Riley Ross

[EMERGENCY NEWS ALERT]

Howdy, y’all! This is Kitty comin’ to you live from ABC-ZBN.

Now I know what y’all are thinkin’; ’Kitty, didn’t you just do the mornin’ report?’ And yes, I did—but wouldn’t ya know it, your favorite homegirl Lorraine had herself another emergency. Mmhm. Bless her heart, but if she don’t stop disappearin’, she’s gonna be lookin’ for a new gig faster than a prairie dog in a snake pit because I am gonna take her job.

Now let’s get down to the real dirt.

A super by the name of Richard Rock, or as his rowdy friends call him, ’Ricky’, has gone completely off the rails, y’all. What you’re seein’ right here is CCTV footage from a restaurant over on Massachusetts—an establishment that’s now bein’ called the site of one of the most gruesome and unnecessary crime scenes we’ve seen all year. But, when has it ever been necessary?

Richard, who’s in his late twenties and apparently been workin’ there for years, snapped and went crazy’ yall. He killed his boss... who, get this, was also his friend. Then turned ’round and straight-up duplicated copies of himself like a dang rabbit in heat, to take out a witness who also happens to be his friend.

But that wasn’t enough for ol’ Ricky. No ma’am. He walked right outta that kitchen and started slaughterin’ the customers like he was killin’ rats on his farm.

And it don’t stop there. Four police officers who arrived on scene? Dead. Richard here duplicated himself into a dozen and killed them all.

The police are angry, y’all.

Now, law enforcement’s also whisperin’ that Ricky here might be tied to the Hudson Apartment Killings—y’know, the ones from earlier this week? Turns out, the victim there was his wife.

Y’all, this ain’t just a man on the run. He’s bein’ labeled a straight-up supervillain by the netizens. The whole internet’s lit up like a bonfire. But don’t take my word for it—we got some exclusive footage from one of our loyal viewers. It shows Richard screamin’ at officers, right before killin’ them and makin’ his escape."

[You don’t understand! I... I’m not the villain here! That son of Bernard is he did this to me! Look at my arm! They... they had to amputate it because he crushed my hand! My wife left me because of this, and then those insurance motherfuckers refused to cover my bills for me! Do none of you understand how suffocating and unfair that is?! How I have to lose everything, and the one who did this to me is living his best life?! I am the victim here! Society is fucked! This is—]