him. She couldn’t mean her words, and that made Casper look even more upset. She tugged him against her chest, her grip on him tight as she hugged him. "It’s going to be okay." She put her powers into her words, feeling Casper slouch slightly as his body relaxed. She hated doing it, hated knowing that the idea wasn’t fully her own, stemming from the Captain.

She did know it came from a good place. He wasn’t asking her to pressure her, he just asked her to check on him, give him support if he needed it. This was partially Pamela’s idea, and Casper’s hands twitched against her back.

"You’re too good to me." Casper whispered. Pamela’s eyes watered as she realised he knew what she was doing. It tore her up that he was thankful for it. How much pain had he been in that he welcomed this kind of treatment? "I won’t leave you behind, Pam." He promised and Pamela desperately wanted to believe him.

The fresh wounds on his arms when she rolled up his sleeves afterwards did not make it easy for her to believe his words.