Chapter 49 - Forty-Three
LEO
"So may I know where we are going?" I ask as I tie the sit belt.
I sent Kevin off when Erwin popped out and honestly he was not so happy about that. I can blame him for that because he was the one who was by my side all these years and has cleaned up after me. So, it is a bit saddening for him to be the third wheel between me and Erwin when I figured he still holds on to hopes for us.
Now, you can’t blame me for this either. I never told him to stay by my side, he basically took it upon himself and I have done enough to explain to him that I don’t even have an ounce of feeling left for him. And if he still doesn’t get it then there is nothing I can do anymore about it.
"Hmm," Erwin presses his lips as if pondering over what answer he should give me as he starts the engine, "somewhere."
"Questionable." I purse my lips and shake my head.
Erwin grins, "Is it?"
"It is." I chuckle.
The meeting was organized at late noon after lunch and thankfully it didn’t rain today so the sky is quite clear and dazzling. Therefore I presume Erwin is taking me on a date to cheer me up. The sky was as gloomy as me all the past week and the sun didn’t show up even for once but it didn’t rain for once too. Just like me. I wasn’t weeping but I wasn’t smiling either.
Losing a child isn’t a blow you can move on from that easily. But when you aren’t even aware of the existence of life growing inside you and then you suddenly lose it, there will be so many conflicted feelings coiling up in your chest and you don’t know how to get them out. They will gnaw on you. Eating you up from inside and out. They are like a thorn stuck in your throat that you can’t either spit out now shallow down.
This is how I have been feeling throughout the past week. They are killing me slowly but steadily. The ’what if’s’ are haunting me everywhere I go. What if the baby in my womb wasn’t miscarried? What if it was born into this world? Whom would he take over? Me or Erwin? All of these things are tying a noose around my throat, making it very painful to breathe. It feels like I am drowning but somehow there is still some breath left in my lungs that is keeping me alive so far even if it is painful.