Chapter 495: Shortbread
It had finally happened.
I always thought it would be the fruit slimes first, but no. It was the cats. They’d grown so tired of adventurers scooping them up when they were sleeping that they finally decided to get rid of the problem altogether. And that was by scooping them up in return.
Indeed, the drunken slumbering of every adventurer was now in peril.
As I peered up at the celestial lion on the branch above me, I saw no lack of ways for it to thoroughly exact its vengeance.
Or perhaps they called it holy retribution.
Yes, this was no ordinary cat.
White fur enveloped in a moonlit hue. Claws the size of dinner forks. Canines fit to chew through stone.
Whether perched upon a quiet tree in the royal capital or standing watch before the gates of a holy fortress, here was a creature whose gaze could cause its foes to repent swifter than any sermon.
A celestial lion.
Normally found in the heavens. Now in a tree.
And that meant … I had nothing to fear!
Indeed, as an angel without wings, I was someone a creature of good would never attack. It could sense the purity of my spirit as easily as it could the butterflies it was shooing away with its fluffy tail.
However … that wasn’t the reason why Coppelia and I weren’t slowly climbing back down the tree to leave the magical holy feline for somebody else to harass.
“Mrworw.”
Rather, it’s because it was still lounging on the branch.
Although its size, shape and regal bearing had drastically changed, that didn’t apply to its posture.
Uncaring for its image, the celestial lion was still lying tummy-down on the thickest branch of its choice … except now its limbs were lazily dangling like socks draped over a washing line.
As it opened its jaws, it merely yawned and licked its lips, its chin barely moving as it rested upon its perch. It then closed its eyes and began to nap.
Just like that.
I waited several moments, then looked down at the elven lady with a clipboard.
“W-What is this?! Why is Shortbread so big?!”
“Shortbread has a hungry appetite. I also like spoiling him. He’s a big cat.”
“He’s not a cat! He’s a magical celestial lion!”
“Lions are also cats.”
“Cats do not glow and emit a holy aura! Why, I can feel it massaging my soul … which isn’t to suggest that it’s unpleasant, but you still cannot bring such a large pet into Reitzlake! Do you have a permit for this?”
“I don’t need a permit. Shortbread isn’t a pet. He’s my familiar.”
I threw up my arms in exasperation, before holding them out as I remembered to balance myself.
“... You’re a mage?!”
“Only a little bit. I dabble in magic. It’s mostly to help with my atelier work.”
“Well, in that case, you can command the magical lion to come down and help with your sewing!”
“I cannot. Shortbread has a mind of his own. I can only summon him to my side. Once he’s here, he’s free to accompany me or go exploring. I could forcibly summon him again, but that’s only done in the severest of circumstances. It’s not nice to be suddenly tugged away.”
“Then perhaps you should have left him in the heavens where he belongs! … Why is he with you? How did you learn to summon him? And is that something you can teach?”
“Very unlikely. I’m afraid I’m not a teacher. Shortbread just happened to be the one who answered my call when I needed a second opinion on a dress.”
“Then why is he here now? … Because there certainly isn’t anything worth grading in this festival. Have you seen what the average person is wearing?”
“I have. It makes me want to go back to the forest. But Shortbread cares less than I do. He’s here to enjoy the sights. So far, he seems to have taken a liking to this tree. I’m not too certain why. The branches look like they’re in desperate need of a sewing kit.”
The celestial lion yawned. As he should.
Between him and anyone distracted on the ground, it was clear who was in greater danger.
“... Well, can you at least make him slightly less conspicuous? At this rate, all the louts in the kingdom will be converging just for the chance to rescue him from his nap.”
“All are free to try. Just as you are. The request still stands. If you prefer to be the adventurer who earns the reward, then you’ll need to help him down.”
“Help? Help using what? A wheelbarrow? How can you possibly expect Coppelia to carry something several times her size and not look silly? She has a delicate image to maintain.”
Coppelia smiled enthusiastically, her fists at the ready.
Indeed, this was the kind of self-sacrifice she was famed for. But just because she was willing didn’t mean she should. There was a difference between gently carrying me in her arms and slinging a celestial lion over her shoulder. If anyone saw her, people might think she was anything but a fragile maiden.
“That won’t be an issue,” said Lady Celisse, with a confident nod she had no right to give. “No carrying is required. All you have to do is gently nudge him.”
“You wish for me to nudge the dozing celestial lion?”
“Yes. Shortbread is an excellent judge of character. If he likes you, he’ll oblige your request. If not, then I’m afraid there’s no other method. But you needn’t worry. He won’t harm you unless he senses you harbouring wicked intentions. Especially regarding marriage scams. Please do your best.”
I let out a groan.
On one hand, this was the most suspicious woman I’d ever met. On the other, this was also the most normal cat owner I’d ever met. And yet it was neither her dubious nature nor fascination with problematic romances that was most worthy of my gall.
It was her utter lack of tact regarding her own familiar.
“I will not do anything. You demonstrate an appalling lack of concern.”
“As I said, there is no danger–”
“I’m not referring to myself, but to Shortbread.”
“... Excuse me?”
Indeed, the more I heard, the more horrified I was.
Why … this celestial lion deserved better!
I had no idea why it had chosen to be summoned by this strange woman, but it certainly wasn’t for her civility. If she was judging herself, then she’d already have failed.
After all, to dare suggest that nudging anything at all while it was napping was outrageous!
Even as a princess who believed that chivalry was something to abuse, I would never consider punting the worst of hoodlums if they were trying to escape into a dream where I was smiling and happy!
That’s why–
“Coppelia, I need you to help me down.”
“Eh?”
“There’s nothing for us to do here. The celestial lion is clearly tired of the festival and is seeking respite from the noise. His presence in a tree is problematic, but not enough that I’m willing to disturb from his slumber.”
Lady Celisse blinked.
She then patted her cloak in search of more bottomless pouches. A needless exercise. It didn’t matter how many she had. I had my dignity. And so did a celestial lion.
“I don’t understand,” she said, seemingly having nothing else to conjure. “Is the reward not enough?”
“Crowns are not the issue. Basic etiquette is. Something that I thought was better taught in the forests.”
“Have I done something to offend you … ?”
“Indeed you have. It’s one thing to imply that Shortbread could accidentally fall down from his branch, but to simply tear him away from it is another. That’s the only danger. If he falls, it will be of his own volition. A cat does not need rescuing, and neither does a celestial lion. Unlike the hoodlums, I’m not in the business of kidnapping felines and pretending this isn’t part of some grand conspiracy to keep themselves in business.”
I waited for the customary look of indignation.
Instead, Lady Celisse almost looked amused.
“Miss Juliette, with all due respect, Shortbread and I share an unbreakable bond. I would never do anything that could endanger him.”
“In that case, there’s no reason to disturb him from his well-deserved rest. A celestial lion is not a pet you can make happy with platitudes. They are regal creatures and must be treated as such. That means no nudging, poking and absolutely no violently shaking the duvet while pulling open the curtains.”
Lady Celisse tilted her head in thought.
“... I see. So you are willing to forfeit this reward to simply let him be?”
“Indeed. A celestial lion is a force for good against evil. In fact, if there are no hoodlums here, then I attribute that to him. I cannot in good conscience remove him when he is doing an excellent job.”
The elven woman stared.
For a moment, she betrayed no expression as she pondered my words.
And then–
She gave a tiny upwards tick with her quill against her clipboard.
“Hmm. How interesting. That’s an unorthodox way of resolving this. Instead of appealing to Shortbread, you would appeal to me instead.”
“Indeed. If Shortbread wishes to lounge, let him lounge.”
Lady Celisse hummed.
“... Very well. It wasn’t quite what I was expecting. I suspected you would hurl yourself at him or cut away the branch to force him down. To poor results, I should add.”
“That’s barbarous. I’d never cut a branch simply to force a sleeping creature down. Not even if it was cracked, withered and thoroughly uncomfortable. Which is why I’ll offer a different one instead.”
“Excuse me?”
I offered a nod.
Not to her, but to the celestial lion, whose napping had ceased.
He gazed at me with a half-lidded eye.
Wisdom lay within it as he silently judged me, seeking for any signs of wickedness.
All he found was a princess’s smile, bereft of any want or evil. All I wished was to offer it my kindness and a worthier tree for it to rest.
After all … its holy presence alone would automatically do away with the worst that a nearby village far too close to the Royal Villa could offer!
Ohohohohohohoho!
“Mr. Shortbread, I see you are both hard working and mindful, keeping to your duties even as you hope to enjoy a nap. Know, therefore, that I shall not seek to remove you as callously requested. On the contrary, I would like to offer you an even better tree.”
The half-lidded eye opened slightly. A hint of curiosity swirled within that deep well.
“–Hmmmmmmm? Excuse me? Did you just propose a better tree?”
“I shall be frank. It’s appalling that you’ve chosen to lounge in a common tree on a common street. This isn’t a fitting background for one of your nature. And while I’ve no doubt such things matter little to you as a being of modesty, there are also not enough hoodlums to demand your services. It’s a waste of your talents. There are barely two bars on this street.”
“–Um, Miss Juliette? The request is over. You really don’t need to ask him to come down.”
“Fortunately, there just happens to be a marvellous ancient oak tree far more regal than this one, for it guards not a street, but the walls outside a certain princess’s tower which is constantly under threat.”
I paused.
“The oak tree is also filled with oranges.”
Suddenly, the celestial lion raised its chin.
Both its eyes were open as it sought to discern the lie in my words.
“That’s right!” I said with a nod. “It is one of a kind. Somewhere over the horizon is a magical oak tree, its branches pruned over the years to be smooth enough for a princess’s hands to climb down. That means it’s also perfect for napping for extended periods. And it’s currently vacant.”
“–Miss Juliette? Do I … Do I also need to climb up?”
“Naturally, you’re free to decline. I’m simply making it available. And if you visit and get bored, then there’s also an orchard filled with apple trees. I’ve no doubt that with your carefulness, not even a single fruit would be disturbed. But if you’re peckish, please feel free to eat.”
The celestial lion blinked at me.
For a moment, I could feel its gaze searching through my memories. And what it saw was the prospect of something only a princess could offer.
The finest nap.
Plus free snacks.
The celestial lion promptly rose from its lounging position.
Without even a stretch, it leapt into the air with feline grace, shrinking into a tiny cub as it struck the ground, before neatly bounding away and vanishing into the shadows.
I raised a hand to my lips, barely covering my smile.
“Ohohohohohohoho!”
Here it was!
[Princess Taming]!
Why, by merely extending an invitation, I could convince even the most holy of creatures to my side!
In fact … it was specifically because a celestial lion was so holy that this was so effective! As creatures who feasted upon thoughts of ill-doing, there would be no lack of worthy adversaries!
By lounging in my orange oak tree, it would ensure no more trysts at the base of my tower! Gone would be the nights of the head chef fraternising with the maids when they thought nobody could hear!
My innocence could finally return!
“Pfffffft~”
With a smile of satisfaction, I waited for Coppelia to finish making strange sounds, before accepting her help as she hopped back down with me in her arms.
I was met by the sight of a wide open mouth.
There, having fallen to her knees in shock, was an elven lady with eyes the size of dinner plates, her golden hair somehow in disarray and a clipboard on the ground.
She offered no recognition as I waved my hand in front of her face, nor when I poked her.
I waited a few moments, then shook her cloak.
Out came a sewing kit, shoes, hair accessories, a travel guide and several pouches … along with an infinite number of pamphlets warning about common romance scams.
I took the pouches while Coppelia rummaged through the rest.
Then, I offered a kindly smile.
“Thank you for commissioning my services. If you require any help in the future, please don’t hesitate to let me know. As long as it’s not about cats.”