Chapter 501: House In Order
Like a newly hired servant hoping to avoid eye contact all the way until retirement, the hat merchant remained stooped, one arm swept across his chest as he offered a passable bow.
It was a pose he’d have time to improve.
After all–
“Ohohohoho … ohoho … ohohohohoho … !!”
He had no need to look up to see my response.
Within this walnut chamber, my laughter echoed amidst the shelves, joined by a string quartet as together we formed a chorus for all the hells to hear.
I laughed until my diaphragm hurt, followed by my knee as I accidentally struck the wooden counter. Neither was as sore as my throat. A stinging dryness took hold of it as the laughter faded into coughs, until all that remained of my amusement were the tears.
Eventually, I wiped my eyes, then offered a nod.
“Ohoho … rejected.”
The hat merchant waited several moments.
Once certain no more laughter was due, he raised himself and smiled.
“So soon? I’ve not even had the chance to present my uses.”
“Your uses are already known to me. And none are needed. I’ve already enough denizens of the hells bothering me. They’re called caterpillars.”
“A most unfair comparison. Caterpillars gnaw and nibble away, just as all who intrude upon your life do. I, on the other hand, seek to repair the damage that others have caused.”
“Is that so? And what would you use for repairs? Leaves dry enough to catch fire in the sun?”
“Most certainly not. It would be stone as thick as the conviction which drives you, to ensure that no matter which pillars your rivals hope to erode, the walls of your kingdom shall always be secure.”
“My, quite the patriot. I had no idea you were so loyal. I trust you pay your taxes while you hawk your wares in the streets of my royal capital?”
“As a matter of fact, I do.”
Click.
The hat merchant snapped his fingers.
However, instead of conjuring the exit, he summoned a list of tax filings along with everything needed to earn them. Trading permits, stall licences and receipts for simple bribes all appeared in a puff of violet smoke.
I narrowed my eyes as I studied the floating records, then blew them away.
“You’re missing a document.”
The devil blinked, a look of genuine curiosity on his face.
“Truly? What would that be? I believe I’ve been quite thorough with my accounting affairs.”
“There’s a permit required specifically for devils to operate.”
“I wasn’t aware of this. When was this implemented?”
“Now. It applies retrospectively. You’re required to provide compensation for each and every act of mischief you’ve ever conducted, as well as every soul you’ve led to oblivion.”
“Then I’m delighted I’m not in arrears. I’ve little time for either mischief or damning the innocent. The latter, in particular, is far too expensive for me. Few things are as valuable as a soul. And as a merchant, I must ensure the scales of exchange are always level.”
“You’ve failed. A conversation with me has tipped it so heavily it’s groaning under the weight. There is a cost to my time, and I am keeping count.”
The devil offered a nod. He appeared satisfied.
“As is your right. Your time is precious. For the things you can achieve with it are worth more than any of the sacks the Snow Dancer has ridiculously dropped into your lake. That’s why I shall pay for it with the only thing no amount of crowns could buy–loyalty.”
“You insult my nobility. They too can be paid to loyally push me down a well.”
“Rest assured, I would only do that to rescue you from the glint of a guillotine. Doubt not the sincerity of a devil, for unlike all others, we alone cannot be bribed.”
“Now that’s just unappealing. Somebody who cannot be bribed is somebody without standards. I require my underpaid stooges to have a high opinion of their worth.”
“My opinion of my worth is the highest. That is why my word is more than gold. It is a strand of my very being, more unbreakable than any kinship or bond. And I offer it now free of any stipulations.”
“Thank you. I prefer the stipulations.”
“Your Highness, I am not speaking in jest.”
“Neither am I. Any condition written in ink is cheaper than indulging whatever dull motive you possess. And also visually impressive. Frankly, if you’re going to drag me into the hells to offer your services, you should do the smoking, flaming contract thing. It’s at least aesthetically pleasing.”
“An infernal contract is only necessary when I must secure an equal exchange for my services. Here it’s quite unnecessary. Your wish, after all, is the same as mine.”
I raised an eyebrow in puzzlement.
A moment later, I turned around, searching for the structurally sound pillow castle the sweating architects assured me wasn’t feasible.
“… Are you certain?” I asked, quite dubious.
“Very much so. For we both share the same yearning for that rarest of ideals–peace.”
The hat merchant waited.
And then he continued to wait.
“Your Highness, this is where you–”
“Oh, yes, peace is famously my only concern. Except I doubt my definition is the same as a devil’s.”
“The only difference is scope. For while you wish to do away with all that would threaten the borders of your kingdom, I am concerned with staving off that which would threaten the sanctity of the mortal realm. And in this, we share the same foe.”
I let out a groan.
“Ugh. Fine. If you have a badger problem, I’ll show you how to deal with it. But only once. There’s only so much I can sympathise before you learn how to deal with gardening issues yourself.”
“I do not refer to badgers, even as damnable as the ones here are. I refer to chaos.”
He leaned forwards slightly, the hue of his eyes turning serious.
“... Yes. Chaos. That most belligerent of foes. For it is the absence of law which is the root of every problem that has ever occurred. I detest those who cannot abide by the rules, instead choosing to drown in anarchy, dragging us and my bottom line down with them. And now more than ever, the bored, the dull and the malcontent threaten the peace that you and I of shared mind enjoy.”
“Please, my tummy has only recovered. I cannot possibly laugh again.”
“Then know that this is no laughing matter. I enjoy the world greatly. My finest customers are there. And it has never been more imperilled.”
“The world has always been imperilled. Mostly by devils who do not know the limits of their own charisma. I see no reason why you would care what calamity occurs. Desperation breeds opportunity, after all.”
“Desperation breeds desperation. And in a world where any mage can summon the elbow of a goddess at the expense of their own mortality, my concern is not my fellow devils, but hubris.”
The hat merchant leaned away slightly, tidying his smile as he remembered his usual candour.
“... Sadly, Your Highness, there are only so many of me and so very many mortals. These days, I find myself tempering flames far more than I’m causing them. Fools breed problems faster than I can take advantage of. And that is not a joyous problem.”
“My, then be glad I’m solving it. That’s what Soap Island is for.”
“Soap Island is indeed a marvel. But it isn’t enough to scrub away the black horizon to come.”
“The black horizon already came. You were there. You did absolutely nothing while I shooed it away. Now the only blot I see is you.”
“For the present, yes. Yet this is only a lull. A calm before the storm. You’ve earned a pause, but not a reprieve. Calamity is a chain without end, so entangled that only one escape remains.”
“Yes. Summoning a maid. If they can pry me from my bed, they can free me from anything.”
“Not from this.” The hat merchant raised his finger. “The only escape is to wield the chain. To control what has been left to flounder and to snag, turning it from a knot into a noose.”
I nodded.
“You sound more impressive when you speak like a devil. You should begin your pitches with slightly nefarious lines like that.”
“There’s nothing nefarious about stability. I desire to right a ship that threatens to capsize … but in you, I see an opportunity to calm the very waters itself.”
“Ah, so it’s not a well you intend to push me into, but an ocean.”
“If I did, the waves would exist only to carry you ashore.”
The devil smiled. And for once, I knew it to be genuine.
“I am offering you power, Your Highness. Power the likes of which my customers crawling to my door beg a sliver of. You shall have it all. Because unlike them, you can bring order. That is the balm to fix the haemorrhage. To preserve all the rules that liches, necromancers and common ghouls would hope to undo. I wish for a board where parity can be observed and gains admired. To trade in a well-managed market than the ruins of a hovel.”
“Oh? And I take it you wish to manage such a market?”
A chuckle filled the air.
Slowly, the sound of the string quartet faded away.
“… I do not pretend to be selfless,” said the devil, raising his palms in earnestness. “Yet success is not mutually exclusive. I do not seek to advance my cause at the expense of those with whom I deal. And so I shall provide my services free of charge and free of deceit. I will join your retinue as your most ardent advisor, securing peace for your kingdom by securing peace for every kingdom, both above and below. I will give you the means to sweep aside the heavens, the hells, the fae and all mortals. You would become not a princess, but a goddess. And when all is done, you will truly know peace. That is the finest offer I have ever made.”
I hummed for a moment.
“Rejected.”
“Your Highness, I’ve witnessed your potential. You needn’t doubt what you can achieve.”
“Please. I hold no doubts at all. I’m amazing. When I stepped out of my bedroom, I had a failure rate of 0%. I’ve since succeeded in everything I’ve done. Do you know what that makes my failure rate now?”
"I … believe that would still make it 0%.”
“No. It is now in the negatives. My failure rate is minus 100%.”
“That … That isn’t quite–”
“Exactly. That’s how successful I am. Which means I’ll continue not failing even without your highly suspect assistance.”
The hat merchant stared at me.
He closed his eyes briefly, then upped the politeness of his smile.
“Indeed, you have a failure rate of … minus 100%. Something that is very much unprecedented. But even so, we can improve it. Guarantee it. My presence in your retinue will ensure success when all the world decides to go against you.”
“Thank you, but my retinue has a clockwork doll, a vampire, a troll, a succubus, a werewolf, a barkeeper, and once I can convince her, a receptionist. I have standards. I’m afraid there’s no room for a devil whispering in my ears.”
“Then there’s little issue. It’s not whispers that I offer. But a crown.”
He clicked his fingers.
All of a sudden, the room darkened as the chandelier’s light narrowed.
It struck the centre of the chamber… and there, newly revealed upon a podium, was a crown unlike any other. Mostly because it wasn’t actually a crown.
It was a bucket.
“The Crown of Insight,” said the fraud of a hat merchant, his eyes glowing like a dragon looking upon his hoard. “Crafted by one of the last remaining great wizards of your age.”
I was aghast.
“Excuse me? … This is what you’re tempting me with?”
“Indeed I am, for the Crown of Insight is a work unlike any other. It does not imbue or bestow any power the wearer does not have. It merely helps unlock the clarity of mind needed to dredge the hidden potential within. You are especially suited for it.”
I leaned away in horror.
“I … I have never been so insulted!”
“Your Highness, despite your rightful fears, I am not deceiving you. This is no cursed artifact to steal your soul. There is no competing mind to claim your own. All it will do is light the path for you to follow so that you may claim the world as your own.”
“And how will I do that when everyone is laughing at me?”
“Excuse me?”
“Look at it!” I pointed at what apparently wasn’t obvious. “It’s a bucket.”
The devil pursed his lips.
“It’s … aesthetically unique, yes,” he conceded. “I understand Dorlund’s become a hermit in a tower somewhere. That’s rarely helpful for modern sensibilities. But only the functionality matters.”
“That’s ridiculous. The only functionality I see is hearing my own embarrassment echoing in the bucket. I refuse to even contemplate this.”
The hat merchant sighed.
I had no idea why. I was the one grievously wronged.
Here I was, sucked to the ends of the abyss and into the deepest abode of a devil … and all the great temptation that the hells could offer me was a single bucket.
“Very well,” he said with a note of resignation. “That wasn’t quite the reason for rejection I expected, but I expected a rejection. You’ve good reason to doubt my intentions, to say nothing of the obvious dangers of wearing a crown–”
“A bucket.”
“A crown you’ve no knowledge of. The only way for you to understand is to sample its power.”
“For what reason? I already see how suited it is for holding carrots. I’m certain my horse will feel deeply insightful while chewing.”
“This isn’t a feeding trough. But I can understand your reluctance. A great shame. I cannot force you to wear the crown if you don’t want to.”
“Excellent. Then show me the exit.”
“Certinly. I believe it’s now opening up. And yet to reach it, it would be prudent for you to wear the Crown of Insight if only to ensure the safety of your head.”
I threw up my arms in exasperation.
“Why? Are there falling pianos in the hells as well?”
“Thankfully, no. This is not Ouzelia. But there are other dangers.”
“Yes? Such as what?”
The hat merchant smiled.
“Devils,” he said simply.
PWOOOMPH.
All of a sudden, the section of the wall dedicated to the bathroom door came crashing down.
Collapsing into rubble and dust, what was revealed in the gap was no longer the calming white of a marble backdrop, but whatever chamber existed beyond this one.
Or the remains of it, at least.
As the dust faded, hints of strewn furniture and charred walls could be seen, as though a battle, a ransacking or a very violent picnic had taken place.
Given who was standing in the newly made doorway, it might have been all of them.
Large shining eyes. A blue dress. A circlet of daisies upon her golden hair.
There stood a young girl cradling an armful of stuffed animals, her smiling expression far different from when I’d last seen her being sucked through her own stage.
But I suppose that made sense.
There was nothing quite like home.
“Found you~”