Chapter 506: Foreign Diplomacy
As expected, Florella had improved the interior of the ship.
True, I couldn’t remember what it looked like before, but I already knew this was better. It was now dressed in warm and homely colours, with a mix of fluffy carpets, mahogany furnishing and beautiful portraits lining the hallways … many of which showed my angelic smile.
And also my angelic wings. And my angelic aura bright enough to drown out the sun.
To my surprise, I recognised the brushwork.
It was the countryside baroness from Hartzweise. And while I hadn’t been impressed by her barn, I was by the portraits she’d tried decorating it with.
Her rate of improvement was notable.
Indeed, just the use of both watercolours and oils to denote my natural warmth was worthy of a pause. At this rate, I’d need to visit Soap Island just to offer her a nod. She just had to iron out the mistakes.
Because while the angelic smile and aura were true, I’d yet to sprout my wings.
This was a problem.
Accuracy was important, after all.
For one thing, it’d help remind the Granholtz ambassador who I was.
He’d somehow forgotten that as a foreign diplomat, there was no world in which it was acceptable to seek an audience with me without observing formality. That meant offering my hearth enough letters to last through the next winter.
Even so, this was no great surprise.
As a career politician who’d earned a reputation for ambition even amongst his peers, I had no doubt he’d harassed so many princesses that confusing our names barely made his list of favourite faux pas.
However, as the Grand Duchess’s voice in the Kingdom of Tirea, there was also little he was permitted to do without the approval of the spider above him.
An urgent matter clearly demanded he waive diplomatic protocol.
Thus, I did what any princess would do.
… I made him wait.
“Ohohoho … my masterpiece is complete!”
Smiling in satisfaction, I turned around an easel.
What was revealed upon the canvas was an immaculate portrait of Coppelia sitting behind a moonlit desk while folding napkins into dragons … something made considerably harder by how many dragons I had to keep adding.
Here within the cozy warmth of Florella’s private study, we were both making our own contributions to The Gentle Princess.
The napkin dragons would decorate the dining chamber, while the portrait would remind any passing ogre that if they became my handmaiden, they too could earn a portrait from me.
“Uwah~ that’s amazing!” Coppelia leaned over the desk, beaming as she admired my handiwork. “You captured my cute side! No, wait–my Coppelia side! That’s an 11/10 right there!”
I nodded with pride.
Few things deserved a better than perfect score, but everything I did was one of them.
“Wonderful, isn’t it? I’m going to donate it to the ship.”
“Ooh, that’s great! I’ve always wanted a portrait of myself to end up as treasure someday.”
I was taken aback.
“Coppelia! What are you implying? Are you saying this wonderful portrait is destined to end up at the bottom of the sea?”
“Yes, because ships are just floating treasure chests until they decide to stop floating.”
“Well, other ships, maybe. But not this one. The Gentle Princess will survive the test of time.”
“I don’t think time is the issue. It’s krakens, whirlpools and storms. And that’s amazing.”
“Wha-! How is that amazing?”
“I mean, can you imagine how much our portraits will go for? … I bet there’ll be a bunch of people fighting and backstabbing each other at shady auctions over them! We get to do nothing and the cycle of violence will continue! Plus we get all the proceeds when we suddenly show up to claim ownership!”
I let out a gasp.
“Why, I had no idea! You’re absolutely right!”
“Mmh. That’s why you don’t put anything on a ship unless you want it causing chaos in the future.”
“In that case, I need to make sure all the portraits are up to standard! If our smiles are going to be haggled over, then I need to make sure we fetch the highest price possible!”
Coppelia giggled as she added another dragon to her growing collection on the desk.
That was perfect timing. She could help. Possibly.
“... Speaking of portraits,” I said with an innocent clap of my hands. “I can’t help but notice that I’ve been seeing less of the art tutor my father re-hired for you, despite the fact she’s meant to be a daily fixture in the Royal Villa. How have your classical art studies been progressing?”
“Really well!”
“Wonderful. How much progress is that from last week?”
“0%!”
“I see.” I paused. “And what about your other studies? Your poetry classes for example?”
“Also really well! I made 0% progress since my last recorded update.”
“Hmmmmm … and what about your sewing classes? Tea making? Tea pouring? Tea selecting?”
“All 0%!”
I nodded with a smile.
And then–
“C-Coppelia! You’ve been at the Royal Villa for several weeks! How could you make no progress?!”
“Hey! I’ve been busy with my tower!”
“Yes, but you cannot just ignore your lessons! That’s what I do! What will you do when the other handmaidens come to visit? … Why, it’ll be awful if they gossip about you. Even after they leave, you’ll be wondering where the high-pitched buzzing noise is coming from.”
“Eh, that’s fine. I’ll just show them my cool scythe. That solves every problem.”
I thought for a moment, then shook my head.
Her scythe was almost as multi-purpose as my sword. But it still wasn’t enough to ward away social oblivion.
Sadly, there was only one group more judgemental when it came to expectations than princesses, and that was their entourages.
“Ahem.”
… However, not far away were also diplomats who weren’t aware of their own shortcomings.
Saving Coppelia’s cheeks from a [Princess Poke] as she explained why learning to pour tea wasn’t an essential responsibility, the 17th cough of the evening sounded from just beyond the door.
A record as far as lack of etiquette went.
It was already enough that the ambassador was even present, but he also insisted on showing impatience. The coughs were only allowed to sound upon each hour. That was something even brigands observed.
“... Do you think the guy needs cough drops?” asked Coppelia, rummaging through her pouch. “I have something which might cure him or render him paralysed.”
“A highly empathic suggestion. However, it’s better to keep it. There are better hoodlums than diplomats worthy of your smoothie ingredients. Just not by much. I’ve no idea what this man thinks he’s doing. Even for him, this is an abandonment of protocol without precedent.”
“... You must have done something big, huh?”
“E-Excuse me, but I haven’t done anything!”
I paused.
“... I think.”
Indeed, I was completely innocent! … But even if I wasn’t, that didn’t matter!
As a busy princess, I was well within my rights to reject any interruption to my schedule, and if it wasn’t for the fact I could make use of this, I’d be pointing him towards the nearest steward to appall instead.
“Ahem.”
… Something the 18th cough meant I was very tempted to do.
“The guy has a twirly moustache. That means he’s important, right?”
“He’s the highest ranking envoy for Granholtz, speaking with the Grand Duchess’s voice in all matters pertaining to our two nations. And while that doesn’t mean he’s important, it does mean he’s the dullest man you will ever meet.”
“I dunno. It feels like a lot of explosions happen here. You have to be adventurous to deal with that.”
“On the contrary, there hasn’t been nearly enough for his needs.”
“Are you sureeee? … Because this is definitely a higher than average percentage of things blowing up.”
“Very sure. By ‘dull’, I mean that his ambitions are the same as every other spy sent to waste Roland’s time. He exists solely to spur discontent and calamity. I’ve no doubt this visit is meant to encourage that.”
“In that case, he’s gone to the wrong princess. You’ve never once caused an explosion.”
“Exactly,” I said, as I reached into my bottomless pouch for crowns. “My heart is as pure as my official record … which is why he’s chosen to meet with me, knowing full well my brothers and sisters are near. Clearly, he hopes to sow the seeds of distrust. Perhaps he has rumours to offer under the guise of an impromptu rendezvous. We shall take advantage of this.”
I smiled and nodded.
Ohohohohoho!
Indeed, far be it for me to ignore a prime opportunity!
If the ambassador wished to reveal his hand, that was fine by me! Whatever wedge he wished to drive into my kingdom, I would pull it out to use as blackmail material!
“Got it~! What do we do?”
“We do what we must. We partake in the Grand Dance. You’ve witnessed the slyness of my nobility in my father’s court. But the Granholtz ambassador is a slither above them. We shall need to approach this conversation with the caution and footwork that it deserves. It is, after all, a high level diplomatic meeting, regardless of the unusual circumstances.”
Coppelia nodded in excitement.
“Mmh, mmh! So that means … ?”
“That means when I start laughing, I need you to laugh as well.”
A groan came at once.
“Ugh … do I have to?”
“Of course.” I made my way over to Coppelia’s side, all the while pulling the only other chair. “Whatever that man has to say, having an appropriate response is everything.”
Coppelia puffed out her cheeks, clearly already disappointed by her first showing of foreign diplomacy.
She’d have room to be more disappointed.
Ding-a-ling.
Thus, I rang the servant’s bell by the table, before taking my seat behind the desk. I left the napkin dragons where they were.
“You may enter now,” I lightly called out.
The door opened at once, pulled aside by an ogre sailor.
Stepping past was a man who only grew thinner with each year spent in my kingdom.
This year was no different.
Aside from his twirly moustache, he’d never looked worse.
Although he wasn’t as wrinkled as his peers, each and every line on his face was showing. His garments, halfway between a diplomat’s uniform and a nobleman’s attire, were by far the most colourful part about him. Even the patch of grey showing on the fringes of his hair was more vibrant than his expression.
I waited for him to make whatever complaints he wanted.
Instead, he swept towards a cabinet he had no permission to go near, opened a bottle of liquor that was clearly for display purposes only, then poured half its contents into a single glass.
The ambassador swallowed the drink, then returned the glass to its shelf.
I was impressed.
Unpardonably coarse. A crime against decorum. Rude beyond measure.
This was one of his better days.
“... Did you originally gift that?” I asked curiously, pointing at the bottle.
The ambassador nodded.
“I did. Dragonsbreath Brandy. A thing as expensive as it is unfit for consumption. I’m delighted it works as intended. Useful should you feel the need to sample it in the next few moments.”
The man had the look of someone with quite a few words he wished to add.
Instead, he gave a weary sigh as he straightened his shoulders, only to immediately offer a bow.
“... Your Highness, allow me to present you Lady Dealer. I know not what you have done to earn her curiosity. But if I’m lucky, perhaps I shall remain unknowing.”
I raised an eyebrow, then looked at the doorway.
Only an ogre sailor peeked around the corner.
“Yes?” I asked. “Where is this … lady?”
The ambassador raised himself, before gesturing behind me.
Coppelia and I turned around.
There, leaning against the corner, her figure barely lit by the moonlit window, was the uniformed maiden with eyes of scarlet and gold.
She held up a coin.
Except that instead of silver or gold, it was coloured in chequered black and red.
“I wish to place a bet~” she said, smiling.