The Villainess Is An SS+ Rank Adventurer

A tree.

Of all the attractions that the Summer Solstice Festival had to offer, a tree wasn’t one of them.

That’s not to say it wasn’t worthy. On the contrary, it was very much like the tree outside my bedroom tower. Old, gnarly, and regal, it dutifully stood watch over a quiet street without any crêpe stalls or strange men with troll’s clubs to distract me.

Sadly, I’d also caught the tree napping on the job.

If it was awake, it’d likely be leaning away. Not from me, but from an elven woman whose enthusiastic candour failed to hide the fact she possessed ulterior motives.

Just like everyone who poked me did.

“Hmm … is this the one, I wonder? Ah, wait, I think it is~”

Lady Celisse smiled while looking up at the leaves gently rustling in the breeze.

Indeed, there was clearly something suspicious about her.

I didn’t need my princess senses for this. She openly carried an air of general calamity.

It wasn’t like Miss Racy Corset trying to burn all civilisation to the ground and remake it in her image, but something worse. Like a clumsy maid who couldn’t tidy the porcelain without breaking it.

… Mostly, however, it was the way she held her clipboard, hurriedly jotting something down whenever I so much as wrinkled my nose.

Indeed, she’d scribbled a lot … enough that the moment she was distracted by the sight of an oak tree without any oranges, I took the opportunity to steal a peek at her work.

My eyes were drawn to where her quill already rested.

Assessment Criteria 29.1(a): Respects the privacy of others.

Schwick.

She crossed it out.

“E-Excuse me?!” I raised my arms in outrage. “The only privacy worth respecting is my own! It’s also currently being trampled on! … Why do you need so many different assessment criteria just to make a request?! How many are there?!”

“Just enough to ensure your suitability for the task ahead. As a responsible client, I’ve no wish to endanger you or waste your time.”

“Then why not tell me as much information as possible?! Wouldn’t that be more useful?!”

“Yes, but patience is a valued trait. The Updated Zodiac Guide For Hearts And Fortune suggests a lack of this to be a common sign for future fickleness.”

“Fickleness?! Over what?! Are you concerned I’d abandon whatever vague problem you have in order to pursue a more attractive request?!”

“... Would you?”

“Naturally, I would! I must always look out for my well-being first and foremost! That includes cost efficiency and use of my time!”

Lady Celisse immediately scribbled on her clipboard.

She turned it away when I tried to peek. I pretended to be unconcerned, all the while Coppelia tip-toed behind to peer over her shoulder. The elven woman promptly hugged the clipboard to her chest.

I clicked my tongue.

Whatever slander she was writing, I’d ensure it’d never see the light of day.

… And if she was lucky, it’d be after I fixed whatever issue was worth a bottomless pouch filled with crowns that were swiftly losing its lustre.

“You said you had an ordinary problem,” I reminded her with a point of my finger. “There’s no ordinary problem which needs a checklist before asking someone to fix it. Clearly, something terrible has happened. Again.”

“Oh? Do terrible things often happen around you?”

“Terrible things are often fixed around me. And luckily for you, I’m obliged to prevent anything that threatens the profitability of the festival. So what is it this time? Has something exploded?”

Lady Celisse paused in a way that confirmed something did explode.

She glanced down at her clipboard, considered which of the endless questions to harass me with, then offered an innocent smile instead.

I immediately preferred the clipboard.

“My problem is very much ordinary. It’s just that the circumstances are slightly unusual. It requires an adventurer who can demonstrate both tactfulness and resolve.”

“Excellent. The fact I’m not browsing the crêpe stalls demonstrates that. What is the problem?”

Lady Celisse considered me for a long moment.

She finally nodded, her smile fading to something close to seriousness.

“Please rescue Shortbread.”

I raised my palms in exasperation.

“Rescue who? Shortbread? From what? An oven?”

“No, a tree.”

The elven woman pointed at the swaying branches directly overhead.

I refused to look.

“If you’re asking what I suspect you are, the answer is no. I am overqualified.”

“On the contrary, you are perfectly qualified. It’s true you didn’t quite pass every point on the checklist. Or indeed any at all–”

“Show me the checklist! I demand to see it!”

“–However, you’ve received numerous commendations from the guild speaking of your ability to rescue those in distress. And so I place my trust in you. Please rescue Shortbread.”

Lady Celisse pointed once more. This time at a specific branch.

I swallowed a deep breath, then slowly followed the line of her fingertip.

There, hiding amongst a bundle of leaves, was a tuft of white I’d generously hoped to be a gull.

Yes, despite the fact it had whiskers, fluffy ears and a little swishing tail.

I sent my most earnest look of grief at the elven woman. Of all the requests I was planning to reject, this was the one I didn’t even have words for. A groan was the best I had.

“... You only wish for me to kidnap a cat?!”

“Not kidnap. Rescue. Shortbread is stuck in the tree. I fear he’s in danger of falling.”

“The only danger is that when he gracefully lands, it’ll be in a puddle of whatever the louts leave behind! … What was the interview for?! Why do you need to ask so many questions just to disturb a cat?!”

“There is no ‘just’ when it comes to Shortbread. I wish to ensure he’s collected safely.”

“Then why not rescue him yourself?! Are elves not famously adept at climbing trees?!”

“Yes, but I suffered a mysterious accident when I was younger and am now scared of heights.”

“Well, in that case, I suggest you return to the guild! There’s no shortage of bored adventurers hoping to look useful. Shortbread can be rescued by someone else. My apologies, but I’m far too busy to–”

Clink.

All of a sudden, the clipboard was being used as a tray for a bottomless pouch. A glint of gold twinkled from the opened tip.

I pursed my lips.

“… N-No! Absolutely not! I have my dignity! Accidentally rescuing cats in extraneous circumstances is one thing, but deliberately going out of my way is quite another! I refuse to be known in the same vein as those hoodlums who claim to be protectors of the innocent while focusing solely on how to most efficiently bother cats during their naps!”

Clink.

A second bottomless pouch appeared. This time with several gold crowns spilling out.

I stared for several moments, swallowed, then shook my head.

“As … As I’ve just said, I have my dignity! The answer is–”

Clink.

Another bottomless pouch appeared, this time so thick it practically crushed the other two.

“H-How are you doing that?! Are these all filled with crowns?! Is this an illusion?!”

“It is no illusion. Shortbread is my life. I’ll pay anything to secure his safety.”

Behind Lady Celisse’s shoulders, Coppelia furiously shook her head and rolled her fingers, encouraging me to continue rejecting her.

The suggestion was unneeded.

Indeed, no matter how much this woman sought to bribe me, I had my pride.

As a princess, I would refuse every offer to fetch a cat … at least until I found the limit to what she kept under her cloak of infinite riches.

“I … I see … well, it seems your cause is admirable … and when faced with such earnestness, it is only right that someone as famed for empathy consider this … but with that said, my rates are–”

Clink.

Another bag appeared, although now distinctly smaller than the rest.

A moment of silence passed.

“Very well,” I said with an angelic smile, my hands clasping together. “In the spirit of summer and togetherness, I will offer my aid where nobody else will. I do this knowing that failure would mean putting the kingdom at risk. The moment it’s known that a cat is peacefully lounging in a tree, all the hooligans of the city will converge to terrorise this one spot.”

Lady Celisse gave a warm nod.

“Then I shall thank you for taking up my request. As enthusiastic as all adventurers are, I cannot fathom the thought of anyone inexperienced attempting to help.”

“That’s nothing to do with inexperience, only lack of sobriety.”

“I see … well, I’m grateful I’ve someone who is fond of tea. However, I must issue a warning. Shortbread is very particular with people he doesn’t know. It might be difficult to cajole him.”

I raised a hand to my lips, barely covering my smile.

“Ohohoho … how cute.”

“Excuse me?”

“Lady Celisse, please do not mistake me for the hoodlums who bribe cats with pieces of rotting sardines or make strange noises in the hopes they take pity on them. I’ve no intention of asking for compliance.”

“Miss Juliette, if Shortbread deems you unworthy, he’ll refuse to listen. It'll be deeply unwise to force him to do anything he doesn’t wish.”

“There shall be no such issues. I’ve the aura of an angel and the natural warmth of a pillow in the sun. I merely need to hold out my hands and any cat will come bounding into my arms.”

Lady Celisse hummed for a thought, her eyes looking thoughtfully upwards.

“Even in a good mood, he’s rather naughty. It might prove difficult to carry him down. ”

“Oh? Then I suppose it’s well that I won’t be carrying him alone.”

I offered a smile, already planning on how many of the crowns I’d need to bribe any witnesses.

Indeed, the very idea of rescuing a cat from a tree was appalling enough that no amount of treasure was enough to move me.

Usually, that is.

… Fortunately, I wasn’t alone!

“Coppelia, I require assistance.”

“Okies~!”

Without hesitation, Coppelia scooped me into her arms and jumped.

Gracefully hopping onto the branches with barely a disturbance, she made her way up the tree in a matter of moments, until just above us was a pair of shining blue eyes peeking through the leaves.

I knew at once why Lady Celisse would offer such an absurd reward.

It was clear this was no ordinary cat. The pure snowiness of the fur and the vividness of its eyes would have collectors everywhere ordering adventurers to kidnap it as their own.

Indeed … this was a highly unique specimen.

For as Coppelia released me and I balanced on the thick branch, I noticed several very distinct details upon closer inspection.

Notably that it wasn’t just white. It was very slightly glowing. And although it looked very much like a cat, there was also something very slightly off about its features.

The ears were rounded. The nose was more prominent. The whiskers were wilder. And as Shortbread gave a yawn, it was less like a cat stretching in the sun and more like something readying its jaws moments before pouncing.

Yes.

This was a very interesting cat.

Especially as the glowing became brighter. And also because it started growing bigger. And bigger. And bigger. Until claws protruded from its paws, a ball of hair appeared at the end of its white tail and a thick mane radiating with holy light appeared around its head and much of its torso.

A moment later, I leaned slightly back as a celestial lion looked down at me.

I nodded as it opened its jaws.

This was, indeed, a very big cat.