Chapter 176
- HAZEL -
Nothing seems interesting. Each day, I’m getting closer and closer to losing my mind yet I’m trying to get my act together.
No one really talks about how overwhelming it is to have to hide a part of you you’d love to talk about so much. How miserable keeping to yourself actually is. It’s saddening, hoping someone would be your shoulder to lean on but realising you’re all alone in this, having to fight it yourself.
It’s not new that I’m being threatened and going through the worst break up in my life. These past three days, today included, has made me realise that wearing the depressed face on does not matter when you can’t utter a word, so I try to appear as sane even when I’m not. Nothing is sane around me and I can’t even deny it.
Asami has kept her distance. She has not come near me nor said a word to me via text since then. I don’t know if this is her cooling off because she knows I’ve done what she asked or if she’s waiting for Kate to come. My bestie will be here in four days. What a time to be alive.
I groan, rolling my eyes, making myself comfortable in my seat. My friends are seating all around and we form a circle. This is my own study group as exams is just a few days away, everything amounts to a week and a half but meh, still a few days away.
My life has been super chaotic so I haven’t covered every single thing in my syllabus but I’m more than half way through. When the exam table is out, I’ll know which paper I’ll be having first and base my study on the first four subjects. This delay of the release of the exam table has been beneficial, part of me thinks this will cause a stir and lead to a postponement which I’d be glad for. It’ll mean more study days for me and a chance to not fumble my grades hard. After all, my parents are anticipating and they’re not the only ones I have to make proud, Killian is also there. Having him as an ex is something I don’t want to dwell on, I never imagined it even though I should’ve giving the circumstances of his and Kate’s engagement. I just hope he hangs onto me but I’m starting to doubt that reality. I’m starting to doubt all of it and that adds to my misery.
I let out a tired sigh. I just wish these events didn’t unfold and be a distraction. I’m so tired of everything. Literally everything. Apart from living though. A wry smile forms at the ends of my lips.
I enjoy living despite the hardship. It gives me hope that things will get better.