Project Seraphina [LitRPG, Magitech, GL]

With so much swirling in my mind from these past few days, I’m only too eager to find my way back to talk to Samantha once again and confide in her and try to figure out what the hell I’m supposed to do now. In particular, Clara’s and Lindsey’s ominous warnings about a future wreathed in chaos give me pause, and I’m not really sure what I’m supposed to do with that hanging over my head. For all my enjoyment of having this kind of power and not having to worry about trivial matters or most danger to my health and my person, I still feel Uncle Ben’s ominous warning echoing in my head.

With great power comes great responsibility, and mine is greater than most in both.

“Seraphina,” she calls to me from the lobby.

Even before I’m fully back in her office, tension releases from my muscles. I inhale and exhale deeply, and a sense of calm washes over me. The interior of the office smells like entirely too much flowery air freshener, but the association that scent has with this place only helps me to relax more fully.

I take a seat, and unlike the last couple of times, when Samantha offers me water, I accept— ice, no lemon. The glass— actual glass, so far as I can tell— is heavy and thick, condensation accumulating on the outsides as I take a refreshing sip. I close my eyes for a moment and do what I can to pull [Valkyrion’s Perception] inward. I am safe, nothing can hurt me here in this place of calm and healing.

“I understand it’s been a busy past week for you, Seraphina,” Samantha says. “Normally it would be a violation of ethics to go scrounging around for personal information about my clients, but considering the news and your involvement, I hope that you can forgive the boundary crossing.”

“Pretty sure anyone who cares to do even basic research knows all about me and what happened this past weekend. I’m not bothered by it, but it is what I want to talk about.”

“About the fighting? Or about something else?” Once again, her notebook is out, taking furious notes so she can document it all later.

“Some of both. First, about my… sister, I suppose. The other Seraphina who was fighting alongside Renault. It’s strange to think about and it’s not something I want to talk super specifically about right now, but I’ve come to think of her as something of a twin sister from whom I was separated at birth and only learned about recently. Unfortunately, circumstances led to me having to… to…”

It’s hard even to say the words. It shouldn’t be. It’s not the first time I’ve taken a human’s life. It probably won’t be the last. And yet, with her, it hits a lot harder than it should.

“I see. I can only imagine that it was not easy.”

“It doesn’t feel fair,” I say. “Why do I feel bad for her when I don’t feel bad for anyone else I’ve had to fight? Killing Renault feels like a service to the world, I’ve fought with cultists. I’ve even been forced to duel my own father— the man who raised me from infancy. And yet I don’t feel for any of them the way I do about Seraphina. Is that wrong? Should I feel bad about that? I can’t help but feel guilty that I should.”

Samantha shakes her head. “It’s not a question of what you should or shouldn’t feel. The important thing is to be honest with yourself.”

“It’s just… It feels like I should do better about treating all lives with the same dignity and respect that they deserve, rather than caring about some lives more than others.”

“Maybe that’s not ideal,” Samantha says. “But I think it’s only human. I know I care more about my friends and my parents than I do about random strangers.” She continues after a moment for me to reflect. “Empathy is important for us as human beings. The ability to care about others, to imagine ourselves in their shoes, and understand what they feel, is part of what separates us from most animals. But there’s a limit to how much empathy we can have for others before we break down. The term is compassion fatigue.”

“I suppose. It just feels like I should–”

My therapist shakes her head. “Let’s not focus on judging what you should or shouldn’t feel. Just about what you feel, without reservation or admonishment.”

“I am worried. I worry that if I stop caring about people now, then I will find it easier to keep killing and to stop caring. And I very, very much don’t want that to happen.”

“I don’t think you will need to worry about that, Seraphina. While there are people who have less innate empathy than others, the fact that you are so concerned tells me that you have nothing to worry about. Someone who is in danger of slipping into that sort of mindset is exactly the sort of person who wouldn’t worry about that possibility in the first place.”

I take in her words, really let them settle in. My mind moves quickly, digesting everything from the concept to the tone in which she speaks it. Ultimately, I can’t find any fault with her logic, so I just take a deep breath.

“I understand. It’s not going to be easy for me to just accept your words, but I will try to keep them in mind.”

“It never is easy.” Samantha chuckles, then takes a sip of water. “It’s one of the things a lot of people have wrong about their ideas of therapy. That you just sit down and talk and you’re just mentally healed. But it’s hard. It takes time and energy and sometimes it’s uncomfortable. Ultimately, only you can heal yourself, and it’s my job to use my training and experience to facilitate a place where you can do so in an effective and safe manner.”

“Thank you, Samantha,” I say. “I do feel a little better, but there’s one other thing that’s troubling me these past couple of days.” When she beckons me to do so, I continue. “It’s about what some of the people I was fighting and working with said in the aftermath of that battle. They were talking about an age of chaos that was on the horizon. That, as powerful people cemented their control, ambitious people seeking wealth and even greater power would launch attacks and embroil the entire world into war.”

“Do you know that to be true?” Samantha says. “Can you say with absolute certainty that that will happen?”

“No, but the more I think about it, the more I feel that it could happen, and the more that I cycle through all the ways that it could happen, the more I start getting antsy that it will.”

“But you don’t know for certain that it will.” She smiles. “A lot of things could happen. Even before the System arrived, there were people who were so terrified just of getting in a car that they’d lock themselves away at home, or wouldn’t talk to anyone for fear of social rejection. Nearly always, these people are paralyzed by a fear of the worst case scenario.”

“Should I not be concerned? I think it is a very real and very scary possibility.”

“As are many of the fears we face in our day-to-day lives. But I think it would be best to contextualize that fear, work to manage that risk, and try to live without letting the fear consume us.”

“I still want to prepare for that eventuality.”

“Of course. It’s always worth taking reasonable precautions.” I start thinking about what sort of precautions that would involve. But when I think through everything, I reach a conclusion that I can’t help but feel a little silly.

“I guess that means… well, continuing to do what I’ve been doing.” Combat training, glyph research, learning more about the System, practicing my Skills and developing them further. Hank will be invaluable with his knowledge and twenty years of previous experience working with all this, and I’m sure the next few months and years will see more breakthroughs. And then, there’s sitting down and developing new Ethertech, which I’ve sorely neglected as of late and very much look forward to returning to.

Samantha smiles. “It sounds like things are mostly under control, then.”

“I– I think so?” Much as the paranoid part of my mind tries to refute her, I can’t come up with a logical argument that holds up to scrutiny.

“Forgive me, but you seem a bit lost in thought. Is there something else troubling you? We still have about twenty minutes before our appointment ends.”

“How do we deal with the dread of knowing that death is always looming over us?” I ask, not sure how to broach the subject in any way other than just blurting it out.

“By living,” Samantha says. “Each day, one day at a time. Staying present-focused, focusing on what you can control, living for the things that matter most to you, and by the side of the people most important. The outside world will be there, and it’ll do whatever it’s going to do, but rather than spending all that time dreading what might be lurking in the shadows, I feel it might be better to enjoy the light.”

Such a simple answer. With what I know about Hank, I might object to her statements about ‘the shadows’ and the fact that they always contain dread… But I think that might just reinforce Samantha’s statement, when I think about it from a different perspective. Whatever happens will happen, and without the looming cloud of imminent danger frowning down from above, I might as well enjoy the calm before the storm.

“Yeah, I think I like that idea, Samantha. Thank you.” And I know just what to do.

“I’m glad to hear it, Seraphina. We have just a couple more minutes if you have any final things to talk about. Otherwise, the receptionists will go ahead and get you scheduled. Do you want to stick with weekly, or move back to every two weeks?”

“How about I come back next week again. At least for a few more weeks.”

“Sounds good. I’ll get you scheduled.”

---

As I step back outside and allow myself to drift into the clouds, I’m greeted by the cool air of fall’s first week rolling in. The sky is partly cloudy, though they remain white and puffy. A storm they may herald, but for now, the afternoon remains pleasant and the forecast bright. Reaching out through [Angelic Bond], I speak to Chloe.

“Hey, love. Are you going to be late tonight?”

“I shouldn’t be, unless something comes up in the next hour or so. Why? Is something wrong?”

“Nope. I just finished up my therapy session and I’m done with classes for the week. We talked about being present focused, and how it’d be a good idea to spend some time enjoying the good things in life, rather than dreading what the future might be. And, in the interests of being spontaneous and enjoying the best thing in my life, I, Seraphina Mortensen, would like to ask you, Chloe Jacobs, on a dinner date tonight.”

“Ooh.” I can hear the grin on her face. “Fancy. Do tell me more.”

“Well, I was thinking we’d visit a nice steakhouse and have a romantic dinner, just the two of us. We’d spend our meal eating and staring into each other’s eyes, not needing to say a word. We’d eat more than is entirely healthy, food with far too much butter and way too many grams of saturated fat and cholesterol. Then, we’d take advantage of the cool air, the nice breeze, and the full moon that’s going to be out tonight, and we’d go stroll along the riverfront, hand in hand. Nice and slow, meandering. Tomorrow will come but neither of us will be thinking about that. Because when we do get home, late at night, we’re going to make full use of the facts that neither of us needs much sleep and that we have sound suppression inscriptions on the walls and durability-enhancing glyphs on our bed.”

Chloe giggles. “Well, Seraphina Mortensen. I do believe we have a date.”

“Wonderful, love. I shall see you then.”

— End Volume 4